Sky on Fire

13 DEAN

I DREAMED OF ASTRID ALL night.

We hadn’t spoken much after Jake went to bed.

Every time I looked at her, my face got painfully hot, so I tried not to look her way too often. She seemed to be giving me some space, too.

But after the kids went to bed, I had a thought.

‘Hey, I’m worried about the gun,’ I said.

‘What gun?’ she asked.

‘Jake has the other gun. The one we got from Robbie and Mr Appleton. I’m scared he might get really depressed and… use it.’

‘Oh God,’ Astrid said, realizing my meaning. ‘You’re worried he has the gun and might kill himself?’

‘I don’t know him as well as you do, obviously. But those drugs are powerful.’

‘Well, he doesn’t have the gun,’ she told me. She was studying her feet.

‘How do you know?’

‘He told me.’

‘Well…’ I exhaled, suddenly frustrated with him. ‘Where is it? What did he do with it?’

Astrid let out a short, hard laugh.

‘He gave it to some girl.’

And she edged away from me. She still wouldn’t look me in the eye.

I started to feel bad, really bad, about what had happened between us.

I mean, dear God, had I forced her? She seemed as eager as I was, but in an O state, who knows. I had killed in that state – I was sure I could do a terrible thing to a girl.

Had I?

I felt sick.

And as tired as I was, sleep didn’t come easy.

I always thought losing my virginity would be a life-changing thing. At the very least, I thought I’d feel relieved.

But instead of relief, I felt guilt and worry.

And, on top of it all, was there a chance we’d hurt Astrid’s baby? I mean, ugh… I was in way over my head.

In my dreams I saw Astrid, saw her on top of me, naked and too golden and gorgeous for reality. Her belly glowing like starshine – growing moment by moment until it was huge and her cries of plea sure became cries of pain. Labour pains?

And in another dream I saw the guy with the pallet loader. I saw all the details I hadn’t taken in while enraged. The look of fear in his grey eyes. The way he’d called for mercy.

And the two scenes got muddied up and it was Astrid I was cutting open and it was the guy with the loader who was in Astrid’s belly.

And then Astrid was whispering on my neck.

‘Wake up,’ she said.

She was in my berth.

I shook my head awake.

I wasn’t dreaming it – she was really there.

‘What is it?’ I asked. My heart was hammering wildly. Was it the wall? Jesus, we should have been watching the wall!

‘I just want to talk to you,’ she told me.

She had a pen-size flashlight pointed at the floor.

I saw she was wearing pink pajamas and had bare feet. She was shivering and she looked so beautiful I thought my heart might stop.

We went out to the Kitchen to talk.

I grabbed a fleece for myself, and for her a sweater I’d worn a few times.

We sat down at a two-top in the Pizza Shack.

I saw the brass fire pit Astrid had set up. It was shiny new and filled with a couple Duraflame logs. Somehow the sight of it made me sad. It looked so shiny and hopeful.

‘Astrid, I feel so bad about what happened,’ I blurted out. ‘It was wrong and if I had been stronger it never would have happened.’

‘No,’ she said with a wry set to her mouth. ‘I knew you’d be feeling all guilty. Look, we didn’t mean to do what we did but it’s not bad or wrong. It’s not even our fault. Jake and I had an open kind of thing – no commitment. We are free to do whatever we want.’

‘Oh,’ I said. I sat back in my chair. ‘Okay.’

‘The only thing I regret about what we did is that I think Jake saw us and I am worried about him. What you said about him committing suicide… I don’t know. We need to watch him.’

She chewed on her lip for a moment.

Then she looked at me and smiled, glancing away. I think she was sort of blushing, even.

‘But as for this afternoon? I thought it was… awesome.’

My heart had some kind of a seizure.

‘But I… I feel like I forced you. Did I force you?’ I said.

Now she looked shocked.

‘No!’ she exclaimed. ‘Did I force you?’

‘No, I mean, I wanted to do what we did. Very, very much. It’s just…’

I didn’t know what to say.

‘Dean, can I ask you something?’

I blew out a big breath of air. I knew what she was going to ask.

‘Was it your first time?’

The blush that hit me could have melted paint. I think I started stammering.

Astrid reached out and grabbed my arm.

‘It’s okay!’ She laughed. ‘Everyone has a first time.’

I tried to laugh, but I still felt really embarrassed.

‘It’s just not everyone who has a first time under the influence of a deadly chemical warfare compound,’ she added drily.

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘It’s gonna be hard to top it, frankly.’

We both laughed.

I scratched my head. I think even my scalp was beet red.

Then Astrid leaned over and kissed me.

It was a soft kiss. Her lips parted just a bit as she pressed them against mine.

I kissed back, my mouth feeling strong pushing against hers. She was answering me with her mouth and it was a quiet, sweet yes.

And then she pulled back gently.

‘That should have been our first kiss,’ she said quietly.

I sat for a moment, taking it all in.

‘There’s no reason why it can’t be our first kiss,’ I answered her. ‘This could be, I don’t know, the official start of Us.’

‘Dean—’ she started to protest.

‘Astrid, you know how I feel about you. I’m crazy about you—’

‘Dean, no. Not now.’

‘Why? I’m good for you. You said it yourself, I’m a good guy. I would never leave you like Jake did—’

‘Dean! Listen to me. If Jake confronts us, I’m going to say it was a huge mistake. I’m going to say it was just the compounds.’

‘But why?’

‘Look, maybe I have a little crush on you right now. But Jake’s the father of my baby. And he’s in really bad shape. He needs me. You said it yourself, he’s depressed. He could be suicidally depressed! He probably needs the promise of… of being with me, if he’s going to make it through this disaster.’

‘That doesn’t make sense.’

‘It does to me,’ she said.

‘It’s not fair!’ I protested, probably sounding like a dumb kid.

She laughed bitterly. ‘What about any of this is fair, Dean?’

Then she squeezed my hand.

‘I’m sorry.’

And she rose to walk away.

I sat back in my chair.

‘That’s it? End of discussion?’

‘For now,’ she said.

It seemed outrageously unfair. When he was the king of the hill – the most popular, the most handsome – Jake got to be with Astrid. And now he was going to get to be with her because he was a pathetic mess.

When she liked me.

Me.

I stood up and headed back toward the berths.

No way was he going to win this one. I didn’t know how it would play out, but I wasn’t letting Jake get Astrid without a fight. And you know what, it felt good to have something to fight for, besides the old garden variety survival.

I couldn’t get back to sleep so I made everyone a big breakfast.

A little crush on me.

Astrid had a little crush on me.

Was it wrong to feel a heart-spike of happiness in the middle of the Apocalypse?

I carried the food over to the Kitchen, and lit the fire in Astrid’s fire pit.

The kids were excited when they saw the fire pit. It was something new.

They had stopped asking us about being rescued, I’d noticed. I’d stopped even thinking about being rescued. We all just stayed in the moment.

Jake came over, walking like he had a hangover.

He took a big bowl of oatmeal and a big mug of coffee with creamer.

Astrid came, dressed in my blue sweater and a pair of jeans. Was it some kind of message to me, the sweater?

Was I supposed to be placated by it?

The kids got their oatmeal.

‘Cinnamon spice?’ Chloe complained. ‘Are we out of peaches and cream flavour?”

‘If you can find it, you can make it for yourself,’ I told her.

‘Nah, I’ll just eat this.’ She sighed benevolently.

‘Yeah, you’re welcome,’ I said.

‘Jake, I have to tell you something,’ Astrid announced. She sat down opposite him at the table.

Jake took the fireplace poker and jabbed at the Duraflame burning in the centre of the brass fire pit. ‘Save it. I already know.’ He scowled. ‘I saw.’

‘Saw what?’ Caroline asked.

‘It’s not about that,’ she said. ‘That was just an accident. We’re Os. It just happened.’

‘What just happened?’ Caroline asked again.

‘I have news for you,’ Astrid barrelled on. ‘Good news.’

Jake set down his plastic spoon and looked up at her.

‘We getting rescued?’ he said bitterly.

‘I’m pregnant,’ Astrid said.

Jake just stared at her.

‘What?’ he asked.

‘I’m going to have your baby, Jake.’

She pulled up her sweater – my sweater – and showed him her belly.

Jake saw the rise now.

Once you saw it, you couldn’t miss it.

‘How far?’ he croaked.

‘Four months,’ she said.

‘You’re gonna have a baby?’ Caroline gasped.

Astrid nodded. A smile played on her lips.

The kids squealed. They jumped up, so delighted. So happy. They hugged her and danced around.

Astrid laughed and let them have their moment, but her eyes kept flickering toward Jake.

Jake roared with happiness and jumped up. He swept Astrid into a big hug and kissed her.

I’d had enough.

I walked away.

‘What’s wrong with Dean?’ I heard Henry ask.

‘He’ll be okay,’ Astrid said, loud enough for me to hear.

Sure, sure, I’d be okay.

The girl I loved, who loved me back or at least liked me back, was going to get back together with her manipulative, depressed, drug-addicted boyfriend.

Also, the world as we knew it had ended and add to that the fact that I had killed a man. That one kept creeping up on me.

I went to look at the hole. I wanted to take down some shelf-boarding from the Accessories Department and put it up over the hole as a layer of extra protection.

That’s when I heard the noise.

Something was rattling in the storeroom.

‘Hello?’ I called into the dark space.

I shined a flashlight around.

There was the shattered Operations Centre, with the useless panels that had once controlled our power, air, and water.

There were the two lifeless bodies near the wall in their matching floral shrouds.

Boxes of merchandise spilled their guts here and there.

Empty pallets in a messy stack against the gate, next to the intercom.

Everything was in its place.

The rattle came again and it wasn’t coming from the loading bay gate.

It was coming from the hatch.

I stormed back to the Kitchen. They were all gathered there, lingering over the breakfast that I had cooked for them.

‘Jake!’ I shouted. ‘Did you leave the ladder hanging down from the roof?’

‘What?’ Jake asked, looking befuddled.

‘Did you leave the ladder hanging down from the roof when you left us, three days ago?’

‘No,’ he protested. ‘Alex hauled it up after me. I’m not stupid and neither is your brother.’

‘Well, there’s someone up on the roof now. And they want in.’

‘Who are you?’ Jake hollered through the hatch. He had insisted Astrid take the kids to the Train. She had agreed, much to my surprise.

The hatch was padlocked, thank God. I had checked it the day before.

‘We’re just some kids,’ the voice said.

It did sound like a kid.

‘Please let us in. It’s scary out here.’

Now, that sounded a little like sarcasm. Jake and I exchanged a look. We stood on the metal staircase, crammed together, under the hatch.

‘How did you get up there?’ Jake hollered.

‘What?’ the voice said. ‘We can’t hear you.’

Whoever he was, it sounded almost like he was laughing.

Jake and I shared an uneasy look.

‘How the hay’d they get up there?’ Jake murmured.

‘We need to talk to you. We have a message from your other friends.’

‘What other friends?’ I shouted.

I’d put on a mask, of course, in case we decided to open the hatch.

‘What other friends?’ Jake repeated.

‘The ones with the bus.’

I stared at Jake.

‘You have to let us in!’ the voice demanded. ‘We have Brayden with us!’

Jake and I scrambled to open the lock.

Not for a second did we think it might be a trick.

‘Brayden!’ Jake screamed. ‘How did you find Brayden?’

We pushed open the hatch, and three guys were standing in the beam of our flashlight. They had guns.

They wore dark uniforms. Dirty and ragged. Their faces were uncovered. One of them wore a beret and had some gold cords going under his arm. He was the leader, there was no question.

‘Hi!’ he said, cheerful as could be. ‘Thank you so much for letting us in!’

Then he kicked Jake in the chest.