Paperbacks from Hell [N.F. - Literature, Art]

Parenting the Homicidal Child

As long as they belong to someone else, homicidal children can be a joy. They’re highly accomplished, respectful to those they’re not murdering, and when they’re finally arrested, you’re left feeling that much better about your own little underachievers, whose terrible table manners suddenly seem like a testament to their normalcy rather than your poor parenting.

But what to do if the sinister suckling lives under your roof? How does one parent the homicidal child? First, make sure that what you’re dealing with is in fact a child and not just, say, a slow-growing adult who shaves his pubic hair to appear prepubescent (The Next). Second, it’s important to determine what kind of homicidal child you have:

a) adopted (The Godsend, 1976)

b) chemically altered (Childmare, 1980)

c) possessed (The Moonchild, 1978)

d) reincarnated (The Children, 1982)

e) poorly parented (Mama’s Little Girl, 1983)

f) inappropriately violent for no good reason (Prissy, 1978)

g) in possession of psychic powers (The Savior, 1978)

h) Satan spawn (Seed of Evil, 1988)

Adopted or chemically altered children should be destroyed immediately because they cannot be reformed. No matter how hard you try, they probably will, at some point, go on a rampage and murder all your other children. Possessed children are usually pawns of a revenge-seeking spirit and, helpfully, often come with instructions for how best to lay the spirit to rest and return your child to normalcy, albeit with a few murders on the little angel’s rap sheet. Reincarnated children are tricky. Seek professional help.

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