The Incorporated Knight

XVII – A Surplus of Spouses

Tsudai whipped a wand out of a sleeve of his robe and pointed it at the door. He moved the wand in patterns, muttering.

A marid bustled up, crying; "La! La'!"

Tsudai turned on the demon, pointed the wand, and said: "Rûh! Imshi!"

"Ya shayy!" roared the marid, lunging towards Tsudai with three-fingered talons outspread. As if came within reach, the Serican rapped one of the reaching arms with his wand. There was a crack, a flash, and a smell of something scorched. The marid recoiled. With a cry of "Istannani!" it whirled and fled back down the corridor.

"It hath gone for reinforcements," said Tsudai. "This feeble person cannot hold them all off with little stick. Must summon aid from superadjacent world." He threw back his head and cried in a high voice: "Lungjin! Lungjin zher!"

A crowd of marids appeared in the corridor, running towards Eudoric and the magician. Their hooflike toes clop-clopped upon the marble. Amid the clatter, Tsudai cried out again. The foremost marids halted their charge and flinched back, although the pressure of those behind shoved them forward.

Aware that the marids were staring goggle-eyed at something beside him, Eudoric looked around and also flinched. Next to him, almost touching his shoulder, had appeared the head of a reptilian monster somewhat like Druzhok but smaller, with scales of a vivid vermillion, tendrils sprouting from the sides of its muzzle, and a pair of stubby antlers above its eyes.

As Eudoric watched, the head advanced, followed by a scaly neck, then one five-clawed forefoot, then another. The creature seemed to be crawling through a hole in an invisible barrier between its world and Eudoric's.

As more and more dragon came into view, its scales made an unpleasant scraping sound against the edges of the hole. A pair of hindlegs pushed their way into visibility, and a crested tail scraped after. The new arrival bulked huge in the hallway.

The marids at the forefront shouted and struggled to melt back into the pushing throng, but the pressure of the crowd still drove them onward. The scaly, horned head shot out, and the fanged jaws clamped shut on the foremost marid, which shrieked as it was hoisted high above the floor. There was a horrid sound of crunching bones.

The marids in the rear, at last realizing their danger, ceased to press forward. In a flash, they turned as one and fled down the hall, around a corner, and out of sight.

The dragon tossed the mangled body of the still-struggling demon into the air and caught it as it descended head-first, like a cormorant eating a fish. The reptile jerked its head in a series of colossal gulps; with each gulp, more and more of the marid disappeared until only its hoof-toed feet protruded from the slavering jaws. With a final jerk, these, too, vanished. A bulky bulge traveled slowly down the dragon's throat, merged with the creature's trunk, and disappeared.

Eudoric, a little shaken, asked: "Is that the demon you would have evoked when you were attacked in Letitia, save that you had promised it a holiday?"

"Nay. This person doth not oft evoke the lung, for on this plane I must find aliment wherewith to feed it, lest I risk becoming such myself. That were no small task; but with a whole marid within its belly, my bodyguard should not hunger again for several days." Tsudai addressed the dragon: "Si zhu zher!" He explained: "It will secure us against further interference."

The Serican resumed his work on the lockless door. The second try followed its course without interruption; the wand flashed blue and the door swung open.

"Forthred!" said Eudoric. "Fetch a couple of candles."

When the apprentice returned with two candlesticks, the three went into the cryptic chamber. The light of the candles shimmered on the iron and brass and silver and gold of pieces of magical equipment stored here and there on dusty tables and shelves. But Eudoric's attention was riveted on three life-sized human figures standing stiffly in the center of the room.

When Eudoric moved his candle closer, he saw that one of the trio was the figure of a massive man, stocky of build like Eudoric but larger in every direction. He wore a coat of chain mail and had a huge two-handed sword slung across his back.

The second statue was that of an older man, lean and stooped, whose wispy gray hair and beard framed wrinkled, aquiline features. Were he alive, Eudoric guessed, the man would be in his fifties.

The third, the youngest-looking mannequin, was a tall, slender, blond man garbed in doublet and hose of a gaudy green-and-purple pattern. With surprise in his voice, Eudoric said:

"I know this one: a poet and troubadour, hight Landwin of Kromnitch. He guested at our castle at Arduen a few years past. I thought him a bit of an ass, but I'll warrant he deserved not being turned to a statue. These three must be Yolanda's prior husbands. She told me their names, but I forget."

"The warrior hight Gontran of Tolosa," said the Serican. "The graybeard is Count Sugerius. This person never met either of them but hath heard much about them all. Then your noble self knows of your predecessors? I forebore to speak of them, lest I stir up a whirlwind of strife."

"Are these my lady's three authentic husbands, or simulacra of wax or plaster?"

"The veridical spouses, held fast by a spell of stasis."

"Can they be returned to life?" asked Eudoric. "Yea, that they can. Wouldst do so?"

"Let me consider."

"If they regain consciousness, there might arise discord as to who shall have rights to the lady."

"Hmm," said Eudoric. "Landwin may be a bit of a fool, but he's an amusing fellow who means no harm. Whilst I'm not famous for softness of heart, 'twere cruel to leave these poor abjects hanging betwixt life and death. Restore them, if you'll be so kind."

"Art certain? The responsibility is yours."

"Aye, I'm sure. Proceed, I pray."

Tsudai scratched his straggly gray goatee. "How long have we ere Her Highness return?"

"Perhaps two hours. She said she'd not be back till dinner time."

"Very well, this unworthy one will do his best." Tsudai prowled the room, looking over the magical gear. "Ah, it doth appear that this be what we need. Help this inferior person to move the object."

The object was a kind of multiple brazier, with seven little brass dishes hung by chains from a framework of slender rods of a similar alloy. Tsudai shuffled and puttered and mixed his powders. At last he lit a small fire in the base of the apparatus. As varicolored smoke ascended from the dishes, he mumbled and chanted. Whisking a fan from his purple sleeve, the Serican fanned smoke towards the three ensorcelled husbands.

" 'Tis done," he said at last. "Abide a moment; they will not leap to full vitality at once."

As Eudoric watched, the chain-mailed warrior blinked his eyes and began to stir, at first moving slowly as if his joints had rusted. Then the scholar likewise stirred, and finally the troubadour. Voices came slowly and creakingly from parched throats, the first words pitched so low that they were almost inaudible. At length, slowly, their speech waxed intelligible.

"Where—am—I?" creaked Landwin of Kromnitch.

"What—hath—befallen?" grated Count Sugerius. "Water!"

"Fetch them water, Forthred," said Eudoric. "Who—are—ye—scrowles?" groaned Gontran of Tolosa.

"You have been released from an enchantment," said Eudoric, "which my—which your wife, the Princess Yolanda, cast upon you."

"And who are ye?" said Gontran, glowering.

"Sir Eudoric Dambertson of Arduen. This is the room in Yolanda's palace where she keeps her magical equipment."

"And what do ye here?" persisted Sir Gontran.

"I've brought Yolanda back from captivity in Armoria."

"Where's the hussy now?"

"She's in Letitia but is expected home for dinner."

Gontran's forehead wrinkled in thought. "Count Sugerius! Methinks I know you from aforetime. What do ye here?"

"The same as ye, Sir Gontran. I was her third husband; and when she tired of me, she cast a spell of immobility upon me and set me up here with you and Master Landwin, the sweet singer ye see beside me."

"Sir Landwin, if you do not mind," said the troubadour.

"By the toenails of the Holy Trinity!" roared Gontran. "Meanst that ye twain enjoyed her after my ensorcellment?"

"If'enjoy' be the word precise," said Landwin. "I know not the full tale of your several tenures as Yolanda's husbands, but from mine own experience I'll warrant it was no bed of rose petals. You are Eudoric Dambertson, are you not?"

"Aye. Sir Eudoric, now."

" Tis an unanticipated pleasure to meet you again, if under such strange circumstances. How fare your family?"

"Alive and reasonably well," said Eudoric, "albeit my sire has given up the hunt."

The troubadour turned to the scholar. "Count Sugerius! Your servant, sir. What befell you in wedlock with Yolanda?"

Sugerius replied: "She found the role of a scholar's wife prolixious and took a lover. When I learned of this, in a rage I slapped her. 'Twas as ill-chosen an act as punching the nose of a tigress; she beat me to a jelly ere casting a spell upon me. How was't with vou?"

"Much the same," said Landwin, "but I never struck her. She caught me futtering a chambermaid and threw me out the window; she hath the thews of a blacksmith. I essayed to flee the grounds, but she sent marids after me. Being swifter than greyhounds afoot, they caught me and dragged me back. She threatened to cast upon me a spell of impotence. When I essayed a second time to flee, she did unto me the same as to you."

"I had strife with her, too," said Gontran. "She sought to confine me to this palace, save when we rode abroad together. When I defied her, she bloodied my nose with her fist; wherefore, being a hardened warrior, I knocked her down. Howsomever—Sir Eudoric, what do ye here, in Yolanda's absence? Are ye her hireling?"

"Nay," said Eudoric. "I should have departed for my home in Locania, but that she keeps me mewed up here, guarded by her demon servants."

"And why should she do that?" asked Sugerius. "Are ye her lover?"

"Nay, her current husband. Methinks that—

"By the gods of the Saracens!" cried Landwin. "Four husbands! Here's an intrinse knot to unravel! The Franconian laws permit but one spouse at a time, to my mind a foolish, archaic prejudice. The Saracens are wiser. Sir Eudoric, has it ever come to fisticuffs betwixt you twain?"

Eudoric shook his head. "I was brought up never to strike a woman, albeit at times with Yolanda the temptation has been strong. I daresay I could hold my own in a box match with her, for all that she has the advantage of height and reach, I've seen her knock down a man of my size."

Landwin leered. "Tell me, co-husbands, how found you Yolanda as a bedmate? Come, there's no need for reticence amongst us in the matter."

"I found it interesting," said Sugerius judiciously, "that a woman of so voluptuous a form should seem to have so little interest in the carnal act. She submitted with good grace, but methinks she gat no joy therefrom. I am writing a book on amorous passion in women. How with you, Sir Landwin?"

"I, too, found her cold," said the poet. If you'll pardon my boast, I count myself proficient beyond the moiety in the art of bringing a woman to the vertex of passion; but with Yolanda, I might as well have plied my skills on one of the statues in her gardens. Meseerned her thought was: Hurry up and get it over with, thou apish buffoon! Therefore I sought others who might, I hoped, display more ardor. I had minded less, save that she sought to mew me up here as she did Lord Gontran. Sir Gontran?"

"I pay no heed to such matters," grunted Gontran. "A warrior true hath no time for fancy courtship ere sheathing his blade. I leave such japes to counterfeit knights, who claim the dignity of 'sir' without a single manslaying to their credit."

Landwin's lips compressed and his nostrils quivered at the insult, but he turned to Eudoric. "And you, Sir Eudoric? How fares it with you?"

"It is my opinion," said Eudoric carefully, "that Yolanda's passion be not for the rites of love but for the aggrandizement of power. She submits to her husbands' desire, neither for love nor for lust, but to keep them where she can rule them best. She approved a proposal of the leader of the Jacks, to give equal rights to women."

Gontran snorted. "How utterly ridiculous!"

" 'Tis not at all ridiculous," said Sugerius. "I have deeply studied the female mind. Somewhat to my surprise, I found it, not the same as the male, but on balance quite as able."

With a disdainful sniff, Gontran turned to Eudoric. "Do ye adhere to such nonsense?"

Eudoric smiled. "In foreign lands, I dispute not matters of religion or politics. I fear, howsomever, that Yolanda gives the doctrine of women's equality a bad name."

"Exactly!" said Landwin. "She were never satisfied with mere equality; she'd reduce any man in her grip to total subservience." The poet paused, beating time with a finger, then burst into verse:

"What perplexes me," he continued, "is why, if she care so little for amorous congress, she's so furiously jealous if her man cast a friendly eye upon another. Hath she, think you, a passion to conceive?"

"I think not," said Sugerius. "If none of us four hath impregnated her despite our valiant efforts, either she's naturally barren or employs a spell against conception."

Eudoric: "Meseems 'tis but another aspect of Yolanda's drive for power. If her man fail to tup her often, or a fortiori if his roving eye alight on a rival, he is slipping out of her grasp. That she cannot endure."

"Howsomever," said Landwin, "entrancing though this discussion be, we must needs agree upon which of us shall be husband-in-fact, and that ere her return."

"We could play cards—you have playing cards, have you not?—or throw dice," said Eudoric. "But should the winner be high man or low?"

Sugerius fumbled in his robe and put on his spectacles. Gravely he said: "Ah, Sir Eudoric, I do perceive your import. Each of us might conclude that the pains of union with Yolanda exceed the pleasures. Twere like a foot race, wherein the prize doth go to the last to finish. Ye'd see all the runners hopping up and down on the starting line, each waiting for the others to outdistance him."

"Well," said Landwin, "we could take turns—be husband-of-the-day in rotation, like a relay race. Since she's more than a match for any one of us, belike by confronting her in succession we could wear her down."

"Ye jackanapes!" said the count. "Ye know the court would never permit such doings."

Gontran growled: "A manlier way were to fight it out. We'll choose two pairs by lot, who'll fight to the death. The two survivors shall then meet—"

"Ho!" said Landwin. "That were unfair! The count is well on in years, and I'm a poet, not a bully-rook. You'd cleave me in twain with that monstrous thing you bear!"

"Coward!" sneered Gontran. "Count, ye are the most learned amongst us. Who is Yolanda's legal husband?"

"Certes, ye are! Since your marriage came first and was terminated neither by annulment nor by death, it still abides. The rest of us are but unwitting adulterers, who thought we were wedding a virtuous widow—"

Eudoric interrupted: "But Gontran has been declared legally dead, in consequence of his 'disappearance.' So for that matter have the other twain of you. Were your marriages not ended by this procedure?"

"Under some circumstances, yea," said the count. "But where the spouse averring the disappearance hath actually immured the vanished one, keeping him or her incommunicado, the rule is that of the case of Chararic versus Thrasamund—"

"Adulterers!" roared Gontran, whose mind had at last caught up with the implications of the count's words. "Then ye've made a cuckold of me! By the Three True Gods, this stain upon mine honor must needs be cleansed with blood!'

"Seize him!" shouted Eudoric, hurling himself upon Gontran. He bore the warrior to the floor while Landwin, Sugerius, and Forthred grasped the Tolosan's limbs. Gontran was as strong as a bear; but the combined strength of the four proved too much for him. After he had struggled until he was red in the face, he finally subsided. Gripping Gontran's massive right arm with both of his, Eudoric looked up at Tsudai, who was busy removing magical apparatus from nearby tables to place it out of danger of breakage.

"Doctor! Canst tie him up?"

"This minor person can better that, noble sir. Tell him that, an he be not quiet, I'll put him back into stasis, as he was ere I cast off the spell."

When the thought had been repeatedly explained to Gontran, the warrior yielded. "And we'll borrow that great sword of yours," said Eudoric, pulling it out of the scabbard, "lest in a moment of passion you injure someone."

Gontran subsided, sitting hunched on the floor against a table, muttering: "... stain on mine honor ... stain on mine honor ..."

"Now, gentlemen," continued Eudoric, "what are your plans? Mine is to flee forthwith back to Locania. We had better move yarely, for the hour of Yolanda's return comes on amain and apace. Forthred, pray pack us for departure."

"My palfrey must yet be in Yolanda's stables, unless the poor beast have died," said the count. "I'll find the horse and hie me back to my demesne of Perigez, to complete my doctoral thesis, 'The Incest Motif in Helladic Drama.' It grieves me to leave behind a parcel of my precious books, but one must weigh the alternatives."

"I'd go with you, Sir Eudoric," said Landwin, "had I a horse; since Kromnitch lies nigh to the path to Arduen."

"Good!" said Eudoric. "I have a spare horse for you. That leaves you, Sir Gontran, master of the field, if one can call the fair Yolanda that. Alas! She's a splendid woman in her way; or would be without this passion for tyranny."

"I may depart also, when I've thought about it," rumbled Gontran.

"She would have been king instead of Clothar," said Landwin. " 'Tis pity your laws permit not reigning queens. But if the rest of us flee, Sir Eudoric, why remain you not to tame this proud beauty? Meseems you be the one best qualified for this task, and she's a worthy prize for a hero."

"Gramercy," said Eudoric, "but the liontamer's part becharms me not. It calls for a Sigvard Dragon-slayer or an Erpo Giantkiller; and I do not deem myself fit for that role."

"But think of the perquisites! Think of having a king for patron!"

Eudoric shook his head. "For a while, during our journey, meseemed the adversities of travel would render her a more tolerable companion. But once on her own ground, she waxed as imperious as ever. I went fishing for perch and caught a whale.

"Besides, back home I know a more companionable lass, who if a trifle less beautiful is infinitely more even-tempered."

"That were easy," said Landwin, "since our wife-in-common is the least even-tempered person I've ever known." He picked his lute off a shelf. "I'm ready."

Gontran rumbled: "A word of advice! Honor forbids me to punish you libertines ere ye depart; but guard yourselves if we meet anon upon the road."

"Thankee for the warning," said Landwin, opening the door. Instantly he leaped back with a screech. "By all the fiends, what's this?"

"Doctor Tsudai's pet dragon," said Eudoric. "It will hold off the marids whilst we make our escape. Then he'll return it to its proper world. Come on, everyone!"