One of Our Thursdays Is Missing

9. Home

I had the most curious dream,” mused Sprockett as soon as I had rewound him completely, “in which I was a full-hunter silent repeater. There was also this gramophone—you know, one of those windup varieties—and she was running overspeed and playing ‘Temptation Rag.’ And then there was this monkey hitting cymbals together, and I—”

He checked himself.

“I’m frightfully sorry, ma’am. My protocol gearing can become a bit gummy during deactivation. You are not offended by my drivel?”

“Not in the least. In fact, I didn’t know machines could dream.”

“I dream often,” replied the butler thoughtfully. “Mostly about being a toaster.”

“Dualit or KitchenAid?”

He seemed mildly insulted that I should have to ask.

“A Dualit four-slot, naturally. But perhaps,” he added, his eyebrow pointer clicking from “Indignant” to “Puzzled,” “I only believe I dream. Sometimes I think it is merely a construct to enable me to better understand humans.”

“Listen, I should warn you about Pickwick,” I said as we walked up the garden path.

“What is a Pickwick?”

“It’s a dodo.”

“I thought they were extinct.”

“They may yet become so. She’s trouble, so be careful.”

“Thank you, ma’am. I shall.”

I pushed open the front door and was met by the sound of laughter. Carmine was sitting at the table with Bowden Cable and Acheron Hades, two of the other costars from the series. They were all sharing a joke, or at least they were until I walked in, when everyone fell silent.

“Hello, Thursday,” said Bowden, whom I’d never really gotten along with, despite the fact that his counterpart in the RealWorld was one of Thursday’s closest friends. “We were just telling Carmine the best way to play Thursday.”

“The best way is the way I play her,” I said in a firm yet friendly manner. “Dignified.”

“Of course,” said Bowden. “Who’s your friend?”

“Sprockett,” I replied, “my butler.”

“I didn’t know you needed a butler,” said Bowden.

“Everyone needs a butler. He was going to be stoned, so I took him with me.”

“What do cog-based life-forms get stoned with?” asked Bowden in an impertinent manner. “Vegetable oil?”

“Actually, sir,” intoned Sprockett, “it’s sewing-machine lubricant for a mild tipple. Many feel that the exuberant effects of 3-in-One are worth pursuing, although I have never partaken myself. For those that have hit rock bottom, where life has become nothing more than a semiconscious slide from one partial winding to the next, it’s WD-40.”

“Oh,” said Bowden, who had been put firmly in his place by Sprockett’s forthrightness, “I see.”

“Hmm,” said Acheron, peering at Sprockett’s data plate with great interest. “Are you the Duplex-6?”

“Five, sir. The Six’s release has been delayed. A series of mainspring failures have put beta testing back several months, and now I hear the Six has pressure compensation issues on the primary ethical escapement module.”

“What does that mean?”

“I have to admit I’m not entirely sure, sir. The main problem with clockwork sentience is that we can never understand the level of our own complexity—for to do so would require an even greater level of complexity. At present we can deal with day-to-day maintenance issues, but all we can ever know for sure is that we function. We tick, therefore we are.”

Pickwick asked me how I thought we could afford such an extravagance, but the real disapproval came from Mrs. Malaprop.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Sprockett,” she said coldly. “I hope you are fully aquatinted with the specific roles of mousecreeper and butler?”

“Indeed, Mrs. Malaprop,” replied Sprockett, bowing low. “And I don’t require much space—I can easily fit in the cupboard under the stairs.”

“You will knot,” replied Mrs. Malaprop with great indignation. “ I am resizing there. You may have the earring cupboard.”

“Then with your permission I shall go and repack,” announced Sprockett.

“You mean you’re leaving?” I asked.

“Repack my knee bearings,” he explained. “With grease. Knees, despite much design work, continue to be the Duplex-5’s Achilles’ heel.”

And leaving us all to muse upon his odd choice of words, he departed.

“At least try to be nice to him,” I said to Mrs. Malaprop when he had gone. “And I want you to order some oils of varying grades to make him feel welcome—and make sure all the clocks are kept wound. Cog-based life-forms take great offense at stopped clocks.”

“As madam washes,” replied Mrs. Malaprop, which was her way of telling me to get stuffed.

“If you don’t need us, we’re going to go and rehearse Acheron’s death scene on the roof of Thornfield Hall,” said Carmine.

“You’ll need to unlock Bertha,” I replied, handing her the key. “And don’t forget to put the bite mask on her.”

I watched them go with an odd feeling that I couldn’t describe. Despite my being the protagonist, most of the characters were already here when I took over, and few of them were happy with my interpretation of Thursday, even though it was the one that Thursday herself had approved. They had all preferred the sex-and-violence Thursday who’d turned a blind eye to the many scams they had had cooking. Because of this, I hadn’t really gotten on with any of them. In fact, the out-of-book relationship with the rest of the cast could best be described as barely cordial. Carmine seemed to get on with them a lot better. I shouldn’t have minded, but I did.

“She’s going to be trouble, that one,” said Pickwick, who was doing the crossword while perched on the dresser.

“All she has to be is a good Thursday,” I murmured. “Everything else is immaterial. Mrs. Malaprop?”

“Yes, madam?”

“Did you put anything in my pocket this morning? For a joke, perhaps?”

“ Joke, madam?” she inquired in a shocked tone. “Malaprops always keep well clear of potentially hummus situations.”

“I didn’t think so. I’ll be in my study. Will you have Sprockett bring in some tea?”

“Very good, madam.”

“Pickwick? I need the paper.”

“You’ll have to wait,” she said without looking up. “I’m doing the crossword.”

I didn’t have time for this, so I simply took the paper, ripped off the crossword section and handed it back to her. I ignored her expression of outrage and walked into my study and shut the door.

I moved quietly to the French windows and stepped out into the garden to release the Lost Positives that the Lady of Shalott had given me. She had a soft spot for the orphaned prefixless words and thought they had more chance to thrive in Fiction than in Poetry. I let the defatigable scamps out of their box. They were kempt and sheveled but their behavior was peccable if not mildly gruntled. They started acting petuously and ran around in circles in a very toward manner.

I then returned to my study and spent twenty minutes staring at Thursday’s shield. The only way it could have gotten into my pocket was via the red-haired gentleman sitting next to me on the tram. And if that was the case, he had been in contact with Thursday quite recently—or at least sometime in the past week. It didn’t prove she was missing in the BookWorld any more than it proved she was missing in the RealWorld. I had only a telephone note, a husband’s tears and the word of a murderer.

“Your tea and shortbread, ma’am,” said Sprockett, placing the tray upon my desk. “A very comfortable house you have. I must confess that in a weak moment, and quite against your advice, I lent that odd-looking bird twenty pounds for her kidney operation.”

“I warned you about Pickwick,” I said with a sigh. “She doesn’t need a kidney operation, and her mother isn’t in ‘dire straits,’ no matter what she says.”

“Ah,” replied Sprockett. “Do you think I might be able to get my money back?”

“Not without a lot of squawking. Is Mrs. Malaprop causing you any trouble, by the way?”

“No, ma’am. We agreed to arm-wrestle for seniority in the house, and even though she attempted to cheat, I believe that we are all square now.”

“I was given this by someone on a tram,” I said, passing the real Thursday’s shield across to Sprockett.

His eyebrow pointed to “Puzzled,” then “Thinking,” then “Worried.”

“That would explain the ease by which I escaped the stoning in Conspiracy.”

“And later, getting out of Poetry.”

“I don’t recall that.”

“You were dreaming about gramophones. Can you call the Jurisfiction front desk and ask for Thursday Next? Tell them it’s me and I need to speak to her.”

Sprockett stood in the corner to make the calls. A request like this would be better coming from my butler.

“They tell me that she is ‘on assignment’ at present,” replied Sprockett after talking quietly to himself for a few seconds.

“Tell them it’s the written Thursday and I’ll call again.”

I wondered quite how she could be on assignment without her shield and idly turned over the newspaper. I stopped. The banner headline read, FAMED JURISFICTION AGENT TO LEAD PEACE TALKS. Thursday was due to table the talks on Friday, less than a week away. All of a sudden, her “absent” status took on a more menacing angle. If she was missing now, things could get very bad indeed.

For the past three years, Racy Novel and its leader, Speedy Muffler, had been causing trouble far in excess of his size, readership or importance. Sandwiched precariously between Women’s Fiction and Outdated Religious Dogma, with Erotica to the far north and Comedy to the south, the large yet proudly anarchic genre had been troublesome ever since it was declared a member of the Axis of Unreadable along with Misery Memoirs and Celebrity Bio. Muffler, stung by the comparison to voyeuristic drivel or the meaningless nonadventures of celebrities, decided to expand his relevance within Fiction by attempting to push out his borders. The CofG responded to his aggression by transferring Lady Chatterley’s Lover out of Racy Novel and into Human Drama, then moving The History of Tom Jones to Erotica. Sanctions soon followed that prevented anyone from supplying Racy Novel with good dialogue, plot or characterization. This did nothing to appease Speedy Muffler, and he claimed that the sanctions were preventing him from developing as a genre—quite against BookWorld law and the Character’s Charter. The trouble was, Muffler and Racy Novel couldn’t be ignored, since they were amongst the major exporters of metaphor. When Muffler claimed to possess a dirty bomb capable of hurling scenes of a gratuitously sexual nature far into Women’s Fiction, the BookWorld finally took notice and the peace talks were set. Thursday Next would be the chief negotiator, and she had good form. When Scandinavian Detectives threatened to cede from Crime, it was she who brought them back.

“You seem perturbed,” remarked Sprockett. “Is anything the matter?”

“I have reason to believe that the real Thursday Next might be missing,” I replied guardedly. “And that’s not good for all sorts of reasons.”

“Has she gone missing before?” asked Sprockett.

“Many times.”

“Then it’s probably one of those . . . again.”

I hoped he was right, but even if he wasn’t, I wasn’t quite sure what could be done about it. I was an underread A-8 character with no power and less influence. Besides, Jurisfiction was doubtless onto it. Commander Bradshaw, the head of Jurisfiction, was one of Thursday’s closest friends.

There was a knock on the door, and Mrs. Malaprop came in.

“Miss Next? There awesome gentlemen to see you.”

“Who are they?”

“They didn’t give their gnomes.”

The visitors didn’t wait either, and strode in. They weren’t the sort of people I wanted to see, but their presence might well reinforce my theories about Thursday. They were the Men in Plaid.

Several things seemed to happen at once. Sprockett’s eyebrow quivered at Mrs. Malaprop, who got his meaning and knocked over an ornamental vase, which fell to the floor with a crash. The Men in Plaid turned to see what was going on, and at that very moment Sprockett grabbed Thursday’s shield from the desk and threw it hard into the ceiling, where it stuck in the plasterboard. By the time the Men in Plaid looked back towards us, Sprockett was tidying my papers on the desk.

“Good afternoon, gentlemen,” I said in a friendly tone. “What can I do for you?”

Like trousers, pear pips, twins and bookends, MiP always came in pairs. They were without emotion and designed to ensure that no personal ambiguity would muddy their operating parameters. MiP were designed to do what they were told to do, and nothing else.

“So,” said the Man in Plaid, “you are Thursday Next A8-V-67987-FP?”

“Yes.”

“Date of composure?”

“Third June, 2006. What is this about?”

“Routine, Miss Next,” said the second MiP. “We are looking for some property stolen from a leading Jurisfiction agent, and we thought you might be able to help us. I won’t mince my words. We think you have it.”

I resisted the temptation to look up. The shield was in plain sight, embedded in the ceiling. “Do you want me to try to guess what you’re after, or are you going to tell me?”

The MiP exchanged glances.

“It has come to our attention,” said the taller of the two,

“that someone’s been waving the real Thursday Next’s Jurisfiction shield around. That person used it to get out of Poetry an hour ago. Were you in Poetry today, Miss Next?”

I wasn’t supposed to be there, so the answer had to be no. “No.”

They stared at me. “The officers involved told us that someone of your description had a robotic butler in the trunk of a taxi. Do you still deny this?”

I looked at Sprockett, who stared impassively ahead.

“There are probably hundreds of robotic manservants in Fiction,” I replied, “and all of them are technically luggage. But since automatons are incapable of misstatements, why don’t you ask him yourself?”

They did, and Sprockett could answer without lying that he had absolutely no knowledge of the trip at all.

“Perhaps it was Thursday herself,” I suggested. “Have you asked her?”

There was, perhaps, a subtle change in the Plaids’ demeanor. But if she was missing, as I supposed, they weren’t going to let on.

“How about Conspiracy?” asked the smaller Plaid. “We have a report from Elvis561 that someone looking a lot like Thursday and holding her Jurisfiction shield rescued a mechanical man from stoning.”

“That was definitely me,” I said. “I was on JAID business.”

They both stared at me. It was highly uncomfortable.

“Then you did have her shield?”

“I used my JAID shield. Here.”

I passed it across, and they stared at it. It was nothing like a Jurisfiction shield.

“The Elvis must have been mistaken,” I continued. “There is a certain degree of inbuilt hyperbole to the genre that might generate outrageous claims, wouldn’t you agree?”

I stared at them intently as I tried to read their expressions, but their emotionless construction made them impossible to penetrate. They probably didn’t do well at singles bars but would doubtless be able to play poker at tournament level.

“Very well,” said the first Man in Plaid. “We will leave you for now. One more thing: A call to Thursday Next at Jurisfiction was traced to this book not ten minutes ago. Was there a reason for this?”

“I have a new understudy,” I explained. “I thought Thursday might like to give her a few tips on how to play her. If you see her, will you pass my message along?”

“We’re not messengers,” said the second Plaid, and they left without another word.

There followed a moment of silence. I had just lied to the Men in Plaid, which was illegal, and even if they thought I was telling the truth, my being on their radar was probably not conducive to good health. But one thing that did cross my mind was this: If Thursday was missing, the Men in Plaid had been ordered to find her, and they didn’t yet know of the connection between me and the red-haired gentleman.

But I didn’t have any time to muse on it further, as I heard the Read Alarm go off. Somewhere in the Outland, a reader had picked up one of my books. Luckily for us, things can happen instantaneously in the BookWorld, so I dashed through to the kitchen to find Carmine already dressed and ready to go. I half thought of taking over, but I had to let her give it a whirl sooner or later.

“It’s barely teatime in the Outland,” I said, glancing at the clock. “Someone must be taking a break. Are you ready?”

Carmine nodded.

I turned to Mrs. Malaprop, who was monitoring the progress of all the readings on a circular screen that plotted in word-for-word detail which readers were where, and in what book.

“It’s a slope oak,” she said. “ Lost in a Good Book, page 133, SpecOps Twilight Homes. I’ll contract Granny Next.”

She flipped a switch on the intercom, and her voice echoed around the series on the intercom.

“Hear this, hear this. Would Granny Next please pro-seed Toe-wads TN2, P133.”

“An easy scene,” I said, turning to Carmine. “How’s your Ping-Pong?”

“Not bad.”

“It doesn’t matter. Granny Next will crush you anyway.”

“What is a ‘slope oak’?”

“She means ‘a slow poke.’ It’s what we call readers who’ve been working their way through the series at a snail’s pace. When they falter—which they often do—you should try to alter your dialogue for simplicity. You’ll feel their ReadRate increase when you do, and we aim only to help. The reader is everything, yes?”

She looked up at me and bit her lip nervously.

“The reader is everything,” she repeated. “But you’ll step in if there are more then twenty concurrent reads, won’t you?”

Being read simultaneously was often described as like trying to visit everywhere in Paris at the same time during rush hour. The simile was lost on me, but I made a point of never wanting to visit Paris, real or imaginary.

“Don’t worry,” I told her, “you’ll be fine. We’ve got at least four hours before the other readers come onstream. Take a deep breath and repeat the first person’s credo: ‘Pace, Atmosphere, Plot, Prose, Character.’”

“Pace, Atmosphere, Plot, Prose, Character.”

“Good. Give them hell.”

And she gave me a wan smile and headed off towards the SpecOps Twilight Homes, which were cemented just between Thornfield Hall and the interior Skyrail set. With an odd feeling, I watched her go. I liked the time off, but I liked being Thursday, too—even if it was to an audience of only one.

“Here,” I said, passing the Snooze access codes to Mrs. Malaprop. “Keep a close eye on her.”

“This is a last resort, yes?” asked Mrs. Malaprop, who licked kittens probably more than most.

“Last resort. Call me and I’ll come running.”

I walked out of the kitchen. There was work to be done.