Paperbacks from Hell [N.F. - Literature, Art]

Kids can be a handful, especially if they aren’t actually kids (The Next), control reality via a dollhouse (Kate’s House), or catch on to the fact that you’re practicing human slavery (The Sky Children). But as long as you keep them away from leaded gasoline (Childmare), don’t let them grow monster arms (The Moonchild), and don’t kidnap them (Prissy), you should survive. Credit 39

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Some crossover exists between poorly parented children and children who are inappropriately violent for no good reason, but it’s best to stay out of the way of either type. Same for children in possession of psychic powers.

The most important thing to remember is that it is not your fault. Many children are born evil and must be taught to be good. As the famous French writer Alain Robbe-Grillet said, “What do little girls dream about? Knives and blood.” Or, as Erma Bombeck said, “A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.” For example, after he has murdered a news anchor by shooting him in the face (The Children) or as he’s lighting your wife’s teenaged lover on fire (Tricycle).

Some parents will feel helpless. “How can I possibly stop my child from murdering strangers with a hammer because she thinks they are demons from hell?” you might wail (Mama’s Little Girl). Fortunately there are some practical, commonsense steps you can take to lower the body count. Most important, try not to have sex with Satan. Fornicating with the incarnation of all evil usually produces children who are genetically predisposed to use their supernatural powers to cram their grandmothers into television sets, headfirst. “But how do I know if the man I’m dating is the devil?” I hear you ask. Here are some warning signs learned from Seed of Evil: Does he refuse to use contractions when he speaks? Does he deliver pickup lines like, “You live on the edge of darkness”? When nude, is his body the most beautiful male form you have ever seen, but possessed of a penis that’s either monstrously enormous, double-headed, has glowing yellow eyes, or all three? After intercourse, does he laugh malevolently, urinate on your mattress, and then disappear? If you spot any of these behaviors, chances are you went on a date with Satan. Or an alien.

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Even if, despite these precautions, you have given birth to the spawn of Satan, all is not lost. Look on the bright side: deadly children are the best-dressed children. A coat and tie on your wee whippersnapper (Seed of Evil) says either “tiny funeral director” or “psychopath.” A young lady wearing a bow at her neck or wearing a lacy party dress reads as either “I am a living Victorian doll,” or “I will murder you the minute your back is turned.” Some parents try to deal with the difficulties of dressing homicidal children by sending them to a school that requires them to wear a uniform, which is an excellent idea. Nothing looks smarter, or more fashionable, than hordes of schoolchildren dressed in matching navy blazers rampaging across the British countryside, slaughtering everyone in sight (Childmare).

Last, but not least: never be home on Halloween. For some reason, that’s when the little cherubs absolutely lose their minds. Disregard these warnings and end up like the town of Elliot, Pennsylvania, where, in Piper (1987), hundreds of children under the age of thirteen, dressed as adorable witches, pirates, and cowboys, murder three thousand adults one All Hallow’s Eve. On the glass-half-full side, the whole town works together and brings their psychotic progeny under control, with local Vietnam and Korean War vets teaming up to machine-gun the little ankle biters into kibble.

As they say: it takes a village.

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