Fancies and Goodnights

THE FROG PRINCE

Two young men were discussing life. Said the richer of them to the poorer, «Paul, you had better marry my sister.»

«That is a very strange thing to say,» said Paul, «considering I have told you all about my debts.»

«I am not worldly, »replied Henry Vanhomry. «I should prefer my sister to marry a clean, decent, and kindly fellow like yourself, than some rich but blasé roué, cynic, near-man, sub-man, or half-man.»

«I am certainly not blasé,» said Paul. «On the other hand, I had not the pleasure of meeting your family when I was in Boston.»

«I am very fond of my sister,» said Henry, «in a way.»

«How delightful! No doubt she was a mother to you when you were small. A little mother!»

«No. No. She is ten years younger than I am; only twenty-eight, in fact.»

«Aha! She would have come into her fortune just in the rockiest year of our financial history.»

«Fortunately it is well invested, and yields her an income of forty thousand dollars.»

«An objection occurs to me. We are men of the world, Henry. If we were of the other sex, we might also make mistakes. Fond as I am of children —»

«That would be a matter entirely for you to decide.»

«Henry, your sister sounds charming. Tell me more about her. She is not by any chance a teeny little woman?» And Paul held his hand some thirty inches from the floor.

«Quite the reverse.»

«Quite the reverse, eh?»

«My dear Paul, I do not mean that she is six feet four.»

«Six feet three, perhaps?»

«And a half. But perhaps I should tell you she is rather plump. Disproportionately so, in fact.»

«Upon my word! I hope she is good-tempered.»

«Angelically. You should hear her petting her dolls.»

«Pardon me, Henry, but is she at all — backward?»

«A matter of opinion. She reads and writes admirably.»

«How delightful. We could correspond, if I happened to be away.»

«I will be frank with you, Paul; her letters to famous boxers are quite amazingly expressive, though by no means perfect in orthography.»

«Henry, she is capable of hero worship; she has an affectionate nature.»

«Almost embarrassingly so. It appears from these letters of hers, which we censor, that she would make a devoted wife. However, my family are old-fashioned, and the boxers are cowardly brutes. I should like to see her safely married.»

«But, as yet, if I understand you, she is pure as the driven snow? Charming!»

«Hers has been a cloistered girlhood. Yet there is something romantic in her nature which causes me alarm. Supposing one of the boxers responded. He might not treat her politely.»

«I, on the other hand, would write her the most devoted letters, and bow, with old-world courtesy, whenever we met. Hm! All I fear, to be perfectly candid, is that a certain confounded coldness, a defect of my nature, might be a cause of pain, dissatisfaction, or longing.»

«Well, my dear Paul, that is hardly a matter for me to speculate upon. I can only remind you that faint heart never won fair lady.»

«Very well, Henry. I will at least come with you and see your sister.»

«I am afraid I cannot accompany you. You forget that I am off to Europe next week. However, I'll give you a letter of introduction to the family.»

All this being arranged, our good Paul took leave of his friend, and after walking about for a little with an air of distraction, he paid a visit to the apartment of another friend of his.

«My dear Olga,» he said, after a time, «I'm afraid I have some very ridiculous news for you. I am going to be poor no longer.»

«Tell me only one thing, Paul. Is she beautiful?»

«Not very, it seems. I have not seen her, but she is over six feet three, and disproportionately fat.»

«My poor Paul! She is simply bound to have hair on her face. What will become of you?»

«Besides all this, she is not very bright, I hear.»

«And, now I come to think of it, what will become of me?»

«She has forty thousand a year, my dear Olga.»

«Paul, we women are given to incredible follies when we are jealous. I might refuse everything. I find myself capable of jealousy.»

«But, on the other hand, are you, or am I, capable of living any longer without a little of that forty thousand a year?»

«Or some other.»

«But what other, my dear Olga? Where is another forty thousand?»

«It is true, Paul. Am I right in believing that your gigantic bride-to-be is mentally nine years, or is it twelve years old?»

«Seven, I should think, by all that Henry told me of her. She has an exuberant innocence. She writes to boxers, but caresses dolls.»

«Really? That is very interesting. Dolls are so featureless. Now, is there any great hurry, Paul? I have still that bracelet you found at Palm Beach. It would provide us with a few last weeks together.»

«I was going to suggest, as a matter of fact, that it should be my present to the bride, for I like to do things in good style. However, something may turn up. I admit that I love you.»

«You shall promise me not to go near Boston for at least a month. I shall be busy; I have decided to wear my hair short, but at least we shall meet at week ends. In between, you may say farewell to all your bachelor life.»

«Yes, that is true, Olga. I shall have to do that, I suppose.»

Everything being agreed, this young couple spent the next month or so as Olga had suggested, and at the end of it, she saw him off to Boston, with a restraint that he found almost too admirable.

He arrived at Boston, presented his letter of introduction, and was very well received by old Mrs. Vanhomry.

They got on admirably. «You are still a bachelor?» she asked.

«I cannot,» he replied, «bring myself to regard the modern girl as a true mate. Those clipped locks, that flat masculine figure, that hardness, that ultra-sophistication! Where are the curves, the innocence, the warm-heartedness of yesteryear? But why am I telling you all this — ?»

«You would have liked our dear Ethel. Such a big, healthy, affectionate, old-fashioned girl! You must meet her, and her fiancé. Perhaps you will come to the wedding?»

«Nothing could be more delightful. Unfortunately, I have to return to New York almost immediately.»

On his return, Paul called at once on Olga, but found that her flat was locked up. She had left no address; you may depend he sought her everywhere.

He saw in the papers an account of the wedding of Miss Vanhomry to a Mr. Colefax. It appeared that the happy pair were on their way to the Ritz-Carlton.

«I really must go and sit in the lobby,» said he, «and console myself with a peep at the disadvantages attached to that forty thousand a year.»

Very well, he sat in the lobby. Before very long, he saw the enormous form of what was evidently the happy bride crossing from the elevator.

«Upon my word!» he thought. «There is a great deal to be said for the simple life after all. One at least preserves one's individuality.»

He peered about for the husband. At last he saw a sensitive face in the neighbourhood of the bride's hips. «That must be the husband,» he said. «Very charming! Very charming indeed. But surely I have seen him before.»

In order to make sure, he edged closer, and was amazed to find that this husband was none other than his own Olga, in male attire.

He at once applied for a private interview. «My dear Olga, this is a very pretty trick you have played on me. And what can your bride — soi-disant — think of it all?»

«You must regard the matter rationally, my dear Paul.»

«I am so afraid there may be a scandal. You have no idea what spiteful tongues might make of it.»

«You underestimate the innocence of my wife, whose dolls, as I suspected, were very ordinary dolls. And you must admit, Paul, that if either of us is to be in this position, I at least offer less grounds for jealousy. You had better be my secretary.»

Paul submitted with a good grace, and for a long time enjoyed his occupation very tolerably. Fortunately, Henry Vanhomry remained in Europe.

On one occasion there was a dinner party at the Colefax home, and a few of the male guests, with Paul the friendly secretary, and dapper little Mr. Colefax, remained smoking together long after the gigantic bride had retired to bed. The conversation turned on women, a subject which the so-called Mr. Colefax enjoyed more than his secretary. They talked of attractions.

«My wife,» said this charming imposter, «is disarmingly simple; why try to disguise it? Nevertheless, she has an amazing personality buried, as it were, beneath her naiveté. I am convinced it is there, I sense it, and yet I could hardly find an example to describe. How do you account for that?»

«It is very simple, my dear Colefax,» said a very eminent doctor. «Your wife, if I may say so, owes her adorable simplicity, as she does her admirably robust physique, to a little glandular maladjustment, which (always supposing you should desire what professionally we should regard as an improvement) could easily be put right. Who knows what she is like underneath?»

«It would certainly be interesting to find out,» said her false husband, intrigued.

«She might be slim, vivacious, a positive butterfly,» continued the doctor.

«It would be like carving out ambergris from a whale,» observed a well-known adventurer who was present.

«Or opening a neolithic barrow,» added a famous archaeologist.

«Or undressing an Eskimo girl at Christmas,» put in a notorious Don Juan.

«You might find more than you bargain for,» observed Paul, overcome by an inexplicable foreboding.

He spoke too late. Everyone was desperately keen on the experiment.

«You must bring your dear wife to a little home that I have in Paris,» said the doctor, «where I have every facility for the treatment.»

«We shall come at once. You, Paul, had better remain behind, to deal with everything we shall have to leave unsettled.»

Paul, therefore, was left. Ethel and her spouse went on the next boat to Paris, accompanied by the doctor, and, as a matter of fact, by the adventurer, the archaeologist, and the Don Juan as well.

My Dear Paul,

You will be amazed at the result of our experiment, and possibly a little disconcerted, though you were always a connoisseur of poetic justice. Under the treatment Ethel has lost no less than a hundred pounds. The removal of this prodigious quantity of blubber has left her exposed as a lean, agile, witty, and very handsome man. «How absurd that I should have been called Ethel so long!» he observed to me when first he was apprised of this transformation. In order to put him at his ease, I replied at once, «No more absurd than that I should have been called your husband. »After all, the cat was, so to speak, out of the bag, and there was nothing else to do.

He took it extremely well, saying with a smile, «We must make the punishment fit the crime.» On my part, I was not long in promising never to deceive him again.

We are remaining on this side to avoid gossip, for the situation has a ludicrous side which we might find painful. But not nearly so ludicrous or painful, my dear Paul, as it might have proved, in all the circumstances, had you had your original wish.

Once more,

Olga