I Will Fear No Evil

21

The occupation of the Oklahama State House by the People's Agrarian Emergency Government continued. The Martian Manned Field Laboratory reported finding artifacts (age 1.4 X 10^6 plus/minus 14% years) indicating extinct human-equivalent intelligence. A second report signed by the Chinese members of the expedition denied that the exhibits were artifacts but were simply automatic and instinctive by-products (analogous to coral rings, or to honeycombs) of sub-intelligent life closely related to the anaerobic life now present on Mars. The International Flat Earth Society in annual convention in Surrey, England, passed its usual sanctions on any national government wasting taxpayers' money on alleged "space travel."

The suicide rate was up for the nineteenth successive year, as were also rates for death by accident and by violence. World population appreciation passed 300,000 persons per day and continued up, with six babies born every second vs. 2.5 persons dying each second, for a net gain of seven people every two seconds.

A hen in Izard County, Arkansas, laid an egg with the Sign of the Cross on it. A spokesman for the Treasury Department, speaking off the record, announced that the Administration would not push the Administration bill for total abolition of paper currency in favor of universal credit cards and computer accounting. "We must face the fact," he told the Washington Press Club, "that black market transactions, bribes, and other quasi-legal exchanges are as much part of our economy as is interest on the National Debt, and that to create conditions which would make these voluntary exchanges impractical would bring on a depression the country could not stand. To put it poetically, gentlemen, the small amount of physical currency still in circulation—only a few billions—is our lubricant for the gears of progress. You have my assurance that the President recognizes this truth."

The First Satanist Church, Inc., (forty-four branches in California, five in other states) brought suit in Federal Court for relief from "discriminatory taxation." The First Disciple stated: "If other churches aren't badgered and taxed and investigated concerning their sacred objects, a Glory Hand should enjoy the same protection—that's American as apple pie!" Reno again repealed its ordinance for licensed prostitution. The City Manager stated that the fees weren't sufficient to pay the inspectors... and besides, there wasn't all that much commercial prostitution anyhow since the closing of the Federal Youth Training Center.

The Rally for Human Beings gained speed in its drive to fold, spindle, and mutilate computer cards and drop them into the nearest mail box—despite arrests by Postal Inspectors there was almost no cooperation by local police and no jury had brought in a verdict of guilty no matter how compelling the evidence. The Post Office's Chief Inspector stated that the mutilated cards were almost always bills and that, so far, no mutilated checks or money orders had been reported—and that the government bad no great interest in the matter but he was getting damn sick and tired of the country's mailboxes being used as trash baskets.

The chairman of the Rally for Human Beings answered that the country's mailboxes had been trash baskets for years and both the Postmaster General and Congress knew why. The traffic computer for downtown Houston went into spastic breakdown during the evening rush hour, leaving thousands of people stranded on the streets overnight; the estimated deaths exceeded seven thousand, including heart stoppage, smog poisoning, and mugging, but excluding suicide. The Southern States Automobile Assurance Companies Trade Association repudiated all claims based on the incident on the theory that deaths or injuries in stationary vehicles were not covered by the (fine print).

The Lunar Colonies dedicated two more superlarge "balanced-aquarium" Food Caves, the George Washington Carver and the Gregor Mendel, and the Commission again announced an increase in subsidized out-migration quota but again with no relaxation in standards (the injunction against the Commission issued by Mr. Justice Handy of the United States Supreme Court was quietly ignored on the grounds of no jurisdiction). The common stock of Las-Vegas-in-the-Sky continued to move up against the downward trend of the Market: most investment advice peddlers remained bullish basing their expectations on past correlations between weather, the Market, and women's styles. The Interstellar Advisory Subcommittee to the Lunar Commission settled on Tau Ceti rather than Alpha Centauri for the first attempt. Jodrell Bank lost touch with the Manned Pluto Probe. The (official) casualties in Ukraina dropped below the (official) casualties in Matto Grosso—and in both places the dead did not argue

"—whereas ‘id' is not a scientific concept; it is merely the first syllable of ‘idiot!' ... as my esteemed colleague should know best" "—will be order in the courtroom."

"—let me cite the incontestable conclusions of that great scientist—" "garbage in, garbage out! Any graduate assistant can draw pretty graph~ and make half-bright conclusions from irrelevant data." "may I ask my esteemed colleague to repeat that slur outside the court­room?" "—Bailiff is directed to keep order during—"

("Jake, with any luck we'll get this so fouled up that nobody can play left field.")

"—with those bright lights. Don't shine them in my eyes, or KPOX will lack your services a few days." "—inquire of the Court whether esteemed Counsel has any serious purpose in subjecting the Court and these spectators to the offensive sight of this grisly carcass?" ("—can't stand it myself, Jake; did I really look that bad? I still think we should take a dive on this." "Hush, dear, Mac knows what be is doing and so do I.") "—respectfully suggest that the witness himself should be conclusively identified before his testimony can be used to identify another person." "—State and County. This set of prints I am now projecting on the screen you have just seen me take from the cadaver marked exhibit MM. I will now compare them with prints supplied by Veterans Administration Archives and previously marked as exhibit JJ, using jump-stereo superposition—" "—personally take those photographs which you now hold and which have been tentatively marked as exhibit SS, numbers one through one hundred twenty-seven?"

"—will not be cleared. This will be a public hearing. But the Court will take time to sentence for contempt as needed, and Evelyn, you can start by putting that spectator, that one, the woman with the glasses and the fright wig, on ice for ten days. Get her name, give it to the Clerk, take her away. Any more morons who can't keep quiet? You back there, eating a candy bar; stuff it into your pocket, this is not a lunchroom."

"Is Counsel for the challenged party suggesting that this is not José Branca?" "Goodness, no, I'll help identify him if you need me. I'm simply urging that you lay a proper foundation." ("Jake, Joe looks ghastly. I must go see him as soon as this nonsense is over." "Do you think that is wise?" "I don't know, Jake. But I know that I must.")

"Look around you, Mr. Branca. Tell the Court—tell the Judge, that is——whether or not your wife is in this room?" "Not here!" "Mr. Branca, look where I am pointing." "Not here, I told you!" "Your Honor, we are faced with a reluctant witness. It becomes necessary to lead him." "Very well. But Counsel is reminded that he cannot impeach his own witness." "Thank you, Your Honor. Mr. Branca, I am pointing at this young woman, look at her closely. I have my hand on her shoulder—" "Keep your hands to yourself! Judge, if he puts a hand on me again, I'll bite it!" "Order. Counsel, it is not necessary to touch the challenged party, and you will not do so again. Your witness knows which young woman you mean." "Very well, Your Honor—and if I have given offense to this young lady, I am sorry. Mr. Branca, I put it to you that this is your wife, Eunice Branca née Evans."

"Not Eunice. She dead. Judge, do I gotta take this kark? That lyin' fixer knows t' score, he talk to me two, three hours. Sure, that's Eunice' body. But she's dead. Everybody knows what happen."

"Sorry, Your Honor. Mr. Branca, please confine yourself to answering my questions. You say your wife is dead ...but did you ever see your wife Eunice Branca dead?"

"Huh? No. This Operation—"

"Just answer the question. You never at any time saw her dead. I put it to you that you were paid one million dollars to testify that this woman is not your wife Eunice Branca." ("Jake, can they do this to Joe? Look at him." "I'm sorry, darling. I didn't call him.")

"Judge, this karky bastard's lyin'! They got this club, see? Rare Blood. I got this funny blood, see? Eunice, too.

Save lives. Sure, they offer money, thousand, million, I I don' know, don' care. You think I'm a pimp, maybe? For Eunice? I tell ‘em shove it. I—"

"Your Honor, I pray your help in bringing this witness to order."

"I think he's making a responsive answer to your ques­tion. Go on, Mr. Branca. They offered you money. For what?"

"Oh. Eunice got a boss, see? Mr. Smith. Johann Smith. So rich he karks in gold pot. But poor old muck is dying, sec?Only the medicares don' let him die. Pitiful. But he's got this same funny blood, see? Like me, like Eunice. I tell ‘em, sure, he can have Eunice' body, she don' need it no. more—but not for money. So we rig a swindle—me and his fixer over there, Mr. Jake Salomon. He knows how I feel, he helps. ‘Eunice Evans Branca Memoria' Fund for Free Rare Blood'—all paid to t' Rare Blood Club. Ask Mr. Jake Salomon, he knows. I... don'...touch...one...God damn' frimpin' dime!" ("Jake—he won't even look at me."

"Put your veil up, dear, and cry under it.")

"Does Counsel for Petitioners have any more questions to ask this witness?"

"No, Your Honor. Counsel may inquire."

"No cross-examination, Your Honor."

"Does either counsel wish to question this witness at a later time? This is not a trial, and the Court intends to allow the widest latitude for inquiry even at the cost of permitting irrelevancies to creep into the record. Counsel?"

"Petitioners have no further use for this witness~"

"No questions now or later, Your Honor,"

"Very well. Court will reconvene at ten tomorrow morning. Bailiff is directed to provide this witness with transportation home or wherever he wishes to go, and to protect him from annoyance in so doing. Off the top, Evelyn, he's been harried enough."

"Judge? Can I say sump'n?"

"If you wish, Mr. Branca."

"That karky fixer—not Mr. Salomon, other one. Gets dark every night. Some night he winds up in Bird's Nest turf."

"Order. Mr. Branca, you must not make threats in court."

"Wasn't no threat, Judge. Was prophesying. 1 wouldn't hurt anybody. But Eunice had lots and lots and lots of friends."

"Very well. You're excused, Mr. Branca; you won't have to come back. Clerk will take charge of exhibits. Bailiff will provide heel-and-toe guards. Recessed."

"All rise!" "—greatest possible respect for the scholarly qualifications of my distinguished colleague, nevertheless the opinions he has expressed are the most arrant nonsense, as proved by that great scientist in his paper of 1976 from which I know quote: ‘The very concept of "personality" is but a shadow of a figment of a fantasy of a pre-scientific speculation. All life phenomena are fully explained by the laws of biochemistry as exemplified—'"

"—even an existential phenomenology requires a teleological foundation and I so concede, but a close study of dialectical materialism proves to any but the hopelessly biased that—" "Who's in charge here?" "An unborn child is not person; it is merely an inchoate protoplasmic structure with a potentiality to become from its environment—" "—mathematical laws of genetic inheri­tance account for every possible event misnamed—" "—in words familiar to the Court and to everyone: ‘Father, for­give them, for they know not what they do.'"

"—shocked to discover that the learned judge presiding over this trial is in fact a fraternity brother of Johann S. B. Smith. This clandestine relationship may be verified in records open to the public and I ask that this Court today, and any later courts seeing this record, take judicial notice, and I demand that opposing Counsel stipulate the fact."

"Stipulated." ("Jake, how did they find out?" "We leaked it. Through Alec, last night. Time to get it into the record, rather than in an appeal.")

"Aha! This damning fact having been stipulated, Petitioners are now forced to demand that the Judge presiding disqualify himself and declare this a mistrial." ("Jake, seems to me they've got us on the hip. Much as I like Mac and Alec, I have to admit that this has the flavor of finding a strawberry mark on a missing heir." "No, my dear. In the course of a long life a prominent man acquires direct linkage to every other prominent man. If it hadn't turned out that you and Mac were in the same fraternity, it would have been some other link as close or closer. How many members of the Supreme Court do you know?" "Uh, I think it's five." "There's your answer. At the top of the pyramid everybody knows everybody else.") (And sleeps with them.) (Shut up, Eunice!)

"Counsel, I find this interesting. First let me set you straight on a point of law. Twice you have used the word ‘trial' and now you speak of a ‘mistrial.' This is, as you know, not a trial, it is not even an adversary situation; it is merely an inquiry for the purpose of determining the identity of the young woman there who calls herself ‘Miss Smith.' She is charged with no crime, no civil suit against her is before this court; it is simply that her claimed identity has been challenged by petitioners who assert an interest. So this court is assisting in a friendly investigation—helping like a good neighbor in attempting to straighten out a mixup. Not a trial."

"I stand corrected, Your Honor."

"Please be careful in your use of technical language. If there is no trial, there can be no mistrial. Do you agree?"

"Perhaps I should use other language, Your Honor. Petitioners feel that, under these disclosed circumstances, you are not the judge who should preside over this, uh, friendly investigation."

"That is possible. But the matter has reached me in the course of due process and it will continue to remain before me unless compelling reasons are shown why I should step aside. Again on the matter of language, you used the word ‘clandestine.' The Court will not at this moment consider whether or not Counsel's choice of this word implies contempt—"

"Your Honor, I assure you—"

"Order. I am speaking. Nor will you discuss that aspect at this time. We will now consider only the meaning of this word. Clandestine' means ‘hidden, secret, concealed' with a flavor or connotation of surreptitious, or underhanded, or illicit. Tell me—this alleged relationship: Could it be verified in Who's Who'?"

"Oh, certainly, Your Honor! That's where I found it."

"I know that my own fraternity is noted there; I assume that if appropriate it would be listed in the case of Johann Sebastian Bach Smith. Since you tell me that you have checked it, the Court takes judicial notice for whatever it is worth and requires no further substantiation... other than to comment that we could hardly have been members of the same chapter at the same time since we differ by almost half a century in age. Did your investigations show, that Johann Smith and I were jointly members of other organizations? For example Johann Smith was a founding member of the Gibraltar Club—and I am a member, and Miss Smith's counsel, Mr. Salomon, is a member... and you are a member. In what other organizations do I share membership with Johann Smith? Now or in the past."

"Uh... Petitioners have not investigated."

"Oh, come now, I feel sure that you could turn up others. The Red Cross, for example. Probably the Chamber of Commerce at some time. I seem to recall that when I was a Scout Commissioner Johann Smith was one also. Possibly we're both in other fraternal bodies. Almost certainly we have served as trustees, or such, for the same charitable or service groups, either simultaneously or successively. I note that you are a Shriner, so am I. Care to comment on the fact?"

"No comment, Your Honor."

"But you and I almost certainly share several fraternal bonds. The Court takes notice of the wry fact that, since lawyers are not permitted to advertise, as a class they tend to join more organizations—fraternal, social, service, and religious—then do laymen as a class. Since you choose not to comment on the ones that you and I share in common, the Court will on its own motion investigate and place the results in the record. Now as to my alleged obligation to disqualify myself, do you wish to clarify your reasoning? Think it over while we take a recess, as your answer will go into the record. Ten minutes."

"Order. Counsel for the Petitioners? You have had time to think."

"Petitioners move that all remarks concerning fraternal associations and like matters be struck from the record."

"Motion denied. Nothing will be struck from this record. Come now, Counselor, you must have had some theory. State it."

"Your Honor, at the time I raised the point it seemed important. I now no longer think so."

"But you must have had a theory or you would not have raised it. Please speak freely, I want to know."

"Well...if Your Honor will indulge me, the disclosed fact seemed to admit of the possibility of prejudice on the part of the Court. No contempt is intended."

"And the Court will assume that none exists. But your answer is less than complete. Prejudice in favor of whom? The Petitioners? Because of my fraternal relationship with their grandparent?"

"What? Oh, no, Your Honor—prejudice in favor of, uh, of Miss—the challenged party."

"You are stipulating that she is indeed Johann. Sebastian Bach Smith?" ("My God, Jake, Mac's got him biting his own tail." "Yes. Who has got whom on whose hip?")

"No, no Your Honor, we are not stipulating that. That is the very matter we are challenging."

"But Counsel cannot have it both ways. If this young woman is not Johann ‘Sebastian Bach Smith—as

Petitioners allege—then she is not of my college fraternity. Conversely, under your own theory, she is Johann Sebastian Bach Smith. Which way will you have it?"

"I'm afraid 1 have been guilty of faulty reasoning. I pray the court's indulgence."

"We all reason faultily at times. Are you quite finished? Shall we go on with examination of witnesses?"

"Quite finished, Your Honor."

"But, Dr. Boyle, do you know that you removed the brain from this body—this cadaver, and transplanted it into the body of that woman?"

"Don't be an ass, old chap. You heard my answer."

"Your Honor, Petitioners feel that this is proper cross-examination and ask for the Court's assistance."

"The Court orders the witness to answer the questions as stated."

"Judge, you don't scare me, y' know. I am here as a voluntary witness—and I am not and never was a citizen of your quaint country. I am now a citizen of China. Your State Department promised our Foreign Affairs Minister that I would have full immunity during my entire stay if only I would appear. So don't bother to throw your weight around; it won't go. Care to see my passport? Diplomatic immunity."

"Dr. Boyle, this court is aware of your immunity. However, you have been induced to come here—at considerable expense I would assume and clearly at some inconvenience to you—to give evidence that only you can give. The Court requests you to answer all questions put to you, as fully, explicitly, and clearly as possible, in terms a layman can comprehend, even if it means repeating yourself. We want to find out exactly what you did and what you know of your own knowledge, which might directly or indirectly assist this court in determining the identity of this woman."

"Oh, certainly, my dear fellow—put that way. Well, let's go back and run it through again, from A to Zed. A year ago, more or less, I was approached by that old bugger over there—sorry, I mean ‘barrister'—Mr. Jacob

Salomon—to do what the Sunday sheets call a ‘brain transplant.' I accepted the commission. After this and. that—you can get the trivia from him—I did it. Moved a brain and some ancillary parts from one human skull to another. That brain was alive in its new digs when I left.

"Now as to whom. The brain donor was a very elderly male, the body donor was a young mature female. And that is about the size of it—they are covered, y' know, sterile sheeting and such, before the surgeon in charge comes in. Prepped. I can add only these hints: The male was in bad shape, kept alive by major supportive means. The female was in worse shape, she was dead—massive trauma to skull and cortex about here—headbashed in, I mean to say, and the yolk spattered. Dead as Queen Anne save that her body had been kept alive by extreme support measures.

"Now that unsightly hunk of pickled meat over there has had its brain et cetera removed in a fashion consistent with my own—unique—surgical techniques; I doubt if there is another surgeon alive who can do it my way. I have examined that cadaver carefully; I conclude that it is my work—and, by elimination, I conclude that it must be the body Salomon hired me to carve on; there is no conflicting evidence and the cadaver is not from any other case of mine.

"Identifying the young female is another matter. If her head were shaved I might look for scar tissue. If her skull were X-rayed I might look for prosthesis; teflon vitae does not throw the same shadow on a plate as does natural bone. But such tests would be only indicative; scar tissue is easily come by, and other trephining could produce similar X-ray shadow without disturbing the central nervous system."

"Dr. Boyle, let us ‘stipulate momentarily that you removed a living brain from exhibit JJ, the cadaver—"

"‘Stipulate?' I did do so, you heard me say so."

"I am not contradicting you, I am simply using appropriate language. Very well, you have so testified and you have also testified that you transplanted that brain into a young female body. Look about and see if you can identify that female body."

"Oh, you're being an ass again. I am neither a witch doctor nor a beauty contest judge; I am a surgeon. No, thank you. If that young woman—that composite human, female body, male brain—survived and is alive today—a point on which I have no opinion of my own knowledge and I assure you that I have had strong reason to acquaint myself both with relevant forensic medicine and medical jurisprudence; you are not about to trip me into being the ass you are—I would not today be able to single her out with certainty from ten thousand other young women of approximately the same size, weight, build, skin shade, and such. Counsel, have you ever seen a human body hooked up for extreme life support and prepared for such surgery? I'm sure you have not or you would not ask such silly questions. But I assure you that you would not recognize your own wife under such circumstances. If you want me to perjure myself, you've come to the wrong shop."

"Your Honor, Petitioners seem unable to get a respon­sive answer on this key point."

"The Court finds it responsive. Witness states that he can and does identify the male body but is unable to identify the female body. Doctor, I confess that I am puzzled on one point—perhaps through not being a medical man myself; nevertheless I am puzzled. Are we to understand that you would perform such an operation without being certain of the identity of the bodies?"

"Judge, I've never been one to fret about trivia. Mr. Salomon assured me, in legalistic language, that ‘the fix was on' if I have your American idiom correct. His assurances meant to me that the paper work was done, the legal requirements met, et cetera, and that I was free to operate. I believed him and did so. Was I mistaken? Should I expect an attempt to extradite me after I return home? I think it would be difficult; I have at last found a country where my work is respected."

"I am not aware that anyone has any intention of trying to extradite you. I was curious, that's all. What Counsel was getting at is this: There is present in this room a woman who claims to be that composite from your surgery. You can't point her out?"

"Oh, certainly I can. Though not as a sworn witness. It's that young lady seated by Jake Salomon. How are you, my dear? Felling chipper?"

"Very much so, Doctor."

"Sorry if I've disappointed you. Oh, I could make positive identification... by sawing off the top of your skull, then digging out your brain and looking for certain indications. But—heh heh!—you would not be much use to yourself afterwards. I prefer seeing you alive, a monument to my skill."

"I prefer it, too, Doctor—and truly, I'm not disappointed. I'm eternally grateful to you."

"Your Honor, this is hardly proper!"

"Counsel, I will be the judge of that. Under these most unusual circumstances I will permit a few human amenities in court."

"Miss Smith, I'd like' to examine you before I go home. For my journal, you know."

"Certainly, Doctor! Anything—short of sawing off my skull."

"Oh, just chest-thumping and such. The usual rituals. Shall we say tomorrow morning, ten o'clockish?"

"My car will be waiting for you at nine thirty, Doctor. Or earlier, if you will do me the honor of having breakfast with me."

"The Court finds it necessary to interrupt. I'm sorry to say that both of you will be here at ten o'clock. The hour of recessing is almost on us and—"

"No, Judge."

"What, Dr. Boyle?"

"I said, ‘No.' I will not be here tomorrow morning. I speak this evening at twenty o'clock at a dinner of one of your chop-'em-up societies. The American College of Surgeons. Until shortly before that time I am at your disposal. I suppose you can require the presence of Miss Smith tomorrow morning, but not mine. I'm off to merry old China as quickly as possible. No shortage of opportunities for research there—you would be amazed what condemned prisoners will agree to. So I shan't waste another day on silly-ass questions. But I am willing to tolerate them now."

"Mmm—I'm afraid that the Court must concede that this is a case of Mahomet and the Mountain. Very well, we will not recess at the usual hour."

"Witness will stand down. Do Petitioners offer more witnesses?"

"No, Your Honor."

"Counsel?"

"Miss Johann Smith offers no further evidence."

"Mr. Salomon, is it your intention to present an argument or summary?"

"No, Your Honor. The facts speak for themselves."

"Petitioners?"

"Your Honor, is it your intention to bring this to a terminus today?"

"That's what I am trying to find out. We've been at this for many weary days and I find myself in sympathy with Dr. Boyle's attitude: Let's sweep up the mess and go home. Both sides agree that there are no more witnesses, no more questions, no more exhibits. Counsel for Miss Smith states that he will not offer an argument. If Petitioners' counsel, wishes to argue, he may do so—in which case Miss Smith, in person or through counsel or both, is privileged to rebut. What I had in mind, Counsel, was a recess... then, if you have your thoughts in order, you can say what you wish. If you can't, we can let it go over till tomorrow morning. You may at that time argue for a postponement, but I warn you that a lengthy postponement will not be tolerated; the Court has become impatient with delaying tactics and red herrings, not to mention language and attitudes flavored with contempt. What is your wish?"

"May it please the Court, if we continue ‘this evening, how long a recess does the Court contemplate?"

"—and rebuttal having been concluded, we are ready to rule. But first a statement by the Court. Inasmuch as a novel point in Constitutional Law is involved in this matter, if an appeal is made, the Court will, under the Declaratory Relief Act of 1984, on its own motion send the matter directly to Federal Appellate Court with recommendation that it be referred at once to the Supreme Court. We cannot say that this will happen but there are aspects which lead us to believe that it could happen; this matter is not trivial.

"We have heard the petition, we have heard witnesses and seen exhibits. It is possible to rule in one of four ways:

"That both Johann Sebastian Bach Smith and Eunice Evans Branca are alive;

"That Eunice is alive and Johann is dead;

"That Eunice is dead and Johann is alive;

"That both Eunice and Johann are dead.

"The Court rules—please stand up, Miss Smith—that this person before us is a physiological composite of the body of Eunice Evans Branca and the brain of Johann Sebastian Bach Smith and that in accordance with the equitable principle set forth in ‘Estate of Henry M. Parsons v. Rhode Island' this female person is Johann Sebastian Bach Smith."