I, Alien

Frankly,

Torthan V.

1624.48 ABR, Pern

Dear Mike,

I am having great enjoyment in slinging your story words at my allies . I’ll be damned! that is correct yes?

Thank you for sending a most interesting chronicle, however you of all must know there are no elephants on Neptune. They were evacuated many universes ago.

I have gained credit nonetheless, as my former science elucidator was quite surprised that you are only a canine breeder who is a writer on the fringe , yet you know things from studies he thought were done many-mega later. He asks how did you realize the psychic bond elephants have, are there elephant genetics in your background?

Are you by chance the pen-alias of Dr. Asimov, and involved in this research?

Also thank you for sending me the list of “awards” you have received, though I was not familiar with the word. In researching your communications stream I see it means you were given a pat on the head for excellence. We do not have “awards” for excellence as it is assumed if you are not culled you will be excellent.

I am thinking of changing my majority field to one which will help me understand you better. There is an ancient history course available on Asimov V which refers to the little-known genus called “science fiction,” the fiction of science. Since you are as you say a “science fiction writer,” this will enable us to tongue more efficiently. And as it will also work with my science course, I am moving there in 3 parsecs and will not be available for the duration. I would appreciate any chronicles you could send in the interim turns.

Yours in excitement,

Excitedly,

Torthan

1625.12 ABR, Asimov V

Dear Mike,

My new elucidator of science fiction was quite engulfed that I am in correspondence with you! She says my enthusiasm rating is high enough to qualify for a complete major change! This would enable me to enter the higher academicia and perhaps even graduate at some point in future! Please send more “stories,” The Return of Santiago was very interesting even though there are no known planets of any description you use.

I am thinking of naming my initial progeny Peacemaker Angel One-Note MacDougal Volbiss in your honor. In fact, I am thinking of changing my majority report completely because of the effect you have had on me.

I am wondering if you have an opinion, should I become a breeder of canines or a science fiction writer? Both fields are, as you would say, broadly ajar here.

Please answer soon as I will get extra credit for your haste.

Earnestly,

Torthan

1625.13 ABR, Asimov V

Dear Mike,

Thank you for your answer. It does seem that since canines are only permitted on Stapledon I, II, and III, and they appear to breed themselves adequately without anyone’s help, the profession of science fiction writer would be best.

There are no other science fiction writers on the known planets, although this does not infer that they do not exist in other dimensions. I would be the first here, which will also give me much esteem and will once and for always restore my family name.

I have been reading the advice you sent me in I’ve Got This Nifty Idea and have what I believe to be a Nifty Idea. When I am finished may I submit it to you?

Wonderingly,

Torthan

1625.18 ABR, Asimov V

Dear Mr. Resnick,

In the mannerism of formal speaking as you suggest when a new author (myself, Torthan Volbiss!) is making submissions, below you will find my “story” How the Slime Gods Conquered Terra!” I am very excited because I have (I believe for the first time in science fiction history!) managed to combine true science and true storytelling!

In keeping with the sample submission you sent, my submission is not simultaneous with anyone in this system. The story length is only 34,295 words. I believe the pace fits with your current system of ideology. Should you decide to publish it, I will be glad to give you the publishing rights, as your mode of monetary exchange is not useful to me here.

My elucidator and I eagerly await your acceptance.

Eagerly,

Torthan Volbiss

1625.22 ABR, Asimov IV

Dear Mike,

As you can see I have been demoted an entire planet because of your criticisms! I did not know the science fiction world could be so harsh! You are not equipped to judge my story on a scientific basis, because you have obviously not read Benford II’s History of the Terran Interdiction, or Baxter IV’s Once Slimed, Always Slimed. If you had, you would realize that I have been accurate to the n’teenth degree! Terra I has been under interdiction for cents! and is considered uninhabitable by all civilized systems!

I realize now that all your questions about your physique in the “science fiction” field today were only a pathetic attempt to insert yourself and your arrogant galaxy-view into this timeframe ! To what end! Perhaps you had visions of starring in holovision commercials! It will never happen, you are not educated enough to wipe the footgear of our bots!

If you do not know your own history I cannot explain it to you!

You have used me shamefully and I will explain all of this to the board of reparations before they cull me!

Sincerely (still!),

Torthan Volbiss

1625.48 ABR, Asimov III

Dear Mike,

I am in very big trouble because of your continued refusal to make a promotion of my story. As you can see, I have been further demoted because of your insistence that my writing “does not exhibit a deep understanding of human culture.” Now there is talk of demoting me to feline studies. It is impossible, everyone knows felines do not bond in family groups as do canines and sapients. You of all esteemed personages should know this.

I am sorry to tell you that I have filed a brief with the board of castigation which lays the blame for my present position entirely at your lower appendages .

Your ignorance of Elkhorn’s thesis on the demise of Terra I shows a lack of study habits that was probably inherited from your ancestors. There is no doubt that alligators throve in the sewers of New York City on Terra I! Or that they mutated into gigantic cold-blooded creatures that infected everything they touched with revolting diseases, the smallest of which was the flaking off of giant patches of derma and their replacement with hardened scales! Or the havoc that was created when the infected race molted while attempting procreation! Or that the giant alligators are still in complete habitation of Terra I, and are disgusting reptilian creatures with no sense of civilized behavior!

(Forgive me if I thumb my nasal passages at your ancestors with this intolerant remark, but we have not shared genus and I do not know your chromatic history.)

This is all well-known to any civilized culture!

If you cannot publish the story yourself, at least you could submit it to Analog the Magazine of Science Fiction and Fact! Once it is accepted, I can return to Asimov V and continue my studies!

I am disappointed in you, Mike. I thought we were allies.

Disappointingly,

Torthan V.

1625.5 ABR, Ender I

Dear Mike,

I have decided to terminate interaction for the meantime while I prepare for my judgment .

I am still hoping you will publish my story in any anthology, or will at least present a datamail I may take to the board which will admit your complete responsibility for this situation. The lack of adequate training I received from you is obviously largely to blame in this humiliation. Although such remedies are rarely considered, my castigants believe it might be of some help.

Please provide me with a clear, concise description of why you cannot present my chronicle, also explain how you could have prepared me better, and save me!

Mike, I come to you on curled knee with this request.

Your old friend,

Sincerely,

Tor

1625.96 ABR, Penitence II

Dear Mike,

Well, thanks for nothing as you would say, though

why anyone would thank another sentient for the absence of anything is nontranslatable to me.

I have not been harvested, obviously, since the reviewers determined that I had been led astray by your false promises. It did not hurt that, being totally unfamiliar with your own history, and unwilling to believe a truthful account of that history, you were judged mentally unfit.

Do not ever think of visiting me, as you will be culled the moment you set chroma on any civilized planet. It is in the records now!

Instead, I am sent to Penitence II, which is one pace up from Penitence I. It is hoped that after many years of study, I may redeem myself enough to return to my Natural History classes, although gratitudes to you, propogation will be out of the question.

Further use of the MicroMac is, of course, not part of the inquiry any longer. Unfortunately, this means I will not get to read your later work, which I hope is not devastating to your pride.

Of course, I assume that anyone who treats a fellow sapient in the manner you have treated me will embezzle my ideas for his own use, but there is nothing I can do about it from here.

Please do not attempt to contact me as we have nothing to speak about.

Torthan Volbiss

1628.93 ABR, Penitence IV

Dear Mike,

I am permitted to hurl this final datamail in order to complete my penitence.

As a portion of my reeducation, I am ordered to forge amendments with those I have behaved uncharitably toward. Unfortunately, since the lectern here has access to all of my datamail records, this includes you. I am therefore remorsing with willing chambers to the best of my ability.

I apologize for my remarks about your reptilian ancestry. It was uncalled for, and prejudicial toward the inhabitants of Campbell II.

I am also apologetic for any reference I may have made to the apneate habits of your wive(s). I did not realize that in your backward culture, discussing another being’s bedroom habits might give offense.

I am sorry for stating that you could never star in a holivision commercial. It may be that someday they will be looking for a being of your genotype, whose RNA is not culturally recommended but who is capable of destroying entire lives with his shoddy, unwarranted criticisms. If that is the case, it will certainly star you.

Finally, I am apologetic for thumbing my nasal passages at you. I should have merely expelled my nose in your direction and hoped for the best.

As a last comment, in response to the datamail you kindly provided the court, which stated that I was “about as aware of human emotions as a bullfrog,” and accusing me of “a complete inability to understand human nature, human behavior, or human passion”— Mike, what in galaxies made you think I was human?

Sincerely,

Torthan Volbiss