The Warrior Victorious

12

“Why does she look so pale?” the woman suddenly demanded, taking a step forward. “What have you all done to her? And why does she think she has to shield here, back where she belongs? Damn you, Murdock, if you’ve made things even worse-!”

“Calm yourself, Irindel,” Murdock said from where I couldn’t see him, his voice filled with its usual diplomatic smoothness. “Your daughter has been through a trying experience, but felt she needed to relate the episode for our benefit. She would likely have been wiser resting first, but seems to have inherited a good deal of your disposition. ”

“Then perhaps one of greater wisdom should have seen to deciding the matter in her stead,” the man beside the woman Irin said in Centran while she looked indignant, his steady blue gaze now resting beyond me, most likely on Murdock. “One must be in full possession of one’s wits to see the necessary; should the situation be otherwise, those about that one must show sufficient concern to give assistance.”

“With all the experience you’ve had with Irin, Rissim, that’s easy for you to say,” Ashton put in, sounding much too amused for a situation like that. “One of the reasons your daughter tends to shield most of the time is because of the strength of her mind. If you combine that with Irin’s stubborness you get someone who isn’t that easily ‘assisted,’ no matter how concerned those around her are. You two may find yourselves glad she’s been gone all these years.”

“How dare you say something like that!” the woman Irin growled, her hands closed to fists as her furious gaze found her sister. “There’s nothing that will ever make me glad my child was stolen from me, nothing! I’ll make you regret that twisted sense of humor of yours, Asha, you wait and see if I don’t!”

“Surely, Irindel, there will be better, more appropriate times for recriminations,” Murdock said before Ashton could come back with an answer likely to continue the argument. “I, however, would consider it the perfect time for introducing yourself to your daughter, and in turn having her introduced to you. My study is just down the hall; why not use it before returning to your own house?”

Suddenly the woman’s eyes were back to me, and none of her previous anger was anywhere to be seen. As a matter of fact she looked more like I felt: completely at a loss with nothing of any sense or importance ready to be said. We stared at each other in silence for what felt like hours, neither of us apparently able to start taking Murdock up on his offer, and the double hesitation proved to be too much for Ashton.

“For pity’s sake, do you two intend playing statue for the rest of your lives?” she demanded, the words accompanied by the sound of rising. “Since you’re both incapable of taking a hint, let me put it another way: how about moving the reunion into the next room so the rest of us can get back to a conversation with words?”

She must have known her suggestion would do no more good than Murdock’s had, and wasn’t about to wait around to see it happen. Without warning her hand was suddenly on my arm, and before I knew it the cup of kimla was gone and I was on my feet. The next few minutes were very confusing in that Ashton took charge of me and Rissim began navigating Irindel, both efforts ending us all up in a small room a short distance away from the first. To this day I can’t call up a memory from then of how the room was furnished, but at the time it took me no more than seconds to notice that Ashton disappeared immediately without another word. That left just three of us in the room, and at least one of the three decided she probably would have been smarter staying right where she’d originally been.

“Perhaps it would be best, girl, if it were you who spoke first,” Rissim said after a moment, his deep voice very gentle. “It was, after all, we who allowed you to be taken from us, we who permitted the severing of your proper blood ties. Should you wish to voice anger at so vile a doing, the right is surely yours.”

I had been standing around on the carpet fur trying to find something to look at, but what Rissim said made me stop and think. How did I feel about it all, and if I didn’t really , believe these strangers were my parents, why couldn’t I look at them?

“I don’t yet feel any anger,” I said after a pause of my own, forcing my eyes back to where the two people stood. “I may decide it’s appropriate if I can ever get myself to believe all this on an emotional level, but right now I’m too confused and upset to believe in anything beyond daylight and dark. And if you want to be realistic about it, Ashton made a point that shouldn’t simply be dismissed. You’ve been looking forward to regaining a member of your family, but how do you know you’ll like the woman she’s become?”

It took quite a lot for me to get that question out, and while I was under a double light-eyed stare at that. There was no way to ever really know if what I’d missed would have been better and more satisfying for me than what I’d had, and that part of it was gone into the irretrievable past. My point was much more relevant to the time we stood in, and was the one causing most of my upset. At first I saw nothing but two people staring at me, no true expression on either face, and then I realized how wrong I was. Quiet tears were running down Irin’s cheeks, and the light of a very warm smile showed in Rissim’s eyes.

“Were the question of liking truly at issue, we would now have our answer,” Rissim said, the arm he had around his woman gently tightening as the smile spread to his face. “Our love shall always be for the child produced by a union of that love, yet liking, never so easily accomplished, is now the belonging of one who first considers our feelings in the matter. In no manner might a daughter such as that be unacceptable. ”

He seemed to be telling the truth, but the answer he’d given wasn’t really the one Iii been looking for. I hadn’t asked my question to impress anyone, just to find out something I needed to know, and then it carne to me that lowering my shield might be the way to get it. Most of the time it’s a good deal easier not knowing what others really think of you, but that time I wanted the truth even if it hurt. If all that turned out to be reality rather than a disturbing dream, the truth was something I had to have.

But the condition of my mind wasn’t something to be inflicted on those around me, most especially not without warning. Instead of simply dropping my shield I replaced it with my curtain—and the next instant was nearly bowled over. Reaching through the curtain showed that Rissim had been telling the truth as he saw it, the vast calm of his mind confirming his words, but Irin-! She wasn’t simply feeling agreement she was aching with it, her fiercely burning sense of pride nearly drowning in a flood of loss and guilt. Those reactions immediately made me think she couldn’t be trusted, a pointless, mindless thought I thrust away without knowing where it came from, and then I was able to understand why she felt as she did.

I hadn’t been told the truth until a few days earlier, but she had lived with it for all the years of my life.

No matter how good the reason, she had allowed her child to be taken from her, to be raised by hated strangers and never told who her real people were.

If her child hated her for it, or worse, simply had no interest in knowing her, there was nothing she would ever be able to do about it. It would come close to killing her, but could never, ever be changed.

I stood there feeling what she felt, understanding her more completely than I had ever done with anyone, realizing almost at once that she didn’t know our minds touched. Hers was bright and sharp, not possessing the strength of mine but one of the strongest I’d ever encountered, a loving, self-confident, normally self-satisfied mind that now quaked with terror. The fear I’d felt over not being liked was nothing when compared to her fear of the same thing, a nightmare shed lived with for so many long, empty years. The passing time had done very little to mar her prettiness, which meant I didn’t feel quite so strange when I opened my mind and my arms to her. She was, of course, the elder between us, but she was the one who needed a child’s comforting. She sobbed once before rushing to me, and then it was hard to tell whether there was more laughing or crying going on.

It didn’t take long before Rissim joined in the hugging with laughter of his own, and before I knew it reality retreated even farther away than it had been before. It felt so right to be where I was, exchanging hugs with a woman I’d never seen before, the two of us being hugged by a man I didn’t know, all of us touching minds so completely and freely that wed never be strangers again. That was the way it happened in dreams, with laughter and no sense of worry; something bothered me about that, but it was the only way I could take it.

The strongest emotions are too draining to sustain for very long, so it wasn’t more than a few minutes before we all took deep breaths and moved back just a little to look at one another. There’s nothing of intrusion involved in really looking at your own, most especially in a dream. Irin had settled into a glowing smile, and after shed taken a breath she shook her head.

“Asha may have the worst sense of humor I’ve ever come across, but I can see she wasn’t lying,” I was told, a hand coming to smooth one side of my hair back. “Your mind does have more strength than we’ve yet encountered, daughter mine, and for the first time in my life I feel like bragging and strutting. Not only do I finally have my firstborn back, and not only is she filled with more compassion than I’d dared hope for, but she also comes back as an excitingly wonderful example. Do you believe most of the people in this valley think our talents have already been developed as far as they can go?”

“If that’s true, they may not like finding out they’re wrong,” I answered, feeling odd and almost comfortable. “People usually don’t enjoy having their beliefs torn away. ”

“You don’t understand,” she said with a laugh, putting her hand to my arm. “It isn’t satisfied conviction your presence will disrupt, it’s glum resignation. No one was happy believing wed stretched to the end, but without anything concrete to give us hope all we could do was accept the conclusion. Now we can accept the truth instead, and as soon as we put paid to the sick plans of Rathmore Hellman and his group, we can throw a celebration feast like you’ve never seen. After that we’ll get to work.”

“Perhaps not all those in our valley will wish to begin a similar striving,” Rissim said, looking me over with an odd bent to his thoughts, his arms folded easily across his chest. “Our firstborn is truly sarella wenda, Irin, and many will be the l’lendaa and varindaa who come seeking my approval. I shall listen to each with courtesy and patience—and shall see more directly to those who attempt to approach her rather than he who is her father. The old ways have not died among us here, nor shall they the while I remain among the living.”

“Oh, Rissim, no one will try to steal her from you, not with your reputation as a l’lenda,” Irin said with a laugh while I blinked at the big man who stood beside her. “They’ll all come to the front door, not try to sneak in through the back, and in any event our little girl is not what I would consider helpless.”

She was still grinning when she turned away from him, then laughed again at whatever my expression was like. I hadn’t realized how-protected-it would feel to have a Rimilian father, and I wasn’t sure I liked it. It’s really terrible to be all alone and know there’s no one there to help you but yourself, but after you do it for awhile you sort of begin getting used to it. I could see from Rissim’s mind he expected me to get unused to it as fast as possible, and like most Rimilian men wasn’t prepared to take no for an answer.

“Now, Terry, don’t let your father’s overprotectiveness bother you,” Irin said as she patted my hand, amusement still clear in her mind. “You’re the only daughter I’ve managed to give him, and although men enjoy having sons they can share manhood with, there’s always a small part of them that yearns for a daughter to protect. He only sounds as though he means to chase the l’lendaa and varindaa away. He won’t really do it.”

“What are varindaa?” I asked, mainly to cover the fact that I couldn’t think of anything else. Rissim was grinning at me faintly, his mind practically purring, his satisfied thoughts saying more plainly than words that he’d be the one to decide what he did and didn’t do.

“Varindaa are mind warriors,” Irin answered, a lot of pride behind the explanation. “They’ve not only learned the use of a sword, they’ve also mastered the ability to fight with their minds. It’s dishonorable for any of them to accept a challenge from someone who isn’t a varinda, so they never do. Your father is a l’lenda, but all your brothers are varindaa. ”

“Which will be of additional aid in seeing properly to my daughter and their sister,” Rissim said with even more satisfaction while I felt the word “brothers” echo in my head. I’d used the word many times before, but it had never felt quite so-strange.

“A number of them will be extremely pleased to find they now have a sister,” Rissim continued, his mind chuckling. “They have noted that those with sisters are often in the company of wendaa it was not necessary to go seeking, for wendaa come to visit those sisters. They will likely be less willing to accept suitors than I, for they will not care to be deprived of your presence too quickly. ”

“Rissim, give the child a chance to breathe before you pair her or don’t pair her with a suitor,” Irin said with another laugh, her eyes shining. “I for one would like to get to know her first, before she’s carried off to . . .”

“I must ask your pardon for this intrusion, yet does honor demand that I speak,” a voice said suddenly in Rimilian, a voice I unfortunately had no trouble recognizing. “The woman may not be granted to another, for she has not been freed of my bands. This man who stands beside me is my chosen brother, and has come to assure you of the truth voiced by one who is a stranger to you. ”

“A stranger who intrudes uninvited in family matters,” Rissim answered with a frown, looking at the two men who had entered the room behind me. “Should it be truth that my daughter has been banded by you, for what reason does she fail to even turn and look upon you? If your bands are truly upon her, perhaps they should not be. ”

“Rissim, look, she’s shielding again,” lrin said as her arms went around me, the glow of happiness gone from her face. “There’s something wrong, and you have to find out what it is. I don’t care how dishonorable it is to keep a woman from the man who banded her, I won’t stand by watching while you give her to him!”

“Hama, calm yourself,” Rissim said while Irin held me tightly to her, her thoughts having turned downright feral. I wasn’t shielded, I was curtained, and because of that knew the woman who held me close would not let me be taken from her without a fight. She had let me go once against her better judgment, and wasn’t about to do it again. I put my own arms around her, knowing she needed the reassurance a good deal more than I did.

“Irin, I, too, am able to see that this l’lenda believes he speaks the truth,” Rissim went on, taking one step forward to put Irin and me somewhat behind him. “I, however, will first have answers to my queries before any decision is made as to what course of action is most honorable. For what reason does our daughter refuse acknowledgment of your very presence, l’lenda? For what reason has she withdrawn even her thoughts from you?”

“My brother is no more able to fathom the reason for such behavior than am I,” answered a second voice, one I knew as well as the first. “I am Dallan, drin of Gerleth, and my chosen brother here beside me is Tammad, denday of a great city of the plains, and he who speaks first among those of the Circle of Might. The wenda and I are helid, so close have we grown through the trials we have faced, yet am I at a loss to explain my chosen sister’s actions. It was for Tammad’s sake that Terril bested Vediaster’s Hand of Power and faced the Chama Farian, she who had made Tammad’s capture possible. Solely was her concern for him, and mightily did she strive till his freedom was assured, yet now—”

“Perhaps it is as the Murdock McKenzie has said,” the first voice put in, sounding the least bit forlorn. “Her love for me was great, I know, as great as mine for her, and for that reason did the enemy find it necessary to bury the memory of me more deeply than the rest. Certainly in time I shall be recalled by her, yet in too long a time many things may occur. Best would be that I remain beside her, to aid in her recollection.”

“Best?” I interrupted, finally turning to look at the big Rimilian without letting go of Irin. “Who is that supposed to be best for? I’ve already told you that I don’t know you and don’t want to know you, so why don’t you go back to where you come from? No one has a claim on me, not anyone, and if necessary I’m willing to argue the point. I’ve had enough of being hurt by men; from now on if there’s any hurting to be done, I’m the one who’ll do it.”

Dallan and the one called Tammad just stood there staring down at me, Dallan’s mind whirling with the mix of many emotions, his friend struggling with confusion and anger and loss. It was very clear Dallan had understood every word I’d said even though I’d spoken in Centran, and that told me where he and the others had been during the time Ashton and I had been getting to the valley. Dallan and Hestin had been given the Centran language, and Garth had probably been getting Rimilian, which meant the valley and its furnishings weren’t as primitive as they looked from the outside.

“The healer Hestin tells us Terril continues to be in pain,” Dallan said after an awkward moment, putting one hand to his friend’s shoulder. “I cannot believe Terril would truly harm Tammad even should she recall less than naught of him, yet might it be best were she allowed a time to rest herself. Those who feel pain often strike out with the same, and it would be foolish to provoke an incident. Perhaps we may speak again later.”

“A wise suggestion,” Rissim agreed, his frown filled with quite a lot of sympathy for the other big blond barbarian who simply stood in silence and stared at me. Even a null would have felt the longing in the man’s mind, but I wasn’t reacting in the same way. Some people deserved to lose things and never get them back, and something told me the man called Tammad was one of those.

Irin and I waited near Murdocks front door while Rissim got my clothes pouches, and then my new-found family took me home. Their house wasn’t far from Murdock’s but must have been four times the size, all of it spreading wide and easy from the central hallway, left, right, and straight ahead. There were a number of women in the house but no men, and although I expected to be introduced, lrin refused to stop for the amenities. What Dallan had said about my being in pain had upset her, and she lost no time in getting me to a room toward the back of the house. It was a pleasant room with yellow and silver curtains on the windows, yellow and silver cushions on the dark brown floor fur, and yellow and silver silks on the dark pile of bed furs. Just looking at it made me feel comfortable and at home, and when lrin closed the door behind us she immediately pointed to the bed furs.

“That’s where I want you as fast as possible, young lady, and then we’ll take a closer look at you,” she said, her frown in no way aimed at me. “The next time I talk to Murdock, he’s going to wish he had no ears! Would it have killed him to tell us right away that you were in pain? Did the imbecile have to wait until we heard it as a comment from a stranger? At the very least, we could have been sitting down while we talked! Do you need help getting out of your clothes?”

“I’m mostly just tired,” I answered with a smile for her outrage, walking over to the bed furs to sit down on them. “You have to ignore Dallan and his fussing, or at least not take it very seriously. He’s seen me in a really bad way a few times, so now he looks at me and immediately assumes the worst. After I’ve rested for a while I’ll be just fine.”

“You certainly will, because I’ll be here to see to it,” she said in a no-arguments tone of voice, her hands on her hips while she studied me. “If Iii known you were here on this world, having trouble, I would have- Well, let’s just say there would have been a lot less trouble. Will you open your mind to me again?”

I shrugged and banished my curtain, then lay back on the bed furs when Irin came closer and gestured me into doing it. She sat down beside me and put a hand on my forehead, smiling with a warmth that burned steadily inside her. As close as we were I could see the small lines on her face that said she wasn’t a girl any longer, that she wasn’t really as close to me in age as a more distant estimate might suggest. I very much wanted to get to know her, and then one day I might even be able to believe . . .

Her strong, bright mind reached toward mine, and then I was aware of losing aches and twinges I hadn’t even known I was feeling. It was the first time someone else had used pain control on me, and wasn’t anything like the way it had felt when I’d used it on myself. Very briefly I wondered why I hadn’t used it on myself again, and then the question faded away behind the soothing influx of someone else’s strength, letting me close my eyes and relax.

“Don’t fall asleep yet,” lrin said after a minute, taking her hand away as her mind separated from mine. “If I know your father, he’s right now in the middle of having a meal put together for you, so you might as well wait and get it eaten before settling down to rest. He would have been happy to see you no matter what you looked like, but he’ll be even happier once you aren’t quite so thin. ”

“A typical Rimilian-male outlook,” I said as I muffled a yawn, feeling very comfortable. “They’re so big themselves, they want to make sure the women around them have enough size and strength to accommodate them without falling apart. Please tell him thanks anyway, but he doesn’t have to bother. I ate in Vediaster, so I won’t be hungry for a while.”

“Terry, I feel something-odd-in your mind,” she said, the hesitance in her voice drawing my eyes to the faint worry on her face. “When you spoke just now, there was a-strange sort of satisfaction inside you, almost like a gloating. You know enough about Rimilia to know this is Rissim’s house where he has the final say on most matters, but you don’t have any intentions of going along with that say. Without bearing him any ill will you’re just going to refuse to obey him, and I’m willing to bet it’s that that’s bringing you the satisfaction. The fact that you can refuse and make it stick. I don’t understand why you feel that way—or am I misinterpreting what I’m getting?”

“You’re not misinterpreting,” I answered, right then consciously aware of the satisfaction she’d mentioned. “Irin, I spent quite a lot of time on this world, and there was hardly a minute of it when I wasn’t feeling like a victim. All the men I encountered forced me to do things their way, all the men, but now I no longer have to. I don’t have to dress a particular way, I don’t have to please them to keep from getting punished, I don’t have to eat what I’m given to keep from being force-fed, none of it! If any of them tries to force himself on me I’ll take his mind apart and put it back together again inside out, damn me if I don’t! I won’t ever be a victim again, no matter who tries to make it happen!”

I was startled when I suddenly found myself being held tight by two slender arms, the voice belonging to those arms making comforting, meaningless noises. I hadn’t realized I’d sat up on the bed furs, I hadn’t realized sights of other places and times had risen in front of my eyes, and I hadn’t realized I was trembling. I was feeling more confused than I had in a very long while, but one thing I wasn’t confused about: what I’d told Irin had been the truth. When you let other people be in control of you you regretted it, one way or the other, but always. When you reach a limit on the amount of pain you can accept you either break or start to fight back, and I wasn’t about to break.

Irin’s mind soothed mine as well, and before I knew it I fell asleep. When I woke again it was full dark, Irin was lighting one of the candles on the wall in my room, and I actually felt rested enough to get up and start doing things. The pouches with my clothes had been brought to the room, so the first thing I did was strip, wash in the room’s basin, then dress again in clothes that hadn’t been slept in. What was left of the marks on my back bothered Irin, but not so much that she wasted a lot of time making furious and disapproving noises. The evening meal was ready and waiting for us, and disapproval could be voiced at another time.

Food wasn’t the only thing waiting for us, something I found out as soon as we entered the paneled, pillowed, and carpet-furred room. Trays held pitchers of drishnak and a lighter wine, and various dishes were all ready to begin making the rounds as soon as Irin and I could get started. The others they were going to be making the rounds among were Rissim and his sons, some of whom had women of their own. It was then that I learned I had eight brothers, the oldest of whom was less than a year younger than me. Helliar was a varinda, as his name showed, and his hug of greeting was a signal for a general rush from everyone else. After that it was impossible separating one from the other even though some were dark-haired like me and Irin, and some were blond like Rissim. All of them were big, without doubt l’lenda size, and all of them were delightfully crazy-as denizens of a happy dream should be.

By the time the meal was over, there were a lot of plates which had been emptied during unending conversation and laughter. Helliar’s woman Keffa had asked me where I’d gotten the beautiful rose and pale gold outfit I had on, and that meant I’d had to tell them I was Chama of Vediaster. The revelation brought out delight and curiosity alike, and before I knew it I was telling the story of how I’d become something I’d never wanted to be. Just about every mind there was Prime quality or very close to it, so my story spread out into a general discussion of mind strength which continued until Rissim finished the last of his drishnak, then rose to his feet.

“I dislike the need for interrupting so pleasant a time, yet have I just been informed of the arrival of those who asked if they might speak with Terril,” he said, looking at all of us fondly. “Those who plan our attack against the enemy are eager to learn what they might of the inner defenses of the places we must enter. Should you be too wearied to speak with them, child, they may be asked to return at another time.”

“No, it’s all right, I don’t mind talking to them,” I said, sharing the general air of disappointment that our get-acquainted conversation had to end, but also sharing the eagerness in the minds around me to face our enemy. Once they were defeated the valley could stop being a secret, empaths could stop living half lives—and no more of us would be in danger of being kidnapped and bred like farm animals. I wanted to get to the end of planning and the beginning of attacking, and every one of my newfound family agreed with me.

Before going with Rissim I said good night to my two youngest brothers, who were about to leave for their room. In the midst of all the confusion of meeting so many new people I wasn’t sure how old they were, but the elder of the two was already as tall as I and the younger almost the same, even though neither of them were young men yet. They were only boys, mere children, but their minds were bright and warm and loving, fiercely glad to welcome me to the family and fiercely determined to see to my future protection. They gave me careful good-night hugs to be certain they didn’t hurt me with their already considerable strength, then calmly took themselves off to bed after kissing their parents, quietly discussing their hopes that the attack would wait a little while longer so they would be old enough to join in. They both wore haddinn and sword belts like their father and brothers, and although their swords weren’t full l’lenda size, they were already good with the weapons.

I was so wrapped up in deep, pleasant thoughts that I followed Rissim through the house without paying much attention to where we were going. I’d never known anything could be as good as that meal Iii just been a part of, the full and complete sharing of people who were just like me, knew me for what I was, and still very much wanted me to be one of them. I wondered briefly what it would have been like actually growing up in that atmosphere of love and caring and sharing, and suddenly felt very cheated. I hadn’t been allowed to stay with my own, had been forced instead to spend my time among cold, crippled strangers, but it wasn’t Irin and Rissim’s fault and it wasn’t Murdock McKenzie’s. It was the fault of those people we had to face and defeat, those filthy animals who had made my exile necessary.

“I hope that expression isn’t meant for one of us,” a voice said suddenly, bringing me out of the dark red cloud that had come into being around me. “All we came for was to ask a few questions, but we didn’t intend asking them with swords. Are we going to have to defend ourselves?”

I looked up in surprise at seeing Garth, realized his question had only been half-joking, then glanced around at the weapons-hung meeting room Rissim and I had entered. Six or seven men stood on the far side of it with Rissim, five of them studying me with one degree or another of concern. I understood then that I hadn’t shielded or curtained my mind in hours, and what I’d been feeling toward the people on New Dawn must have been painful for those who could feel it. As a matter of fact there was a light sheen of sweat on Garth’s forehead, which probably meant I’d gotten through to the untalented as well. I could see there was still a lot I had to learn about controlling myself, and if I didn’t learn fast I’d end up as cut off from the people around me as I would be unawakened.

“Gentlemen, I’m sorry,” I said quickly, trying to make them know I really meant it. “I’ve grown too used to having no one but myself able to feel my emotions, the results of living my life behind a curtain. Please let me be the one to shield, at least until I learn to pay attention to what I’m projecting.”

“No, wenda, such shielding would be neither pleasant nor necessary,” one of the group around Rissim said, a faint smile on his face as he held up one hand. “We are none of us harmed by the magnificent strength of your mind, and anger shared is anger eased. We ask only that you take a moment to compose yourself, and then we may begin our discussion.”

The blond man, wearing a long robe over his haddin and no swordbelt, bowed toward me before turning to the men with him, and beside me Garth shook his head.

“The magnificent strength of your mind,” he repeated, his smile on the wry side. “If even I felt it, magnificent is too pale a word. I hope you know how much I appreciate your having spared me that until now.”

“Not as much as you’ll appreciate being spared from now on,” I came back, looking up into his gray eyes. “If I don’t learn to watch myself, I’ll deserve being locked up alone in my head. I see you had no trouble understanding what the man said in Rimilian, so you were given the language. The only thing I don’t understand is what you’re doing here.”

“I’m here as a member of the attack-planning team,” he said, faint surprise in his mind. “As soon as they found out I was Tammad’s intended tactician, they drafted me for their own effort. Didn’t you hear me when I told you that earlier?”

“I suppose I heard it, but too much has happened in between for me to have remembered,” I answered, taking a deep breath. “I’m trying to believe them, Garth, I’m really trying to believe I belong here, but sometimes I feel like I’m digging under a wall that extends down into the ground. If I keep digging I might find the bottom, but I also might find nothing but more wall.”

“Don’t be afraid to believe, Terry,” he said, the sober words soft as he put a hand on my arm. “I know how much hurt there is in believing the wrong thing, but there are times when you have to trust your instincts and take the risk. I knew I belonged on this world as soon as I got here, and now you have the chance of finding out the same thing. Just remember who told you that first, way back at the beginning.”

His faint smile was warm and friendly, but remembering when he and Len had tried to get me to commit myself to the Rimilian cause didn’t make me feel the way he did. It made me feel strangely-empty instead, which meant it was time for a change of subject.

“Well, I’m ready to get started,” I said, looking around toward where the others stood. “Anybody else in the mood to discuss our enemy?”

The immediate agreement I got showed just how much in the mood they were, so we all sat down on the floor fur with cushions handy, getting comfortable before getting down to it. I saw Rissim where he stood to one side of the room, his arms folded and his mind concerned despite the firm hold he had on his emotions, and was surprised that he wasn’t joining us. It almost seemed as though he were standing guard against something while the rest of us worked, but what he might be guarding against I couldn’t imagine.

The man who had first spoken to me was Lamdon, and he was the one who chaired—or floored—the discussion. He questioned me about the complex, and saw to it that the others took turns with the questions they had instead of all talking at once and drowning each other out. Those men were avid for anything and everything I could tell them, knowing that each bit of information put them closer to the doing and farther from the waiting. They’d waited long enough, and now they wanted to do.

“And the guards, you say, were unarmed,” Garth recapped when it was his turn, his expression all frown, his mind not far different. “How can they be considered guards, if they don’t even have so much as a calm-down spreader? Or could they have been carrying spreaders without your knowing it? Do you know what a spreader looks like?”

“I would venture to say they indeed carried naught,” Lamdon put in before I could admit I wouldn’t have known a spreader if it had been dropped in my lap. “You must recall, friend Garth, that those who must most be guarded against are within rather than without, and those within may not be allowed close proximity to weapons. With sufficient mind strength one may gain such a weapon for oneself, a happening those of the complex would scarcely be eager to allow. The wenda has told us that those without the dwellings bore weapons, while those within did not. From this we must allow for the possibility of hidden weapons within, weapons which would quell an outbreak of strength, yet do naught of permanent harm to those they touched. Does this seem likely to you?”

“Very likely,” Garth answered, nodding slowly as his mind worked furiously. “Within those parameters there are only a small number of devices they might possibly have in use, and they’re not hard to guard against if you know they’re there. We’ll have to take precautions just in case they also have actual weapons, but crash teams going in first should be able to handle the possibility. We neutralize the outer defenses, hold the entrances while the crash teams go in and knock out their central monitoring stations, then we take the place down one section at a time. Those inside guards have to be specialists in hand-to-hand, they’d be useless decorations if they weren’t, so wed better make sure we don’t forget the point.”

“I think they are better than average with their hands,” I put in, fascinated with the way everyone spoke the language he felt most comfortable with, then listened in whatever language was being spoken to him. “One of their nulls made a comment about not being afraid of what Kel-Ten might do to him with his hands, saying there would be nothing he could do. Kel-Ten is too big to dismiss that lightly, even by someone the null’s size, unless there’s more involved than size.”

I still felt a shiver pass through me at thought of that null Adjin, a touch of terror I couldn’t seem to shake even though I knew I’d never see him again. I fought with the feeling while everyone considered what I’d said, then let myself be distracted when Lamdon stirred where he sat and smiled at me.

“Such information as that is precisely what we seek, and yet was it nearly unmentioned by cause of your not having sooner realized its value,” he said, making a comment which was in no way a condemnation, his light eyes mild. “I wonder if we might ask a favor of you, wenda, one which would benefit us a great deal. Should you agree, I have the ability to merge minds with you in a manner which is likely unfamiliar to you. You would have little or no knowledge of that which was said by you, for I alone would direct the path of your memory, touching all things in detail or merely in passing. Naught would be forgotten nor overlooked, and still you would have no need to relive that which continues to bring you pain. Would you permit a merging such as that?”

Every man there sat quietly waiting for my answer, and only then did I understand that they hadn’t missed what discussing the complex made me feel. Being completely unshielded had its drawbacks as well as its benefits, and I nearly called up my curtain before realizing that hiding would not help. If I was ever going to be one of those people I had to be one of them without anything to hide behind, and forcing myself to cooperate right then might make it easier the next time I had to do it. My first, most immediate reaction would have been to refuse, but I pushed the refusal away with a shrug.

“If I can help without having to scratch at wounds which haven’t yet healed, of course I’ll do it,” I said, trying for an encouraging smile to give all those gentle, worrying minds. “I want to get those people at the complex at least as badly as you do, so we can at least try this mind merging. Will my not being familiar with it make it harder to do?”

“No, wenda, only I need know what must be done,” Lamdon said, his voice as soothing as his smile. “Also would I have you realize that it shall not be we alone who benefit from the effort. You, too, will have an easing for your striving, an easing which should have been given you many days earlier. A pity there were none with Murdock McKenzie who possessed the ability, a great pity, a great pity, a great . . .”

His voice droned on and on without meaning, his lovely blue eyes growing larger and larger as his gentle mind came closer to mine. I had never seen eyes grow that big before, and before I knew it I was bathing in them, bathing in them, bathing . . .

And then I was taking a deep breath and blinking, needing to stretch a little where I sat on the carpet fur, but otherwise feeling better than I had in quite a while. I had an immediate sense of time having passed from the minds around me, so that meant whatever had been tried had worked even if I didn’t remember it. Lamdon wasn’t within inches of me as I seemed to remember him being so I was able to look around at the other men, but once I did the smile I had begun faded to nothing. The people in the room weren’t the same ones who had been there before that-merging, and I didn’t much care for most of the substitutions..

“Please don’t be angry, Terry,” Irin said as she moved. closer to me, her long skirt making the shift awkward. “You have a problem that needs to be solved for everyone’s sake, most especially yours. Lamdon helped us all understand what it was,. and now we have to make you understand. Will you let us do that?”

Her mind and eyes were filled with compassion and a very great need to help, but it was still all I could do to keep my anger from reaching out to her and everyone in the room. They were all desperate to help-Irin and Rissim and Lamdon and Garth and Len and Dallan and Hestin and that one called Tammad-whether or not I wanted to be helped. I sat silently for a moment, working to control myself, then nodded curtly.

“All right, you all feel I have a terrible problem and you’re determined to help me solve it,” I said, making no effort to have them think I was feeling in the least friendly. “Since I can see you’re going to keep bothering me until I agree to listen I’ll do it, but don’t expect to be satisfied with the way the discussion turns out. I’m promising to listen, but that’s all I’m promising.”

“The stubbornness of stone has ever been one of your virtues, wenda,” the one called Tammad commented, his tone dry and his mind annoyed. “The wrong done to you has been more than great, a wrong I shall right with the edge of my blade, yet have I, too, been wronged. As you alone may right this second wrong, perhaps you will consider acquiring a like determination.

“I feel sure, denday Tammad, that my daughter will approach this matter with reason and understanding,” Rissim said from his place to Irin’s right in the circle our group formed on the floor fur, his voice calm and his mind the same. “Although in one sense she has not long been a daughter to me, she is, in fine, no other thing and has never been other than that. She is blood of my blood, and will surely conduct herself as such.”

His light blue eyes came to me at that point, nothing in them but the easy conviction that everything he’d said was true. I hadn’t much liked what that Tammad had said, but suddenly I was wondering if I liked Rissim’s speech any better. There was no doubt in his mind that I was his daughter, and I’d been wasting my time worrying about whether or not I’d be accepted. Acceptance was inarguable and automatic, mine simply by virtue of my being there, but what I did did not fall into the same category.

“I’m sure wed all like this to be over and done with,” Irin said hastily, her arm suddenly around me, most likely in response to what she could feel in my mind. “Since going over the problem should settle it, let’s start going over it. Len, you said you could do it best’?”

“I think so, but first there’s another misunderstanding to straighten out,’ Len answered with a nod from where he sat between Garth and Tammad, his sober gaze resting on me. “Terry, when I saw all the things you were becoming able to do with your mind I did run scared, but not for the reason you think. I wasn’t afraid of you, and I didn’t mistrust you; except for being the one to accomplish all you did, you really had nothing to do with it at all.”

He paused then, to give me a chance to comment if I wanted to, but he was the one with all the explanations. When he saw I had nothing to say, he sighed inwardly and plowed on.

“You have to understand one very important point before any of the rest of it will make sense,” he said, his eyes now trying to send belief, his mind deliberately refusing to do the same. “The Amalgamation differentiates between Primes and ordinary empaths, but Terry-our people here have found that the only difference between the two is this: Primes are born with the greater strength, and other empaths have to work for it. Prime strength can be achieved by any empath if they’re properly trained, so every one of us is a potential Prime.”

This time I didn’t say anything because my mind was too shocked, not to mention too busy racing around trying to digest that unbelievable statement. All the valley people present were confirming what had been said with their calm acceptance of the matter, leaving me no choice but to believe the unbelievable. All empaths were potential Primes, and where you get has always been more important than where you start from. The same strength was available to all of us, but the Amalgamation didn’t know that!

“Good grief, Len, they’ve been throwing their ordinary empaths away!” I blurted, suddenly even more shocked. “They keep the born Primes, and all the rest are called Ejects and simply kicked out to live as they can or die if they can’t! They’ve had just the numbers they wanted right in their hands, and all they did with them was throw them away!”

“Which is my idea of proper justice,” Len said in agreement, sharing the grim pleasure the other valley people felt. “I hurt for the pain given my brothers and sisters, but at least they were spared the need to find themselves working to further the aims of their enemies. Once we defeat that garbage, our people will be rescued and helped to live normal lives.

“Considering what I’ve just told you, I now have to explain why I’m not Prime strength yet,” he went on after taking a deep breath to calm himself. “I’ve visited here often enough to have gotten the training but the day I reached Prime strength would have been the day I had to stay here permanently. I’m not supposed to be a Prime, and if I went back to work for Central and someone accidentally discovered I was, my usefulness and freedom would have been over together. Not to mention the fact that they would then have known a lot more than we wanted them to.”

“Okay, I can understand that,” I conceded, finding it just about the only point not wrapped a mile deep in confusion. “What I can’t understand is what that can possibly have to do with your being afraid. Since you know so much more about it, you shouldn’t . . .”

“Terry, the fact that I know so much more about it is the point,” he interrupted, more upset with himself than with me. “I’d thought, just like everyone else, that there was a limit to what Primes can do, and then there you were, so far beyond our best that it was frightening. And not only that, but it was clear you were still growing! If I’d thought those sorts of abilities were beyond me I wouldn’t have minded, but what one of us can do, so can the rest! But wed tried, hard and often, and had discovered that ordinary practice couldn’t advance us to your level. That meant wed have to go through what you went through-all that pain and terror-once I reached Prime strength I’d have to try for it, my nature would refuse to let me do anything else. I don’t think I’ve ever been so frightened in my life—”

He sat trembling with his hand over his eyes, his mind reaching out for and clinging to the comfort being sent to him by just about everyone in the room, the fear he’d spoken of a very odd thing. It wasn’t the sort of fear most people feel, the kind that sends panic racing through you and you racing through anything in your path to getting away. Len’s fear was the terrible sort that’s felt when the last thing you want to do is what you intend, but you know you will do it because you have to. No matter what. No matter how much it hurts. That kind of fear just sits on you and digs in, spreading out and using its claws and teeth, turning your life into a waking nightmare. I would have known how Len felt even if I couldn’t read his emotions so clearly, and from that I knew the comforting the others were giving him was no more than wasted effort.

“I think I’ve found another difference between Primes and ordinary empaths,” I said after a moment, putting an insulting drawl into the words. “Primes learn to think, an ability that seems to be beyond some of the ordinary.”

The minds around me immediately began registering offended outrage and disapproval on Len’s behalf, but Len was the one I was watching most carefully, and his sense of insult died almost before it was born. He pulled his hand from his eyes so he could look at me with all the suspicion he felt, knowing I’d said what I had on purpose even though he couldn’t see the purpose, so I shook my head at him.

“You know, Len, I really admire the courage of people who get their exercise from jumping to conclusions,” I said, feeling how my continued drawl was adding to his annoyance. “I don’t think much of their intelligence, but I do admire their courage in making assumptions and then living their lives to suit the conclusions. Doing it that way means they never know what will happen, but that doesn’t stop them from plowing through life both deaf and blind.”

“All right, Terry, why don’t you just say what you have to straight out,” he came back, the annoyance turning his voice into the next thing to a growl. Before all the time he’d spent on Rimilia, he would have reddened; right then he was more angry than embarrassed. “I know you’re dying to show me how wrong I am, so why don’t you just do it.”

“After a lovely invitation like that, I’ll be glad to,” I responded, leaning down to a red cushion as I grinned at him. “You’ve already said you know what I had to go through to develop strength and extra abilities, but there’s one thing you haven’t said. How do you know everyone else will have to go through the same?”

“Why-it stands to reason,” he answered, but more defensively and hesitantly as he frowned. “The people here have tried to go farther ahead, and haven’t been able to do it. You did it, but only after going through the outlying districts of hell. What other conclusion is it possible to draw?”

“Len, when people first started flying, they did more crashing into the ground than staying in the air,” I told him gently, feeling the attentiveness that now surrounded me—and from him as well, which was what I’d been trying for. “Just because the pioneers crashed doesn’t mean we have to accept crashing on a regular basis if we want to fly, all it means is that we have their pain to thank for our present comfort in traveling. I happen to believe that if you crash you’re not doing it right, and history tends to be on my side. When you know something is possible but dangerous you look around for a way to make it safe, and that’s called progress. ”

“I think you almost have me convinced,” he grudged, his mind a good deal happier and freer than his tone, and then his eyes were directly on me again. “I still don’t like the way you got me to listen, but I suppose stubbornness is another thing Primes and ordinary empaths have in common. And now, I’m happy to say, it’s my turn to give you a hand.”

“I’ve had a hand from you before,” I told his grin as I straightened off the cushion again, remembering all too clearly the times he’d touched me when I hadn’t wanted him to. “Since I don’t expect this time to be any better than the others, just do it so I can get back to my room.”

“Terry, you’re not about to be heartlessly violated,” he said, the words strong and direct without any pity or overgentleness to them, his eyes and mind the same. “You’re confused and very hurt over what happened to you, and all we’re going to do is clear the confusion away. Lamdon has already helped by making sure talking about it will be a little easier for you, so let’s get started. This First Prime named Kel-Ten, the man who claimed you; what kind of man was he, and what did he look like?”

“He didn’t look any different than anyone else,” I answered, taking my turn at frowning. “He was a fairly big man, and few of the others were able to match his size. He had’ blond hair and blue eyes, I suppose you would call him handsome. He had a lot of women to take care of due to his being First Prime, but he seemed to be more interested in me than in them, and not only because we were planning to escape together. I don’t know, there was something about the way he looked at me, especially after they told him he would be the first to-to—”

I couldn’t quite bring myself to talk about being bred like an animal, not even when it was fury I was beginning to feel at the thought instead of the desperate sickness I’d felt at the time. I looked away from Len while I tried to think of a more graceful way to get out of going on than simply stopping, but he saved me the trouble. He’d asked his question for a reason, and what answer I’d given was apparently enough.

“So the man was big, blond and blue-eyed, important, and claimed you because he wanted you,” Len summed up, ignoring the ragged ending I’d given him. “You remember everything about him, especially not liking him and not trusting him at all. What you claim you don’t remember is anything about Tammad, even though the rest of us can feel your hostility toward him without half trying. Terry: is it really true that you don’t remember Tammad—or are you remembering him with Kel-Ten imposed on top? Is it really Tammad you don’t want to know—or is it Kel-Ten you’re rejecting in his place?”

By that time I was back to looking at Len, the soberly intense questions he’d asked making me feel even more confused than I had moments earlier. I didn’t even glance at the big Rimilian to his left, but suddenly I became aware of a cloud of calm that was thinning around the edges. Underneath was a thick conglomeration of most of the more violent emotions-rage, fury, the need for vengeance, bloodlust, hatred—but somehow I knew none of that was aimed at me. What was aimed at me was something I had no interest in, something I didn’t even want to try to read.

“Terry, you’re backing away again,” Len said; a faint sound of warning in his voice. “If anyone should know you can’t solve a problem by running away, I’m it. Think about what I’m saying, and consider the possibility that it’s true: you’re blaming Tammad for something Kel-Ten did, but you aren’t doing it consciously. They must have put you through extra conditioning to erase Tammad from your memory, so you’re having a harder time bringing back the truth of him. With just about all of the rest of your memories restored you think you should be remembering him too, but you aren’t. What you’re doing is filling in the gaps with Kel-Ten, reconciling what’s missing that way. You do remember Tammad, but the Tammad you remember isn’t what you should be remembering. Won’t you admit that what I just said makes sense?”

Len’s voice had taken on a coaxing, urging quality, his effort to get me to admit the possibility shared by most of the minds around us. They all believed he was right and wanted me to believe it with them, but my mind had developed a sort of-transparent buffer that let me see the emotions being sent at me even as they were shunted past me. It was almost like what I’d seen that trainer do back in the complex, a trick I seemed to have borrowed to take care of the way other people’s minds influenced mine without my being aware of it. That was a problem Ashton had mentioned to me, one that was now settled. Another was that I was seeing Kel-Ten when I looked at Tammad, but only because they were two of a kind.

“What you said makes a lot of sense, Len,” I conceded, giving no indication that I saw the flash of triumph in his mind. “The only problem I have with it isit isn’t entirely true. I’ll admit I was lying when I said I didn’t remember Tammad; after seeing him a couple of times it all came back in a rush. Insisting I didn’t remember seemed the easiest way of getting everyone to stop pestering me about him, but since it isn’t working I might as well tell you all the truth. I remember everything about him, but I still don’t want to know him. Can I go back to my room now?”

A deafening uproar doesn’t necessarily have to be verbal, not when it’s a bunch of empaths you’re sitting among. The silent torrent of shock and protest and confusion would have come close to drowning me if that buffer hadn’t still been in place, and then the flood was distracted by the expected someone, who managed to put his thoughts into words first-as usual.

“Wenda, I cannot find meaning in what you have said,” Tammad told me, his voice soft and even despite the raging hurt and disappointment boiling around behind his cloud of calm. “You would have me believe you recall the life we had begun together, the deep full love we shared, and still you wish to know naught further of me? Surely must there continue to be confusion within you, a lack of true memory and the sight of another in my place. It cannot . . .”

“You don’t believe it’s you I’m remembering?” I interrupted, finally looking straight at him instead of avoiding it the way I’d been doing. “You still think it’s only Kel-Ten? Well, try this: He saw me and decided he wanted me, and I had no say in the matter. He really enjoyed taking me to bed, but the thought of sharing me with others of the Primes didn’t bother him at all. He forced me to obey him, dressed me the way he pleased, humiliated me any time the mood struck him, and never once doubted he had the right. Does any of that sound familiar to you, l’lenda? Can you never remember being amused over something that shamed me, was there never a time when what I wanted was immediately and absolutely dismissed from your consideration? If that’s your definition of love, I’d rather be hated. Or beaten, which is something else I’m sure you can’t remember ever having done to me. I really would like you to find someone else to love. I’m too tired to go through any more of that. ”

I didn’t need Irin’s arm tightening around me to know how ragged my emotions had grown, a condition that cut me off from the man I’d been looking at. Only one small part of me refused to admit I didn’t want him near me any longer, but that one part probably enjoyed the pain I’d been given. The rest of me didn’t want him any longer, or the pain either.

“Is it possible my daughter speaks the truth, denday Tammad?” Rissim asked in the ragged silence while Irin urged me to put my head down on her shoulder. “Most of those seated with us feel appalled, yet do I hear naught of protest even from you. Can it be this lack of words speaks more clearly than a score of voices?”

“No!” Tammad denied immediately, his emotions trying to rampage out of his control of them. “I am l’lenda, and when I came upon an unbanded woman I desired, I took her for my own! The price I gave for her possession was more than dinga, yet did I give it gladly! My heart was hers nearly from the first moment I beheld her, yet was it necessary that I labor long and strenuously before hers was mine as well. Was there never a time we quarreled, never a time when despair drove me to offering her pain rather than due punishment? Most certainly there were such times, yet not beyond the moment we truly looked upon one another. Are you able to deny there was a time such as that, woman? Did we not come to terms with our differences, and find happiness in each other’s arms?”

“How much happiness did we find when I told you I didn’t want to go with you to the Chama’s palace in Vediaster, but you forced me to go anyway?” I countered, closing my eyes to help keep my voice steady. “I asked you to let me go with Dallan instead, but you decided it would be foolish to pamper a woman’s groundless fears. Didn’t that happen after that coming-to-terms time? Have you any idea what was done to me because you were too high and mighty a l’lenda to listen to a lowly wenda?”

“In my own capture I was fully informed of what had become of you,” he answered in the newest, deepest silence, his voice now dead, his mind overflowing with self-condemnation. “I-begged-to have the agony of such torture given instead to me, yet such as those who held us take what they wish and give naught in return. So now we have come to the true reason you no longer wish knowledge of me, and I find myself suddenly bereft of the ability to seek argument against your choice. You have cause to feel disgust in my presence, hama sadendra, a fact which I cannot deny.”

Even without opening my eyes I knew that his head was bowed low, the mighty l’lenda who was never ashamed to shed tears when the pain he felt was great enough. I knew exactly how much pain he felt; I could reach it even through the cloud of calm he used in place of a shield. He’d sworn to protect me and had instead been the cause of my capture and torture, and that was something he would never be able to forgive himself for. I pressed my cheek into Irin’s shoulder, fighting to keep myself from soothing away that guilt, struggling to show nothing of what was really inside me. If I could just hold out long enough it would all be over, and neither one of us would ever have to cry again.

“And yet, Tammad, it was fear for your safety and the need for your freedom which filled her thoughts at all times,” Dallan said suddenly out of the blue, sounding as though he were doing no more than thinking aloud. “When she first awoke in Leelan’s house, she would have immediately gone seeking you in the palace had she found herself able to stand. Hestin and I together were unable to hold off her determination past the time she was able to stand. Had it proven necessary, she would surely have gone to the palace alone rather than in the company of w’wendaa, with others poised without the walls awaiting the time to strike. Can those be the actions of one who condemns her memabrak for having placed her in jeopardy?”

There were no comments made aloud to that, but Hestin’s firm agreement couldn’t be missed any more than Tammad’s sudden confusion. I was so tired I wanted to give it all up and run, but Len had been right about the futility of running. I’d been trying to make sure there would be no pursuit when I finally took to my heels, but it wasn’t working out at all the way I’d wanted it to.

“Also do I now recall a comment which was made at the time,” Dallan went on, warming to his subject apparently without noticing everyone’s reaction to what he was saying. “It was pointed out by my sister Terril that although she had somehow known danger lay in wait for her and the others, she had failed to realize that it was her dark hair and green eyes which would betray them to their enemies. Had this understanding come to her soon enough for her to speak to you of it, brother, would you have continued refusing to give heed to her insistences? Somehow I think not.”

“It is among my own recollections that this treda longed for you even when asleep, Tammad,” Hestin said, speaking as comfortably as Dallan had. “There was fury in her for none save those responsible for many outrages, naught of anger for those who fell victim to them. I feel that the sharpness of her recent words have as their source part of the pain which continues to hold her so tightly, a pain which I cannot read save for knowing of its presence. There is more here than meets the eye, my friend, and I believe we would be wise to delve more deeply into it. ”

“Hama, what words are these that they speak to me?” Tammad asked, still feeling confused but with his head no longer down. I could see him so clearly even with my eyes closed, just as I had always been able to do, but what difference did that make? Back to the beginning of time people had been able to see clearly the far horizon and long for it, but that didn’t mean they were ever able to reach it and make it theirs.

“Daughter, you too must speak to us in explanation,” Rissim said, his tone very gentle but not one that would let itself be ignored. “No more than truth has been uttered by you thus far, yet is it a strange truth seen from a view others fail to share. Should you remain mute, I will have little choice save to return you to the bands of this man who is your memabrak.”

“You can’t return me to him because he isn’t my memabrak,” I said, beginning to feel dizzy and even more tired despite the loving support being sent me by Irin. “When he heard they wanted me to be Chama of Vediaster he decided to give me up for the sake of those who claimed to need me so badly, sacrificing his own claim for the sake of a city full of people. That wasn’t the first time he decided to give me up and it looks like he changed his mind again, but this time I’m not going to let him change it back. This time he’s going to go through with it.”

If the earlier noise in the room was mental, what broke out right then was mostly physical. Rissim rumbled something in outrage, Len and Garth immediately began throwing questions around, and Tammad’s own words were buried under everyone else’s. Emotions flew behind the gabble like attacking ghosts, every feeling ready to go for the throat of all the others, and I don’t know how long it would have continued if thick, heavy serenity and calm didn’t suddenly appear in the middle of it all to force its way outward. I opened my eyes as the raging riot settled down then faded to nothing, and so was able to see the faint smile on the face of Lamdon.

“For all to speak at once is possible, yet only among those with no interest in listening,” he said, looking around to make sure everyone understood it was he who had quieted the room. “As the girl’s words have clearly caused a great deal of agitation, best would be to speak in turn so that all may hear what is being said. Which of you will begin the thing?”

“I will begin,” Tammad jumped in before any of the others could, anger flashing from his light blue eyes. “I have no understanding of the reason which would cause so patently false an accusation to be leveled at me! The girl has been through much, I know, yet to lower herself to such absurd . . . ”

“Absurd?” Len interrupted with a snort, so coldly angry and aggressive that I almost didn’t recognize him. “How many times is she supposed to go through the same thing with you before her refusal to do it again isn’t absurd? Are you trying to claim you never did decide to give her up and then changed your mind, or are you saying two or three times isn’t enough to complain about? I agreed to follow you, Tammad, so why don’t you make the effort to show one of your followers just how honorable you are?”

Len was staring at Tammad with Garth to Len’s right wearing the exact same expression, two minds filled with bitter disappointment over seeing their idol crumble. The big barbarian returned their stare with the anger fading inside him, having no trouble understanding that the two weren’t challenging him. They both knew he could draw his sword and end them without either of them being able to stop him, but they didn’t particularly care if he did just that. They were too full of hurt and bewilderment to care, but all Tammad felt himself was confused.

“It did indeed seem, on more than one occasion, that best for the woman would be my unbanding of her,” he allowed, trying to be gentle with the two men despite his own upset. “Each time I found that life without her would be no more than death in truth, therefore did I strive to give her understanding rather than unbanding. This last instance, however, did not occur, for I would not have . . .”

“Tammad, my friend, the incident was spoken of to me at the time,” Dallan interrupted in embarrassment, obviously trying to keep his chosen brother from outright lying. “The woman cannot be accused of speaking falsely, for I saw with my own eyes the shattered bones of her contentment, the meaninglessness her victory had become. She walked and breathed, yet true life was no longer within her.”

“Dallan, it cannot be so,” Tammad protested, even more confused than he had been, his eyes now resting on the man who looked back at him in discomfort. “If such a thing was told you, why was the matter never spoken of to me? Is a man to stand condemned through accusation alone, in no manner permitted to speak upon his own behalf?”

“I would certainly have discussed the matter with you, had Terril’s disappearance not driven us all to distraction,” Dallan answered, no more than the faintest hint of defensiveness in his tone as he straightened just a little where he sat to my left. “As you may recall you spent much of the time wrapped in the sleep of healing given you by Hestin, and when you awoke there was occasion to speak of naught save the disappearance. We all of us were so fully engaged with that, the earlier matter simply slipped from my memory.”

“There cannot have been an earlier matter such as that,” the barbarian insisted, vexation now flaring from his mind as his eyes shifted to me. “It cannot be, wenda, it simply cannot be! You must surely have mistaken whatever words were spoken to you, giving them meaning they were not to have.”

“You said, ‘I may not have you,’” I quoted without letting the memory tear me the way it wanted to, leaning on Irin and my mind-tool of strength alike. “ ‘There are others who now need you more,’ you said, ‘and such things must be understood and accepted.’ That’s word for word what you told me, and I’d like to know how else it was supposed to be interpreted. I have no idea why you changed your mind again, but more to the point is the fact that I don’t care. Those few words hurt me more than anything Farian’s people would ever have found it possible to do, and I’ll never let myself be hurt that way again. As far as I’m concerned I don’t know you, and anyone who tries to change that will be in line for hurting of his or her own.”

I let my eyes close again to cut off sight of his stunned, almost open-mouthed expression, the newest silence in the room feeling really good. Most of the minds around me were maintaining a matching silence, too shocked to think or feel, Irin being the only exception. The woman who held me so tightly to her was fiercely glad I’d done as I had, and was more than ready to help me argue with anyone who disagreed.

“Treda, there is a point here which eludes my understanding,” Hestin said after a minute, faint confusion even in his voice. “These words which were spoken to you by your memabrak, words I have no doubt you truly heard-in what place and time were they uttered? Are you able to recall that?”

“It was right after I defeated Farian,” I said, too tired to try refusing him an answer on a dead issue. I, too, felt the next thing to dead, and all I wanted was a final end to the episode. “You should remember the time yourself, Hestin. It wasn’t long after that that you showed up and took him somewhere else. You and Dallan put him to bed, I think.”

“Yes, I do indeed recall the time,” the healer said, his usually calm voice now back to normal. “I had thought that the time you referred to, yet was it necessary that I be certain. Treda-you must hear the words I speak, and also must you find belief in them. It was not possible for your memabrak to have chosen to unband you just then, for it was not possible for him to utter choices of any sort. His mind and sense of self were-elsewhere due to the urgings of the potion within him, the same potion which had held him as slave for so long. It was not possible for him to do other than accept the will of those about him.”

“And-possibly the words of others as well,” Dallan said in a tone of slow revelation as I opened my eyes in shocked disbelief to stare at Hestin. Dallan sat between us to my left, and I could see his elated expression even though I wasn’t looking directly at him. “I had not earlier thought upon the point, yet now I do recall how odd Tammad seemed when we freed him. What was said to him was not commented upon by him but repeated back, as though there were no thoughts of his own filling his head. When he awoke he had no clear memory of what had occurred after his release, therefore was it certainly not by his own choice that he spoke. Likely was he spoken to in such a manner earlier, and then merely echoed what he was able to recall of it.”

Dallan’s triumphant summation caused a burst of low-voiced comments to be exchanged between Len and Garth, but I had no idea what they were saying to each other. I straightened away from Irin in deep shock, remembering all too clearly how that slave drug worked from my own experience with it. It had only been possible to resist it a little when its hold began weakening, not at all when it was fully in control. That one swallow Tammad had had of it before I could interfere-it must have combined with the residue of drug in his system to throw him right back under its full control-without my noticing it more than marginally—and hadn’t Deegor said something to him not long before

“I see, hama, that we both voiced the truth,” Tammad said with joyful gladness, drawing my gaze to a face covered with loving happiness. “You did indeed hear what was in no manner said by me, and now there is naught further to stand between us. Come to my arms, sadendra mine, and share my vow that we will never again be parted.”

He opened his arms to me in the way he had always done, his love and desire rolling at me in waves, adding terribly to the whirling dizziness trying to push its way out of my head. I felt hot and cold both at the same time, queasiness twisting at me along with the dizziness, and there was no way in hell I could stand it any more.

“No,” I denied, trying to get my feet under me so I could stand. “I won’t put myself in a position where it can ever happen again, real or not. Leave me alone. I’m going to my room. I’m going.”

What I managed was to get halfway to my feet before the dizziness took to swinging the room around, and after that reached nothing but blackness.