The Witches of Chiswick

7

It was the day before the day before yesterday and it was raining.

It was raining and the 8.02 morning train to Paddington was thirty seconds late.

Captain Ernest Starling of The Queen’s Own Electric Fusiliers sat in the first class waiting room of Brentford Central station, knees together, shoulders back and a look of impatience tightening the corners of a mouth that lurked in the shadow of his resplendent mustachios.

Captain Starling had little patience. He liked things done at the hurry up and by the rule book, which stated unequivocally that all things must be done on time. His wife, the fragrant Mary, always did things on time and by the numbers. Breakfast at 7.30am, dinner at 8.30pm, sex at 10.30pm, brandy and cigar for her husband at 10.32pm.

Not that the Captain didn’t feel the need for patience. He prayed nightly for it at 10.45pm. “God give me patience,” he prayed, “and give it to me now!”

But so far God had failed to heed the Captain’s requests. And so the Captain sat and stewed in the first class waiting room.

He cut a magnificent figure did the Captain. He wore his finest dress uniform, a tightly-fitting tunic of patterned blue velvet, trimmed with gold brocade and decked with the many medals he had won for gallantry. A blue silk cape was slung about his shoulders, and a bearskin helmet with a high cockade was on his head. His pantaloons were of purple damask, his high top boots polished patent leather.

The waiting room was elegantly furnished with quilted Chesterfield sofas, upholstered in rich red fabric embroidered in the style of Sir William Morris. Porcelain jardinieres of oriental design, embossed with dragon motifs, held orchids, which released heady fragrances into an atmosphere already enriched by the smoke of expensive cigars.

Upon the marble flooring lay a throw rug of the Afghani persuasion. The Captain’s highly polished boot heels began to rap briskly upon this rug, tapping to a regimental drumbeat that only he heard, that was quite out of time with the Strauss waltz that issued melodically through the brass speaker system.

The single other occupant of the waiting room was a fellow traveller, a gentleman of considerable girth and more than a little presence. He had entered but minutes before and, much to the Captain’s disgust, had chosen to sit right next to him, rather than to occupy one of the other vacant Chesterfields. This gentleman wore a stylish Amberly topcoat of grey moleskin with matching top hat and gloves. His face was broad, with hooded eyes and heavy jowls, and now he suddenly struck the marble flooring with the tip of his silver skull-topped swordstick.

“Sir,” said he. “Might I humbly beg that you desist from that infernal rapping?”

“You might, sir,” the Captain replied, turning his head to face his inquisitor. “But by God I will not, the train is late.” The Captain took from the breast pocket of his braided tunic a gold hunter which had been the gift of a grateful monarch, nipped open the lid of its case and perused its face. “A minute and five seconds late! I shall fax a letter of complaint to the director of the railway.”

“Chill out,” said the fellow traveller. “Don’t get your knickers in a twist.”

“What, sir? What did you say?”

“Relax,” said the gentleman. “Let yourself be soothed by the sounds of Strauss.”

“Damned foreigner.” the Captain rapped his heels once more. “Give me a good British regimental band any day. I cannot be having with this foreign folderol.”

“It’s technically British,” the traveller replied. “The British Empire now encompasses most of the globe, as well you know.”

“Of course I know, sir. I am an officer in the service of Her Majesty Queen Victoria (God bless her), in one of her most noble regiments. I’ve put the fear up Johnny Foreigner in many distant parts.”

“I too have travelled widely,” said the gentleman. “I have visited the Potala in Tibet and studied beneath the High Lama. I have wandered alone across the Kalahari Desert, where I met with the Bushmen, who made me their tribal chief. I have—”

“All very interesting,” said the Captain. “But the train is late.”

“Delayed a mile up the line,” said the gentleman. “A brewer’s dray broke a wheel upon the crossing. The train will be indefinitely delayed.”

“I’ve heard nothing of this on the tannoy, sir. How do you know of such matters?”

“I know,” said the gentlemen, “I know all.” And, opening his topcoat, he took from a pocket in his triple-breasted waistcoat of golden brocade a star-shaped calling card, which he passed in a gloved hand to the Captain.

The Captain took this card and read it aloud. “Hugo Rune, philanthropist, philosopher and genius,” he read.

“At your service,” said Hugo Rune.

“I have no need for your services, sir.”

“I feel perhaps that you do.”

“Hah.” The Captain resumed his impatient heel-tapping.

Rune tapped his swordstick in time to the Strauss. “I perceive that you are going to the launching,” said he.

“You what? Sir? You what?”

“To the launching at Greenwich. Of Her Majesty’s Electric Airship Dreadnaught. You are bound for that, I believe.”

“I am sir, as it happens. And at this rate I will be late.” The Captain sought his cigar case.

“Left-hand pantaloon pocket,” said Rune.

The Captain located his case in his left-hand pantaloon pocket. “Damn me, sir,” said he.

“Never,” said Rune. “It is not in my nature.”

The Captain fumbled a cigar from his case.

“You lack for a Lucifer,” said Rune.

“I have fire,” said the Captain, patting at his pocket.

“I believe not,” said Rune.

The Captain ceased his pattings. “Left the damned match case on my dresser,” said he.

“Allow me,” said Hugo Rune and reaching forward he plucked the cigar from the Captain’s fingers and popped it into the Captain’s mouth. And then Rune removed his gloves, waved his right hand before the Captain’s face, snapped his thumb and forefinger, and brought fire from nowhere to the Captain’s cigar.

“Taught to me by a fakir in Bombay,” said Hugo Rune.

The Captain seemed unable to suck.

“Draw breath,” said Rune.

And the Captain did so.

“There,” said Rune, blowing onto his thumb and forefinger to extinguish the flames. “A fine cigar,” and he sniffed at the smoke. “A Havana half-corona from Balbereth’s Tobacco Emporium in the Burlington Arcade. I have my cigarettes manufactured there, to my own personal blend.”

The Captain had ceased his puffing and his cigar hung perilously from his slack lower lip.

Rune reached forward once more and flipped up the Captain’s chin. “You’ll drop your cigar,” said he. “And that would be a waste.”

The Captain snatched the cigar from his mouth and hurled it to the floor. “Who are you, sir?” he demanded to be told.

“Hugo Rune,” said Hugo Rune. “You have my card. I am he.”

“Then what are you? Some kind of Music-Hall magician?”

“A magician,” said Rune. “But not one from the halls. My magic is of a higher calling.”

“More likely the work of the devil.”

“Your cigar is burning the rug,” observed Rune.

“Damn my cigar,” said the Captain, growing crimson at the cheeks.

“Waste not, want not,” said Rune, taking up the cigar, dusting it down and sticking it into his mouth.

“Damn me, sir. Enough of your impudence,” Captain Starling rose from the sofa and put his hand to the hilt of his sabre.

“Draw it not,” advised Rune. “For if you draw it, I might feel compelled to injure you.”

The Captain drew his sabre and brandished it bravely. “Up sir,” cried he.

“Sit down, you foolish man.”

“Up sir, or I slay you where you sit.”

Rune sighed and raised himself upon his stick. He faced the Captain eye to eye, then laid his stick aside. “I am unarmed,” said Rune. “Would you, an officer and a gentleman, slay an unarmed man?”

The Captain sheathed his sabre and raised his fists. “Marquis of Queensbury rules,” said he. “And I must warn you, I am the regimental champion. Defend yourself as best you can, for I mean to smite you for your impertience.”

“I think not,” said Hugo Rune. “Sit yourself down, there are matters I must discuss with you.”

“Have at you, sir.” The Captain swung a fist at Rune, but Rune, for all the considerable bulk of him, ducked nimbly out of range.

“Raise your fists, defend yourself,” called the Captain.

“I must warn you,” said Rune, “that I am a Grand High Master in the art of Dimac, the most deadly of all the martial arts, and that I can instantly disable and disfigure you with little more than a fingertip’s pressure.”

The Captain swung another fist; this too failed to connect with Hugo Rune, philanthropist, philosopher, genius and Grand High Master in the art of Dimac.

“I inform you of my skills,” said Rune, “because it is my duty to do so. My hands and feet are registered with the Metropolitan constabulary as deadly weapons. I am compelled to keep them in a locked cupboard when they are not in use.”

“What?” The Captain swung another fist, which similarly missed its mark.

“That was a humorous aside,” said Rune. “A little humour to lighten an otherwise tragic occasion.”

“Tragic?” the Captain squared up for further fist-swinging.

Rune reached forward and tapped him lightly on the shoulder.

The Captain collapsed in an untidy heap on the floor. Hugo Rune sighed and hauled the Captain onto another of the Chesterfields. He applied a smelling bottle to the Captain’s nostrils and returned him to consciousness.

“What?” went the Captain, floundering about. “What, what, what?”

“You were taken poorly,” said Rune. “But you’re all right now.”

“I feel altogether odd.”

“Now listen to me,” said Hugo Rune. His face pressed close to the Captain’s left ear. “You are bound for the launching at Greenwich. Of Her Majesty’s Electric Airship Dreadnaught. Thousands will be attending. It is to be the event of this year, 1885. But you must listen very carefully to me.” And Rune spoke further words into the ear of Captain Ernest Starling of the Queen’s Own Electric Fusiliers.

At 8.37am, the 8.02 morning train to Paddington drew into Brentford Central station. Captain Starling, somewhat shaky about the knee regions, but otherwise with his dignity intact, climbed into the first class carriage and sat down heavily.

The carriage was unoccupied but for a single figure, who appeared to be sleeping. He was a large gentleman in an Amberly topcoat of grey moleskin with a matching top hat and gloves. A swordstick with a silver skull-shaped mount rested across his knees. Captain Starling grunted impatiently and tapped his polished heels upon the carriage floor.

At length the train left the station and proceeded to Paddington.

The launching of the Electric Airship Dreadnaught was indeed the event of 1885.

The Times newspaper recorded the details upon its front page:

“We live in an age of marvels and we, the British people, are privileged that so many of these marvels should be the products of our own sovereign nation. The triumphs of modern engineering, brought to wondrous fruition by Mr Isambard Kingdom Brunel, are well known to all, and The Electric Airship Dreadnaught must rank as his single greatest achievement. The sheer scale and magnificence of this aerial warship are awesome to behold. Over fifteen hundred feet in length and capable of transporting entire regiments equipped with the very latest ordinance and armoured flying carriages, the airship is powered through the sky by two great electric turbine engines. These are the creation of Mr Nikola Tesla, whose mighty power towers ornament the skyline of the capital and are daily being erected the length and breadth of the country, to supply electrical energy, broadcast on a radio frequency without the need for cables, to every home and place of industry throughout our fair land. Mr Tesla’s electronic marvels could not, of course, have been made possible without the aid of the recently knighted Sir Charles Babbage, inventor of the calculating machine and many other invaluable and innovative inventions, which have advanced the nation and the British Empire.

“It seemed as if all of London had turned out to witness the launching of the Dreadnaught. In the great stands that had been erected for the occasion were to be seen renowned Music-Hall entertainers such as Little Tich, performer of the ever-popular Big Boot Dance, and Count Otto Black, proprietor of The Circus Fantastique. The playwright Oscar Wilde was in attendance and also the fashionable artist Mr Richard Dadd, whose latest portrait of Her Majesty the Queen (God bless Her) is to be seen on display at the Tate Gallery. Lords and ladies beyond the scope of counting were to be viewed in their finery, but it was the crowds of commoners waving their Union Jacks and singing in raucous tones that presented the most colourful cavalcade of characters. Every working type seemed to have been represented and it is only to be supposed that virtually all trade must have ceased in the great metropolis for this most special of days. Costermongers were much in evidence, as were crossing sweepers, street piemen, coffee-stall keepers, sellers of dolls and sponges, flypapers and beetle wafers, snuff and tobacco boxes, wash leathers and rat poisons. There were draymen and ragmen, tallymen and mudlarks, coal-heavers, lightermen and big bargees. A lady in a straw hat hawked copies of The War Cry and all rejoiced as Her Majesty Queen Victoria (God bless Her) christened the mighty sky vessel.

“But here a grim incident brought an unwelcome discord to the otherwise harmonious proceedings. An anarchist arose from the crowd, fought his way through the Metropolitan Police cordon and rushed at Her Majesty.

“His evil intent was however thwarted by the heroic actions of one Captain Ernest Starling of the Queen’s Own Electric Fusiliers, who, as if sensing the imminent attack, had positioned himself to receive it. Captain Starling cut down the assassin with his sabre, but was mortally wounded in the process.

“He has been posthumously awarded the Victoria Cross for his supreme gallantry.”