Remember Yesterday

18

I manage to avoid Logan for the next seven days. I focus my energies instead on my clandestine visits to Callie, on the memories I send into her mind. I choose only the good ones. Like the moment I returned from the wilderness and saw my mother for the first time. I barreled down the hall and took a running leap into her arms. She was laughing and smiling and crying, all at the same time, and I was certain I had never seen anyone so beautiful in my entire life.

Like my first date with a boy. It was the anniversary of the Underground’s truce with ComA, and he took me to dinner at a Meal Assembler café. I chose a café that served different varieties of tartare, thinking it sounded sophisticated. My dinner turned out to be a mound of raw beef—with a raw egg on top. I tried to eat it, I really did. But the texture was too much for me, and when I looked up, I saw that my date had hidden half of his dinner under a lettuce leaf, too.

Like the time I dove off the cliff behind the TechRA building into the roaring river below. Ryder and I inspected the area carefully, and we dipped a chain in the water to measure the depth. I even brought along a first aid kit. The most thrilling part was the jump itself. I stood erect at the edge of the cliff, my knees bent and my arms overhead. I swept my arms down and out, driving forward with my legs. Gravity pulled me into a vertical position, the wind rushing along my body, and I felt for one infinitesimal moment that I was with Callie once again.

I send all of these memories and more, and my sister’s vitals improve with each one. The memories distract me from the needle that Tanner plunged into my arm, drawing a vial of my blood. They distract me from the fact that my mom’s retreated further into herself and our relationship is more strained than ever, in spite of the fact that she accompanies me on every other visit to see Callie. The memories distract me from my promise to Mikey.

But at the end of the week, the first person I see when I return to the compound from a visit to the TechRA building is Logan.

And he’s not alone.

In the long straightaway running through the middle of our compound, a woman balances on a board hovering a few inches off the ground. Logan has a hand on her hip, steadying her, while he gestures in the air with his other hand. She leans over to kiss his cheek—which sends the board shooting out from underneath her. She tumbles into his arms, and they both fall to the ground, a tangle of limbs.

I dislike her on sight.

Logan’s eyes are lit with laughter. He looks…happy. Oh Fates, I want him happy. There was a time I would’ve given up all my safety gear if only he would snicker at one of my jokes.

But now, seeing him with this girl, while knowing Callie is still alive, feels like a stake through my heart.

Logan glances up and waves. I wave back, but I don’t go over to them. I can’t. I’m just not up to meeting my sister’s replacement right now.

Logan says something to his date, and then he jogs over and gives me a big hug. “Hey, there. How’s my favorite girl?”

“Okay.” I shrug. “Keeping busy, you know, with school and all.” Not a lie, but not the whole truth, either.

“I’m glad you’re here.” We walk down the straightaway. The concrete is gray and smooth, and interlocking tracks of magnets lay underneath it. I’m wearing my hovershoes, with flecks of metal mixed into the soles, and each step fuses me briefly to the ground, before I break the suction with my next step.

“I’ve been thinking about what you and Angela said,” he says, shortening his stride to match mine. “And you’re right. My memory’s not much proof that Callie’s still alive.” He pauses, and I know he’s come to a big decision. One I’m not going to like, even though I encouraged it myself a couple of weeks ago. “I think…it’s time to start living again. I like Ainsley. I’ve known her for a long time, and she has a kindness in her, an inherent goodness you can’t fake.”

We walk a few more paces. Step, stick, wrench out. Step, stick, wrench out. A regular rhythm, but not a comfortable one. Kinda like my heart. Kinda like my life.

“I will never forget Callie, and I will never stop loving her,” he bursts out. “But she isn’t here anymore, and she hasn’t been for a very long time. I think she’d want this for me.”

“Of course she would.” I study my high-top sneakers, the silver laces, the special soles that help me stick a landing. That’s Callie. That’s always been Callie, thinking of others first.

He takes a deep breath. “I’d like to have your blessing to be with Ainsley.”

“Wha—?” Shock cuts the word in half. “Logan, don’t be ridiculous. You don’t need my blessing for anything.”

“I don’t need it. I would like to have it. You’re the closest thing I have to Callie herself. It would mean something if you approved.” His voice drops. “It would mean that Callie would’ve approved, too.”

I fight to relax the muscles around my eyes and mouth. Oh, Logan. She’s not in another realm. She’s lying here, only a few miles from where we’re standing. You could be holding her hand in thirty minutes. All you’d have to do is go to your brother. All I’d have to do is tell the truth.

But the infinite sky above me is the same one that covered Jonas. It heard the escalating rumble of the rocks, it smelled the dust kicked up by the horse’s hooves. It understands the dangers of loving someone too much and for too long. And now that Mikey’s told me his story, it’s become part of my life, too. I can’t forget it any more than my arms and legs. I can’t let Logan turn into my mom, not if there’s something I can do about it.

“What do you say, Jessa? Do I have your blessing?” He sounds so sincere, so earnest. So much like the brother I never had, so much like the sister I had for too short a time. In a way, he’s both those things for me—brother and sister. Maybe even parent, too.

I grab my temples. The sun blinds me, and my head spins with all this endless blue. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Who is right? What is wrong? What would Callie do?

My breath comes faster and faster. I see spots in my vision, and my fingers begin to tingle. “Sure, Logan,” I blurt out before I hyperventilate or faint. “Whatever you want. Of course you have my blessing.”

It is the coward’s way out. I have not so much made a decision as delayed it. But it’s like what Mikey said. Give it a few weeks. There’s no hurry.

In this case, time is on my side.

Logan goes back to Ainsley, and I walk along the wall of the compound, trying to clear my head. As I pass the gate, I catch a flash of black hair and a white lab coat over a thermal shirt and cargo pants.

I do an about-face and open the door. “Tanner, is that you? What are you doing here?”

He steps over the threshold, his eyes steady, his lips resting against each other. He’s not frowning, but he’s not smiling, either. “I offered to walk you home. You refused.”

“So you followed me?” I ask, outraged.

“It’s not like it was my choice,” he says evenly. “Preston’s orders. Now that we’re asking you to come to TechRA every day, he feels responsible for you. Wants to make sure you get home safely.”

Oh. I flush. That’s sweet of Preston, even though I’m the last girl who needs an escort home. I lived in the wilderness for six years without a parent, and I’ve been getting myself around Eden City for the last four.

“Sorry I’m such a burden,” I mutter, not looking at him.

He puts a finger under my chin and tilts it up, so that I’m looking into his eyes. They’re dark and intense—and so damn-the-Fates inscrutable. Just once, I’d like to know what he’s thinking.

“I never said you were a burden, Jessa.”

For a moment, my heart stutters, suspended somewhere between beats. But he doesn’t continue. He never said I was a burden, but he doesn’t say I’m not one, either. He doesn’t say he likes me or enjoys my company. Probably for one good reason. It’s not true.

“Well, you’ve confirmed that I’m here, safe and sound. So you can go now.”

“Actually, I wouldn’t mind having a tour of the compound.” He looks over my shoulder, taking in the orderly rows of units with their shiny solar panels and the moving sidewalk that winds between them. “When I was here last time, Mikey met me at the gate at the crack of dawn, and he marched me straight to his house. Guess he didn’t want anyone to see me.”

I chew on my lip. On the one hand, I know exactly why Mikey took him straight home. The Harmony community doesn’t allow in many outsiders, particularly scientists—Mikey’s position notwithstanding. We may live in civilization now, but there’s always been a clear “us” and “them.”

On the other hand, Tanner was here to do Mikey a favor. To build a playpen for his daughter. It sucks that he was made to feel inferior—even if he is the most superior person I know.

What’s more, I remember the look in his eyes when he found out I’d been withholding information from him. Information that might be able to salvage his experiments. He’d been pissed, sure. But there had also been a sliver of hurt, an edge of betrayal. I’m not that girl who thinks only about herself. Who offers to help others only when there’s something in it for her.

At least I don’t think I am. I may not be as selfless as Callie, but I’m not a terrible human being, either.

For some inexplicable reason, it kills me to think he might believe otherwise.

Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what he thinks. He’s barely spoken to me all week—and when he did, it always consisted of polite civilities.

Except once.

Two days ago, we passed the cardinal-haired woman in the hallway, the one who helped me get into the elevator capsule. She twisted the data-chip ring on her finger and mouthed, He’s cute. Immediately, I lunged into Tanner, wrapping myself around him. His torso was solid and warm—and pressed against mine. My mouth went dry, and my heart fluttered in my chest like a butterfly caught in a cage. I lifted my eyes, and they locked with his gaze. We stared at each other for what seemed like forever—and then the woman giggled and walked away.

He raised one of his eyebrows.

“I…uh, tripped,” I blurted out. “Sorry about that.”

“If you wanted to grab me, all you had to do was ask,” he said.

That was the first time he’d said anything personal to me all week. This is the second.

Without another word, I step to the side so that he can walk farther into the compound. Immediately, he zeroes in on Logan and Ainsley, still messing around with the hoverboard, and I know he must’ve seen my conversation with Logan.

“Who’s that?” he asks curiously. “Your ex-boyfriend?”

“Fates, no.” Why is he asking? Would he care if Logan were my ex? Would it matter if I were dating someone right now?

No, of course not, I tell myself sternly. I’m not his type, remember? And he’s not mine. I’m not interested in scientists, even if they build playpens for sweet babies. Even if their hands are remarkably gentle when they comfort you after a crying fit. I’m not.

I don’t think.

Aw, fike. This line of thinking isn’t going to get me anywhere. “Logan’s way too old for me,” I say. “Besides, he’s like my family. He was…my sister’s boyfriend.”

“Ah. I thought his name sounded familiar.” He opens his mouth, as if to say more, and then snaps it shut again.

“It’s not like he’s forgotten about Callie,” I say defensively. “I didn’t tell him she was in a coma, and he’s moving on. He’s finally happy. I can’t ruin that for him.”

I turn to stomp away, but he catches my hand.

“Hey,” he says softly. “There’s no judgment here. I was just asking.”

Our eyes meet. I still can’t figure out a damn thing he’s thinking, but for the first time since the mouse bit me, my stomach stops sloshing and my nerves become still. He makes me feel, in this one infinitesimal moment…not safe, exactly, but understood. And that’s about as safe as I can feel in a world where Chairwoman Dresden has power.

“Slumming with scientists?” A voice intrudes my thoughts.

I look up. For the first time, I notice that passersby on the straightaway are shooting us—and, in particular, Tanner’s white lab coat—dirty looks. The guy who spoke is a couple of years older than me. I don’t know him well. He wasn’t part of the original Harmony but is the son of a woman who was.

“Come on, Jessa. I expected better from you,” the heckler continues.

I flush and pretend I don’t hear him. And hope to Fates Tanner doesn’t, either. “You sure you still want this tour?”

Tanner grins, and I realize that he has a dimple right in the middle of his chin. “Of course. Unless you’re scared?”

“S-Scared?” I sputter. “Fates, no.”

I get to decide with whom I spend my time. Not this heckler I barely know. If I want to hang out with a scientist, then I will.

To my surprise, I actually do want to hang out with Tanner.

Since Ryder’s been grounded from seeing or talking to me, I’ve been a bit lost. Floating around my cottage, going from one room to another as though my best friend will magically appear. It would be nice to have company for the afternoon.

“Come on,” I say. “I know the perfect place to begin our tour.”