The Science of Discworld II - The Globe

11. THE SHELLFISH SCENE

The wizards watched carefully.

'There's five of them sitting there with him now.' said Ponder. 'And some children. He seems to be getting on well enough.'

'They're very interested in his hat,' said the Dean. 'A pointy hat always commands respect in any culture,' said Ridcully. 'Then why have several of them tried to eat it?' said the Lecturer in Indefinite Studies.

'At least they don't appear to be warlike,' said Ponder. 'Let's go and introduce ourselves, shall we?'

And, again, when the wizards arrived at the little group around the fire there was the strange sensation of ... nothing. No surprise, no shock. The heavy people treated them as if they'd just returned from the bar; their curiosity level extended perhaps to the flavour of crisps they'd brought back, but no further.

'Friendly souls, ain't they?' said Ridcully. 'Which one's the boss?' Rincewind looked up, and then turned and snatched his hat from a big fist.

None of them,' he snapped. 'Stop pinching the sequins!'

'Have you mastered their language?'

'I can't! They don't have one! It's all point and kick! That's my hat, thank you so very very!'

'We watched you walking around,' said Ponder. 'Surely you've learned something?'

'Oh, yes,' said Rincewind. 'Follow me, and I'll show you - give me my hat'

Holding his sequin-stripped hat firmly on his head with both hands, he led the wizards to a big lagoon on the other side of the village. An arm of the river flowed through it; the water was crystal clear.

'See the shells?' said Rincewind, pointing to a large heap a little way from the beach.

'Freshwater mussels,' said Ridcully. 'Very nutritious. Well?'

'It's a big heap, right?'

'And?' said Ridcully. 'I'm quite fond of mussels myself.'

'You see that hill further along the bank? The one covered in grass? And the one behind that, with all the shrubs and trees? And the -well, see how the whole area is a lot higher than rest of the land around here? If you want to know why, just kick the soil away. It's mussel shells all the way down! These people have been here for thousands and thousands of years!'

The tiny clan had followed them and were watching with the uncomprehending interest that was their ground-state expression. Several of them waded in after mussels.

'That's a lot of shellfish,' said the Dean. 'Obviously not a taboo animal.'

'Yes, and that's surprising because frankly these people seem related to them,' said Rincewind wearily. 'Their stone tools are frankly rubbish and they can't build huts and they can't even make fire.'

'But we saw a—'

'Yes. They've got fire. They wait for lightning to strike a tree or set fire to grass,' said Rincewind.

'Then they just keep it going for years and years. Believe me, it took a lot of grunting and pointing to work that one out. And they have no idea about art. I mean, you know, pictures? I drew a picture of a cow in the dirt and they seemed puzzled. 1 really think they were just seeing ... well, lines. Just lines.'

'Perhaps you're not very good at cow pictures?' said Ridcully.

'Look around,' said Rincewind. 'No beads, no face paint, no decoration. You don't have to be very advanced to knock out a bear claw necklace. Even people who live in caves know how to draw. Ever seen those caves up in Ubergigle? Buffaloes and mammoths as far as the eye can see.'

'I must say you've seemed to strike up a rapport with them very quickly, Rincewind,' said Ponder.

'Well, I've always been good at understanding other people enough to get an inkling of when to start running,' said Rincewind.

'You don't always have to run, do you?'

'Yes. Of course. The important thing is to know when it's the appropriate moment, though. Ah, this one's Ug,' said Rincewind, as a white-haired man prodded him with a thick finger. 'So are all the others.'

The current Ug pointed towards the Shell Midden foothills.

'He appears to want us to go with him,' said Ponder.

'He might,' said Rincewind. 'Or he might be pointing out where he last had a really satisfying bowel movement. See them all watching us?'

'Yes.'

'See that strange expression they have?'

'Yes.'

'You wonder what they're thinking?'

'Yes.'

'Nothing. Believe me. That expression means that they're waiting for the next thought to turn up.'

Beyond the Shell Midden Mountains was a thicket of willows, and in the centre of the thicket was a much older tree, or what remained of one. It had been split in two, was now dead, and at some point had been burned.

The clan hung back, but the white-haired Ug followed them into it a little way.

Something crackled under Rincewind's foot. He looked down, saw a yellowing bone, and nearly experienced an appropriate moment. Then he spotted the faint hummocks around the clearing, many of them overgrown.

'And here's the tree that fire came from,' said Ridcully, who had noticed them as well. 'Sacred ground, gentlemen. And they bury their dead.'

'Not exactly buried,' said Rincewind. 'More just left, I think you'll find. I think they just want to show me where they got fire.'

Ridcully reached for his pipe.

'These people really don't make it?' he said.

'They didn't understand the question,' said Rincewind. 'Well, I say question ... they didn't understand what I hope was the question. We're not talking progressive thinkers here. It must have been a big step when they invented the idea of taking the skins off animals before wearing them. I've never met any people quite so ... well, dull. I can't work them out. They're not exactly stupid, but their idea of repartee is an answer within ten minutes.'

'Well, this'll buck their ideas up,' said Ridcully, and lit his pipe. T expect they'll be impressed!'

The Ugs looked at one another. They watched the Archchancellor blowing smoke. And then they attacked.

On the Discworld the only tribe known to have absolutely no imaginations whatsoever are the N'tuiftif, although they are gifted with great powers of observation and deduction. They just never invent anything. They were the first tribe ever to borrow fire. Being surrounded by other tribes who were as imaginative as anything, they are also very good at hiding; when you are surrounded by tribes to whom a stick means club, prod, lever, world domination, you are at a natural disadvantages when, to you, a stick means 'stick'.

To someone else a stick currently meant 'pole'.

A figure vaulted across the clearing and landed in front of the Ugs.

Orangutans do not enter the boxing ring, being too intelligent. If they did, however, the fact that they could knock out the opponent without getting up off their stool would quite make up for lack of finesse in the footwork.

Most of the tribe turned to run, and would have come face to face with the Luggage if it had a face. They rocked when it butted them, and tried to wonder what it was. And by then the Librarian was on top of them.

Those that worked out this was a good time to flee, fled. Those that didn't, stayed on the ground where they had been put.

The astonished Archchancellor was still holding the burning match when the Librarian advanced on him, screaming loudly.

'What say?' he said.

'There's a lot about him being in a library and the next minute being in the river over there,'

Ponder supplied. 'That all? Sounded more.' 'The rest was swearing, sir.' 'Apes swear?' 'Yes, sir.

All the time.'

There was another burst from the Librarian, accompanied by a pounding of knuckles on the ground. 'More swearing?' said Ridcully.

'Oh yes, sir. He's really quite upset. Hex has told him there are no longer any libraries whatsoever at any point in the planet's history.'

'Ow!'

'Quite, sir.'

'I burned my fingers!' Ridcully sucked his thumb. 'Where is Hex, anyway?'

'I was just wondering that, sir. After all, the crystal ball belonged in the city which isn't here any more ...'

They turned and looked at the tree.

It must have blazed furiously when the lightning struck. Probably it had been dead and dry anyway. There were only a few stumps of branches. The whole thing was black, and strangely ominous against the green of the willows.

Rincewind was sitting at the top.

'What the hell are you doing up there, man?' Ridcully bellowed.

'I can't run across water, sir,' Rincewind called down. 'And ... I think I've found Hex. This tree talks ..."