Ruler of the Realm

Ninety-one

Henry’s face was on fire. ‘I did what?’ he exclaimed.

‘That’s not the worst of it,’ said Fogarty. His face was unsmiling as ever, but there was a glint in his eye that might have meant he was enjoying this.

‘What’s the worst of it?’ Henry asked with trepidation.

‘You tried to get her to mate with you,’ Fogarty said.

There was a war on and the world was falling apart around them, but since there was nothing they could do about it, Fogarty and Henry had gone to Fogarty’s lodge where they were drinking Analogue tea from a dwindling supply while Fogarty brought Henry up to speed on what had happened to him.

Henry was not enjoying the experience.

He stared at Mr Fogarty, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Eventually he squeaked, ‘ Mate? ’

‘What don’t you understand?’ Fogarty asked. ‘Your parents forgot the talk about the birds and bees?’

Henry’s hand had begun to shake so he set down his mug. ‘I couldn’t have,’ he said.

‘You could according to Blue. And you did. I don’t know what you’re making such a fuss about – I thought you fancied her.’

‘I did – I do! But -’ He picked up his mug and set it down again immediately. ‘I respect her!’ he blurted out.

Maybe it was his tone, but Mr Fogarty’s face softened. ‘Look, Henry, you can’t take this stuff personally. Beleth had you fixed. You didn’t know what you were doing. From what Blue says, the implant turned you into a demon.’

After a minute, Henry said, ‘Like… with horns?’

‘Oh, for God’s sake, Henry!’ Mr Fogarty exclaimed impatiently.

When Mr Fogarty was appointed Gatekeeper of the Empire, his official residence became the Gate Lodge of the Purple Palace, an imposing structure by any criterion. But since he’d moved permanently into the Realm, he’d gradually turned it into as much of a tip as the little house Henry was looking after. The room they were in at the moment was almost a replica of his original back kitchen, complete with rusting old tin biscuit boxes and half-finished bits of electrical machinery.

Henry said, ‘Well, I don’t know, do I? I can’t remember any of this!’ He didn’t mean to, but the last few words came out in a wail.

Mr Fogarty waved a hand. ‘You weren’t yourself, and Beleth has a breeding programme.’

It was almost unbearable. He loved Blue so much and all the time he kept getting into stuff like this with her. Jeez, the first time he saw her, she had no clothes on, stepping into a bath. She had to think he was a complete pervert by now. Henry wondered if he shouldn’t just go home and never come back to the Faerie Realm again. If he stayed and this sort of thing kept happening, she’d hate him for sure.

‘Mr Fogarty -’ he began.

But Mr Fogarty cut him short. ‘Nutshell, OK?’ When Henry nodded, he went on, ‘This is flying saucer business, Henry. You study that like I have and you know the demons have a breeding programme -’

‘I thought it was aliens who had flying saucers,’ Henry said, bewildered. ‘You know, from outer space and stuff.’

‘Same thing,’ Fogarty said shortly. ‘Demons… aliens… same thing. Christ, Henry, you were abducted. They do that. They’ve been doing it in our world for years. I’ve told you about this before, if you’d just take your thumb out of your ass and listen. What the hell do you think they abduct people for? All the selfappointed experts will tell you there’s something wrong with their genes and they want to improve the stock, but it’s a lot worse than that. They’re infiltrating us, Henry. They make babies with human women, then put them into positions of power when they grow up. They look like ordinary people, but they’re actually demons in human form.’ He glanced behind him and lowered his voice. ‘Half the Cabinet, Henry, and don’t get me started about the Yanks – they’ve lost most of their Senate.’ He fixed Henry with a gimlet eye. ‘Now they want to do the same in the Realm. They thought they’d start with you and Blue.’

‘Me and Blue?’ Beleth turned him into a demon so he could have a baby with Blue and the baby would grow up to be the next Purple Emperor and Beleth would have a demon on the throne? Henry thought he was about to vomit, but it was as much embarrassment as disgust. He didn’t want to hear the details, but he had to hear them anyway. This was so bad it couldn’t get any worse. ‘And I actually asked Blue to… to… you know…’

‘Yeah, you did,’ said Mr Fogarty.

‘What did she say?’ Henry heard his mouth ask.

Mr Fogarty looked at him without expression. ‘She didn’t tell me.’

After a moment Henry said, ‘But we didn’t do anything?’ If they did anything, he would have to leave the Realm. He could never face Blue again. He could never face himself again. He’d have to join a monastery.

‘Did quite a lot from what I gather,’ Mr Fogarty told him. ‘You killed a demon, for one thing. Wrung its neck or something.’

That was so stupid he didn’t even bother questioning it. ‘We got away.’

‘Oh, yes.’ Mr Fogarty gave him a ridiculous nod and wink. ‘You’re a bit of a hero, Henry.’

But he wasn’t a bit of a hero. He wasn’t any sort of a hero. How could he ever face Blue again after what he’d done to her? Beleth had turned him into a monster.

Henry stopped. When had he turned back? ‘Mr Fogarty,’ he said, frowning, ‘if the implant turned me into a demon, how come I helped Blue escape?’

‘They deactivated it,’ Mr Fogarty said. ‘They reckoned Blue would know it wasn’t you when you tried to jump her bones, so they switched it off.’ His mouth twitched slightly as if he was trying to suppress a smile. ‘Beleth figured the two of you would get it on of your own accord if he just left you alone long enough. Do his dirty work for him.’ The smile actually appeared now. ‘That’s really something, Henry. People must be talking about you and Blue all the way to -’

But Henry was still frowning. ‘Wait a minute, Mr Fogarty.’

‘- Hell!’ Fogarty concluded.

Henry said, ‘There’s something wrong.’