A Bad Day for Voodoo

FAQ

Q: Is this book any good?

A: Yeah, I think so. I mean, it’s not The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo good, but there are worse ways you could spend your time. It’s at least better than that one book you read that one time that totally sucked and you were all like “How did this ever get published?” and you shoved it into the garbage disposal and let out a primal roar as you listened to the metal blades grind it up.

Q: Is this book totally realistic?

A: Yes. No matter how silly things get, no matter how weird the characters act, and no matter how far somebody is able to walk with a severely injured foot and not bleed to death, rest assured that every single word in this book is exactly how things would happen in real life. When you find yourself saying, “C’mon, that’s so unrealistic!” just remember that you’re wrong.

Q: How many people were injured during the writing of this book?

A: We writers are dangerous. Everybody knows that. I’d say that maybe ten or eleven people got slapped around, and one of my assistants injured his back carrying my bags of money. The poor guy had to hold it for almost forty-five minutes while I tried to decide which room should be the “Wow, Look at All of My Money” room. I should have figured that out beforehand. My bad.

Q: Is any material in this book inappropriate for teenagers or those who wish to become teenagers someday?

A: Oh yeah. All of it. Teenagers, don’t let any responsible adults catch you reading this, because they will absolutely freak. They’ll flap their arms around and shout, “This is going to destroy society! Kids copy everything bad they read in books! All is lost, all is lost!”

(Note to librarians: I’m only kidding. It’s not that bad. I mean, it’s gorier than Winnie the Pooh, and the word “crap” is used fifteen times, but none of the major curse words are represented, and nobody gets nekkid.)

(Note to teenagers: Or DO they...?)

Q: Is this book going to be a series?

A: I don’t know. It depends on whether or not everybody dies at the end.

Q: Will this book scare me so badly that I'll wake up screaming from nightmares and need to sleep with the lights on for the next several weeks?

A: Nah.

Q: Does this novel send a positive message to readers?

A: Not really, but this FAQ does. Eat healthy foods. Get plenty of exercise. Study hard. Don’t talk or text during movies. Sing, even if it’s really bad singing. Give somebody you love a hug for no reason, so that they say, “What was that for? What have you done? Do I need to be worried? Tell me!” Don’t waste nitroglycerine. Do. Not. Talk. During. Movies. (Your grandparents never learned that lesson, but it’s not too late for you!)

Q: Anything else?

A: Enjoy the book!

Q: Anything else after that?

A: No, actually I thought the last one was a pretty good stopping point. It ended things on an upbeat note and got you all psyched up to enjoy the novel. Now I’m sort of rambling. Don’t worry, I’m not blaming you; I just wish we’d gone right from “Enjoy the book!” into the actual book instead of continuing this FAQ, because I think people are going to start to skim.

Q: Did you?

A: Did I what? I’m not sure what you’re asking.

Q: Sorry. I forgot my question. Do you own any pets?

A: I feel like we’re drifting off topic here. Let’s try to get back to—

Q: Answer the question!

A: Two cats.

Q: How much cottage cheese do you think you could eat in one sitting? Let's say that somebody offered you $1,000 to eat twelve tubs of cottage cheese. Not bathtubs—those plastic tubs that cottage cheese comes in. Could you do it?

A: Enjoy the book!