Hades

12 Hanna’s Story

AFTER my first try at what Tucker called projection, it was hard to think about anything else. Now that I’d had a taste of home, Hotel Ambrosia seemed emptier than ever. As the days passed I found myself going through the motions without complaint, eagerly awaiting the next opportunity to return to Venus Cove and keep up with what was happening there. So when Hanna was brushing my hair or fussing over me my mind was conspiring to achieve my only goal: seeing Xavier again. When Tucker was keeping vigil I was counting down the minutes until he finally went to bed and I was free to roam again the place where I belonged, even if it was only as an unseen entity.

Tucker was better at reading my thoughts than I realized.

“It’s addictive, ain’t it?” he said. “At first you can’t get enough.” I couldn’t deny it. Being transported back to Byron had given me a rush greater than any I’d experienced.

“It felt so real. I was so close I could smell them.”

Tucker watched me closely. “You should see your face. It lights up when you talk about them.”

“That’s because they’re everything to me.”

“I know, but there’s somethin’ you need to keep in mind. Every time you go back they’ve moved on a little with their lives. In time their pain dulls and you become a fond memory. In the end you feel like nothin’ but a ghost visiting strangers.”

“It would never be like that for me.” I glared at Tucker. The thought of Xavier moving on was unbearable and I refused to so much as entertain the idea. “Besides, aren’t you forgetting something? I’m not a ghost. I happen to be alive. See?” I gave my arm a decent pinch and watched a blotch of red appear on the white skin. “Ouch!”

Tucker smiled a little at my demonstration. “You want to go again right now, don’t you?”

“Of course. Wouldn’t you?”

“Have you always been this impatient?”

“No,” I replied tartly. “Only as long as I’ve been human.” Tucker frowned and I wondered whether he doubted my ability to use this new gift responsibly. I decided to try and ease his mind.

“Thanks again for showing me, Tuck. I needed something to help me survive in this place and seeing my family again meant so much.”

Tucker, who was unaccustomed to praise, looked abashed and shuffled his feet on the carpet.

“You’re welcome,” he mumbled. Then his face clouded.

“Please be careful. I don’t know what Jake would do if he ever found out.”

“I’ll be careful,” I agreed. “But I’m going to find a way to get us out.”

“Us?” he repeated.

“Of course. We’re a team now.”

TUCKER had figured right. I did plan to go back that very night. The taste of home I’d been given had only whet my appetite, not satisfied it. I wasn’t lying when I told him I was going to try and get us out, but it wasn’t uppermost on my mind at that moment. My impulse was far more self-indulgent than that. I just wanted to see Xavier again and pretend that nothing had changed. Whatever he was doing, I wanted to be there beside him. I wanted to absorb as much of his presence as I could and take it back with me. It would act like a talisman to get me through the interminably long days and nights ahead.

So when Hanna appeared in the doorway carrying my supper on a tray, my first impulse was to send her away. I was anxious to climb into my oversize bed and start the process that would send me home again. Hanna looked at me the way she always did, like she wished there was more she could do to help. Even though she was younger she’d adopted a maternal attitude toward me, as if I were a fledgling that had to be protected and nursed to strength. It was only to satisfy Hanna that I ate hasty mouthfuls of what she’d prepared — crusty bread, some kind of chunky stew, and a fruit tart. Afterward she didn’t leave right away but lingered and I sensed she had something on her mind.

“Miss,” she said eventually. “What was your life like before you came here?”

“I was in my senior year of high school and living in a small town where everybody knew one another.”

“But that wasn’t where you came from.”

It surprised me that Hanna should make reference to my former home. I was so used to protecting our secret on earth, I kept forgetting that here my true identity was common knowledge.

“I may not have come from Venus Cove,” I admitted. “But it became my home. I went to a school called Bryce Hamilton and I had a best friend called Molly.”

“My parents were workers in a factory,” Hanna said suddenly. “We were too poor for me to go to school.”

“Did you have books at home?”

“I never learned to read.”

“It’s not too late,” I said encouragingly. “I’ll teach you, if you like.”

Instead of reassuring her, as I’d hoped, my words seemed to have the opposite effect on Hanna. She dropped her gaze and her smile vanished.

“There’s not much point now, miss,” she said.

“Hanna,” I began, choosing my words carefully. “Can I ask you a question?”

She shot me a frightened look and then nodded.

“How long have you been here?”

“Over seventy years,” she replied in a resigned tone.

“And how is it that someone as gentle and kind as you ended up here?” I asked.

“It’s a long story.”

“I’d like to hear it,” I said and Hanna shrugged.

“There’s not much to tell. I was young. I wanted to save someone more than I wanted my own soul. I made a pact, sold myself into this life, and when I realized my mistake, it was too late.”

“Would you choose differently if you could have your time over?”

“I suppose I would try to achieve the same outcome but in a different way.” Hanna’s eyes seemed to mist over, and she stared wistfully ahead, lost in her own memories.

“That means you’re sorry. You were too young to know what you were doing. When my family comes for me, we’ll take you with us. I won’t leave you behind.”

“Don’t waste your time worrying about me, miss. I made the decision to come freely and there’s no backing out of a deal like that.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I said breezily. “All deals are open to renegotiation.”

Hanna smiled, her wariness slipping for a moment. “I would like forgiveness,” she said in a small voice, “but there’s no one here to offer it.”

“Maybe if you tell me about it you’ll feel better.” Anxious as I was to return to Xavier’s side, I couldn’t ignore Hanna’s cry for help. She had cared for me and nursed me through some dark hours and I was indebted to her. Besides, I’d only been in Hades a few weeks. Whatever burden Hanna was carrying, she’d carried for decades. The least I could do was set her mind at ease if it was within my power. I shifted my position to make room for her and patted the bedspread beside me. To an ignorant onlooker we might have looked like two girls sharing teenage confidences.

Hanna hesitated and glanced at the door before sitting down beside me. I knew she felt uncomfortable because she kept her eyes lowered and her fingers, red from washing, nervously twisted the buttons on her uniform. She was weighing up in her mind whether she could trust me. Who could blame her? She was alone in Jake’s underworld. There was no one for her to turn to for a kind word or advice. She had come to feel grateful for every meal and every night she slept through unharmed. I had the feeling that if anyone were to try to hurt Hanna, she would endure it like a martyr because she didn’t believe she deserved any better.

Hanna leaned back and sighed. “I hardly know where to begin. I haven’t spoken about my old life in such a long time.”

“Start wherever you like,” I prompted.

“I’ll begin then with Buchenwald,” she said softly. She spoke with detachment; her youthful face devoid of feeling, as if she were a storyteller narrating a fable rather than giving a firsthand account.

“The concentration camp?” I asked incredulously. “You were there? I had no idea!” I instantly regretted my interruption as I could see my reaction had halted Hanna’s train of thought. “Please, go on.”

“In life my name was Hanna Schwartz. In 1933, I had my sixteenth birthday. The Depression hit workers the hardest. We had little money and I had no skills so I joined the Hitler Youth, and when Buchenwald was opened, I was sent to work there.” She paused and drew a deep breath. “I knew that everything happening there was wrong. Not just wrong, I knew I was surrounded by evil, but I felt powerless to do anything about it and I did not want to let my family down. All around me people were asking: Where is God in this? How could he let this happen? I tried not to think about it, but deep down I was angry with God — I blamed him. I was planning to apply for a transfer and leave the camp to go home to my parents, when a girl arrived who I recognized. I knew her from home. We had played together as children. She lived in my street and went to the local school. Her father was a doctor. He treated my brother once when he had measles and didn’t even ask for payment. Esther was her name. She shared her books from school with me because she knew how badly I wanted to learn. I was too young to understand the difference between us. I knew her life was like mine only she was wealthier, she went to school, and she was a Jew. I knew the SS had evicted and relocated her family, but I didn’t see her again until she turned up that day at Buchenwald. She was with her mother and I tried to stay out of sight. I didn’t want them to see me there. Esther wasn’t well when they brought her in and she seemed only to get worse. There was something wrong with her lungs and she couldn’t breathe properly. She was too weak to work and I knew what her fate would be. It was only a matter of time. Somehow, I knew I couldn’t let it happen.

“That was when I met Jake. He was one of the young officers overseeing the camp, but he looked different from how he does now. His hair was lighter and in his uniform he was not so conspicuous. I knew he liked me. He smiled at me and tried to make conversation whenever I served food to the officers. One day I was saddened thinking of Esther and he stopped me to ask what was wrong. I made the mistake of trusting him and took the opportunity to tell him about my fears for my childhood friend. When he told me he might be able to help, I couldn’t believe my luck. I thought if I could do one good thing I might be able to respect myself again. Karl, that was what Jake called himself then, was so beautiful and so mesmerizing. The fact that someone like him would acknowledge my existence, let alone show interest in my problems, was flattering. He asked me whether I believed in God and I told him that the way my life had played out so far, if there was ever a God, he must have deserted us. Karl told me he had a secret he wanted to share, because he felt he could trust me. He told me he served a higher master, one who repaid loyalty. He said I could help Esther if I swore undying loyalty to him. He told me not to be afraid and that I would be rewarded for my sacrifice with eternal life. When I think back on it, I don’t know why he bothered to single me out. I think he must have been bored and looking for someone to play with.” Hanna paused as her mind traveled back to her dark past. “It sounded so simple at the time.”

“What happened?” I asked even though the answer was obvious.

“Esther was healed. Jake restored her to health so the guards would have no reason to harm her and I came into the darkness. But I wasn’t sure Jake had kept his end of the bargain ….”

“Did he?” I asked breathlessly.

“He made her well again.” Hanna’s sad brown eyes flickered up to meet mine. “But that did not keep her from the gas chambers two weeks later.”

“He betrayed you!” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “He tricked you into bargaining away your life. That’s despicable, even for Jake.”

“It could have been worse,” Hanna said. “When I was thrown into Hades, I somehow avoided the pit. I was assigned duties at the hotel and I’ve been here ever since. So you see, miss, I brought this fate upon myself. I cannot complain.”

“But your intentions were good, Hanna. I think there’s hope for everyone.”

“There is while you are walking the earth. This is a final destination. I don’t hope for anything now and I do not believe in miracles.”

“You have seen the devil at work,” I said. “Why can’t you believe in the power of Heaven as well?”

“Heaven has no mercy for the likes of me. I made a pact and belong to Hell now. Not even angels can dissolve those ties.”

I frowned and sat on the edge of my bed. Could Hanna be right? Would the laws of Heaven and Hell bind her to this prison? Surely her sacrifice had to count for something. She had well and truly served her sentence. But maybe it didn’t work that way. I hoped I hadn’t made a promise to her I wouldn’t be able to keep. Hanna busied herself tidying the items on my dressing table. They were mainly French perfumes, lotions, and powders — the sort of things Jake thought would make me happy. He really didn’t have a clue.

I looked at Hanna, who was now shuffling around the room and avoiding making eye contact.

“You don’t believe they’ll find me, do you?” I asked softly. She didn’t answer but only tidied more energetically. I felt an overwhelming urge to grab her forcibly by the shoulders and shake her into understanding. Because if I succeeded in convincing Hanna then I might convince myself that I wasn’t going to be a prisoner for eternity. “You don’t get it!” I yelled to my own surprise. “You don’t get what I am. Right now I have a whole covenant of archangels plus a seraphim looking for me. They’ll find a way to get me out of here.”

“If you say so, miss.” Hanna gave a perfunctory reply.

“Don’t say it like that.” I glowered at her. “What are you really thinking?”

“All right, I’ll tell you what I’m thinking.” Hanna put down her dust cloth and faced me. “If it was so easy for angels to storm this prison, don’t you think they would have by now?” Hanna’s tone became more tender. “If they could just free the souls in torment, wouldn’t they have done so? Wouldn’t God have intervened? You see, miss, Heaven and Hell are bound by rules as old as time itself. No angel can enter here uninvited. Think of it this way, could a demon just walk into Heaven?”

“Not a chance,” I said as I reluctantly tried to follow her train of thought. “Not in a million years. But this is different. Isn’t it?”

“The only thing that works in your favor is that Jake tricked you into trusting him. Your angels will have to find a loophole, just like he did. It is not impossible, but it is very difficult. The entries to Hell are well guarded.”

“I don’t believe you,” I proclaimed as loudly as if I were addressing an audience. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and Xavier has a will stronger than anyone I know.”

“Ah, yes, the human boy from your hometown,” said Hanna ruefully. “I have heard some talk about him.”

“What have you heard?” I asked, fired up by her mention of Xavier.

“The prince is very envious of him,” said Hanna. “He has every blessing a human could ask for — beauty, strength, and courage. He is unafraid of death and he is aligned with angels. Plus, he possesses the one thing Jake wants more than anything.”

“And what’s that?”

“The key to your heart. That makes him quite a threat.”

“See, Hanna?” I said. “If Jake feels threatened that means there’s hope, after all. Xavier will come for us.”

“For you,” Hanna corrected. “And even so, he is just a boy with a valiant heart. How can the strength of one man stand against Jake and an army of demons?”

“He can,” I countered, “if he has the power of Heaven on his side. After all, Christ was a man.”

“He was also the Son of God, there’s a difference.”

“Do you think they could have crucified him if he wasn’t human?” I asked. “He was flesh and blood, just like Xavier. You’ve been here so long you underestimate the power of humans. They’re a force of nature.”

“Forgive me, miss, if I cannot hope as you do,” Hanna said humbly. “I don’t want to raise my dreams out of the dust only to have them cut down. Can you understand that?”

“Yes, Hanna, I can,” I said at last. “That’s why if you don’t mind, I’ll hope enough for the both of us.”

I thought about Hanna’s story for a long time after she left. Although I wanted desperately to go and check on Venus Cove, I couldn’t free my mind. It remained stuck on Hanna and the hardships of her young life. I thought about how little I really understood about human suffering. What I knew about the blackest episodes in human history was nothing but cold hard facts. Human experience was so much more complex. There was probably a lot more I could learn from Hanna than I’d realized.

There was one thing I did know; Hanna had made a mistake. But she had expressed regret and she was sorry for her actions. If she was destined to live beneath the ground for the rest of eternity, then there was something wrong with the system. Surely Heaven couldn’t stand by and let such corruption go unpunished. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. I will repay. Hanna was wrong. Heaven would seek justice. I just had to be patient.