The Land of Painted Caves

Chapter 33

'I really didn't think anyone would be so foolish as to think he could deceive the zelandonia like that,' the huge woman said. She and Ayla were sitting together in the large structure that was used by the zelandonia for a variety of purposes. 'Thank you for bringing these things to me.' She paused. 'You did know Madroman was the one who brought down all the difficulties on Jondalar and me? When he was young and I was his donii-woman?'

'Jondalar told me about it. Isn't that why he's missing his front teeth? Because Jondalar hit him?' Ayla asked.

'He did more than hit him. It was terrible. He became so violent, it took several men to stop him, and he was hardly more than a child then. That was the main reason Jondalar was sent away. He's learned to control himself now, but then his feelings, his anger and fury, were overpowering. I don't think he even knew what he was doing to Madroman. It was like something else had got inside of him and pushed his elan out; he was beside himself.' The woman once known as Zolena closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and shook her head at the memory.

Ayla didn't know what to say, but the story disturbed her. She had seen Jondalar jealous and upset, but never that angry.

'It was probably for the best that someone brought it to the attention of the zelandonia. I had let it go too far,' the First said, 'but Madroman didn't do it because it was the right thing to do. He had watched us secretly and did it because he was jealous of Jondalar. But you can understand why I was beginning to wonder if I was letting personal feelings interfere with my judgment.'

'I don't believe you would do that,' Ayla said.

'I hope not. I've had my doubts about Madroman for some time. I think he lacks … something … a certain quality that is necessary to Serve The Mother, but he was admitted for training before I was First. When I originally questioned him about his call, I felt his story was too contrived. Several others thought the same, but some zelandonia wanted to give him every benefit. He's been an Acolyte for so long, and he has yearned to be zelandoni from the beginning. That's why I felt it best to begin with an informal questioning; he has not had his final testing yet. These things you brought may help bring out the truth. That is all I want. He may have a good explanation for them. If so, then he will certainly be acknowledged, but if he is feigning his "call", we need to know.'

'What will you do to him if the words he says are not true?'

'There isn't much we can do, except to forbid him from using any of the knowledge he gained as an Acolyte, and tell his Cave about it. He will be disgraced, and that is hard punishment to bear, but there are no penalties. He really didn't harm anyone or commit any offence, except to lie. Maybe lying should be punishable, but I'm afraid everyone would have to be punished, then,' Zelandoni said.

'Clan people don't lie. They can't. With their way of speaking, it's always known, so they never learned how,' Ayla said.

'That's what you have said before. I sometimes wish that were so with us,' the Donier said. 'That's one reason the zelandonia never allow an Acolyte to be present when we initiate a new zelandoni. It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while one tries to take a shortcut. It never works. We have ways of finding out.'

Several of the zelandonia had come into the shelter while they were talking, including the visiting Zelandonia from the south who were still there. They were both curious and fascinated with the similarities and differences that the distance between them had created. They all chatted casually until everyone was there; then the large woman stood up, went to the entrance, and talked with a couple of newly initiated Zelandonia who were guarding the summer lodge to make sure no one tried to get close enough to listen. Ayla looked around the large summer dwelling.

The double-walled circular construction of vertical panels that enclosed the space was similar to the sleeping lodges, but larger. The movable interior panels had been stacked near the outer walls, in between the raised sleeping places that circled the large space, forming a single large room. Many of the mats that covered the ground were woven with intricate beautiful patterns, and various pads, pillows, and stools used for seating were scattered around near several low tables of various sizes. Most of them were graced with simple oil lamps, usually made of sandstone or limestone, that were lit day and night inside the windowless shelter.

Zelandoni closed the entrance flap and tied it shut, then walked back and sat down on a raised stool in the middle of the group. 'Since it's so late in the season, and your call was rather unexpected, I think the choice should be yours, Ayla. Do you want to submit to informal questioning first? That can be easier to begin with, to get you used to the process. Or do you want a full formal testing?' the One Who Was First To Serve The Mother asked.

Ayla closed her eyes and bowed her head. 'If we just talk about it informally, I'll have to go through it again, won't I?' she asked.

'Yes, of course.'

She thought about the baby she had lost, and felt a stab of grief. She really didn't want to talk about it at all. 'It was … hard,' she said. 'I don't want to go over it again and again. I think I was called. If not, I want to know as much as anyone. Can we just go ahead with it?'

A fire was burning in a fireplace that was slightly off-centre toward the back of the fairly large round space, but the smoke found its way out of the central hole. Water was steaming in a waterbag that had been stretched across a frame and placed directly over the fire. The not-quite-waterproof, partially cured leather from a large animal seeped just enough so that it would not catch fire. The cooking skin had been used before. The outside was blackened and the bottom somewhat shrunk and misshapen from, in effect, being cooked by the boiling water inside and the fire outside, but it was an effective pot for keeping liquid simmering over the hot coals in the hearth.

The One Who Was First took a large pinch of some dried green plant material from a woven bowl and dropped it on the simmering water, then added three more pinches. The rather rank odour it gave off as it steamed was familiar to Ayla. The herb was datura and had not only been used by Iza, the Clan medicine woman who had cared for her, and trained her, it had also been used by the Mog-ur in special ceremonies with the men of the Clan. Ayla was very aware of its effects. She also knew it was not very prevalent in their immediate region. That meant it must have come from some distance away, making it rare and valuable.

'What is the name of that in Zelandonii?' Ayla asked, pointing at the dried material.

'It doesn't have a name in Zelandonii, and the foreign name is hard to pronounce,' the First said. 'We just call it the Southeast Tea.'

'Where do you get it?'

'From our visiting Doniers of the Southern Cave, the Twenty-fourth, from the same person who gave you the herbs we were going to experiment with together. They live near the border of the territory of another people, and have more contact with their neighbours than they do with us. They even exchange mates. I'm surprised they haven't decided to affiliate, but they are fiercely independent, and take pride in their Zelandonii heritage. I don't even know what the plant looks like, or if it's more than one,' the First explained.

Ayla smiled. 'I do. It's one of the first plants I ever learned about from Iza. I've heard several names for it, datura, stink leaf; the Mamutoi have a name that would translate as thorn apple. It's tall, rather coarse, with large strong-smelling leaves. It has big white — sometimes purple — flowers, shaped like funnels that flare out, and bears round prickly, thorny fruits. All parts of it are useful, including the roots. If used wrong, it can make people behave strangely, and of course, it can be fatally poisonous.'

All the assembled zelandonia were suddenly very interested, especially the visitors. They were surprised that the young woman they had met earlier in the summer knew so much about it.

'Have you seen it around here?' Zelandoni of the Eleventh asked.

'No, I haven't,' Ayla said, 'and I have been looking for it. I had some with me when I came. But it's gone and I'd like to replace it. It's very useful.'

'How do you use it?' the visiting Donier pressed.

'It's a soporific; prepared one way, it can be used as an anaesthetic, or when made another way, to help people relax, but it can be very dangerous. It was used by the Mog-urs of the Clan for sacred ceremonies,' Ayla said. It was just these kinds of discussions that she loved best about being in the zelandonia.

'Do different parts of the plant have different uses, or different effects?' Zelandoni of the Third asked.

'I think we should put aside these questions for now,' the First interjected. 'We are here for a different purpose.'

Everyone settled back down, and those who had so eagerly asked questions looked a bit embarrassed. The First dipped out a cupful of the simmering liquid and set it aside to cool. The remainder was passed around to the others, who each got some but a smaller amount. When it was cool enough to drink, the Donier gave the cup to Ayla.

'This testing could be done without this drink, using meditation, but it would take longer. The tea seems to help us relax and get in the right state of mind,' Zelandoni explained.

Ayla drank down the cup of tepid, rather foul-tasting tea and then, along with everyone else, assumed whatever pose was most conducive to meditation, and waited. Ayla was at first most interested in consciously observing how the drink was affecting her, thinking about how her stomach felt, how her breathing was affected, whether she could notice a relaxation of her arms and legs. But the effects were subtle. She didn't notice when her mind wandered off and she found herself thinking about something entirely unrelated. She was almost surprised — if she could have felt surprise — when she became aware that the First was talking to her, in a low, soft voice.

'Are you getting sleepy, Ayla? That's good. Just relax, let yourself feel sleepy. Very sleepy. Empty your mind and rest. Don't think of anything, except my voice. Listen only to my voice. Let yourself be comfortable, relax, and hear only my voice,' Zelandoni droned on. 'Now, tell me Ayla, where were you when you decided to go into the cave?'

'I was on top of the cliff,' Ayla began, then stopped.

'Go on, Ayla, you were on top of the cliff. What were you doing? Take your time. Just tell the whole story in your own way. There's no hurry.'

'The Shortday was already marked; the sun had turned around and was going back, heading for winter, but I thought I'd mark a few more days. It was quite late and I was tired. I decided to stir up the fire, make a little tea. I searched in my medicine bag for the mint. It was dark, but I was feeling the knots to find the right bag. I finally found the one by the strong smell of mint. While the tea was steeping, I decided to practise saying The Mother's Song.' Ayla began to recite the song:

Out of the darkness, the chaos of time,The whirlwind gave birth to the Mother sublime.She woke to Herself knowing life had great worth,The dark empty void grieved the Great Mother Earth.The Mother was lonely. She was the only.

'It's my favourite of all the legends and histories, so I repeated it while I was drinking the tea,' Ayla said, continuing on with the next few verses.

From the dust of her birth She created the other,A pale shining friend, a companion, a brother.They grew up together, learned to love and to care,And when She was ready, they decided to pair.Around Her he'd hover. Her pale shining lover. She was happy at first with Her one counterpart.Then the Mother grew restless, unsure in Her heart.She loved Her fair friend, Her dear complement,But something was missing, Her love was unspent.She was the Mother. She needed another. She dared the great void, the chaos, the dark,To find the cold home of the life-giving spark.The whirlwind was fearsome, the darkness complete.Chaos was freezing, and reached for Her heat.The Mother was brave. The danger was grave.She drew from cold chaos the creative source,Then conceiving within, She fled with life force.She grew with the life that She carried inside.And gave of Herself with love and with pride.The Mother was bearing. Her life She was sharing.

It all seemed so clear in her mind, almost as though she were there again. 'I was bearing, too, sharing my life with the growing life force inside. I felt so close to the Mother.' She smiled dreamily.

Several of the zelandonia looked at each other with some surprise, then at the First. The big woman nodded, indicating that she knew Ayla was pregnant. 'And then what happened, Ayla? What happened on that cliff?'

'The moon was so big, so bright. It filled the whole sky. I felt myself drawn to it, drawn up into it,' Ayla continued, telling how she rose above the land, and how the column of rock glowed, then how she had become frightened and ran down to the Ninth Cave, then headed towards Down River and on to The River. She told how she had walked along a river, like The River but not quite the same, for a long, long time. It seemed like days and days, but the sun never shone. It was always night, lit only by the huge bright moon.

'I think Her shining lover, Her friend, was helping me to find my way,' Ayla said. 'Finally I came to the Place of the Sacred Fountain. I could see the path up to the cave glowing in the light of Lumi, Her shining friend. I knew he was telling me to go that way. I started up, but the path was so long, I wondered if I was going the right way, and then suddenly, I was there, I saw the dark opening of the cave, but I was afraid to go in. Then I heard, "She dared the great void, the chaos, the dark" and I knew I had to be brave, like the Mother, and brave the dark, too.'

Ayla continued her story, and the gathered zelandonia were completely enthralled. Whenever she stopped, or hesitated too long, Zelandoni encouraged her to go on in her low, soothing, unhurried voice.

'Ayla! Here, drink this!' It was Zelandoni's voice, but it sounded so far away. 'Ayla! Sit up and drink this!' The voice was commanding now. 'Ayla!'

She felt herself being raised up and opened her eyes. The big familiar woman held a cup to her lips. Ayla sipped it. It made her realise she was thirsty and she drank some more. The mist was beginning to clear. She was helped to sit up, and became aware of voices around her speaking softly, but with an undertone of excitement.

'How are you feeling, Ayla?' the First asked.

'I have a little headache, and I'm still thirsty,' she said.

'This tea will make you feel better,' the Donier of the Ninth Cave said. 'Have some more.'

Ayla drank it. 'Now I think I have to pass water,' she said, smiling.

'There's a night basket behind that screen,' a zelandoni said, indicating the way.

Ayla stood up, felt slightly dizzy, but it cleared.

'I think we should let her get settled,' Ayla heard the One Who Was First say. 'She has been through a great deal, but I think there is little doubt she will be the next First.'

'I believe you are right,' she heard another voice say. She heard more of the zelandonia talking among themselves, but wasn't listening any more. What did they mean? She wasn't sure she liked hearing them talk about 'the next First'.

When she returned, the Zelandoni of the Ninth Cave asked, 'Do you remember everything you told us?'

Ayla closed her eyes, frowning with concentration. 'I think so,' she finally said.

'We would like to ask you some questions. Do you feel strong enough to answer, or would you like to rest longer?'

'I think I'm awake, and don't feel tired. I would like some more tea, though. My mouth still feels dry,' Ayla said. Her cup was refilled.

'Our questions should help you to interpret your own experience,' the Donier said. 'No one else really can.' Ayla nodded. 'Do you know how long you were in the cave?' the First asked.

'Marthona said almost four days,' Ayla said, 'but I don't recall too much after I first came out. Some people were there waiting for me. They carried me back on a litter, and the next few days are not clear.'

'Do you think you would be able to explain some things to us?'

'I'll try.'

'The ice walls you spoke of — if I remember correctly, you told us once of falling down into a crevasse on your way across the glacier. By some miracle, you landed on a ledge and Jondalar pulled you out. Is that right?' the First asked.

'Yes. He threw me a rope and told me to wrap it around my waist. He attached the other end to his horse. Racer pulled me out,' Ayla clarified.

'Few people who fall into crevasses are fortunate enough to get out. You came very close to death then. It is not uncommon for Acolytes, when they are being called, to experience again those times when they were near the spirit world. Would you say that was a possible interpretation of the ice walls?' the First asked.

'Yes,' Ayla said, then looked at the large woman. 'I didn't think about it before, but that could explain some of the other things, too. I almost died crossing a flooded river on our way here, and I'm sure it was Attaroa's face I saw. She would have killed me for sure if Wolf hadn't saved me.'

'I'm sure that accounts for some of the visions. Though I haven't heard the full story of your Journey here, obviously most people have,' said the visiting Zelandoni. 'But what was that black void? Was it a reference to the Mother's Song or did it have some other significance? You almost had me terrified.' There was some quiet laughter and a few smiles at her comment, but some nods of agreement as well.

'And what about the warm sea, and the creatures burrowing in the mud and in the trees? That was all very strange,' said another, 'not to mention all the mammoths and reindeer, and the bison and horses.'

'One question at a time, please,' the First said. 'There are many things we'd all like to know, but we are in no rush. Do you have any interpretations for those things, Ayla?'

'I don't have to interpret, I know what they are,' Ayla said. 'But I don't understand them.'

'Well, what were they?' Zelandoni of the Third Cave asked.

'I think most people know that when I lived with the Clan, the woman who was like a mother to me was a medicine woman who taught me most of what I know about healing. She also had a daughter and we all lived at the hearth of her sibling, her brother, who was called Creb. Most people of the Clan knew Creb as The Mog-ur. A mog-ur was a man who knew the spirit world, and The Mog-ur was like the One Who Was First, the most powerful of all the mogurs.'

'He was like a zelandoni, then,' the visiting Zelandoni said.

'In a sense. He wasn't a healer. The medicine women are the healers, they are the ones who know healing plants and practices, but it is the mog-ur who calls upon the spirit world to aid in the healing,' Ayla explained.

'The two parts are separate? I always thought of them as inseparable,' the woman unknown to Ayla said.

'You might also be surprised to know that only men were allowed to contact the spirit world, to be mog-urs, and only women were healers, medicine women,' Ayla said.

'That is surprising.'

'I don't know about the other mog-urs, but The Mog-ur had a special ability in the way he called upon the spirit world. He could go back to their beginnings and show others the way. He even took me back once, although he wasn't supposed to, and I think he was very sorry that he did. He changed after that; he lost something. I wish it had never happened.'

'How did it happen?' the First asked.

'There was a root they used, only for the special ceremony with all the mog-urs at the Clan Gathering. It had to be prepared a particular way, and only the medicine women of Iza's line knew how.'

'You mean they have Summer Meetings, too?' the Zelandoni of the Eleventh asked.

'Not every summer, only once in seven years. When it was time for the Clan Gathering, Iza was sick. She couldn't make the trip, and her daughter was not yet a woman, and the root had to be prepared by a woman, not a girl. Although I didn't have the Clan memories, Iza had been training me to be a medicine woman. It was decided that I would have to be the one to prepare the root for the mog-urs. Iza explained how I would have to chew the root and then spit it out into a special bowl. She cautioned me not to swallow any of the juice while I was chewing. When we got to the Clan Gathering, the mog-urs were not going to allow me to make it. I was born to the Others, not to the Clan, but finally at the last moment Creb came for me and told me to prepare myself.

'I went through the ritual, but it was difficult for me and I ended up swallowing some, and I had made a little too much. Iza had told me it was too precious to be wasted, and by then I wasn't thinking clearly. I drank what was left in the bowl so it wouldn't go to waste, and without meaning to, I went into the cave nearby and deep inside I found the mog-urs. No woman was ever supposed to participate in the men's ceremonies, but I was there, and had also swallowed the drink.

'I can't really explain what happened after that, but somehow Creb knew I was there. I was falling into a deep black void; I thought I would be lost in it forever, but Creb came for me, pulled me back. I'm sure he saved my life. The people of the Clan have a special quality to their minds that we don't, just as we have a quality that they don't. They have memories; they can remember what their ancestors knew. They don't really have to learn what they need to know, like we do. They only have to need to know it, or to be "reminded" to remember. They can learn something new, but it's more difficult for them.

'Their memories go back a long way. In certain circumstances they can go back to their beginnings, to a time so long ago, there were no people and the earth was different. Perhaps back to the time when the Great Earth Mother gave birth to her son and first made the land green with her birth waters. Creb had the ability to direct the other mog-urs and lead them back to those times. After he saved me, he took me with him and the other mog-urs back into the memories. If you go back far enough, we all have the same memories, and he helped me to find mine. I shared the experience with them.

'In the memories, when the earth was different, so long ago it is hard to imagine, those who came before people once lived in the depths of the ocean. When the water dried and they were stranded in the mud, they changed and learned to live on land. They changed many times after that, and with Creb, I was able to go there with them. It was not quite the same for me as it was for them, but still, I was able to go there. I saw the Ninth Cave before the Zelandonii lived there; I recognised the Falling Stone when I first arrived. And then I went someplace Creb was not able to go. He blocked out the other mog-urs so they wouldn't know I was there, and then he told me to leave, to get out of the cave before they discovered me. He never told them I was there. I would have been killed outright if they knew, but he was never the same after that.'

There was a silence when Ayla finished. Zelandoni who was First broke the silence. 'In our histories and legends, the Great Earth Mother gave birth to all life, and then to those like us who would remember Her. Who is to say how Doni formed us? What child remembers its life in the womb? Before it is born, a baby breathes water and struggles to breathe when first born. You have all seen and examined human life before it was fully formed, when it was expelled early. In the first stages, it does resemble a fish, and then animals. It may be she is remembering her own life in the womb, before she was born. Ayla's interpretation of her early experience with the ones she calls the Clan does not deny the legends or the Mother's Song. It adds to them, explains them. But I am overwhelmed that those we have called animals for so long would have such great knowledge of the Mother, and having such knowledge in their "memories", how they could not recognise Her.'

The zelandonia were relieved. The First had managed to take what at first seemed like a basic conflict of beliefs, told by Ayla with such credible conviction that it could almost create a schism, and instead blend them together. Her interpretation added strength to their beliefs rather than tearing them apart. They could, perhaps, accept that the ones they called Flatheads were intelligent in their own way, but the zelandonia had to maintain that the beliefs of those people were still inferior to their own. The Flatheads had not recognised the Great Earth Mother.

'So it was that root that brought on the black void and the strange creatures,' Zelandoni of the Fifth said.

'It is a powerful root. When I left the Clan, I had taken some with me. I didn't plan to; it was just in my medicine bag. After I became a Mamutoi, I told Mamut about the root and my experience with Creb in the cave. As a young man, he had once been injured while travelling and a Clan medicine woman healed him. He stayed with them for a while, learned some of their ways, and participated at least once in a ceremony with the men of the Clan. He wanted us to try the root together. I think he felt that if Creb could control it, so could he, but there are some differences between the Clan and the Others. With Mamut we did not go back into past memories; we went somewhere else. I don't know where — it was very strange and frightening. We went through that void and almost didn't return, but … someone … wanted us back so much, his need overpowered everything else.'

Ayla looked down at her hands. 'His love was so strong … then,' she said under her breath. Only Zelandoni noticed the pain in Ayla's eyes when she looked up. 'Mamut said he would never use that root again. He said he was afraid he'd get lost in that void and never return, never find the next world. Mamut said that if I ever used that root again, I should make sure that I had strong protection or I might never return.'

'You still have some of that root?' the First was quick to ask.

'Yes. I found more in the mountains near the Sharamudoi, but I haven't seen any since. I don't think it grows in this region,' Ayla said.

'The root you have, is it still good? It's been a long time since your Journey,' the large woman pressed.

'If it's dried properly and kept out of the light, Iza told me that the root concentrates, gets stronger with age,' Ayla said. The One Who Was First nodded, more to herself than anyone.

'I got a strong impression that you felt the pain of childbirth,' the visiting Zelandoni said. 'Did you ever come near death giving birth?'

Ayla had told the First about her harrowing experience giving birth to her first child, her son of mixed spirits, and the large woman thought that might account for part of Ayla's ordeal of childbirth in the cave, but she didn't think it was necessary to tell everyone.

'I think the most important question is the one we have all been avoiding,' the First interjected. 'The Mother's Song is perhaps the oldest of the Elder Legends. Different Caves, different traditions often have minor variations, but the meaning is always the same. Would you recite it for us, Ayla? Not the whole song, just the last part of it.'

Ayla nodded, closed her eyes, thought about where to begin.

With a thunderous roar Her stones split asunder,And from the great cave that opened deep under,She birthed once again from her cavernous heart,Bringing forth all the creatures of Earth from the start.From the Mother forlorn, more children were born. Each child was different, some were large and some small,Some could walk and some fly, some could swim and some crawl.But each form was perfect, each spirit complete,Each one was a model whose shape could repeat.The Mother was willing. The green earth was filling. All the birds and the fish and the animals born,Would not leave the Mother, this time, to mourn.Each kind would live near the place of its birth,And share the expanse of the Great Mother Earth.Close to Her they would stay. They could not run away.

Ayla had started out rather tentatively, but as she got into it, her voice gained more power; her delivery became more sure.

They all were her children, they filled her with prideBut they used up the life force she carried inside.She had enough left for a last innovation,A child who'd remember Who made the creation.A child who'd respect. And learn to protect. First Woman was born full grown and alive,And given the Gifts she would need to survive.Life was the First Gift, and like Mother Earth,She woke to herself knowing life had great worth.First Woman defined. The first of her kind. Next was the Gift of Perception, of learning,The desire to know, the Gift of Discerning,First Woman was given the knowledge within,That would help her to live, then impart to her kin.First Woman would know. How to learn, how to grow.

Her life force near gone, The Mother was spent,To pass on Life's Spirit had been Her intent.She caused all of Her children to create life anew,And Woman was blessed to bring forth life, too.But Woman was lonely. She was the only. The Mother remembered Her own loneliness,The love of Her friend and his hovering caress.With the last spark remaining, Her labour began,To share life with Woman, She created First Man.Again She was giving. One more was living.

Ayla spoke the language so fluently, most people hardly noticed her accent anymore. They were used to the way she said certain words and sounds. It seemed normal. But as she repeated the familiar verses, her speech peculiarity seemed to add an exotic quality, a touch of mystery, that somehow made it seem that the verses came from some other place, perhaps some other-worldly place.

To Woman and Man the Mother gave birth,And then for their home, She gave them the Earth,The water, the land, and all Her creation.To use them with care was their obligation.It was their home to use, But never abuse. For the Children of Earth the Mother provided,The Gifts to survive, and then She decided,To give them the Gift of Pleasure and caring,That honours the Mother with the joy of their sharing.The Gifts are well earned, When honour's returned. The Mother was pleased with the pair she created,She taught them to love and to care when they mated.She made them desire to join with each other,The Gift of their Pleasures came from the Mother.Before She was through, Her children loved too.

This was the place that the song usually ended, and Ayla hesitated a moment before she continued. Then taking a breath, she recited the verse that had filled her head with its booming metred resonance deep in the cave.

Her last Gift, the Knowledge that man has his part.His need must be spent before new life can start.It honours the Mother when the couple is paired,Because woman conceives when Pleasures are shared.Earth's Children were blessed. The Mother could rest.

There was an uneasy silence when she finished. Not one of the powerful women and men there knew quite what to say. Finally the Zelandoni from the Fourteenth Cave spoke up. 'I have never heard that verse or anything like it.'

'Nor have I,' said the First. 'The question is, what does it mean?'

'What do you think it means?' said the Fourteenth.

'I think it means that woman alone does not create new life,' the First said.

'No, of course not. It has always been known that the spirit of a man is blended with the spirit of a woman to make a new life,' the Eleventh protested.

Ayla spoke up. 'The verse does not speak of "spirit". It says woman conceives when Pleasures are shared,' she said. 'It is not just a man's spirit; a new life will not start if a man's need is not spent. A child is as much a man's as it is a woman's, a child of his body as well as hers. It is the joining of man and woman that starts life.'

'Are you saying that joining is not for Pleasures?' asked the Third with a tone of incredulous disbelief.

'No one doubts that joining is a Pleasure,' the First said with a sardonic smile. 'I think it means that Doni's Gift is more than the Gift of Pleasure. It is another Gift of Life. I think that is what the verse means. The Great Earth Mother did not create men just to share Pleasures with women, and to provide for her and her children. A woman is the blessed of Doni because she brings forth new life, but a man is blessed too. Without him, no new life can start. Without men, and without the Pleasures, all life would stop.'

There was an outburst of excited voices. 'Surely there are other interpretations,' said the visiting Zelandoni. 'This seems too much, too hard to believe.'

'Give me another interpretation,' the First countered. 'You heard the words. What is your explanation?'

The Zelandoni hesitated, paused. 'I would have to think about it. It needs time for thought, for study.'

'You can think about it for a day, or a year, or as many years as you can number; it will not change the interpretation. Ayla was given a Gift with her calling. She was chosen to bring this new Gift of the Knowledge of Life from the Mother,' the One Who Was First said.

There was another buzz of commotion. 'But gifts are always exchanged. No one receives a gift without the obligation of giving one in return, one of equal value,' the Zelandoni of the Second Cave said. 'It was the first time he had spoken. What Gift could Ayla give in return to the Mother that would be of equal value?' There was silence as everyone looked at Ayla.

'I gave Her my baby,' she said, knowing in her heart that the child she had lost was one started by Jondalar, that it was her and Jondalar's child. Will I ever have another baby that will be Jondalar's, too, she wondered. 'The Mother was honoured deeply when that baby was started. It was a baby I wanted, wanted more than I can tell you. Even now, my arms ache with the emptiness of that loss. I may have another child someday, but I will never have that child.'

Ayla fought back tears. 'I don't know how much the Mother values the Gifts She gives her children, but I know of nothing I value more than my children. I don't know why She wanted my child, but the Great Mother filled my head with the words of her Gift after my baby was gone.' Tears glistened in Ayla's eyes as much as she tried to control them. She bowed her head and said quietly, 'I wish I could return Her Gift and have my baby back.'

There was a gasp from several who were gathered. One did not take the Mother's Gifts lightly, nor did one openly wish to give them back. She might be greatly offended, and who could know what She might do then.

'Are you sure you were pregnant?' the Eleventh asked.

'I missed three moontimes, and I had all the other signs. Yes, I'm sure,' Ayla explained.

'And I'm sure,' the First said. 'I knew she was carrying a child before I left for the Summer Meeting.'

'Then she must have miscarried. That would account for the childbirth pain I thought I sensed in her telling,' said the visiting Zelandoni.

'I think it's obvious that she miscarried. I believe the miscarriage brought her dangerously close to death while she was in the cave,' the First said. 'That must have been why the Mother wanted her baby. The sacrifice was necessary. It brought her close enough to the next world for the Mother to speak to her, to give her the verse for the Gift of Knowledge.'

'I am sorry,' said the Zelandoni of the Second Cave. 'Losing a child can be a terrible burden to bear.' He said it with such genuine feeling, it made Ayla wonder.

'If there are no objections, I think it is time for the ceremony,' the One Who Was First said. There were nods of agreement. 'Are you ready, Ayla?'

The young woman frowned with consternation as she looked around. Ready for what? It all seemed so sudden. The Donier could see her distress.

'You said you wanted to have the full formal testing. The understanding is that if you satisfied the zelandonia, you would progress to the next level. You would no longer be an Acolyte. You would leave here Zelandoni,' the First explained.

'You mean, right now?' Ayla asked.

'The first mark of acceptance, yes,' the First said, as she picked up a sharp flint knife.