The Warrior Victorious

13

I awoke in the bed furs of my pleasant little room, the warmth of the sunshine coming through the windows telling me a new day had been started before I’d been conscious enough to notice. The dizziness that had gotten the better of me the night before was gone, but every bit of the oddness and depression I’d felt was back and hanging on. I’d remembered everything the instant I’d opened my eyes, and didn’t have to move from where I lay on my right side to know why the depression had flowered again so quickly. I wasn’t alone in that pleasant little room, and my companion was the reason I’d gotten depressed in the first place.

“I see, hama, that you are awake and aware of me,” Tammad said from the bed furs behind me, using the word “see” when what he really meant was “feel.”

“You will spend this day taking your ease and doing no other thing than eating well, for I will not have you fall swooning in such a manner again.”

“You have a different manner of swooning you’d rather see?” I asked without turning, not in the least surprised to find him there and back to giving orders. “Why don’t you sit down somewhere and make a list of your preferences, and later on I can memorize the list.”

“Hama, though for some reason you feel you must do so, you cannot simply refuse to be mine,” he said with a sigh, thick patience plastered firmly all over the inside of his mind. “We continue to be upon my world, which has proven to truly be your world as well. Even Rissim, he who is actual father to you, has agreed that my bands are upon you, therefore are you unquestionably mine.

Speak to me of what disturbs you, and we will together find an answer to the difficulty.”

“What disturbs me is very simple,” I said with a sigh of my own as I turned to my back so that I might look at him. “I was so-shattered, to use Dallan’s word-when I thought you were giving me up as a matter of honor, that all I wanted was to die. That’s what I was doing outside the city that day I was taken by my enemies, looking for a way to die. It doesn’t really matter that I was wrong about your wanting to give me up, all that matters is that I believed you would. I know honor is more important to you than I am, so I continue to believe and always will. If it comes down to a choice between me and honor I know I’ll lose, so I won’t let myself be put back in a position where the question might some day arise. I’d rather not have you than take the chance of losing you, and you’d better believe what I say. If you don’t leave right now, there won’t be any argument about what happens. ”

“Indeed shall there be no further argument between us,” he said very gently, his eyes and mind both showing how he hurt for the hurt I’d had in the look he sent down to me. “You need not fear that I shall ever give you up for I shall not, most especially as honor might in no way be entangled. My love for you and my love of honor have no meeting point, hama, therefore shall we put the matter from our minds and concern ourselves with more pleasant things.”

The hum in his mind broke out from under the patience that had muffled it for a while, and he began to put one of those ridiculously well-muscled arms around me to pull me closer. He was already under the top bed fur with me, and if he wasn’t as naked as I, it wouldn’t take him long to get that way. Instead of returning his smile or letting the humming reach me or trying to struggle the way I used to, I put one hand up to intercept that giant arm-at the same time reaching out with my mind. The mighty l’lenda was amused to see me trying to stop him-until his arm touched my hand and he had to jerk back with a hiss. Cold can be as painful to touch as heat, and Tammad denday hadn’t remembered what I’d done to him that day on the trail to Vediaster.

“My decision has already been made, l’lenda, and I advise you to abide by it,” I said as he sat up to rub at his arm and glare at me with low-browed disapproval. “I’ve finally learned the proper way of answering a challenge, which means I never have to be a victim again. Since I’m stronger than you it’s only fair that I warn you one more time: don’t try to fight me on this, you’ll only lose. There’s nothing you can say or do to make me change my mind.”

“Can I not, wenda?” he returned, deadly anger flowing swift and menacing out of his mind as he stared at me with narrowed eyes. I recognized the emotion as soon as I felt the edges of it, that same emotion he’d always used to send me shivering back away from him, but this time it didn’t reach me. It was shunted past without affecting me in the least, and all I could do in return was sigh and keep my word.

“Rimilia is your beloved world, Tammad denday,” I said as I reached to his mind again, thrusting aside all attempts to stop me. “Protecting the peoples of this world from the mondarayse is your privilege and responsibility, l’lenda, yet do you do no more than lie about in the furs dallying with a female. Is this the manner in which you discharge your responsibilities, the manner in which you see to them with honor?”

“No,” he answered in a whisper, a faint frown on his face to show his self-disapproval, his gaze more inward than it had been. Despite his stronger mind he’d been easier to take than Dallan had been in Vediaster, and rather than using a brother as I’d done with Dallan, it was the entire world Tammad was wrapped up in worrying about. He knew that his people were doomed if he didn’t do something to protect them, believed that if he stopped trying there would be no one to take his place, and was determined not to waste any time, which is all bed-play with a woman was. Time enough to do as he liked with her once more important business was taken care of. I could almost see him thinking like that as he got out of the bed furs and headed for his haddin and swordbelt, his mind busy with plans and stratagems. He’d completely forgotten his efforts weren’t needed any longer, and was determined to do what he knew and believed was required of him. I lay there holding his mind with almost no effort at all, wishing he hadn’t forced me to do that to him, but a wish like that was a waste of time. L’lendaa were too thick-headed and stubborn to listen to reason, so they had to be shown what was right in other ways.

As soon as he was dressed he left the room, too preoccupied to remember I was there-as long as I helped the preoccupation along. I set my mind to follow and hold his as long as possible, wondered whether I could really do that, then shrugged the question aside and got out of bed. Lately my mind had taken to finding ways of doing the things I decided needed doing, and it really didn’t matter whether this newest thing worked. As soon as Tammad went beyond the limits of my range he would be free, and not long after that he would understand what had been done to him. At that point he would probably come raging back, not realizing that I intended doing it again and again until he gave it up and stayed away. It was the only thing I could do, after all; what else is there, when you know no one in the real world can be trusted?

I was still too depressed to pay much attention to something like dressing, so I was out of the room and wandering the halls before I knew it. What I wanted was to go outside and take a long walk all alone, but what I ended up with was something else entirely. I suddenly found myself face to face with an Irin who had been looking for me, and not long after that I was being forced down among cushions in a private corner just beyond the kitchen. Three or four different dishes had apparently been kept warm for me, but the pitcher of fresh kimla brought over first was all I could raise any interest in. I poured a cup and sipped from it, then sat staring at it until Irin settled herself among cushions of her own.

“Don’t take too long getting started on that food, or it’ll be ice cold before you finish,” she said while pouring a second cup of kimla, using her chin to gesture toward the small table on my left. “The other girls and I aren’t bad when it comes to making things tasty, but cold can turn even the best of meals to glop.”

“That’s exactly what the best of meals would taste like to me right now,” I answered, mostly still staring at the kimla. “I must be working on minus hunger at this point, so please don’t be insulted if the food ends up untouched. I’m going out for a walk in a little while, which just might stimulate an appetite for later.”

“If I were you, young lady, I’d try to find that appetite right now,” she said, a wry amusement in the way she looked at me. “Your father is absolutely delighted to have back the daughter he’s missed for so long, but I guarantee his delight will fade very quickly if he finds out she isn’t eating the way every healer in the valley wants her to. And don’t think being banded will save you. As long as you’re under his roof, you’ll still- Terry, what are you doing?”

“Just disentangling from something,” I said with a faint smile, reeling in, so to speak, the contact I’d had with Tammad’s mind. It had taken him a while to move out of my range, but when it had happened even Irin had felt it. A few minutes more and he would be back to himself, and then- “Just to set things straight, you ought to know I am not banded. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says on the point, only my opinion counts. If that sounds too self-centered for a dream-place like this I’ll leave, but I won’t stop insisting on it.”

“What you can stop saying is anything about leaving,” she answered with a frown, the candlelight around us in our corner making her eyes glow green. “I couldn’t follow what you were just doing with your mind, but I know you were doing something. Terry, Tammad took you to your room last night with every intention of staying with you from then on. When I felt you moving around the house it didn’t occur to me to wonder where he was, and now you’re insisting again that you aren’t banded. Would you like to tell me what in freedom’s name you’ve done with him?”

Irin was trying so hard not to be outraged or worried or any of a dozen other things that I couldn’t keep from finding it funny; watching a Prime-level mind skittering around like that was like seeing a talented wire-walker trip over a shadow on the ground. Shed been too busy trying to poke at my mind to pay complete attention to what she was feeling, so it had almost gotten away from her. And she hadn’t even been able to get anything from me; what had happened had occurred too far out of her range, and there was nothing else for her to find.

“I convinced Tammad he had more important things to do than hang around with me,” I said before sipping again at the kimla, glad Irin hadn’t felt me laughing at her involuntary antics. The urge for laughter had faded almost as soon as it had started, leaving me just as depressed as I’d been. “He isn’t nearly as hard to handle as he thinks he is, but it’s going to take a little while before he’s permanently convinced. If shouting at roofraising level bothers you, you might want to find somewhere else for me to stay until it’s all over.”

“If shouting at roof-raising level bothered me, I’d never have stayed with Rissim as long as I have,” she countered with a snort, gesturing the point aside. “Are you saying you-did something to Tammad to make him leave you, and if he comes back you’ll do it again? Terry, it isn’t fair to take advantage of someone who doesn’t have your strength.”

“He was the one who came to me,” I answered with a shrug, feeling nothing of guilt but another ton or two of depression. “I told him I’d rather not have him than take the chance of one day losing him, but he refused to listen just the way he usually does. I also gave him clear warning that I intended defending myself, but he’s too used to winning against me. After another few tastes of being shoved into unreality, his opinions ought to start changing.”

“I’m beginning to wish all my children after you weren’t just boys she said with the strangest look on her face and a sigh in her mind, her hand reaching out to touch mine. “Girls don’t seem to have the same problems—or at least they don’t look at them in the same way-maybe it would be best if I simply said this straight out. Terry, you’re doing something that isn’t very bright, and even you know it. You just refuse to admit it.”

“I’m only doing what has to be done,” I came back, having no idea what she was talking about. “I think it’s fairly clear I’m not enjoying it, but that doesn’t mean I can stop. Tammad and I have no future together, not when I’m afraid to trust his love, so all I can do is walk away from him. Or, as it’s working out, make him walk away from me.”

That explanation sounds so cool and logical,” she observed, leaning back with her cup of kimla as she studied me. “Anyone listening to you couldn’t help but admire how well you’re handling it all, this thing with Tammad, suddenly finding out you’re part of a family you never knew existed, the fact that you were used by your own blood-kin for purposes even they don’t fully understand-all of it. Being in that complex shook you up, but ever since then you haven’t had trouble coping with anything. ”

“I’m not an infant,” I pointed out, finding her inspection the least bit uncomfortable. “I’m a grown woman, and grown-ups are supposed to be able to cope. Would you be happier if all I did was sit around crying and wringing my hands, complaining that I didn’t know what to do?”

“Actually, I would,” she said with a judicious nod, still keeping her eyes on me. “You know, getting close to your mind is difficult, but with a little practice it can be done. It’s not quite like looking at the sun with unprotected eyes, more like looking at a very bright torch, and if you manage to filter just a little you can see everything you have to. Would you like to know what I’m seeing?”

“Why not?” I responded, just stopping myself from snapping closed my strongest shield. I couldn’t understand where that conversation was coming from or going, but hiding behind a shield wasn’t necessary any longer. I finally had everything worked out, and never had to be a victim again. The kimla I swallowed at was beginning to cool, but it still did the job of wetting my mouth and throat.

“Terry, listen to me,” she said as she put her hand on my arm, and I looked up to see that she was leaning toward me with urgency in her eyes. “What you’re doing has helped to keep you sane until now, but if you keep on doing it, all you’ll find is madness. You said you’re coping with things, but that’s just the point, you’re not coping with them. Murdock told you he was responsible for taking you away from people who loved you to leave you with strangers, and you weren’t even angry with him. Rissim and I welcomed you to our home as our daughter, and you simply smiled and moved in. Terry, you’re looking at everything that’s happening as though it isn’t real, treating it all as a dream that can be experienced and enjoyed, but isn’t anything to get excited over. Carried far enough, an attitude like that can cause complete withdrawal, so you have to stop it now. ”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, holding tight to my cup of kimla as I wished she would let my arm go and stop staring at me like that. “Just because I’m finally learning how to control my emotions doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with reality. You have to admit everything I’ve been told lately is just a little beyond the bounds of normal belief, so if you’re getting an echo of the unreal from my mind, that must be the reason. After everything settles down, I’ll be just-fine.”

“Will you,” she said, finally leaning back a little but still holding my arm, those green eyes glowing. “Is that why you’re so determined to rid yourself of Tammad? You don’t want to be rid of him, all you want to do is believe everything he tells you, but he has no place in the dream world you’re building except as a painful, once-beloved memory. When he’s gone you can relive the good times with him without risk, knowing he’ll never be any less yours, knowing he’ll never do anything to force you back to something you don’t believe you can deal with. You’ve just been through a lot of hurt, my darling, but you mustn’t believe that’s all life holds for you. You’re not alone any longer, and we’re going to see to it that you’re never alone again.”

Never alone again. I stared at her as I let that phrase repeat itself over and over in my mind, feeling exactly what it meant to me. When you set people into place in your mind and then let yourself join them, they always say and do just what you like and never exclude you from their company. You have the best time you’ve ever had, you know you’re loved and even liked, and all you have to do is be yourself to be witty, charming and completely accepted. Mistakes aren’t important, because if they happen you just wipe everything out and start again, this time doing it right. Ordinary people can hurt you at any time no matter how often they swear they won’t, but those who keep you company in your mind . . .

“It’s trust, isn’t it?” she said softly, sharing compassion with me. “All trusting people has gotten you so far is betrayal, and you’re really afraid to try it again. Well, you don’t have to, you know, at least not right away. We’re willing to let you sit back and wait until we prove we can be trusted, we don’t mind. After everything that’s happened, it’s the least we can do.”

Her smile was friendly and warm and real, as real as the offer shed made and just as sincere. It was also one of the oddest things I’d ever been told, and I got some idea of what my expression was like when her smile changed to a grin.

“With the rest of us taken care of, at least for a while, all you need to think about now is Tammad,” she said, the conversation immediately changing from serious to amused along with her mood. “You can pretend the rest of us are unreal as much as you like, but l’lendaa have a habit of not letting themselves be treated that way. What will you do if the next time he shows up he’s shielded?”

“He doesn’t know how to shield,” I said, making a face before finishing up the kimla in my cup. “And even if he happens to learn, didn’t you hear what Len said? I’ve developed the ability to get through shields, which is what I had to do to win against Farian and become Chama. I don’t expect to have any trouble with Tammad.”

“Ouch, there goes that depression again,” she said, making a face of her own. “With him it’s not just a matter of trust, is it? You really are afraid to take him back because you might lose him again, but in the strangest way you’re acting as if you already have lost him. I can feel disappointment, but you also seem to be blaming yourself as the cause of the disappointment. You’re disappointed in him, but whatever he’s done it isn’t his fault. Hmmm.”

Her sight went unfocused as her mind went into high gear, leaving me to reach for the kimla pitcher in an effort to keep my annoyance down. In a way Irin was behaving just the way Rissim had the night before, calmly deciding she had the right to mix into my life without once asking whether or not I minded. Considering the way Rimilian men were, his doing it wasn’t very surprising, but what gave her the right to . . .

“Aha, I think I have it!” she said with a small laugh, her self-satisfaction very clear. “I’m usually not all that good at figuring these things out, but this time it was almost easy. The key was in what you said about not expecting to have any trouble with l’lendaa, and also in your comment that Tammad was used to winning against you. You liked the idea of his being able to stand up to you, but now that you’ve come to terms with your mind strength you don’t think he’ll be able to do it any longer. That’s also why you’re not very worried at the thought of your father being annoyed with you, but where Tammad’s concerned you’re disappointed rather than unworried. You didn’t want to grow beyond him, but that didn’t stop it from happening.”

“He’s the sort of man who has to be in charge, and with me around he can’t be,” I said with a shrug, finding her guess close enough to the mark to make correction unnecessary. “He once admitted he’d always had trouble coping with me, and the way I am now he’d have more than trouble. I can’t trust him not to give me up one day for the sake of an ideal, and although he doesn’t realize it yet, he can’t trust me not to do things that will make him feel like less of a man. If it was just me I might take the chance, but knowing what it will do to him . . . What was that you said about reality being better than a dream world?”

“It is better, and you’ve got to believe that!” she said with intensity, no longer amused, her hand on my arm again. “Every time something like this happens you put up another layer of glass between you and the rest of us, but it’s not shutting us out, it’s locking you in! I’ll bet that even when you cry the tears aren’t real, not with the way you’re refusing to feel anything. If you keep going on like this you’ll be made of nothing but glass, and I don’t think you need to be told what usually happens to things made of glass.”

“For one, they seldom find themselves held in the arms of a man,” another voice said, one I really hadn’t been expecting. He shouldn’t have come back calm and under control, he should have been mad as hell! “All wendaa deserve to be held in the arms of the men who love them, so that together they may find a solution to their troubles.”

“Tammad, do sit down and have some kimla with us,” Irin said in delight, really enjoying playing the gracious hostess in the middle of a primitive world. “Did you sleep well last night?”

“Your hospitality was most appreciated,” the barbarian answered courteously as he came forward to sit crosslegged on my left, paying no attention to the fact that I wasn’t even looking at him. “What oddness I faced this morning stemmed from a source beyond the control of you and the l’lenda Rissim, and I must therefore apologize for having taken my leave without first having given you thanks for your courtesy.”

“Considering the fact that she is our daughter, apologies on your part are totally unnecessary,” Irin came back, giving him a commiserating smile. “If she weren’t already banded as yours, we would be the ones who needed to apologize. How much of our conversation did you hear?”

“Enough,” he said, a turn of his head letting me have the weight of his eyes. “I felt much the fool, to discover myself busily out and about a doing which was no longer mine alone. It was not difficult knowing my wenda was to blame, for Dallan had told me of the thrall under which he had been kept in Vediaster. To say my anger was great is to say one is mildly pleased when one is victorious in battle. ”

“But you don’t seem angry now,” Irin pointed out, reaching the pitcher of kimla over to fill the cup her guest had picked up. “Did you change your mind along the way, or did you first have to hear what we were saying?”

“The condition of my anger has not changed,” he said, the calm in his mind swirling as thickly as ever. “I had no wish to warn the woman of my approach, therefore did I cover what I felt before returning here. There will be punishment for what was done by her, yet now do I see the necessity for first assisting in returning her to that which she was. No man joys in having a woman without feeling. ”

“I love the way l’lendaa never give up on anything they really want,” Irin said comfortably, amusement in her glance to me as she brought the pitcher back. “Rissim was like that when he first decided I was the one he wanted to band, and you can take my word for the fact that he didn’t have an easy time of it. And it never bothered him that my mind was stronger than his. How much does Terry’s strength bother you?”

She really was very pleased with herself when she turned a bright smile on Tammad and waited for his answer, but the smile faded when she saw the unfocused look in his eyes. He sat very still for a moment, head cocked as though listening intently, then dropped his cup of kimla, surged instantly and gracefully to his feet, and raced out of the private area he’d earlier barged into. He didn’t make enough noise for us to follow his progress through the house by ear, but Irin wasn’t listening by ear. I could feel her trying to reach his mind, but she’d really started too late. Before she could do anything at all he was out of her range, which let her turn her furious face to me.

“What have you done to him now?” she demanded, her annoyance and frustration so strong I was surprised she wasn’t throwing things. “We had it all out in the open and he didn’t want to leave, and all you needed to do was let him help! And just look at that mess you caused! What did you do to make him run out like that?”

“He thinks he hears his beloved calling out to him for his help,” I said, then drained my cup of kimla before putting it aside. I hadn’t known I could do that without using words to suggest the state of mind I wanted, but there had been too many surprises lately for me to spend much time oohing and aahing over another. “He’s out there right now trying to find her, but all he’ll find is the hard fact that his help isn’t wanted. I appreciate the hospitality you’ve shown me, Irin, I thank you for your concern, and I hope you’ll pass on my thanks to Rissim as well. As soon as I find a place to stay, I’ll send for my clothes.”

“Terrilian, you can’t move out of the house!” she cried, climbing to her feet as I got to mine. “Do you think if you’re not here that will stop me from trying to help you? Nothing will stop me, and you can bet everything you own on that!”

“You aren’t helping, you’re interfering!” I snapped back, conceding then that a polite leave-taking wasn’t going to be possible. “You have no right encouraging a man I don’t want anywhere near me, especially not after I told you why I don’t want him. If that’s your idea of making someone feel like part of a family, I’d rather be alone.”

“That’s exactly what your whole trouble is, too much of being alone!” she fumed back, fists now on hips. “That and being brought up to believe your opinion counts more than anyone else’s. Do you have any idea how much arrogance it takes to decide you’re not going to let someone make a sacrifice for you without even knowing whether or not they consider it a sacrifice? You’re deciding what’s best for him without making any effort to consult his wishes!”

“He’s too stubborn to know what’s good for him, so why would I waste the time?” I retorted, finding it more than clear that the discussion I was then in fell into the same category. “And if it’s arrogance to want to direct your own life in your own way, then go right ahead and call me arrogant. Just as long as you do it from a distance, something I’ll take care of, I don’t mind in the least.”

“Once that life you just mentioned becomes entwined with those of other people, you have to think of them as well as yourself,” she said, refusing to give it up even as I began turning away. “It’s our fault you never learned that, so your father and I will have to be the ones to do something about the lack. You’re not finished with us, young lady, you’re only starting, and that goes for whether you like it or not!”

Instead of answering I just kept going, making my way up the hall to the front door and then out. I was so annoyed it was all I could do to control the emotion, and actually had to stop for a minute once I was outside in the sunshine to get a better grip on myself. That woman had more nerve than anyone I had met in my entire life, and I was delighted I would not be living in her house any longer. It was hard to believe she would actually suggest I was forcing Tammad to do things my way. He was the one who went in for forcing, not me, and if she hadn’t been so interested in her own interpretation of things she would know that. I stood squinting into the sunlight until I was calm enough to unclench my fists, then went looking for someone to tell me how to find the place I wanted to go.

Getting directions turned out to be simple. The first person I stopped knew exactly where the attack-planning group was meeting, and cheerfully gave me directions to a house not far from Murdock’s. It hadn’t occurred to me sooner, but in a situation like that everyone in the community could be expected to know what was going on because they all had a part in it. If they weren’t planning they were part of the plan, so there was nothing more natural than that they know. A man who seemed to be a head servant let me into the house and politely asked me to wait, then went looking for someone to tell I was there. I waited with a patience I wasn’t really feeling, but the wait turned out to be extremely short. I hadn’t shifted in place more than once before a very familiar face came out from behind the hanging the servant had gone through.

“Terry, this is a pleasant surprise,” Garth said, the warm greeting in his mind making me feel a little better. “Are you sure you’re well enough to be here? Last night Tammad and Rissim agreed you’d be spending the day today taking it easy.”

“I am taking it easy,” I pointed out, seeing no need for going into the question any further. “I just thought I’d check to see how far along you people are, to get some idea of when the attack is planned for. I had the impression you don’t intend wasting much time before striking. ”

“We can’t waste much time,” he said, beginning to lead me back in the direction he’d come from, enthusiasm lighting his eyes. “Getting an attack off the planning board and onto the battlefield is usually a time-consuming process because of how careful you have to be with the lives of your people, but in our situation we have to move as fast as possible. We have someone with a supposedly faulty transponder set on your frequency leading their searchers around now, making sure the transponder goes out at the critical time to keep the complex people from catching him, but we can’t keep that up forever. II won’t be long before they either catch our man or come to the conclusion they’re being had, and once that happens they’ll be warned. We want to attack before they’re ready for us, but there are nitty little points we’re being tangled up in, which is why we’ll all be glad you’re here. You can answer what questions we have as we go along, and in between those times you can relax. Help yourself to something to drink, then make yourself comfortable.”

By that time we had reached the large room the planning group was using, and Garth left me to go back to the circle of men and women who were busy arguing out two or three points at a time. They were at the end of the room closest to the unlit fireplace, between two of the four opened terrace doors in the long wall straight ahead, and I didn’t have to ask if they’d mind having someone listening in. They already had an audience of one, and when Ashton saw me she grinned.

“Well, fancy meeting you here,” she said from her place among the cushions on the near side of the room, saluting me with the cup she held. “Do you mean Irin’s actually letting you out alone this soon? She must be sick or something. ”

“I’m a real, live grown-up, and as such I go and do as I please,” I answered sourly, stopping near a small table to pour myself what felt like my twentieth cup of kimla.

“Let us also not forget that right now I have the strongest mind in the community, a mind I’m not at all reluctant to use. With that in view we might want to watch what we say to me, just to be certain we don’t find out firsthand exactly how much getting smacked can hurt.”

“My, my, aren’t we touchy this morning,” Ashton observed with only a little of her grin gone, watching as I sat down not far from her. “I can empathize with the position you’re in, but you really do have to remember how long my little sister has been waiting to get you back. No one is going to be able to stop her from treating you like a backward infant for a while, but it won’t be forever so you might as well just relax and enjoy it. Once she gets used to having you around she’ll be handing you chores the way she does with the other women in the household, so you’ll be best off making the lazy time last as long as possible.”

“I’m afraid I won’t be around long enough for either familiarity or chores,” I said, sipping at my kimla while staring out the nearest open terrace door at a very pleasant private garden. “I intend being part of the attack force and afterward will spend some time trying to help the rest of you get past the plateau you’re stopped at, but after that I’m leaving. I really do prefer more civilized surroundings, and with our war won I’ll be able to go back to them.”

I was able to enjoy the sight of pretty flowers in golden sunshine for a minute or so in silence, but I’d already learned that where Ashton is concerned, silence doesn’t have much of a life span.

“There’s more than simple fussing wrong between you and Irin,” she stated, all amusement gone out of her voice. “I would have detected it, sooner, but I didn’t want to- Terry, you can’t seriously mean that you want to leave all this, that you’d rather live with people who haven’t the faintest idea what it is to share themselves with others? I’ve lived that life so I know what it’s like, how narrow and individual and unsatisfying it is! You know you’re one of us and that you belong with us, so how can you talk about leaving?”

“I open my mouth and move my tongue, that’s how I can talk about it,” I said, still looking at the garden. “If I want to live somewhere other than here that’s my business, and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do it. If I get tired of the civilized life among the unawakened I can always visit Vediaster for a while, but I don’t have to stay locked up here.”

“Locked up,” she echoed, her mind disturbed and seriously concerned. “And used together with ‘have to.’ I hate to imagine what went on to bring you to a point like that so soon after your being scared to death no one would accept you. I think it’s time your aunt Asha had a long talk with her sister and your mother, just to . . . ”

“Do me a favor and do your first talking to your brother,” I interrupted, again finding myself unsurprised that Ashton intended getting on with her own quota of meddling. “Since Murdock’s the one responsible for bringing me here, he can also be responsible for finding me some place quiet and private to stay. If he doesn’t manage to do it by sundown, he’ll find me camping in his entrance hall.”

“Murdock’s up to his ears right now arranging transports and coordinating the calling up of all our fighting forces, but I’ll see what I can do,” Ashton grudged, not happy about having to make the promise. “If it comes right down to it, you can always stay with me. All right, all right, stop trying to kill me with a stare. You’re not interested in sharing quarters with family, and that’s all there is to it. But what about that gorgeous hunk of a man you’ve been avoiding? If you need a- place to sleep, I’m sure he’d be more than happy to . . . ”

Since I was already up on my feet and walking away from her I managed to avoid the rest of her clever comment, and happily she knew better than to pursue it by coming after me. I had more interest in what the planning group was up to than in anything Ashton could find to say, and it wasn’t hard shifting my attention to them. Time went by while they argued, agreed, argued then agreed again, and some time during that period Tammad moved out of my range again. As soon as he did I called up my curtain, then went back to paying attention to what the planners were saying and doing.

I didn’t have much experience watching strategists at work, but if that group was what they were normally like, I was really impressed. The going had seemed somewhat slow to begin with, but after a little while they really began rolling. Problems were brought up and solved one after the other, and during that time I discovered Ashton wasn’t there just because she had nothing better to do with her time. After she answered the fifth or sixth question thrown at her it was possible to believe she had all the coordinating data there was, every bit of it filed carefully in her head. The first question shed been asked had had to be repeated before she was drawn out of distraction, but that was understandable. I’d given her something not terribly pleasant to think about, and that was obviously what shed been doing.

Garth had given me a smile when I’d first walked over to the group, but aside from that no one paid any attention to me unless they had a question about the complex. Perversely enough it felt good being that unpopular, and after a while I was able to simply listen without having to fight off thoughts of my own that were trying to distract me. A lot of kimla went down my throat during that time, and I was just thinking about refilling my cup when the strategists stirred and stretched and began talking about having a meal instead of how to get past enemy firepower. I thought briefly about joining them, decided against it when I found I still didn’t have much of an appetite, so I got to my feet to leave. Where I intended going I wasn’t quite sure, but when I turned to walk away I found Rissim directly in my path.

“I believe you were told, treda mine, that you were to remain at home this day so that you might be cared for,” he said, looking down at me the way Rimilian men do when they’re not very happy with you. “I returned to see how you fared, only to find that you had disobeyed and departed. I had hoped the time would be longer before you required guidance from he who fathered you, yet such is not to be. You will return home with me now, and for a short while we will talk.”

He stood like a broad, tanned, immovable object, arms folded across his chest, light eyes pinning me where I stood. I had no idea how he’d found me-unless he’d been extremely clever about it and had asked the people in the shops around his house if they’d seen me—but I did know I wasn’t going with him. I’d had more than enough “help” for one day, and “talk” was the next item on the same list.

“Rissim, I appreciate your concern, but I’m not going back,” I said gently, trying not to hurt and disappoint him any more than I absolutely had to. “I came here to find out how soon we’ll be attacking, because not long after we’ve won I’ll be leaving Rimilia. I-miss my house and friends on Central, and after being away for so long I really need to go back. It has nothing to do with you and Irin, it’s just a case of homesickness, so . . . ”

“So we need only step aside and allow you to return to the solitude and loneliness which have ever been yours,” he said, giving me no chance to finish the finesounding excuse Iii been weaving. “To believe that your mother and I would abandon you again is great foolishness, wenda, for such a thing will not be. And should you truly wish to be allowed to join in the attack you must practice obedience, for unless you have returned to adequate health you will merely watch others engaged in the effort. Come now, and we will see to your feeding before you sleep for a time.”

“I said, I’m not going with you,” I repeated with less gentleness, trying to keep from getting too annoyed. “I don’t need anyone’s permission to do anything, and I’ll eat and sleep when I want to eat and sleep. If you people don’t have enough to keep you busy with running your own lives, find someone else to take over and direct. I’ve had enough of being told what to do to last me till I’m old and gray.”

If there were any chance of my living that long, I added to myself as I began to step around him, beginning to be aware of that deep weariness inside me again. Enough is enough is too much, and I seemed to have passed even the too much stage quite a while back. I had actually already dismissed Rissim from my thoughts when a big hand closed carefully around my arm, and I was no longer walking out of the room.

“You must learn, treda mine, that there is a great difference between those who direct you for their sake, and those who direct you for your own,” I was told, the deep voice just as calm and patient as it had been. “Those who command you, from love do so till you, yourself, are able to do the thing, till confusion and uncertainty have gone from you. When such completeness has returned to you, you will again be prepared to seek your fate. For now, you will merely obey.”

“The hell I will,” I answered, banishing my curtain as I looked up at him. “When I said I’d never be a victim again, I meant i-”

My words cut off in midsentence as my mind reached his—or, to be more precise, stopped as close to his as it could get. I hadn’t noticed sooner but Rissim was shielded, and not with the sort of shiny round shield it was so easy to get through. His mind was tightly enclosed in the small, thick shield I also had, the kind I had to work around in order to get through. In desperation I crashed my mind against that shield, willing to work blind if I could just get around it, but there wasn’t enough room to go around. From the inside there was plenty of room, but from the outside

“You can’t do this to me!” I shouted, trying to pull my arm loose from his grip, dropping the empty cup I held to free the hand for beating at him, but it all did as much good as it ever does with Rimilians. He paid no attention whatsoever to my struggling, acting as though I were standing still.

“For what reason can I not?” he asked, his continuing mildness and gentleness infuriating. “Are you not flesh of my flesh, and is it not the duty of a father to see to his offspring? In truth this duty should have been another’s, yet am I told that you have declared yourself unbanded, and he who laid claim to you is no longer about. In view of these things we shall now return home.”

He turned and began to make his way out of the house, and with his hand still around my arm there was no question about whether or not I went with him. Ashton and the others made no attempt to interfere, and neither did anyone on the street. I was gently and carefully dragged all the way back to his house, up the hall, and into my room. The open windows were no longer open, at least not down where I could reach them; above the regular windows, near the ceiling, were two-foot squares that let some light and air in through screening. I would have bet quite a lot that I’d find the lower windows locked in some way when I checked them, and Rissim’s finally releasing my arm seemed to confirm that.

“Your mother will soon appear with a meal for you, wenda,” he said as he closed the door, then turned to look down at me. “She and I care for you very deeply, and have no wish to see you fade away before our eyes from lack of nourishment. You have said you wish to be a part of the attack force; should this continue to be so, you will obey us in an effort to grow strong again.”

“If I wasn’t already strong enough, you wouldn’t be so closely shielded,” I said, folding my arms as I looked up at him. “How long do you think you can keep me here like this?”

“As long as necessary,” he returned with a shrug, folding his own arms. “Would you care to speak of what disturbs you, and afterward be given my views of the matter? Too often are we able to see no other than a single side of a difficulty, when sight of two sides is required for a solution.”

“I have all the views of my troubles that I need,” I came back, really hating all that patience and understanding. “I’ll get out of here, you know, just the way I’ve gotten out of every other prison trying to hold me. No matter what you do to me, you won’t stop me from succeeding.”

“Should you wish to be released from here, you need only obey me a short while,” he said, a gleam of-pride?-in his eyes. “Your imprisonment here is not imprisonment but punishment, a child’s punishment for the behavior of a child. To endanger one’s health and wellbeing is foolishness, treda mine, and to see those who attempt to aid you as enemies and captors more foolish still. When your behavior shows you to be no longer a child, you will have no need to seek escape. You will walk from here to freedom as does any adult.”

“You’re lying just to confuse me!” I shouted, my head whirling almost as badly as it had the night before. I’d fought so hard against enemies pretending to be friends, and now he was calling me a fool for keeping on with it! Everyone was always after me for something, Aesnil in Grelana, Farian in -Vediaster, those people at the complex. I couldn’t let my guard down and believe someone was doing something for me, I just couldn’t! I began to turn away from him with my fists in my hair, but the return of his hand to my arm stopped me.

“You may not give insult to those about you without adding to your punishment,” he said, looking more hurt than angry. “As you continue to show the actions of a child so will you be treated, and perhaps such a doing will be best. One must be a child before one is able to grow to adulthood.”

I had begun feeling again as though I were walking through a dream, and what happened after that just made the feeling worse. Rissim sat down and put me over his knee, then spanked me as though I were a child. There was no doubt about whether or not it hurt, but it didn’t hurt like torture, only like punishment. By the time it was over Irin was there, shielded just the way he was, but with commiseration and compassion still flowing thick enough to fill a river. She spent a short time comforting me and a longer time getting me to eat some of the food she’d brought, and then she got me out of my clothes and into bed. She and Rissim were still there in the room, but I fell asleep just as though I had nothing to worry about.

When I woke again it was dark outside with a single candle burning in the room, and I was so confused I didn’t know why I wasn’t dizzy. At first it had been pleasant fantasizing those people as my parents, but now things were getting complicated. I knew they wanted something from me, but I hadn’t yet been able to find out what it was. The longer it took the less sure I became, and I didn’t like not being sure. I lay belly down with my cheek to the furs under me, thinking about all that not-knowing, and suddenly it came to me to wonder if there really was something wrong with me. Confusion seemed to be the only emotion I was able to feel any more, that and suspicion. I hadn’t been feeling really right since I escaped from the complex, and having no true desire for food was only a small part of it. Most of the time it seemed that everyone else was at fault, but if I held very still and thought about it—

I cursed under my breath as I leaned up on my elbows, feeling the truth of the thought I’d begun. There was something wrong, no doubt about it, but getting rid of it wasn’t going to be easy. If I didn’t even want to think about it—and the way my mind was avoiding the issue showed exactly that-how was I supposed to figure out what was wrong and fix it? I certainly couldn’t trust anyone to help me find it—

“Hell and damnation!” I growled, knowing it was working on me again but helpless to stop it. Layers of glass between you and the world, Irin had said, layers that just got thicker and thicker. You on the inside, she said, and you’ll never get out. Me on the inside with whatever was wrong, and how the hell was anything supposed to reach—

I had started shifting around in annoyance, but a twinge of pain in my back brought me up short. My back still wasn’t in very good shape, because it wasn’t healing more than slowly. I’d used pain control a couple of times, but not once since I’d gotten back to Rimilia had I tried to use the deep-healing aspect of pain control. I’d used it before so it didn’t make any sense—and then I could feel the urge to try it beginning to fade—

“Something is making you not want to use it, so you’ve got to do it anyway,” I whispered to myself, trying to sound and feel determined. I really didn’t want to do it so that meant I had to, to keep from being forced into anything. Even that thought confused me, more than I felt I could stand, but maybe the inner healing would work. Without floundering around the question any longer, a question I would soon drown in, I got a two-hand grip of the fur under me, bent my head, then turned my attention inward.

The first time I’d tried deep self-healing I hadn’t been aware of the passage of time, and my second effort was just like the first. I came out of it wondering if I’d accomplished anything, turned over under the cover fur to sit up, then rubbed at my eyes with my hands. I’d been surrounded by people I couldn’t trust, people who only wanted to make me a victim and use me for their own purposes—but the strong suspicion as well as the conviction was already fading. It looked like the first half of the irrational conviction had been a mental disorder, probably set’ in place by conditioning, most likely to keep me from trusting anyone at the complex. If those who were aware of what was going on didn’t trust anyone there, they wouldn’t plot with them against those who ran the complex. Then something had happened to make the distrust begin coloring everything else I was feeling, putting a veneer of the complex on Rimilia and binding them inseparably together. I could see that now, also remembering I’d wanted to die in both places, and the reinforced feeling had convinced me not to heal myself any farther. If I’d just left it all alone my problems would soon have been solved, and I’d simply have slipped from dreams to death without once having to touch reality. It would have been the easy way, the pleasant way, but I’d always been too thickheaded to take one of those paths . . .

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” Irin’s voice came suddenly and I dropped my hands to see her standing in the now open doorway. “Are you feeling better after your nap?”

“I’m feeling better after something a little more effective than a nap,” I said, watching her walk closer to the bed I sat in. “Irin, about the way I’ve been behaving . . .”

“Now, don’t you let that worry you even for a minute,” she interrupted, giving me a smile as she put a hand to my cheek. “Every time so far you’ve been better after getting your rest, so I’m going to see to it that you get all the rest you need. You’ll stay in that bed until you’re completely better, which will happen in no time at all. Are you ready to eat again?”

“No, I’m not ready to eat again,” I answered, trying to keep the annoyance out of my voice. “What I’m ready to do is explain why . . . ”

Terry, you don’t want your father to hear you refusing again, do you?” she asked, suddenly being very conspiratorily serious. “It hurt me to see him spank you like that and I know it hurt him as well, but he’ll do it again if he has to. He wants to know you’re eating well, and he won’t like what you just said. Do you want me to tell him?”

“Good lord, no,” I muttered, wondering how she had the nerve to say it had hurt them. “Irin, listen to me, there’s something I have to expl—”

“Then he won’t be told,” she plowed on, beaming at me over the secret we were going to keep together. “As long as you’re a good girl and do as you’re supposed to, you won’t have to be punished. I’ll be right back with your food.”

I watched her walk out and close the door again, then let myself fall back flat onto the bed furs. It was upsetting to realize Irin had been treating me like a very small child, just the way Rissim had decided I needed to be treated, and I hadn’t been able to get through her wall of make-believe any more than I’d been able to get through her shield. As soon as I explained why I’d been acting so strangely they’d let me out of there, but first I had to get more than three words in edgewise-without sending her running for Rissim. That spanking had hurt even through my trousers, and I didn’t want to have to try explaining things during a second dose of it. I’d have to get through to Irin while I was eating, and then I could take some time off to do a little thinking.

Irin and the food came back, but getting through to her wasn’t on the menu. She chattered away happily while she sat at the side of the bed-furs feeding me, and it was Rissim himself who stood beside the doorway watching. Every time I tried to say something he got that look in his eyes, and then Irin was shoveling in more food. I wasn’t reluctant to eat any longer, not after the healing had finally let me know how much I needed it, but my capacity was way down and I was getting more and more desperate to explain something they didn’t want to hear.

It was not what might be considered a fun time, and when Irin finally let me off the hook, Rissim took his turn.

“There are those who would speak with you now, wenda,” he said, giving me that well-known Rimilian-male-light-eyed-stare. “As I will not have one of mine giving insult to guests beneath my roof, you will speak yourself only when spoken to, and then will reply politely and to the point. At all other times you will remain silent, else shall you be given a reason for raising your voice. Is my meaning clear to you?”

I nodded glumly as I leaned against the cushions Irin had put behind my back, understanding I had to acknowledge temporary defeat. Rissim didn’t want me insulting whoever his visitors were, so I either kept quiet or got put over his knee again. I’d have to wait until they left before taking the chance of insisting on speaking my piece, but that would be a time when Rissim would be more likely to listen. First I’d wait, and then I’d take the chance.

Irin took the food away, and then came back leading a group of men and women who were mixed part Rimilian and part Centran, just like the group of strategists I’d spent the morning listening to. They were introduced as a group rather than individually-to keep from tiring me with unnecessary introductions, I was told—and the group they were was the one concerned with mental abilities. They’d come to find out just how far I’d gotten, and even beyond that, how I’d managed to get that far.

I told them what I could about the progression of my abilities, mentioned all the new things I’d started finding after almost being burned out, and then I was told something I hadn’t expected to hear. I’d finished answering questions about my fight with the intruder in the resting place of the Sword of Gerleth, having related everything about it just to be sure I didn’t leave out something important, and for a moment there was a very heavy silence. I could feel the group’s roiling emotions despite the excellent control every one of them had, and then one of the women sighed.

“I’m-afraid the-experience you had was-in a roundabout way—the fault of this community,” she said, forcing the words out past a very great reluctance, her eyes having difficulty staying on my face. “That-intruder who did so much to hurt you and the others. It pains me to admit it, but he was one of ours.”

“Yours?” I echoed, shocked to hear her say something like that. “But he wasn’t an empath! How could he be one of yours?”

“He was a strange-birth, a result of the mixing of Rimilian and Centran blood that happily occurs only very, very rarely,” she answered, still dragging the words out. “He was born without a trace of the least amount of mental ability, and to make matters worse was larger even than native-born Rimilians despite his dark hair. He was-very delicately balanced even as a child, and the older he got the worse the instability became. When he changed from a boy to a man, he tried to get the girls interested in him, but they were all empaths and wanted nothing to do with an untalented no matter how physically attractive he was. He tried for a long while before he gave up, and then he retreated into a fantasy world.”

“One in which everyone was like him, and everyone conformed to the rules he had devised,” I said, shivering a little as I remembered how he’d insisted I was from his secret community. I’d thought he was insane and he certainly had been, but he really hadn’t been wrong. “No wonder the girls of his world weren’t allowed to pair with men until they were ‘fully grown.’ That was the reason none of them had paired with him . . . .”

“Yes,” the woman agreed in a pitying whisper, adding something about his disappearing one day and never coming back. He must have found some secret way into the mountain, and then had discovered the resting place of the Sword. There was another silence, this one filled with the emotions of farewell, and. then they were all on their feet and heading out the door. My memories of the time had caught and held me for a short while, and they’d known without being told that I had no real desire to continue the discussion. Irin had given me a hug and a kiss good night, had blown out the candle, and was already gone with the door closed behind her before I remembered I’d wanted to talk to Rissim, He had left with her, of course, which meant I would have to wait until the next day before I could get another chance at him. I spent a long number of minutes cursing just loud enough for me to hear, then spent even more time trying to fall asleep.

The next morning I wasn’t awake long before Irin and one of the house servants showed up with breakfast, and when I was forced into trying to shout down her endless, cheering chatter, she refused to let me do it. She had decided to give me no chance to say anything at all in order to keep from getting into another argument with me, and very nearly got into an argument with me trying to stick to her decision. When she insisted that all she wanted to hear was whether or not I was going to eat breakfast, I lost my temper completely and told her what she might do with that breakfast. The serving woman gasped and turned red then hurried out of the room leaving Irin to work briefly at keeping herself from exploding before she turned and stomped out after her. Once the door was slammed closed I was all alone again, but I knew it wouldn’t be for long. As soon as Irin spoke to Rissim I’d have company, but not in the mood that would do me much good.

Rissim must have been out of the house, as I had enough time to dress and do some long-distance looking around before he showed up. I’d discovered that everyone in the house was shielded, and had been spending quite a while picking away at one or two of those shields when the door to my room was opened. I blinked away from what I was doing to see Rissim standing there and staring down at me, and his meaningful silence at least let me have the chance to speak first.

“Before you start lecturing me, I’d appreciate it if you would listen to me for a minute,” I told him, sitting up and folding one leg under me. “I’ve been trying since yesterday to tell Irin I found out what was wrong with me, but she refuses to stop talking long enough to hear it. Some of the conditioning they’d put me through was still affecting me, but I managed to neutralize it and now it’s all gone.”

“Indeed,” he said in much too neutral a way, folding his arms and leaning one broad shoulder against the door jamb. “I am to understand that what ailed you previously is now no more, and therefore should you be released from this punishment?”

“Well, you did say it was only a temporary measure,” I muttered, having no need to touch his mind to know he wasn’t believing a word I said. “You were absolutely right about how childish I was being, and if you’ll drop your shield you’ll be able to see for yourself that that’s all over with.”

“So, I am to release my shield and touch your mind, and then I will know the full truth of the matter,” he said, nodding slowly as he kept those eyes on me. “I am to put from my thoughts your ability to seize an unprotected mind, and seek the truth in the manner you suggest. You must forgive me should I appear skeptical, wenda, and also forgive my observation that there is another manner in which the truth might be learned.”

“What other way?” I asked with a sinking feeling, knowing beyond doubt that our conversation was not destined to turn out well. Rissim had already made up his mind about what he was going to do, and only had to explain it to me before he got on with it.

“To see truth, very often one need do no more than look about oneself,” he said, that horrible calm and patience sickeningly clear. “My girl child was told what was required of her, and also was she given punishment for offering insult to a parent, yet what did I discover this day upon my return to my house? I discovered that this selfsame child was no longer in the bed furs where she was to remain, she had once again refused nourishment, and had given her mother insult in the hearing of a servant. Now I am to believe that my child no longer suffers from what previously ailed her? I am to withhold additional punishment, for I have not been told what truly occurred? Speak to me, treda mine, and assure me that these things are not what they seem.”

“But they’re not!” I protested, trying to hold my voice steady as I got to my feet. “Yes, I argued with Irin, and yes I insulted her after refusing to eat, but I was provoked into doing all that! I really did find out what was wrong with me and fix it, but none of you will believe me! Do you know how frustrating it is when people won’t listen to you? I suppose I shouldn’t have lost my temper, but I’m not a child and I don’t do well being treated like one. You said you would treat me like an adult when I behaved like one, so I’m going to hold you to that. I stand as an adult before you, and now I want to be let out of here.”

“To speak of oneself as an adult is not to be that thing,” he came back, completely unconvinced. “At all times do one’s actions speak more clearly than one’s words, and what actions we have had from you are veritable shouts. I fear I must do my duty as I see it, and punish the disobedience of a child.”

“But that’s what I always act like,” I mumbled with that sinking feeling back as he unfolded his arms and leaned off the door jamb. This time I knew he would spank me harder, and I really didn’t want to experience that. I was trying desperately to decide if there was any place for me to run when he moved partway out of the doorway, giving me the chance to see beyond him, and for a moment I didn’t believe what I saw. Folded into an easy crouch not five feet from the door was Tammad, and as soon as my eyes touched him I found that he was also looking at me. For an instant my heart leaped as my lips parted and I began reaching a hand out to him, knowing that he would protect me and keep Rissim from doing what he intended, but then I was yanked back to the real world. Even if I hadn’t done what I had to Tammad, I still couldn’t have asked him to interfere, not when there

was nothing left for us to share. It simply wouldn’t have been fair, and the least I owed him was fairness. I closed my lips as my hand fell, then let my gaze do the same.

“On second thought, I undoubtedly deserve whatever you do to me,” I said to Rissim in an unliving voice as I stared down at the carpet fur. “And when you stop to think about it, it doesn’t even matter.”

My eyes closed all the way then, all the thoughts I had about Tammad trying to crowd at once into my mind. I’d never love anyone the way I loved him, but the reasons for our separating hadn’t changed at all. I’d rather die than hurt him, but if I stayed with him hurt was all he would be. Right then I really regretted the loss of that leftover conditioning, the mind sickness that had let me do what was necessary without once thinking about my feelings for him. I’d been able to blame him for everything he’d ever done to me without trying to understand any of it, the whole thing simply showing me more clearly how untrustworthy he was. Him, my beloved, untrustworthy. I turned blindly away from the door and hurried to a pile of cushions on the carpet fur, sinking down to wait there for what Rissim would do.

It wasn’t long before I heard my door being closed, and the faint sound of bare feet moving across the carpet fur. At that point I really didn’t care what happened to me, but when a big hand touched my hair gently I couldn’t keep from shivering. So many times it had been he who had touched me that way, but this time it wouldn’t be the same. I needed so desperately to be held that I wrapped my arms around myself, my eyes still closed tight against sight of the real world I had come to hate. I had no choice about being in that world but I did have a choice about looking at it, and then all the confusion I had thought resolved came rushing back. Two wide, powerful arms circled me to hold me to a broad, well-muscled chest, but the gesture wasn’t one of a father comforting his daughter, and the hum in the mind above my head confirmed that. Shocked, I began to struggle in protest, and only then did I realize who the hum belonged to.

“Yes, wenda, once again it is I,” Tammad said, looking down at me with those beautiful blue eyes while I gaped up at him in disbelief. “To rid oneself of a l’lenda is not quite as easily done as some apparently believe.”

Without even stopping to think about it I squirmed higher in his arms, threw my own arms around his neck, then kissed him with all the longing in the universe. I know it wasn’t right and certainly wasn’t fair, but I’d missed him so much and it was only a kiss. He contributed more than his own share to the meeting of our lips and souls, but when I felt the hum in his mind begin changing to a growl I gently pulled away.

“I’m sorry,” I said, touching his face with my fingertips as I drew away a little more. “I had no right doing that, but I-couldn’t seem to stop myself. And I’d also like to apologize for what I did to you yesterday. There was something wrong with me, and I didn’t care what I did to anyone as long as doing it accomplished what I wanted. The same thing still needs doing, but I can see to it without hurting or humiliating you.”

“You cannot be saying you mean to continue with this foolishness,” he stated, the look in his eyes beginning to harden. “Have you not just this moment proven that your love for me is as great as ever it was? Have you forgotten my vow that I will allow none to take my woman from me? Think you that vow precludes the doings of the woman herself?”

“It’s not foolishness, and keeping on with it is exactly what I intend,” I told him, deliberately ignoring everything else he’d said as I sat back down on the carpet fur. “I wasn’t lying when I said I’d rather not have you than take the chance of losing you, and you’ve got to understand that.”

“Wenda, how is it possible to understand such a thing?” he demanded, automatically moving his sword out of the way as he shifted to sitting cross-legged opposite me. “To give up a thing is to lose it, more quickly and more definitely than with an as-yet unrealized possibility which may or may not lie ahead! To commit an actual doing out of fear that a possible doing may occur, is the act of one who is likely age-addled!”

“Since you’re older than I am, if I were you I would watch who I called senile,” I retorted, almost wishing a talk between us wasn’t necessary. “I can’t help it if you don’t follow simple logic, but I would prefer if you did understand. Look, it’s really easy: if I give you up now it’s all over and done with, nothing left to spend my life dreading, nothing to lie awake nights worrying about. Knowing it’s all over with hurts, but not as much as sitting around waiting for it to happen. Do you understand now?”

“In no manner,” he said very positively, still looking at me as if I were crazy, and then he sighed. “Clearly is this a view seen only by those who are wendaa, a landscape forbidden to the sight of men. As I am unable to find understanding in your words, hama, perhaps you will have greater success with mine. You fear that one day a facet of the demands of honor will cause me to turn from you, and I say that such a consideration shows only that you have not yet grasped the place where the heart of honor lies.”

I parted my lips to tell him that wasn’t so, that I knew more of honor than I wanted to, but he shook his head to silence me and took my hand in both of his.

“Most certainly is it true that the demands of honor are undeniable to one who is bound to them,” he said, his expression sober and calm, his eyes looking into mine. “Honor is—a thing of fitness, a thing of right, a manner of being which allows one to see what must be done so that the weak may find happiness as easily as the strong. It is these and many other things-yet is it above all fitting. For a man to give his life to honor would be fitting-yet not so were he to give the life or happiness of one who feels love for him. Such would be a great dishonor, to feed one’s pride with another’s pain. That one is most honorable who knows and acknowledges the limits of honor. ”

“I-don’t think I understand what you’re saying either,” I admitted when he fell silent, obviously giving me a chance to comment. “All I know is that I thought I’d lost you, and I didn’t want to live any more. But that isn’t the only side of this, or even the most important. You can’t say you’ve forgotten what I did to you yesterday, and I can’t say I won’t ever do it again. I don’t want to ever do it again, but that doesn’t mean I won’t. If you think I’ll hang around waiting until the next time I end up making you feel like a fool, you’re the one who’s senile.”

“But that, too, is a problem with its solution,” he said, grinning faintly as he stroked one of his hands just a little higher up my arm. “When I was able to know I had been taken a second time, I gave over the foolishness of believing I might best a blood-mad fazee with my hands alone, and sought out the aid of the Murdock McKenzie. He it was who sent me the man Lamdon, and with that one’s assistance was I able to fashion the thing I required. When I came upon Rissim early this day, instructing the young in the use of a sword, I informed him of my intention to approach you yet again, and he asked the favor that I await the time he might accompany me. For that reason was I there, where you saw me, allowing him the opportunity of speaking first with you. Now would I have you attempt to make my thoughts yours again. ”

“But I really don’t want to,” I told him, paying only partial attention to what was being said. His fingers stroking my arm had riveted the major portion of my attention to him, so much so that I just had to use my free hand to touch his own arm. So tanned and warm it was, so hard and yet so delicious to feel, so much a part of him . . .

“And yet you must,” he insisted mildly, the strength in his fingers now gently kneading my flesh. “How else are we to know whether my precautions are adequate? Strike swiftly and with skill, and then shall we know.”

“Swiftly and with skill,” I repeated as his hand made its way up to my shoulder, then I swallowed and muttered a what—the-hell. If he wanted me to do it again, then I would do it again, and maybe there would be something afterward I would have to order him to forget. I began to approach his mind, not as ruthlessly as I had the other times but well enough—and then I pulled back in surprise. Instead of the cloud of calm he had always used as a shield there was suddenly an actual shield, but not like mine or Rissim’s or Irin’s. Tammad had learned to generate a shifting diagonal shield like Farian’s, but its rate of motion was so much faster it was nearly a blur.

“Now do you see the fruits of my efforts,” he murmured, circling me with one arm to draw me close to him again. “You may not touch me should I disallow it, no matter the greater strength of your mind.”

“But that doesn’t mean anything,” I protested weakly, trying to -get him to stop kissing me in between words.

“You can’t stay shielded forever, and once you release the shield you’re vulnerable again. And what if I solve your shield, the way I did with Farian’s?”

“Your time must be taken up with other things, so that you have none to spend on worrying and solvings,” he said, putting me to the carpeting before sending his hands to my clothing. “It has been far too long since last we shared our love, hama, and no longer am I able to keep my hands from you. I will see you well occupied, my beloved, and so well loved that never again will you doubt the wisdom of our sharing each other’s lives. You are mine, and never will I release you.”

My clothes were gone so fast I barely saw them go, and no more than an instant later his swordbelt and haddin were down with the rest. It was so mindlessly wonderful to be held and loved by him again, so achingly good to touch him all over, but along with the pleasure there also came something I hadn’t wanted and certainly hadn’t been looking for. By the time we had satisfied ourselves physically I was mentally at a new low, and not only because Tammad had proven one of my points for me. His excitement had been too high to let him keep his new shield in place very long, and he had ended as deeply inside my mind as he was in my body. Something very definitely had to be done, so I sighed and got started.

When we walked into the kitchens Irin was there with a number of the house women, but Tammad didn’t even glance at them. He went immediately to one corner of the room and began rummaging around, having no idea how many people were staring at him. Everyone was puzzled but then Irin got it, and a moment later she was over staring at me instead.

“How could you do that to him again?” she demanded, more upset than angry. “He loves you, and look what you’re making him do!”

“He said he wanted me to try again,” I evaded, trying to gather my courage, then said to hell with it and simply plunged in. “Irin—I’d like to apologize for what I said to you this morning. I shouldn’t have lost my temper with someone who was just trying to help—and certainly not when that someone was you. I’m really not quite that bad, at least not any more.”

She stared at me intently for a minute, trying to decide if I were lying, most likely, and then she realized that with Tammad under my control I had no reason to lie and could simply have left without saying a word. Her face softened and she came closer to hug me, and after I’d hugged her back she used one hand to smooth my hair.

“You don’t have to apologize to me, not with the way I was treating you,” she said, a lot of relief along with the amusement she showed. “If anyone had treated me like that, I probably would have thrown plates instead of insults. But I don’t understand what’s going on. Your father told me you and Tammad were back together again, just the way he’d hoped you would be. Why are you controlling him again?”

“To make a point and because I have a problem,” I answered glumly, letting pass what shed told me about Rissim’s plans. He’d pretended he was going to spank me, trying to force me to run to Tammad for protection, but it hadn’t worked out quite the way he’d wanted. “Irin, Tammad says he’ll never let me go, but a little while ago I realized why I’ve been so convinced that Tammad and I are through. With all the confusion and such cleared away I can recognize the feeling I have, a kind of feeling I’ve had before. It tells me I’ll never belong to him, and every time so far that feeling’s been right. I have to tell him it’s over between us no matter how hard he tries to fight it, but I don’t know how to make him believe me. Do you have any ideas?”

“You have a ‘feeling’?” she asked, frowning at me but not in disbelief. Shed let her shield dissolve, and her mind was also trying to stare at mine. “I don’t like the sound of that, and I think wed all better sit down and talk about it. Is this feeling the same thing you called a conviction when you spoke to the searchers last night?”

I nodded as she called one of the women over and sent her to get Rissim, then we waited until he showed up. Tammad kept busy searching the kitchen methodically, and Irin almost choked when she asked what he was looking for and I told her. The mighty l’lenda was looking for the shield that was going to protect him from me which he knew was hidden somewhere in the room, and he was determined to find it. She shook her head at me in forced disapproval, trying to swallow down laughter from inside, and made sure not to mention the point to Rissim.

Once he was there and had been told what was going on, I was able to release Tammad. After the couple of minutes necessary for his head to clear it was Rissim I had to hide behind, but the older l’lenda was able to calm the younger, and then we all went to a small, pleasant room to talk.

“I see no call for discussing a matter which need not even be considered,” Tammad growled when we were all seated among the cushions, his new shield tight around his mind. “The woman merely seeks to justify the stand she has taken, for stubbornness brings her naught when offered to me.”

“Tammad, we do have to discuss it,” lrin said with commiseration plain on her face, knowing he couldn’t get it from her mind. “Terry isn’t trying to be stubborn, she’s being told something, the same sort of something Murdock was told when he took her from us. Precognition seems to be a family trait, and she’s inherited it.”

“To refuse to give ear to a warning is not the doing of a brave man,” Rissim said, seeing along with the rest of us the way Tammad’s jaw set. “Instead is it the doing of a fool, for with sufficient warning a man may take victory from the grasp of his enemies. Tell us again of what has come to you, daughter.”

“I just suddenly knew I would never belong to him,” I answered, looking at Rissim rather than at the man I spoke about. “I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter whether or not I want it to be like that, it will happen anyway. Trying to talk me out of believing it won’t do any good, no more than forcing me to ignore it. We’ve already tried those things, and they didn’t work.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tammad straighten where he sat, remembering in spite of himself the previous warnings I’d tried to give him. I’d asked to be taught how to use a sword and he’d laughed at me, but he hadn’t had any laughter left when I lost him to Roodar because I couldn’t use a sword. I’d asked not to be taken to Vediaster and especially not into the palace, and he’d ignored me-causing us all to be captured and enslaved. His anger backed. down a little, letting him join us in talking about the problem, but we talked for the rest of the day without finding any answers we could all live with.

We could have continued talking about it the next day, but the next day we all left to attack the complex on New Dawn.