Titan

Timoshenko’s message

I know you can’t send an answer back, they won’t let you do that. It’s okay. Well, no, it’s not really okay but I understand. I’m an exile, a nonperson, and it would be dangerous for you to reply to me or even admit you’ve received a message from me. Still, I wish there was some way for you to let me know you at least get my messages. I don’t care even if you don’t listen to them; it’s just so damned lonely out here not knowing if you even received them.

Big doings among the high-and-mighty scientists. The big lump of a probe they sent down to Titan’s surface isn’t talking to them. Just sitting there on the ice like the big pile of junk that it is. Makes me laugh. I worked for more than a year on that machine, on my own time, even. Put a lot of sweat into it. And for what? Like everything else in my life, it’s all been for nothing.

Urbain is tearing his hair out, what’s left of it. The other scientists are running around like chickens trying to figure out what went wrong. Me? I sit all alone here in the navigation center with nothing to do. That’s where I am now, talking to you. Oh, I check the instruments, but we’re in orbit around Saturn now. We’re just going around in circles. No more navigation. No more propulsion. The only problem we could possibly have is if some chunk of ice hit the outer shell and broke one of the superconducting wires of the radiation shield. Then we’d have to go outside and fix it. It would be a relief from the boredom.

I miss you. I know we fought when I had to leave and it was all my fault. I can see that now. I’ve made a mess of everything. The only thing I hope for is that I haven’t made a mess of your life too, Katrina. You deserve a good life with a man who loves you and can give you good, healthy kids.

Me, I’m here in this fancy Siberia forever. It’s not bad, really I’m a free man, as free as you can be in this glorified tin can. I even ran for political office. Can you imagine? Me! I lost, of course, but it was a different experience, let me tell you.

I miss you. I know it’s too late, but I want you to know that I love you, dear Katrina. I’m sorry I ruined our lives.