The Year's Best Science Fiction 10

The first robots were pretty shoddy

Back in the Seventies.

They were uncoordinated and clumsy

And they thought too slowly

And they didn’t understand more than a few simple words

And they would wash a dish to a powder

If you didn’t stop them in time.

So in August of 1978

Arthur Chumley called in the Product Development Group

Of Chumley Robot

And in they came

With the latest model.

It clanked over to Arthur Chumley

And said

“Hello (klik) Mister (klik) Chumley (klik).”

And put out its hand.

But before Arthur Chumley could shake the hand

It had knocked over a gilded bust of him

Badly denting the halo.

“This is not good,”

Said Arthur Chumley.

“We must think, we must draw, we must work

“To build the More Perfect Robot.

“Build me a robot

“That does everything our present model does

“But has none of its clumsy, uncoordinated movements.

“And while you’re at it

“Knock its weight down to two hundred kilos.”

And he chased them all out of his office

And he looked at the sales graph

And he poured himself a bourbon-and-water.

Easy on the water.

A year and two months later

In October of 1979

The Product Development Group marched in proudly

With their robot.

It walked smoothly and gracefully over to Arthur Chumley

And said

“Hello (klik) Mister (klik) Chumley (klik),”

And held out its hand

Which Arthur Chumley shook.

“Make me a Chumley Martini,”

Said Arthur Chumley.

But the robot did not make him a Chumley Martini.

Instead, it said

“(Whir) (buzz) (klik) (whir) (klik) (buzz) (paf!)”

And blew a $4.79 pentode tube

Signifying Arthur Chumley had said something beyond its grasp.

Whereupon Arthur Chumley leaned back

And folded his pudgy hands over the convenient ledge

Made by his stomach

And said

“This is not good.

“We must think, we must draw, we must work

“To build the More Perfect Robot.

“Build me a robot

“That does everything our present model does

“And has a complete working vocabulary

“To fit its particular function.

“And while you’re at it

“Get rid of that damn (klik) it makes switching tapes.”

And he chased them all out of his office

And he looked at the sales graph

And he made himself a Chumley Martini:

Three ounces of gin in a cocktail glass

And smiled at the portrait of Martini & Rossi.

Six years and six months later

In April of 1986

The Product Development Group trooped in

With their robot.

It walked over to Arthur Chumley

And said

“Good morning, Mister Chumley.”

And Arthur Chumley turned to the Product Development Group

And said

“Do you know what’s going to happen if we market this thing?”

And the Group members all quivered

And shook their heads

And the robot said it did not.

“I’ll tell you what’s going to happen if we market this thing,”

Said Arthur Chumley.

“The entire American public is going to laugh at us

“If we market this thing.

“And do you know why?”

And the Group members all quivered

And shook their heads

And the robot said it did not.

“I’ll tell you why.

“Because they have a right to laugh at a company

“That markets a robot

“That says ‘Good morning’ at four-thirty in the afternoon.”

Said Arthur Chumley.

And he sat down at his desk

And put his head in his hands

And said

“This is not good.

“We must think, we must draw, we must work

“To build the More Perfect Robot.

“Build me a robot

“That does everything our present model does

“And can see

“And smell

“And hear

“And taste

“And feel.

“And while you’re at it

“Cover it with a soft, fleshlike substance

“So it looks like a human being.

“And just for the hell of it

“Give it the ability to perceive a person’s emotional state

“From his actions

“And know how to act accordingly.”

And he had a vice-president throw them all out of his office

And he looked at the sales graph

And he went to the liver bank.

Twenty-two years and eleven months later

In March of 1999

The Product Development Group snivelled in

With their robot.

It seated the Group Chairman

Remarking about how cold it had been last night.

Then it walked over to Arthur Chumley

And held out its soft, fleshlike hand

Which Arthur Chumley ignored.

Somewhat disconcerted

The robot said

“How are you, Mister Chumley?”

Whereupon Arthur Chumley replied

“Miserable. My wife had an affair with my best friend

And my servants have run off with my plane

And all my clothes.”

And the robot smiled

And said

“You’re joking, Mister Chumley.”

And Arthur Chumley leaned forward

And said

“You’re right. I’m joking.”

And Arthur Chumley turned to the Product Development Group

And said

“I am proud of you.

“I gave you a very difficult task:

“To build the More Perfect Robot.

“But you did it.

“And now I will give you an even more difficult task:

“To build The Perfect Robot.

“Build me a robot that is a companion.

“Build me a robot that is a friend.

“Build me a robot that can feel emotion

“And can pass for human

“And that, gentlemen, will be The Perfect Robot.”

And he dismissed them from his office

And he looked at the sales graph

And he smiled

For he knew that in a few years

The Group would present him with The Perfect Robot.

And they did

Early in the May of 2039.

Seven years and six months after that

In December of 2046

The people from Beta Centaurus IV came.

They didn’t invade

They just came

And they’re our very best friends now.

They were interested in our technology

And one day

Arthur Chumley was talking to one of them in his office.

They picked up the language rather quickly.

He was telling it

About the time

And money

And effort they had expended

To build a robot

That had smooth, agile movements

And weighed only two hundred kilos

And had a complete working vocabulary

To fit its particular function

And made no damn (klik) switching tapes

And could see

And smell

And hear

And taste

And feel

And was covered with a soft, fleshlike substance

And could perceive a person’s emotional state

And act accordingly

And was a companion and a friend

And could feel emotion

And could pass for human.

Whereupon the Centurian said

“He can’t do much of anything you can’t do.

“Why not just hire people to do the same things?”

And Arthur Chumley chuckled

And leaned back And opened his mouth

To tell the Centurian why not.

And then he closed his mouth

And excused himself

And went downstairs

And hailed a cab

And went home

And dashed off a few notes to his wife and broker

And packed four suitcases with stocks and bonds and money

And closed out all his bank accounts

And went to the spaceport

And chartered a small ship

And disappeared. ...