Kronk

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Time passed, and the parasitic spirochete P 939 travelled far, creating its own subtly hidden bacterial empire, moving in mysterious ways its wonders to perform. Time passed, and Brother Peter’s message of Perfect Universal Love also continued to expand and, like its tiny bacterial ally, was no respecter of race, colour, creed or religion. Millions of people throughout the world became promiscuous, then gluttonous, then tranquil and then loving.

The suicide rate among statesmen, politicians, generals, dictators, revolutionaries and all manner of con men rose alarmingly. Economists, financiers, churchmen and historians (at least, those who remained celibate recluses — and there were still some) gloomily predicted the end of civilization.

At the General Assembly of the United Nations, the representative of the People’s Republic of China made a major speech. Before the world, and on behalf of his great country, he pleaded guilty to aggravating the global population explosion, fomenting revolution in capitalist countries, stealing territory from the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, supplying western countries with fifty billion cans of chow mein, thirty billion cans of fried rice and a million tons of vacuum-packed sweet and sour pork all unfit for human consumption. And on behalf of the Chinese Communist party, he also pleaded guilty to starving the prolific peoples of seven rebellious Chinese provinces, to over-indulgence in the cult of personality in the case of the Mao Tse Tungs One, Two and Three, and to the persistent spreading of empty slogans thinly disguised as distillations of political philosophy.

In reparation, his country offered to sterilize one hundred million Chinese peasants, buy no more cigars from Cuba, allow fifty million qualified Chinese cooks to emigrate to the West, give Mongolia to Russia and Tibet to Tibet, and order twelve million five hundred thousand of the most dedicated members of the Chinese Communist Party to eat their first edition Thoughts of Chairman Mao.

American retaliation was swift and efficient. The President of the United States ordered a vast and hastily assembled task force to steam at top speed for China. It consisted of ten aircraft carriers, twenty nuclear-powered submarines, and thirty supertankers. Even before the task force arrived, one thousand American bombers completed five successful missions over the mainland of China with only one casualty — a plane brought down in the sea shortly after take-off by an unusually belligerent albatross.

The bombers made their first run over Peking. They dropped five thousand tons of oral contraceptives, five million fresh frozen ready-to-cook chickens, ten million packets of chewing gun, two thousand tons of sugar, one thousand tons of freeze-dried coffee, one hundred tons of cream, fifty tons of cosmetics, and five tons of marijuana.

Later the task force delivered a further twenty thousand tons of contraceptives, two million tons of canned food, five thousand tractors and ploughs, ten million tons of solid and liquid fertilizers, one hundred million frozen turkeys, two thousand million hamburgers, ten completely portable maternity hospitals and two hundred volunteer Chinese-speaking American psychiatrists.

The Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party resigned and offered to help rebuild a Tibetan monastery. The President of the United States was made an honorary Qualified Chinese Cook (Second Class) and had his face on the cover of Time for the third time in three months.

In Berlin one hundred crack East German athletes challenged one hundred crack West German athletes to a wall-smashing contest — hand and sledge-hammers only. The centre of the Wall was carefully determined. The East Germans then started at one end, the West Germans at the other. The East Germans won by low cunning, the liberal consumption of East German vodka and by six metres thirty centimetres of Wall.

The West Germans acknowledged defeat gracefully, and then drank the victors under the table. West Berlin overflowed into East Berlin. East Berlin overflowed into West Berlin. The Volkspolizei resigned to a man. The chairman of the council of state of the German Democratic Republic defected to the West and fulfilled a lifelong ambition by becoming a pastrycook in Munich. The seventy-five year old chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany died of a heart attack through over-exertion in his promiscuous phase.

The President of the Republic of Israel invited all heads of Arab states to hold their Pan-Arab Conference and fund-raising activities for a third Jehad in Tel Aviv. The President of Egypt declined, the President of Syria accepted, the President of Algeria declined, the President of Libya accepted and there were several don’t-knows, among them the King of Jordan. As an unfortunate result of this well-intentioned act on the part of Israel, four Arab states declared war on each other. Although fighting remained negligible, feelings rose quite high.

For the first complete year in the history of sport, no referees were injured by flying objects, shot or lynched on any South American football field.

For the first complete year in the history of sport, more than fifty per cent of all international games, contests and tournaments ended in agreed draws.

In Switzerland, Brother Peter was offered the Presidency, and declined. In France, Brother Peter was offered the Presidency, and declined. In Italy, Brother Peter was offered the Presidency, and declined. In Spain he was given a suspended jail sentence for indecent exposure in that he did wear nothing but a loincloth on the Costa del Sol. In the U.S.A. he consented to become the first honorary half-Russian Governor of California in memory of his dear departed brother.

By this time, the Perfect Universal Love movement, existing on entirely unsolicited funds, had become big business, challenging even the might of Romaprot. Throughout Christendom, computerless P.U.L. tabernacles (lacking even such elementary facilities as central-heating, rest-rooms, pools, baths and restaurants) were doing almost as much trade as the big Romaprot churches and cathedrals.

Brother Peter became surrounded by campaign-managers, accountants, public relations officers and even a few disciples. After a successful tour of Europe, during which he toppled two governments he did not desire to topple and received many millions of francs, D Marks and lire he did not want, his campaign managers decided he would launch a P.U.L. campaign in England, where he did not particularly wish to go.

All he wanted to do now was to go somewhere quiet — like a wilderness, if indeed any were left — be alone and meditate. But, as his accountants assured him with great conviction, Perfect Universal Love had certain moral obligations.