A Bad Day for Voodoo

CHAPTER 14

“No,” Kelley replied.

“Okay,” I said.

I noticed that Kelley was holding the doll. The doll! She had it! Right there! In her hand! Holding it! Yes!

“You’ve got the doll,” I told her.

“I know.”

“You’re the best girlfriend ever.”

“I know.”

“Will you marry me?” I asked.

“Not right now.”

There was a cab parked at the end of the block. The same cab as before? As we got closer, I could see the driver, and, yes! It was! The same cab! Right there! Waiting for us! Saved! Saved! Saved!

Adam was seated in the front. He kind of looked permanently traumatized, but I couldn’t see well enough to be sure.

Kelley and I got into the backseat. I hoped the cabdriver didn’t try to add a surcharge for bloodstains.

The driver turned around. He looked exhausted. “Got any Red Bull?” he asked.

“Not on me.”

“Bummer.” He looked sad.

The cab pulled away from the curb. My vision was finally clear, and my brain was less foggy, and it seemed like the right time to ask millions of questions.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I got the doll back,” Kelley said.

“Thank you. How’d you do it?”

“I asked nicely.”

“No, really, how’d you do it?”

“I screamed and climbed over the fence. Then I told him that since his junkyard was connected by a secret passageway to a chop shop, he probably didn’t want me to have to call the police.” “Good thinking.”

“It didn’t work. But I told him that there were a bunch of shot-up, dead criminals in the chop shop and somebody might think he was involved. That worked.”

“Then you carried me over the fence?”

“Do you think I carried you over the fence?”

“I guess not.”

“He opened the gate and let us out.”

“That was nice of him.”

“He wasn’t that nice about it.”

I leaned forward. “Hey, Adam, how are you holding up?” “I’m not. Please don’t ask anymore.”

“So where are we headed?”

“While you were off getting mutilated, I was able to make some calls,” Kelley said.

“With my phone,” said the cabdriver, apparently wanting to make sure he got credit for his role in solving our problems, if I were to ever write a book about them.

“The lady at Esmeralda’s House of Jewelry said that she’d be happy to take a look at the doll and that she’d stay open late for us.” “Sweet!”

“I called your mom and assured her again that you weren’t dead.” “Thank you.”

“She sounded mad.”

“I’m sure she is.”

“And that’s without me telling her about the car. You get to do that.”

“Joy.”

I wondered how much trouble I’d be in, if any. If this situation were an algebra equation, variable A would be the dismantling of my mom’s car. Variable B = Disobeying her by not coming home when told to do so. Variable C = Letting too much time pass between reassurances that I wasn’t dead. However, variable D = Gory foot injury, which would gain me sympathy points. Variable E = Relief that I wasn’t dead. Variable F = Carjacking victim. I wasn’t driving where I was supposed to, but the actual theft of the car wasn’t my fault. Variable G = Car was not actually damaged, just taken apart. Maybe there was some blood on the paint, but when she got the car back, it would still be in perfectly decent shape.

Actually, the car might have taken a bullet hit or two. Variable G probably had to be removed from the equation if I wanted to be mathematically accurate.

In terms of getting in trouble, SUM (A + B + C) < SUM (D + E + F), so I’d be fine.

If you really stopped to analyze things and ignored elements like Ribeye still being alive and possibly vengeful, and lots of questions I’d have to answer from the police, and no guarantee that the doll could be stripped of its power, and possible infection that could cause me to lose my entire leg, and terrifying nightmares for the rest of my natural life, and unresolved guilt about the death of Mr. Click, and the possibility that our replacement history teacher could be even meaner.. .things were delightful.

I noticed that the cab’s fare meter was getting close to triple digits. None of us had credit cards, and I didn’t think we had a hundred dollars between us. That didn’t even count a tip. I was pretty sure this guy would want a tip.

“Well,” I said, trying to think of something to say that would lighten the mood, “we’ve sure had an.. .ummm.. .wacky night.” Kelley glared at me. “Wacky?”

“Parts of it were wacky.” I forced a smile.

“Don’t try to lighten the mood.”

“Sorry.”

“Sometimes it’s okay for the mood to be grim.”

“Gotcha.”

A tear trickled down Kelley’s cheek. She wiped it away.

“Do you want to know what happened to my foot?” I asked. “You told me.”

“When?”

“After we walked through the gate.”

“Oh. What did I say?”

“You said the carjackers used the pin on the doll.”

“Yep. My toes flew right off.” I swooped my hand in the air to demonstrate how they’d flown off. I wasn’t doing so well with the advice about it being okay to be grim. I guess I’ve just never been particularly mopey.

“Are you sure they didn’t do it with.. .I don’t know, pliers or something?” It was kind of cute how Kelley was clinging to that last shred of nonbelief in the supernatural.

“No. It was the doll. Do you think you could love somebody with only eight toes?”

She gave me a really funny look, and that’s when I realized that we had never said “I love you.”

Was now the time? Weren’t people supposed to express their true love at stressful moments when one of them was injured? What if the doll got poked again and my head flew off without me ever getting to tell Kelley how I truly felt?

Maybe this wasn’t a good moment. Maybe this was the worst possible moment. Maybe only a rock-stupid, nose-picking, drooling, “Duuuuhhhh!”-taying imbecile could think this was an appropriate moment for matters of romance.

I wished my life came with a musical soundtrack to help me figure out how to behave. Maybe the hit single “Love Theme from A Bad Day for Voodoo” was playing right now. What if with a single kiss the entire world and its problems could disappear, if only for a moment?

Well, okay, the entire world had sort of vanished during my dizzy spells, and it wasn’t such a great feeling. But this would be different.

It’s a bad day (bad day) for voodoo.

Girl, you know I’m right.

A bad day (bad day) for voodoo.

Even though I guess it’s night.

I’ve gotta go for a kiss.

Somethin’ I just can’t miss.

’Cause we could be in bliss.

So girl please don’t diss.

And I hope you don’t hiss.

A bad day (bad day) for voodoo.

A bad daaaaaaayyyyyyyy for

voo-hoo-hoo-hoo-doooo-ee-oo.

I started to lean in for a kiss.

Horror movie music began to play on my soundtrack.

I realized that this was not going to be one of those cinema moments where the hero and heroine suddenly start passionately kissing. I quickly reversed gears before Kelley noticed my bad timing.

“I’m sorry about your foot,” said Adam. “I never meant for anything like that to happen.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. Friends don’t do things like that.”

“Really, don’t worry about it.”

“I’m going to make it up to you,” Adam promised. “I don’t care how long it takes. Maybe...I don’t know, maybe there’s a lab that’s developed a brand-new line of artificial toes, toes that they’re still experimenting with, ones with retractable toenails or something like that, maybe really strong toes where you could hang upside down with just one of them—don’t monkeys have those long toes where they can dangle? I’ll figure out a way to get you on the list. And if you don’t want that, if you want plastic toes that don’t do anything special, I’ll make that happen too. Whatever you want. And you will never do homework again. English homework, math homework, chemistry, economics, home ec, PE.. .I’m doing it all for you. Maybe not PE. I can’t do PE for you. But any work you take home, just pass it on to me.” “You don’t have to do my homework.”

“I do. And I’ll do it right, not the way I do my own homework. And you can have all of my video games. Maybe the ones you already have you can let me keep so I have something to play, but everything else is yours. Tonight. As soon as we get the doll fixed, I’m going to put them all in a box and bring them over. I swear.”

“I don’t think we’re going to have a lot of free time tonight, even after we fix the doll,” I said.

“Well, whenever. Whenever we have some free time. I’m not going to renege on this. Kelley is a witness. And Kelley, you can go into my room and pick three things you want. Any three. I didn’t drag you into this, Tyler did, but I’m so sorry for dragging Tyler into this and making him drag you into it.”

“I don’t want any of your things, but thanks,” said Kelley. “You’ve never been in my room. I’ve got lots of stuff. Tell her, Tyler.”

“You don’t need to give all of your things away,” I said. “It’s fine, really.”

Adam shook his head. “I’m not going to do dumb things anymore. Never again. Those days where I was constantly doing dumb things—they were fine for a while; they’ve worked for me so far. But they have to end. I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep being the friend who messes everything up. I want to be the friend you introduce to other people. I want people to say, ‘This is Adam, and he is my friend,’ instead of, ‘This is Adam, he’s a little better when you get to know him, but not much.’ I want you to be proud of me. You too, Kelley, even though I know that’ll never happen. You guys are going to see a brand-new Adam Westell. I may not even keep the name Adam. Maybe I’ll be Blake. Or Ziggy. Or I’ll make up a name that nobody has ever had. Something without vowels. Zgmf. Or something that isn’t pronounced the way it’s spelled. Didn’t some guy do that one time? I don’t remember. But I promise you, both of you, that I’m not going to be the one who ruins everything anymore. I’m going to be the one who solves problems, not causes them. I’m going to be the one you can count on, the one you call when you need help, not the reason you call somebody else. As soon as I saw all of that blood on you, I knew—”

“What blood?” asked the cabdriver.

“Uh,” said Adam.

The driver applied the brakes and turned around to stare at me. “If you’re bleeding inside my vehicle, I’m gonna cut you.” “Wouldn’t that make the problem worse?”

Hadn’t Kelley, Adam, and I been discussing my injuries right here in the cab where he could hear us? Maybe the driver was a polite individual who made it a point not to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations, and so he’d been thinking of a favorite song or something while we discussed my missing toes. Or maybe he was moderately stupid. Either way, he looked pretty darn mad.

“I’m gonna kick you out and then cut you. Where are you bleeding?”

“Nowhere.”

“Don’t lie to me.” He pulled off to the side of the road and shut off the engine. “I just had my cab cleaned after this lady gave birth in it a couple days ago, and I’m not going through that again. You kids can just pay me and get out.” He tapped the meter. “That’s one-oh-three.”

As has been previously mentioned, we didn’t have much money. If you choose to take life lessons from this book, and I hope you don’t, one of them would be that at some point, the cabdriver is going to want to be paid, and if you knew you didn’t have enough cash, you should have figured something out along the way instead of simply hoping that the problem would disappear.

Kelley, Adam, and I all did that thing where you look at each other with “So, do you have any money?” expressions even though you already know the answer. Like when your dad looks in the pantry and says, “Who ate all of the Ho Hos?” and you and your friends all look at each other, even though all of you were there for the Ho Ho-eating party.

“We’re not sleazeballs,” I assured him. “I promise you’ll get your money.”

“Good. Then hand it over.”

“We don’t have it right.. .y’know.. .wow.”

The driver narrowed his eyes. “Define ‘now.’”

“On us.”

“You let me drive you all this way and you didn’t have money for the fare?”

“We never thought we’d need you this long. We actually didn’t think we’d need a cab at all. But my car got stolen, and we needed somebody to do a high-speed chase, and.well, you remember, you were there. We were never going to jump out and run. My parents will pay you. I guarantee it.”

“And are your parents in the cab with you right now?”

“Uh, no.”

“Then we have a problem, don’t we?”

“No, no, no, there’s no problem. You’ll get your money. If you have to drop us all the way back off at my house, that’s fine. I’ll make sure you get paid.”

The driver sighed. “You seem like good kids. Well, no, you seem like rotten kids, but you don’t seem like thieves.” He reached into his pocket and handed me a business card. “This is how you get in touch with me. I expect you to do so. Understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

We all sat there for a moment.

“Are you making us get out?” I asked.

“Yes, I am.”

“Is there any chance you could take us to the jewelry shop? I mean, we’ve promised to pay you, so what’s another ten bucks on the fare, right?”

The driver opened his door and got out of the cab. Kelley and

Adam hurriedly got out as well. The driver opened my door, saw my foot, and then gave me one of the ugliest scowls I’d ever seen.

“There’s.there’s.I didn’t know you were bleeding that much! I thought you scraped up your elbow or something! Look at that!”

“It’s not leaking that bad,” I insisted. “See? There’s barely any on the floor.”

“That’s worse than the umbilical cord stain! Get out! Now!” The driver grabbed me by the shirt collar and pulled me out of the car. He raised his fist.

“I’m not a violent person except in the monster truck audience,” he said, “but this is a bunch of garbage. You think you can just bleed all over my cab and not suffer the consequences?” “I didn’t bleed all over it!” I said. “It was only a little bit! There was no spurting!”

“It’s spurting right now!”

I looked down at my foot. “That’s not spurting. That’s dripping.” “It’s dripping a lot.”

“That’s because you pulled me out of the car. It wasn’t dripping that much inside. I’ll clean it up. I promise. Get me some hot water and a sponge, and I’ll clean it up right now.”

He slammed me against the car. Kelley let out a quick scream. “It would be different if you wanted me to take you to the hospital,” said the driver. “That I could get behind. But you, you’re being inconsiderate with your blood while you’re making me take you to a jewelry store! I should call the cops.”

“I’m okay with that right now,” I said.

The cabdriver glanced at something behind me. I glanced over there too. Somebody was on the other side of the street a few blocks away, running toward us. He was wearing a white dress. Or a hospital gown.

“You’re not even worth it,” the driver said. “I want my fare before the end of the night.”

“You’ll get it.”

“Give me some collateral. Give me your driver’s license so I know how to get in touch with you.”

I nodded, quickly took out my wallet, and handed him my license. It had the worst picture ever taken of any human being in the entire history of mankind, but for once, I didn’t care about the shame of showing it to somebody.

The driver shoved the license into his pocket. “I need more,” he said. “Give me that doll that you’re so obsessed with so I know you’ll pay me.”

I shook my head. “I can’t do that.”

He slammed me against the side of the cab again.

Adam let out a battle cry and ran at the driver. I’ve gotta be honest with you, Adam is not somebody who intimidates me, but it was one hell of a battle cry, and I was glad he wasn’t running at me.

The driver.. .he didn’t actually punch him. He sort of did this move where he grabbed Adam’s arm and swung him around, almost like a square dance. Adam kept running for another ten feet or so and then tumbled to the ground. The intimidation inspired by his battle cry disappeared.

Kelley ran at him.

The driver yanked the doll out of my hand. “Stop!” he shouted at her.

Kelley stopped.

“I am not going to hit a girl, but I will poke this doll’s eye out! I don’t know exactly what’s going on here, but I do know that you don’t want this doll’s eye to get poked out!”

The man was still running toward us. It was definitely a hospital gown. He was about two blocks away.

The driver shoved me to the ground and got back in his cab. He started the engine while Kelley helped me back up.

“Tyler?” said Adam.

I threw open the back door to the cab, but it sped off. I chased after it for a couple of steps, landed on my foot wrong, and fell back onto the pavement.

“Tyler!” Adam’s voice was filled with terror.

“What?”

“Look!” he shouted, pointing at the man running toward us.

I looked over there. It was Mr. Click.