Fancies and Goodnights

ANOTHER AMERICAN TRAGEDY

A young man entered the office of a prominent dentist, and seated himself in the chair. He scornfully waved aside the little probe and mirror with which the dentist smilingly approached him. «Rip 'em all out,» he said.

«But,» said the dentist, «your teeth seem perfectly good.»

«So,» said the young man, «is my money.» The dentist hestitated a little. «It would hardly be ethical, »said he, «to take out teeth which are sound — unless there is a very good reason for it.»

The young man, who had begun to smile at the word «ethical,» here extended his smile into a cavernous gape, which laid bare the hindermost of his ivories. At the same time he twitched out a small roll of bills from his vest pocket, and held them noticeably in his hand.

The dentist utterly ignored these bills. «If you want those excellent teeth out,» said he, «you must certainly be mad. Now I have a little theory: mental derangement is caused by dental derangement. It is a sign of something wrong way up behind the roots of the teeth, especially those of the upper row. Viewed from that angle —»

«Cut it, and pull them, out,» said the young man, impatient of these professional niceties.

The dentist shrugged and obeyed. As if in fear that the young man might become altogether too sane at the end of the operation, he humorously tweaked away the roll of bills with a thirty-third frisk of his forceps.

The young man made no comment, but only called for a mirror, in which he surveyed his numb and fallen chaps with every appearance of satisfaction. He asked when his denture would be ready, made the appointment, and went his way.

«Dear me!» thought the dentist. «Perhaps the trouble was not in his teeth after all. Certainly he is still as crazy as a coot.»

Here the dentist made a big mistake. The young man was perfectly sane, and knew very well what he was about. It happened that he had spent all his money, in some years of the vilest dissipation, but he had a very far-reaching and water-tight plan for getting some more. His views on the subject of teeth were directly opposite to the common attitude towards insurance. He held it is better not to have them, and to need them, than to have them but to find no sort of use for them.

He accordingly returned to the dentist on the appointed day, and was equipped with his artificial grinders, which he sucked at and gnashed in the most ordinary fashion. He paid for them with almost his last dollar, went out, and got into his racy-looking roadster, and drove out of town as if pursued by the finance company, as he certainly would have been had they caught sight of him.

He drove till nightfall, and resumed his journey next day. Late in the afternoon he arrived in that part of the country where old and miserly uncles live in remote, dilapidated farmhouses. Our young man was more or less fortunate in possessing one of the oldest and richest of these uncles, whose house was the remotest and most dilapidated of all.

Arriving at this secluded dwelling, our hero drew up before a porch upon which no money had been squandered for years. «So much the more in the old sock,» reflected the nephew, as he knocked upon the door.

He was a little disconcerted to hear the tap of high heels within, instead of the shuffle of a deaf and surly retainer, and his jaw dropped when the door was opened by a plump and squarish blonde, a baby of some thirty-odd years and about a hundred and fifty pounds. Her mouth was as wide and as red as a slice of watermelon; she had well-darkened lashes and brows, and an abundance of phony gold hair flowing girlishly down over her shoulder. Our friend was to some extent reassured when he realized that she was dressed in what might be called a nurse's uniform, but the extreme shortness of the skirt and the fact that her garters were bright scarlet, and adorned with enormous bows, caused him to wonder if his dear uncle was getting the very best of professional care.

Nevertheless it is important to get on the right side of the nurse, especially when she stands solidly in the doorway. Our hero removed his hat, and put on so soapy a smile that his false teeth nearly dropped out of his head. «I have driven all the way from the big city,» said he, «to see my poor, dear, bed-ridden old uncle — God bless him! I did not expect to see so charming a nurse.»

The nurse, not budging an inch, responded with a surly and suspicious stare.

«I fear he must be sinking,» continued the nephew. «In fact, I had an intuition, a sort of telephonic S.O.S., telling me to hasten out here before it was too late. Let me rush to his bedside.»

The nurse still hesitated, but at that moment a peculiar sound, resembling the croaking of giant bull-frogs, arose in the dim depths of the house. This was the good old uncle himself, vociferating toothlessly for an immediate sight of his nephew, whose expressions of affection and concern had been audible in every corner of the dwelling. The old boy knew very well that his young relative was after his money, and he was eager for the pleasure of turning him down.

The nurse somewhat grudgingly stepped aside. Our hero, with a well-rehearsed whinny of delight, scuttled into the bedroom.

Nothing is more affecting than the greetings of near relatives after a long separation, especially when they are as fond of each other as these two. «My dear Uncle!» cried the nephew. «What a pleasure it is to see you again! But why does your hand tremble so? Why are your eyes so sunken? Why are you so thin and pale?»

«If it comes to that,» said his uncle, «you are not too stout and rosy yourself. Yes, you are very worn and emaciated, my boy. Your hair is thin and grey; you have lines, bags, and creases all over your face. If it were not for your handsome white teeth, I believe you would look every bit as old as I do.»

«That,» said the nephew, «is the effect of ceaseless toil and moil. It is a hard struggle, Uncle, to make good in these days, especially without any capital.»

«So you are making good?» said the old man. «Do you not drink any more?»

«No, Uncle, I never drink now,» replied the nephew.

«Well, that's tough,» said his uncle, producing a giant flask from under his pillow. «In that case I can't ask you to join me.» With that, he took a mighty swig, and, wiping his lips, he continued, «I have, thank heaven, a good doctor. A typical tough, bluff, hard-hitting, straight-shooting country sawbones of the old school. We call him the horse 'n' buggy doc. He recommends me this as medicine.»

«Perhaps that is why your hand trembles so,» said his nephew.

«Your own is none too steady,» rejoined his uncle. «Evidently you work too hard. Tell me, Nephew, do you ever take a little flutter with the cards?»

«Good heavens, no!» cried the nephew. «I cured myself of that folly long ago.»

«I am sorry to hear it,» replied his uncle. «We might have played a little cut-throat. The old horse 'n' buggy doc says the excitement keeps me lively. We often play together till after midnight.»

«That is why your eyes are sunken so deep,» said the nephew.

«I think yours are equally hollow,» replied the old man. «You should take a little rest now and then. I suppose, my dear Nephew, you still have an occasional frolic with the girls.»

«Girls!» cried the nephew, lifting up his hands. «What an odious suggestion! It is years since I have even looked at a girl.»

«Well, that's too bad,» said his uncle. «The old horse 'n' buggy doc has up-to-date views. It was he who sent me Birdie. »And, turning to the nurse, who happened to be arranging his pillows, he gave her a certain sort of caress, such as is mentioned nowhere in the pharmacopoeia.

«No wonder!» cried his nephew, when the nurse had gone bridling and smirking from the room. «No wonder, my poor Uncle, that you are so extremely thin and pale!»

«You are equally so,» replied his uncle, «and you are only half my age.»

«Well,» said the nephew, trying a new tack, «perhaps your doctor is right. Perhaps I had better take your treatment.»

«I heartily advise it,» said the old man.

«The only thing is,» said the nephew, «that I can hardly work at the same time. I suppose you would not care to give me a little money, so that I can enjoy the benefits of the system.»

«Well, no,» said his uncle. «I would not. Definitely not.»

«I thought as much,» said his nephew. «I fear I shall have to keep on toiling. How upset your good horse 'n' buggy doc would be! Tell me one thing, however; indulge my curiosity in one trifling respect. Is there any hope I shall come into your money? Have you arranged it in your will?»

«Oh, come!» said his uncle. «Why bother your head with matters of that sort?»

«Do tell me,» pressed the nephew. «You have no idea how interested I am.»

«Well, if you really want to know,» said his uncle, «I have left it all to the old horse 'n' buggy doc, a true, downright, straight-living, hard-faced, crusty, soft-hearted country croaker of the old school, and you cannot imagine how agreeable his treatment is to me.»

«Is that really so?» said the nephew. «I must say I expected something of the sort. Fortunately I have made my plans against just such a contingency. Allow me, my dear Uncle.»

With that he twitched a pillow from under the old man's head, and pressed it over his face. The old uncle gave a petulant kick or two, but what with one thing and another there was very little life left in him, and soon that little was gone.

The nephew, with a wary glance at the door, quickly divested himself of his clothing, which he stowed under the bed. Next, possibly feeling a little chilly, he took the liberty of borrowing his uncle's nightshirt. Then, stowing his uncle's shrunken body under the bed also, he climbed into his place between the sheets. Finally he expectorated his false teeth into a clean pocket handkerchief, which he had brought especially for the purpose, and leaned back upon the pillows, the very spit and image of the old man.

Soon he set up a pipe: «Birdie! Birdie!»

At his call the nurse came hurrying in. «Why, honey-boy,» said she, «where's your worthless nephew gone?»

«He has just slipped out for a stroll around the old place,» croaked our hero. «Moreover, I don't think you should call him worthless. No, I have misjudged that young man, and I want you to send for the lawyer, so that I can do him justice in my will.»

«Why, Daddy?» cried the nurse. «What's made this change in you?»

«Change?» said the nephew hastily. «There's no change in me, my dear, except perhaps I feel my latter end approaching. Otherwise I am just the same.» And to reassure her on this point, he gave her a friendly little caress, exactly as his uncle had done. She emitted an hilarious squeal and went giggling on her errand.

The nephew lay at his ease, waiting only for the arrival of the lawyer. «I shall dictate a new will,» thought he, «and sign it before the very eyes of the lawyer, in a shaky imitation of the old man's crabbed hand. I shall then express a desire to be left alone for a short nap, replace my poor uncle in the bed, put on my clothes, put back my teeth, and step out of the window, to march in at the front door as if newly returned from my walk. What bucketfuls of tears I shall shed, when we discover that the poor old boy has passed peacefully away!»

Pretty soon there was a heavy footstep on the porch, and a large and rough-hewn individual strode into the room, bearing a sizable black bag.

«I am glad you have come,» said our hero. «I am eager to make out a new will. I wish to leave everything to my nephew.»

«My dear old friend,» replied the newcomer, «I fear your malady has reached the brain. Who would have thought my old pal could have mistaken me for the lawyer? You must let me make a brief examination.» With that, he pulled down the sheet, and began to probe the nephew with a hard and horny ringer. The nephew realized too late that this was no lawyer, but the horse 'n' buggy doc himself, and he uttered a hollow groan.

«I feared as much,» said the Doctor. «There is something very wrong somewhere in here. I must act at once if you are to recover your reason.» As he spoke, he turned the nephew over in the bed, and whisked out a monster hypodermic from his black bag. «Fortunately,» said he, «I am always ready for emergencies.»

Our hero tried to protest, but he hardly knew what to say, fearing that his uncle would be discovered under the bed, and the circumstance would tend to his prejudice. The Doctor, all in a moment, injected a pint of icy fluid into the small of his back, which numbed his whole middle, and paralyzed all his faculties, except that of rolling the eyes, which he indulged to the point of excess.

«I am only an old, rough, goldarn horse 'n' buggy doc,» observed the Doctor, «but I keep abreast of the times. Mental derangement is often caused by abdominal derangement. If you will get out my instruments, nurse, I think we shall soon find the source of the trouble.»

In a moment the unfortunate nephew was laid open under his own eyes, which he never ceased to roll. The Doctor, unpacking him like a Gladstone bag, kept up a running commentary. «Take this,» said he to the nurse, «and put it on the washstand. Put these on the chair. Don't get them mixed up, or I shall have the devil of a job getting them back again. It is a pity that nephew is not back; it is more ethical to have the consent of a relative before operating. I see nothing wrong with this pancreas, considering the age of the patient. Put it on the chest of drawers. Hang these over the bed-rail».

«Hold the light a little closer,» he continued. «I still have not found the cause of his madness. Don't let the candle drip; that is hardly hygienic. Anyway, he is certainly mad, or he would not think of leaving his money to that scallawag of a nephew. It is as well you let me know, my dear, instead of bothering the lawyer. When this is all over, we must take a little trip together.»

Saying this, he gave the nurse a caress, similar to that which both uncle and nephew had bestowed on her. The sight of this caress not only shocked our hero, but depressed him beyond description, and lowered his powers of resistance. «It is most unprofessional,» thought he, «and, what's even worse, it smacks abominably of conspiracy.» This thought caused him to roll his eyes for the last time, and the next moment he was a goner.

«Dear me,» said the Doctor, «I fear I have lost my patient. Sometimes I quite envy the city doctor, with his well-appointed operating theatre. However, their biographies usually sell very poorly, and, after all, I did my best for the old boy, and he has remembered me in his will. Had he lived, he might have altered it. What an extraordinary trick of fate! Pass me over the various organs, my dear, and I will put them roughly into position, for I expect the nephew will be back very shortly, and he would hate to see them lying around.»