Hades

22 Vigil

I stood helplessly as the demons filed out of the warehouse. Now that my fate had been decided, they didn’t deem me interesting enough to acknowledge. Only Asia paused, long enough to mockingly blow me a kiss as she sashayed past.

“Arakiel, at dawn you will surrender your angel to us,” Lucifer called nonchalantly over his shoulder. “You have what is left of tonight to say your good-byes. Can’t say I’m not bighearted.”

I knew the enormity of what had just happened hadn’t sunk in because I was so calm. Jake was saying something reassuring to me, but I barely heard him.

“You’re in shock,” he said, guiding me to the chair Lucifer had occupied. “Sit down here. I’m going after my father to try and talk him out of this madness.”

I knew Jake was wasting his time. The decision was irrevocable and nothing Jake said was going to change it. I didn’t want to waste time pleading or bargaining. I had one thought and one thought only. If Lucifer was right (and there was no reason to doubt him), I only had a few hours of existence left and I had no intention of spending them with Jake. It was his selfishness that had gotten me into this fix to begin with. I had to make it back to Venus Cove one last time to say good-bye to Xavier and my family.

I knew that if I saw Xavier once more whatever happened to me in the morning would be a lot easier to bear. But I wasn’t going back just for me. Somehow I had to let Xavier know that it was okay for him to go on with his life, give him my blessing to move on. There was no way I was going to try and tell him what lay in store for me. I’d never want to cause him that much pain. I wanted Xavier to accept that I wasn’t coming home and stop searching for answers. I knew from my time in the Kingdom that people never really got over the loss of a loved one, but their lives did continue, eventually offering them new joys to compensate for their losses.

I didn’t know how long Jake would be, but I figured negotiating with Lucifer was bound to take a while. I’d never attempted projection from anywhere other than my room before, but it was easier than I expected because this time I didn’t care who found out.

I found Xavier in his room sitting on the edge of his bed. He looked distracted and a little disheveled from lack of sleep. A half-packed gym bag lay open beside him. His gaze was fixed on the feather sitting on his bedside table. It was the one he’d found on the seat of his Chevy after our first date. He picked it up, lightly brushed his fingertips across it and inhaled its rainy scent. I watched him place it between the folds of a pressed shirt in the sports bag. Then he reconsidered and returned it to its place on top of the leather Bible on his bedside table. I knelt in front of him and saw him shiver as if from a draft. Goose bumps appeared on his arms, but he continued to sit very still.

“Xavier?” I knew he couldn’t hear me, but the expression on his face changed to one of concentration. Could he sense my presence? Could he also sense how wrong things were? He leaned forward as if to catch a sound in the air. I thought about making contact with him the way I had that day on the beach, but somehow it didn’t feel right anymore. And I wasn’t sure I could pull it off in my current state of mind.

“Hey, baby,” I began tentatively. “I’ve come to say good-bye. Something’s happened and I’m pretty sure it means I won’t be able to come and see you again. So I wanted to come one last time to tell you not to worry about me anymore. You look so tired. Don’t go to Tennessee — there’s no point now. Try to forget you ever met me. I want you to have an amazing life. You need to focus on what’s ahead of you now and let go of the past. I wouldn’t take back a single second of the time we had, but …”

“Beth,” Xavier spoke suddenly, interrupting my train of thought. “I know you’re here. I can feel you. What are you trying to tell me?” He waited a moment and then added, “Can you give me a sign like last time?”

He looked so hopeful that an idea popped into my head. I had a way of telling Xavier exactly what I wanted him to know without the need for words. The room was in semidarkness. I focused my energy and used it to throw open the drapes and saw Xavier blink as the room flooded with light.

“Good one, Beth,” he said. I drew closer to the window and blew hard on it so that a patch of glass fogged up. Then I stretched out a ghostly finger and used it to draw a heart on the windowpane. In it I simply wrote, X + B.

Xavier smiled at my handiwork.

“I love you too,” he said. “I won’t ever stop.”

My tears came in a flood then and I couldn’t stop them. If only I knew I would see him in the next life, maybe I could stand it. But I wasn’t going back to Heaven. I didn’t know where I was going. All I knew was that an eternity of nothingness awaited me.

“You have to stop loving me,” I said in between sobs. My entire body was wracked with the sorrow of giving him up. “You have to move on. If there’s any way back after death I promise I’ll find it. But only to check up on you and the extraordinary life you’ll be having.”

“There you are!” I jumped at the voice, but it was only Molly letting herself into the room. “Gabriel and Ivy are waiting outside. They want to get going. What’s the holdup?”

Xavier closed the curtains protectively over my sketch.

“I’m on my way,” he said. “I just need a minute.” Molly made no move to leave.

“Before we go, can we talk? I need some advice.”

Xavier turned his face to the window where I still stood. I knew he didn’t want me to leave. “I’m kinda busy right now, Molly. Can it wait?”

“Kinda busy staring into space? No, it can’t wait. My whole life is falling apart and you’re the only person I can talk to.”

“I thought we were fighting.”

“Build a bridge,” Molly snapped. “I need advice and nobody else will understand.”

“This is about Gabriel, right?” I noticed then that Molly’s face was tear stained. She had been crying too. The corners of her mouth quivered and her shoulders shook now that Xavier had broached the subject of my brother.

Talk to her, Xavier, I thought. Molly needs you and she’s your friend. You’re going to need your friends around you. I didn’t know whether Xavier received my silent message or the sight of Molly in tears tugged at his heartstrings, but he sat down and patted the bed beside him.

“Come on then,” he said. “Spit it out but make it quick, we don’t have much time.”

“I don’t know what to do. I know this thing with Gabriel isn’t good for me, but I can’t seem to let it go.”

“What’s stopping you?”

“I know how amazing we could be together. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t see it.”

“So you still feel the same?” Xavier asked. “Even though you know he isn’t human?”

“I always knew he was special somehow.” Molly sighed. “And now I know why. He’s not like any guy I’ve met because he’s not just a guy … he’s a freaking archangel.”

“Molly, you’ve got so many guys chasing you, you practically have to beat them off with a stick.”

“Yeah, but they’re not him. I don’t want anyone else and he doesn’t want me. There are times when I think he feels something, but then he just shuts it off.”

“You’re going to have to learn to do the same. I know it’s hard, but you have to look after yourself. Think about what you want long term. If Gabe doesn’t want to be part of your life, it’s doesn’t mean yours is over.”

“How am I ever gonna replace someone that perfect? No one will ever measure up which means my life is pretty much over at seventeen. I’ll end up like Mrs. Kratz at school — a dried-up old prune reading romance novels and supervising study hall.”

“I don’t think you’ll end up like Kratz — you need a college degree to do her job.”

“You suck at giving advice!” Molly’s face cleared as she let out a peal of laughter. Then her face became suddenly serious.

“Do you think we’ll find Beth?”

“Yes.” Xavier didn’t blink.

“How do you know for sure?”

“Because I’m not stopping until we do, that’s how. Now, are we heading to Tennessee or what?”

Before following Molly out the door Xavier moved to the window and put his palm over the outline of the heart enclosing our initials.

“I’m coming, Beth,” he murmured. “I know you’re feeling lost right now, but I want you to be strong for both of us. Just remember who you are, what you were created to do. No one can take that away from you, no matter where you are. I feel your presence with me all the time so don’t go giving up now. There’s no way I’m staying here without you. If Heaven couldn’t separate us, Hell’s got no damn chance. Hang in there. I’ll see you soon.”

When Jake returned I knew my last hope of escaping death had expired. I looked at his face as he leaned against the door frame and saw that it was whiter than parchment. He pressed his head into his hands in frustration. I waited to feel something like anger, fear, or even despair, but I felt none of those things. Maybe it was because the idea of not existing didn’t make sense in my head yet. Part of me didn’t even think it was possible. I had always existed, if not as a human on solid earth, then as an essence in Heaven. I still existed now even though I didn’t know how to define myself anymore. I couldn’t imagine no longer being able to think or feel or yearn for my family. Was it really possible that by morning I would disappear forever, lost not only to those around me, but lost to myself as well? Where would I go? I was barred from earth, not permitted back to Heaven, and not accepted in Hell. I would simply cease to exist and it would be like I never lived at all.

With a movement as quick as a tiger pouncing, Jake was by my side.

“I suppose saying I’m sorry doesn’t really cut it,” he said, looking down at me with real pain in his coal black eyes. If he had one redeeming feature it was that he genuinely didn’t want to see me go.

“I played a part,” I said numbly. “I used my powers in the wrong place.”

“I should have known you’d react that way, I should have warned you!” Jake slammed his fist into a timber post so hard that an explosion of dirt and timber fragments rained down on us from above. Jake brushed the debris from my hair and I didn’t recoil because I found myself unable to react to anything right now. I couldn’t move; it was as if I’d forgotten how.

“I guess we both misjudged,” I said with a tight smile. “Rookie mistake, right?”

A car drove me back to Hotel Ambrosia, Jake speeding ahead of us on his motorbike. He drove recklessly, almost swerving the bike off the road several times. I imagined him turning over new ideas in his head as he rode, locked in his own world of plotting and scheming. I didn’t argue when he accompanied me up to my suite. All of this might have been his fault, but I didn’t want to spend my final hours alone.

Hanna was waiting for me with a tray of supper. For once, I didn’t push the food away or tell her to leave it for later. For the first time in Hades, I took notice of the food offered to me: thin slices of rye bread, goat cheese, smoked salmon curled in waves around the rim of the plate, shiny olives, and ruby colored wine that tasted of plums. I ate slowly, making sure I tasted every mouthful. For me the food was reminiscent of my memories of being on earth. It was something I’d never experience again and I wanted the moment to last.

Hanna had never seen me eat with such focus or tolerate Jake’s company without complaint. She watched me, her face crumpled in pain. There was no way for her to help me now and she knew it.

“Everything will be okay, miss,” she said eventually. “Perhaps things will have changed in the morning.”

“Yes,” I murmured vacantly. “Everything will be better in the morning.”

Hanna took a few tentative steps toward me, conscious that Jake was watching her every move.

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Just get some rest, Hanna. Don’t worry about me.”

“But. ”

“You heard her,” Jake said in his most chilling voice. “Clear this away and leave us in peace.”

Hanna nodded subserviently and hurriedly cleared the dishes, throwing me a final look of distress over her shoulder.

“Good night, Hanna,” I called softly after her as she slipped out the door. “Thank you — for everything.”

When she was gone, I went through the motions of washing my face and brushing my teeth. I paid meticulous attention to each routine. Everything felt different to me now. I was acutely aware of the warm water running in rivulets over my body, the feel of the clean cotton towels against my skin. Every movement felt new, as if I were experiencing it for the first time. It occurred to me that I might be in Hell, but I was still alive. I was still a living, breathing, talking person. Not for much longer.

I stepped out of the bathroom to find Jake half sitting, half slumped on the sofa, staring into space with his chin pressed into his hand. The black tailcoat lay discarded on the floor along with the white bow tie. He had his shirtsleeves rolled up to the elbows as if in preparation for strenuous work. The room smelled strongly of cigarettes. Jake had poured himself a large tumbler of scotch, and it seemed to have steadied his nerves. He held the bottle up to see if I wanted to join him, but I shook my head. I didn’t want my thoughts muddled by alcohol. I moved around him, straightened the cushions on the sofa, tipped out the contents of the ashtray, and rearranged the items on my dressing table. Eventually, I ran out of things to distract me and there was nothing left to do but climb into the vast bed, huddle into a corner, and wait for morning. It was clear neither of us would be getting any sleep. Jake didn’t try and talk to me; he was like a statue, locked in his own world. I hugged my knees and waited patiently for the terror I expected to finally break over me like a tidal wave. But it refused to come. I had no idea what time it was. There was a digital clock by the phone, but I tried not to look at it. I couldn’t help sneaking a look once and saw that it was three forty-five A.M. The minutes seemed to stretch for an eternity because when I looked again only a few minutes had passed. Jake and I remained lost in our own private thoughts.

I hoped my last thoughts before I lost consciousness would be of Xavier. I tried to imagine a fairy-tale ending for him with an adoring wife and five children. Phantom would live with them and the house would be full of music and laughter. On Sundays he would coach the local Little League team. Xavier would think of me from time to time, usually in moments of solitude. But he would think of me only as a distant memory, as the high school sweetheart who’d left a mark on his heart but was never destined to be part of his future.

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?” Jake’s voice cut through my reverie like a blade. “I don’t blame you. He would never have done anything so stupid — he at least protected you. You must despise me now more than you ever did.”

“I don’t want to spend my last hours being angry, Jake,” I said. “What’s done is done — there’s no point blaming you now.”

“I promise I will fix this, Bethany,” he said fiercely. “I won’t let them harm you.” His refusal to accept the reality in front of us was becoming irritating.

“Look, I know you’re used to calling the shots and all,” I said. “But even you can’t change this.”

“We could run,” Jake muttered, talking rapidly as his mind desperately searched for solutions. “But all the exits here are guarded. Even if we managed to outsmart the guards we wouldn’t get far. Maybe I could bribe one of them to let us into the Wasteland …”

I wasn’t really listening. I didn’t want to hear his far-fetched ideas and I wished he would just be quiet for a while.

“We still have time before dawn,” Jake continued, talking to himself now. “I’ll come up with something.”