Savage Drift

CHAPTER FORTY JOSIE

He stands up and paces back and forth until I tell him, in strong words, that I don’t want to spend our night together planning some futile escape.

He won’t hear it.

He’s sure there’s a way out.

But I take him by the hand.

And this is what I say:

“Niko. I gave the doctor my word. I signed the release forms. And I did that knowing the risks. Just like you came to find me, knowing the risks. And maybe I will die tomorrow or maybe you will die tomorrow. That was always the risk. Every day we have lived, that’s been the risk, we just didn’t know it.”

I sit on the bed and make him sit next to me.

He is crying, and that is fine.

“I love you, Josie,” he tells me.

“I love you, too, Niko.” And I mean it. I drink in his perfect silhouette. The colors of his skin and hair.

“Niko,” I say. “Hold me. Be with me and somehow we will never leave this moment. Can’t we do that? Can’t we love each other enough that nothing else can touch us? Can you love me that much?”

“I already do,” he says. And he kisses me.

He kisses me hard and we lie back on the bed. We are kissing and crying and I am learning that bodies can express what words cannot. I see his hands are shaking as he lifts his shirt over his head. Mine are, too, as I unsnap my thin blue gown. The air makes my skin prickle in goose bumps, then Niko lies down on me and our bodies warm each other. We melt together.

His hands are tentative at first, but we find our way.

Then there is a knock at the door.

It seems too early to me.

“Are you decent?” comes a woman’s voice.

“Not really,” I say, and it is true. We are both naked. Niko sits up, his thin back straight and tall. He pulls on his filthy clothes at the edge of the bed. We have showered, but there is no way to get those clothes clean.

He will always be the same, Niko, and that makes me happy. I know he’ll sit on the edge of the bed at ninety and pull on his pants in the same dignified way. He will always hold himself straight and tall. He is unchangeable and that is something I now understand that I love about him.

I discover I am shaking.

Niko has his T-shirt on by the time Sandy comes in.

“Sandy,” I say. “You came back.”

“Mmm-hmmm. Had to meet your friend. And wanted to be here for you. It’s good for you to be as calm as possible for the procedure,” she says, but she won’t meet my eyes.

“It’s okay,” I tell her. “I’m going to be fine.”

My mind is sure I’m doing what is right but my heart is up in my throat.

“There has to be a way to get out of this.” Niko’s voice is quiet and urgent. “Can you tell them she can’t do it? She’s sick? Can’t you think of something to get her out of this?”

Two orderlies come into the room.

“We’re to take you back to the waiting area,” one of them says to Niko.

“I’m staying with her!” Niko protests.

“It’s okay, Niko,” I say but there is a scuffle as Niko tries to grab for me and one of the orderlies reaches out and claps a big hand on his shoulder.

“Now, now. Don’t go upsetting the girl. Calmer she is, better everything goes,” the orderly says.

“Tony’s right, hun,” Sandy says. “Don’t make this hard for Jojo. This is just a standard procedure and when it’s done, y’all get to leave. Think of that!”

“No!” Niko shouts. “Josie, please! Don’t let them take me away! Tell them you won’t do it if I’m not there!”

He grabs my arm and holds me to him. I can feel his body trembling with anger and fear. It is strange to feel so resigned and distant from him, when we’d just been so close.

I wrap my arms and hug him, trying to think of how to say good-bye. How to get him to let me go.

Dr. Cutlass bustles in then, looking at a chart in his hands.

“What’s the holdup? Come on, guys!” he snaps. He takes a breath and you can see him trying to rein in his impatience. “Good morning, Josie, and good morning, Niko. The OR is prepped and ready. I’d like to move forward.”

“I want to come with her!” Niko says.

Dr. Cutlass looks at Niko, measuring his level of agitation.

“Fine,” he says. “You can accompany us to the OR. Will that make you happy?”

“No,” Niko spits. “Let her go. That will make me happy.”

“This is a routine medical procedure,” Dr. Cutlass responds coldly. “You two are overreacting in epic proportion.”

We march out into the hall, our whole party.

And people, to my eye, seem to move out of our way as Dr. Cutlass, Niko, Sandy, and the two orderlies all escort me to the OR.

The calm in my mind is starting to be overturned by the alarm signals from my body.

I look down. Niko is holding my one hand and Sandy is holding my other.

And I see that Sandy has a tissue in her other hand.

She is using the tissue to blot at the corners of her eyes.

Sandy believes she is walking me to my death.

And then panic hits me.