The State of The Art

Scratch

OR: The Present and Future of Species HS (sic) Considered as The Contents of a Contemporary Popular Record (qv). Report Abstract/Extract Version 4. 2 Begins (after this break);

No one likes to think about what No one likes to think No one likes to think about what might happen happen in the event of your Large Tax-Free Bonus Tax Free Bonus but have you provided for your family should your Tax Free Bonus Home Fire Alarm will protect your family Large Tax Free better than almost any competing product product Will not Better than almost any product Can you afford not to be without this inexpensive Easy Credit Terms Available Easy Easy Easy Credit Terms Available Will not damage carpets.

I: Irreversible Neu(t)ral Damage

Absolutely not it’s a good idea I told her I said dear these days you’ve got to look out for number one; go for it, honey. Don’t you take any shit about BMW Three Series with discreet spoilers and those bulky overweight mega-diaries with your whole Yuppie life inside those ribbed covers, choosing your Hyper Hyper jacket to go with the new leatherbound you just got Is that a Diver’s Watch, do you dive? No is that a Pilot’s Briefcase can you fly? Are you sure this is real Perrier? A degree with cloister cred, designer tampons and open-plan toilets. Don’t know anybody with AIDS yet. This the powder room? Na it’s a good smear done first, 'course — and sell the Gas shares; remortgage with my cousin he’ll see you right and set it up if you want; show these fucking Grauniad reading wankers what you think of them; a Unit Trust investing only in South Africa, the nuclear and defence industries and tobacco related products products is a great idea. At least you know where you are lets do lunch and talk about it. By the way, is it true about Naomi and Gerald?

II: The Base Of The Iceberg

(smell) The crunched up packets of cheap cigarettes, black stencil writing on yellow covers they call them crush-proof in the US all crushdup. The line of dripping washing nappies, socks, nappies, blouse — needs a couple of buttons — more nappies, trousers — from the Oxfam shop — nappies (Intrusion: The economies of scale: stuff the big pinkwhite Pampers box and the E9000 gigasize economy/Family Family Family box of powder into the GTi Don’t forget the Comfort. Now then where were we Oh Yes), nappies (smell), tights, nappies, more tights more nappies drip drip drip onto the sheets of newspaper on the floor (the string runs from broken light fitting to the hook holding the faded notice about fire procedure and no guests after ten You are expected to vacate the room for six hours per day Prams must be taken up to rooms Do NOT leave prams in stair wells No cooking in room This door should be should not be wedged open kept locked at all times the building is occupied. Fire proof). The remains of Wimpy meals and McDonald’s Complete Family meals and Kentucky Fried Chicken soup in a Basket and Brightly Coloured Shakes and Wendy meals and French Fries (smell) and more French Fries (smell) and a Doner Kebab (small); junk food funk food junk food fast food for those who queued seven hours at the DHSS today spent the time in the park second hand pair of a cup last two hours but a skin forms on the top and they chase you out if they’re busy fast food lunch time if it’s raining’s the worst won’t allow prams in anyway cold in the rain and the hood leaks keep the curtains drawn all day fast food (Iknowbut)

Giro don’t come til next Tuesday she’s been there three days but they’ve lost the records sent from

Glasgow what a state poor cow fast food said it’s a respiratory complaint keep him dry I said that’s a joke fast food the park station/ DHSS/ just walk the streets I suppose(Intrusion: The dripped-on paper sez: WANT A QUICK LOAN? (homeowners only)) fast fod

(meanwhile christ rushed off our feet so busy oh fuck another three-bottle lunch!… Did I pay that with the company card? Yeah a Vodaphone on the firm next month Oh dear late again… Let’s share a taxi)

[fst fwd] and the tins of beans the cider bottles cough medicine tampon packets (plus VAT) baby food jars If you dip the French Fries (plus VAT) in the baby food it makes it last longer won’t stop crying feel like hitting her sometimes I know, she’s sick again (smell) and

I’m late again

(sic) what a state

fast forward

III: Beat Me Up, Scotty

of course there’s the spin-offs; Gemini gave us non-stick frying pans, or was it Chuck Yeager? fst fd Well anyway of course there’ll be peaceful applications the solar-powered television on my watch would run off the space-based lasers

IV: Hocus, Focus, Mucus

…that he did, on or about the date given above, wilfully, and while in full possession of his faculties, walk under a ladder without due care and attention, step on the cracks in the pavement (1,345,964 other offences to be taken into consideration), break a mirror (statutory penalty seven years), fail to finish his meat course at dinner (thus incurring a period of rain on the following day of unspecified duration; see attached forensic meteorological report), spill approximately 211 grains of household sodium chloride (common salt: NaCl) without thereafter propelling said same household sodium chloride over and above left shoulder despite supplies of same being freely available, to the furtherance of the Devil’s works, and, farther, did, in the presence of several God-fearing witnesses, good men and true, with malice aforethought open an umbrella within a household, as defined by the Household (Definition) Act of the Year of Our Lord…

V: Now Wash Your Hands

I was proceeding in a Westerly direction along Rhodes Street along with others of my gang when I observed the defendant emerging from the premises now known to me as "Singh Brothers Supermarket Halal Meats and Off License", carrying a cardboard container of household supplies and sporting a dark complexion, whereupon my colleagues and I gave chase. The defendant thereupon dropped the said box of household supplies, what I kicked as I persued him. The defendant was chased into what I now know is Crucial Brew Close, where I and others kicked im in the ghoulies, kidnies and head, causing him injury and distress; following which, we ran away. And I would like to thank the Rascist Bastards Complaints Review Board for helping to keep this sort of thing on the streets (Intrusion: No one asked them to come here I’d send them all back to where they came from (Bradford). Well, before that (Bradford). Well, originally (Shock Deport Report: Royals Repatriated to Hunland/ Wopland; Entire So-Called "English" Upper Class 'Relocated' to France in "1066 Effect": East African camps being prepared for "Stand Off Zanzibar" Final Solution. Message Ends).

VI: Formula Writing

Junk DNA Junk AND Junk NAD Junk DAN Junk AND nkju ADN unkj DNA unkj AND unkj NAD unkj DAN unkj ADN nkju DNA nkju AND nkju NAD nkju ADN kjun DNA kjun AND kjun NAD kjun DAN kjun ADN unjk DNA unjk AND unjk NAD unjk DAN (etc)

(tee, cet, tec, cet)

VII: Thesis, Antithesis, Dialysis

cancel BUPA if you have to New Cancer Research Grant Safe in our hands New Cancer Research Grant Report concludes Safe in our waldos PRIVATE CANCER TREATMENT: A GROWTH INDUSTRY Concludes the poor and unemployed are more susceptible to a wide range of Spending More Than More Than More Than Spending More Than Ever Before New Cancer Research Grant SPENDING MORE THAN EVER BEFORE research cut slashed in NEW CUTS IN round of spending cuts NEW CUTS IN after wide consultations NEW CUTS IN reduced demand NEW CUTS IN catchment area NEW CUTS IN revised priorities NEW CUTS IN community care NEW CUTS IN susceptible to a wide range of NEW CUTS IN NEW CUTS IN CUTS IN SURGICAL… Research Grant will no longer be referred to as a 'lump sum' and this latest mark of kidney machine — the twelve-inch dance re-mix laser guided precision munition version — can scatter hundreds of these tiny kidney-stone size machinettes over an area the size of a squash courts cricket pitch golf course, breaking up breaking up an enemy kidney failure while it’s still in Warsaw Pict territory (oops, sic) go for it honey.

VIII: What Free World

LOONY LEFT BLACK LESBIANS WITH AIDS BAN

ENGLISH IN NURSERIES

ANOTHER

MAGGIE SLAMS "ENEMY WITHIN"

ANOTHER TRIUMPH

"SORRY KIDS, YOU'RE WHITE"

ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR

BASTARDS!

ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR BRITAIN

ANOTHER BLOW FOR LABOUR

UNEMPLOYMENT DOWN AGAIN

ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR BRITAIN

ANOTHER TRIUMPH

LABOUR PLANS SCROUNGERS' CHARTER

ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR

35,000 JOBS TO GO IF LABOUR WIN

ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR

CHEERS, MAGGIE!

ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR

(RECORD PROFITS)

ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR

US

GOTCHA!

IX: Rapid Ear Movement

out of ten children below the age of six regularly have nightmares about nuclear war

I sed it provides jobs, dunnit, an he sez

'So did Belsin and Outshwits; them cattle trux didn’t drive themselves you no; somebody had ta bild the camps and put up the electric wire and keep the showers hosed down; tok to me about hard wurk once you’ve spent all day supervizing frowing bodies into furnaces' Iknow "Ow, ullo Fritz; wotcher doin theez daze?" "Well, Kurt, am on a Reich Retraining Scheme, ineye?; pulling gold teef outa ded Jooz." Iknowbutprovides jobz alright Six million? Don’t make me larf that’s just one city Iknowbutwhat gas was quick compared to radiation sickness

Iknowbutwhatcan There was this sick cunt made lightshades outer ther skin but at Hiroshima they woz just shadders on the wall

Iknowbutwhatcanyou makes yer fink, dunnit? Iknowbutwhatcanyoudo? course that labour lot would just let the Rushins march right in and you got ta defend yourself, intya?

X: The History Of The Universe In Three Words (sic)

THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE

ONE

Bang!

TWO

sssss…

THREE

crunch.

THE END

XI: The Precise Nature Of The Catastrophe

WELCUM TO THE FEWTCHIR makes yer makes yer fink makes yer course that labour lot would just makes yer fink makes yer na it’s true I read it in the paper (sic) RED MENACE makes yer fink SPENDING na don’t scratch it it’ll never get better (sick) march right in march march march right in makes yer fink course there’ll be spin-offs KILL AN ARGIE AND WIN A METRO I sed go for it honey KILL A look after number one and KILL A you got ta defend yourself KILL A KILL A fst fd KILL KILL KILL A COMMIE AND it makes you kicked im in the kidnie machines ATTENTION: you got ta SPENDING MORE defend yourself got ta defend your CHALLENGER BOMBS CHERNOBYL WITH LASER GUIDED AIDS self, SEVENTY-THREE SECONDS OVER CAPE CANAVERAL TWELVE MINUTES OVER TRIPOLI ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS OVER NORTHERN EUROPE, intya? ATTENTION: oh well scratch another power station scratch another planet fst fd I sed ARMING intya? GROWTH without INDUSTRY without due GROWTH GROWTH GROWTH INDUSTRY without due care and SPENDING MORE THAN you got ta defend SPENDING MORE THAN EVER defend your Tax Free GROWTH INDUSTRY without due care and ATTENTION: ARMING SEQUENCE ta defend yourself, intya? just let them Rushins ATTENTION: ARMING SEQUENCE INITIATED fst fd Course fst fd you got ta defend yourself fst fd NO ONE LIKES TO THINK the curtains closed all day fst ds ATTENTION (homeowners only) NO ONE LIKES you got ta NO ONE LIKES TO (Intrusion:) you got ta ATTENTION: Will not damage carpets ATTENTION: I said ATTENTION: fst fd ATTENTION: fst fd ATTENTION: NO ONE LIKES TO defend your SPENDING MORE THAN EVER BEFORE self, intya? I sed go for it ATTENTION: ATTENTION: ATTENTION: Message Ends defend defend defend yourself, intya? you got ta defend you — ullo, wot’s that bright l-? ATTENTION:

[EMP]

(sssss…)

XII: The End

THE END