A Million Suns

46 AMY

WITHOUT ELDER, THERE’S LITTLE POINT IN ME EXPLORING the stairs further. Instead, I go to the garden behind the Hospital. Bartie and his crowd have left, including Luthor. The smashed grass around the bench is the only remnant of the impromptu meeting. I peel the moccasins off my feet and pad through the cool grass to the water’s edge. I think about com-ing Elder, but I’m afraid of bothering him when he’s doing something important. I sit on the bank, my knees drawn up under my chin, and stare at the pond’s perfectly still surface. I try to see through its depths — the water’s clear, and not very deep, but my eyes bore past the dangling roots of lotus flowers to the green-brown murkiness that shadows my view.

I lean back, and grass tickles my neck. My feet slip down the bank until my toes touch the cool water. I slide my feet into the pond and close my eyes. The solar lamp above me beats down warmth and light, but behind my eyelids, it looks like the same bright reddish blur that the Sun looked like on Earth when I’d lie down outside.

A shadow crosses over me, and the brightness dims — like the sun covered by clouds. I open my eyes, and Elder’s face is rimmed with light as he leans down over me.

“Hey,” I say, suddenly breathless. All my thoughts of dragging him off to the stairs and exploring the ship disappear as he collapses beside me, exhaustion etched on his face.

“What’s wrong?”

Elder makes a noncommittal noise.

I want to reach out to him, let him know that I’m sorry for his loss, but I know no words will ever be enough.

Elder leans back in the grass, staring at the metal ceiling of the Feeder Level. If we were outside on Earth, this would be nice. Lying in cool grass next to a pond, staring up at clouds the way little kids do. But this isn’t Earth and the clouds are paint and even if there is a planet past this ship, it still seems a very long way away.

“Marae was murdered. Like Stevy. The same phrase on the med patches.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, the two most inadequate words in the English language.

“I want to know who’s doing this.”

“Maybe the same person who tried to hide Orion’s last clue,” I say. Before Elder has a chance to speak, I add, “And maybe the same person who sabotaged your space suit.”

“Sabotaged the suit?” Elder asks.

I twist my head to stare at Elder through the bright green grass. “Whoever tampered with the clues and tried to throw us off the trail could have easily punctured the PLSS tubing or something. If you died, you couldn’t tell anyone what you saw. And look how close it came to working.”

Elder starts to respond, but as soon as he opens his mouth, he turns to answer a com. “Doc says Bartie’s causing trouble at the Food Distro. Again,” he says, sighing, leaning up.

I touch my hand to his face, just over the purple-green bruise on his jaw. He leans into my hand — not a lot, just enough so that I’m suddenly aware of the pressure of his skin against mine.

“Elder,” I say, “you can’t keep on doing everything yourself.”

“Who else is going to stop Bartie? Who else is going to get the Food Distro back on track? Who else is going to help the Shippers get ready for planet-landing — after the scans show whether or not we even can planet-land?”

There’s a note of panic in his voice, and pain. I want to tell him everything will be okay, but I don’t want to lie. I lean forward a fraction of an inch, and he leans forward, and I catch his eyes just as he starts to close in.

I think, He’s going to kiss me.

I think, Good.

His lips bruise mine in their need, and when my mouth parts in a tiny o of surprise, his kiss deepens. His arms are strong; he’s lifting the whole of my upper body up and against him. His body speaks for him; he needs me.

My arms slide from the ground up his arms, my fingers trailing through the tiny hairs along his forearms. His muscles tighten under my graze; his biceps are like rocks, pulling me even closer against him. My hands dance across his shoulders and meet at the base of his neck, and I swirl my fingers in his hair.

There’s something deeply satisfying in touching him — it reminds me that he’s real, despite how close I came to losing him earlier today.

My hands tighten, and I use my grip to lift my body up against his. One of his arms slides down my back, pulling my hips closer to him.

Elder breaks the kiss, and he peers into my eyes. I can only imagine what we look like — rolling around in the grass by the pond. Just like the Season. But I don’t care. This isn’t like that. The Season was just mindless, emotionless, loveless movements. But this is—

Elder reaches up and brushes a stray strand of hair from my face. I close my eyes and relish the touch. His fingers clench against my scalp — I feel the pressure of his hand, pulling me into another kiss.

And I go to him.

Sweeter, this time. Slower. Softer. I feel his lips this time, not the hunger.

I become aware of his body next to mine. I let my hand rest just above his heart, pounding away in his chest, so violent I can feel it mirroring my own heartbeat.

Then my hand slips lower, down his side. The bottom of his tunic has pulled up, and my fingers slide over the bare skin just above his hip.

Elder moans, a low guttural sound from deep inside him. His hands slide down my mussed hair to my shoulders, and he gently pushes me away. Our feet still touch under the pond’s surface, though.

“Augh!” he says suddenly, smashing his hand into the side of his neck. “I don’t have time for this!”

I scoot away from him, stung, then notice the way his head tilts. Someone is trying to com him.

“I’m sorry,” Elder says immediately, leaning back up and staring into my eyes. “Stars, Amy, I’m sorry,” he adds. “It’s just — with Marae’s death, and the planet, and—frex!”

My eyes widen, but Elder just punches the wi-com in the side of his neck. “What?” he barks into it.

I sit up slowly, no longer comfortable lying in the grass. As Elder listens to his com, I stare at the still surface of the pond.

I have no idea what I want. I told Victria that love is a choice, and I told myself that I didn’t have to choose Elder, but I can’t forget the way my heart stopped when his did.