Elegy

TWENTY-TWO Resolve

After Liv’s theatrics the day before and Thea’s weary acceptance of their fate, Gemma felt more uneasy and restless than normal. Liv was nuts, and no one was going to do anything to stop her.

Gemma might have to resign herself to being a siren for the rest of her life, but that didn’t mean that everyone had to suffer. Or that anyone else had to get hurt. It was time that Gemma got a handle on her powers—no matter how evil and frightening they might be—and take care of Penn and Liv herself.

The other day, when she’d practiced shifting with Daniel, things had gone well—for the most part. But since then, she’d been having nightmares about when she’d killed Jason. When it happened, she’d blacked out, but now the dormant memories were resurfacing in brutal images that haunted her nightmares.

The guilt and the hunger plagued her, but Gemma couldn’t let either of those things stop her. The hunger would only grow stronger, so she had to learn to control it, to control her impulses and the monster inside that drove them.

She wasn’t the same scared girl she’d been when she ran off with the sirens in June, and it was time she stopped acting like that.

Her room felt too small to practice any of the larger transformations, so she decided to try things out in the garage.

It was mostly empty since her dad parked his truck in the driveway, behind her dead car. A couple sawhorses, a few old cinder blocks, and a tool chest sat in the middle of the room, and Gemma pushed them to the side, so she’d have more space.

One small window let the sunlight stream in. There were no blinds to cover it, but it faced Alex’s house, so she didn’t think there was a high risk of anybody peeping in to see her.

So with everything out of the way and ready, Gemma focused and tried to make her wings appear.

And nothing happened.

Squeezing her eyes shut, balling up her fists, and trying with all her might did nothing. She even tried holding her breath, and her face had probably begun to turn bright red when a knock at the side door interrupted her, and she started breathing again.

It wasn’t the door that led into the house or the large garage door for the cars, but the door on the side, so Gemma opened it cautiously and found Alex, grinning at her. His hair was damp, and he smelled sweetly of apple shampoo.

“What are you doing here?” Gemma asked him with a confused smile.

“I just got done with work a little bit ago, so I thought I’d stop over and see if you wanted to hang out. Then I saw you through the window.” He pointed to it. “What are you doing out here?”

She wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her arm. It wasn’t even that warm out, but she’d been straining so hard, she’d begun to perspire. “I was trying to practice transforming, but it hasn’t been going so well.”

Alex leaned on the doorframe and cocked an eyebrow. “Transforming?”

“Like how the sirens change. I can do that, and I need to learn to harness my strength so that I can fight them,” she explained. “I need to be able to stop them if I need to.”

“So you’re gonna turn into that weird monster now?” Alex asked, and he didn’t show any of the fear or revulsion she’d been expecting.

“Eventually,” she admitted. “I want to work my way back up to it. I tried the other day with Daniel, and nothing bad happened, but it’s at the very edge of my control. I thought I’d try with something safer today, like just the wings.”

He nodded and straightened up. “So how can I help?”

Gemma had been hanging on to the door and standing in front of Alex, blocking his entry to the garage, and when he made like he meant to step inside, she didn’t move. “Thanks for the offer, but it’s probably better if I try it on my own.”

“Why?” He shook his head, not understanding. “You practiced with Daniel the other day.”

She looked up into his eyes, trying to get a read on him, and tilted her head. “You can’t be jealous over that.”

“No I’m not,” Alex agreed. “At least not the way you mean.”

“Why on earth would you be jealous? He put himself in danger, and that’s nothing you should want for yourself.”

“Because you rely on him more than you do me,” he told her. In the last month, Alex had gotten much better at hiding his feelings, and he kept his expression even, but his dark eyes betrayed the hurt he felt. “I’m much stronger than you give me credit for, Gemma.”

“This isn’t about strength. This is about my not wanting to do anything that could hurt you ever again.” She stared up at him, imploring him to understand.

“You don’t care if Daniel gets hurt?” Alex countered.

“No, of course I do, but…”

She sighed and stepped back from the door. Alex stayed where he was, standing in the doorway, and she leaned back against a sawhorse.

“You think he can handle it better than I can,” Alex said.

She shrugged. “He’s just been around it more.”

“Gemma, I’ve known you for over ten years. I’ve seen the sirens you’re fighting against. I said I’d do anything to be with you, and I meant it, knowing full well who you are and what you have in your life.” He’d been walking toward her as he spoke, and he stopped right in front of her, so close that her legs were brushing up against his. “I can handle you and your monsters. But you have to trust me.”

“What if I hurt you?”

He reached down and took her hand in his. “I would rather get hurt fighting by your side than live forever a hundred miles away.”

“So you really wanna do this? You wanna be a part of everything?” Gemma asked.

“I do.”

“Okay.” She smiled at him. “Close the door.”

When Alex went to shut the door, Gemma got up and walked to the center of the room. She stretched her neck from side to side and rolled her shoulders.

“I haven’t figured out how to force the changes yet. I’m gonna try to make this happen, but I’m not sure that anything will.”

Alex leaned back against the freezer chest and crossed his arms over his chest. “How did you do it the other day?”

“I was thinking of things that scared me,” she said, remembering how she’d changed in the Paramount Theater. “Terror seems to incite the transformation, like it’s a defense mechanism. But I don’t think it’s good for me to be so afraid, to make the change happen that way.”

He nodded. “That makes sense. Like in the Green Lantern comics, the yellow power harnesses fear, making it unstable and corruptible. You want something purer, like willpower or hope or love.”

Gemma couldn’t help but laugh a little at her boyfriend. “I like how you can bring any topic back to comics.”

“But it’s true, right?” Alex asked. “How many times have you fully transformed into the monster?”

“Only once fully.” She lowered her eyes, and her heart tightened at the memory. “With Daniel, I was almost full, but not completely. I’ve been able to do my hands a few times, and my wings just the once.”

“And each time you transformed, were you scared?” Alex asked.

She swallowed hard and nodded. “I was terrified. I thought I would be hurt or killed, or that someone I care about would be hurt or killed.”

“You were letting fear control you and, in turn, the monster. You need to be the one in control.”

“So I need to just will wings to sprout from my back?” Gemma asked.

He shrugged. “Yeah.”

Gemma thought back to when she’d made her wings come out before. Lexi had just thrown her over the cliff, and Gemma was perched on a rock as the waves crashed around her while Daniel fought for his life against Lexi back up at the top. The wings had been slow to come even though Gemma was willing them to with all her might. It had only been her fear that had finally spurred the change on.

“I’m not sure I can do it. Not without channeling some of my fear,” she insisted.

“If you let your fear motivate you, then you’re not in control. The monster is. And that’s when someone will get hurt.”

“I know, but I don’t know how else to do it.” She ran her hand through her hair in exasperation. “Maybe there is no other way. Maybe the sirens are all just channeling their fear and hunger, and that’s how they morph.”

“You really think Penn is afraid that often?” Alex asked dubiously.

“Maybe not, but she’s probably hungry all the time.”

Alex chewed his thumbnail and stared down at the floor. His bangs fell over his forehead, and Gemma knew that expression well. She’d seen it when he’d been working on homework or struggling with a level on a video game. He wore it whenever he was trying to work something out.

“What are you most afraid of?” he asked finally, and lifted his head.

“You mean besides getting myself and the people I care about killed?” Gemma asked with an empty laugh.

“Which are you more afraid of—dying yourself or other people dying?”

“I don’t want to die, but … It would be much worse if something happened to you or Harper or my parents or Daniel.”

“Why?”

Gemma laughed again. “What do you mean, why?”

“Why would it be so terrible if I died?” Alex asked directly.

“Because.” She didn’t understand what he was getting at, but he was trying to figure out something, so she decided to go with it. “I love you. But that’s not even the worst part of your dying. As much as it would kill me to lose you, the real tragedy of your death would have nothing to do with me.

“You are kind and smart and loyal and amazing, and you have so much that you have yet to experience and so much that you can and will give back to the world. You need a full, wonderful life, and the thought of cutting that short, even by a second, is one of the worst things I can imagine.”

“Then think of that,” Alex said. “If your will alone isn’t enough, then think of love. Not just me, but Harper and your mom. Anyone that means anything to you. Love is stronger than fear.”

“Okay.”

Gemma closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She tried to focus on Alex—not on the fear of losing him but on how much she loved him. Thinking of his kisses, the way his arms felt around her, the way he laughed, and she imagined her wings breaking through her skin.

“You can do this. Look at me,” Alex said, his voice firm and confident, and she opened her eyes to meet his. “Gemma. You’ve got this.”

And then she saw it again, the way she had when they’d kissed before. Her whole world was in his eyes. There was only love, and only him, and as she exhaled slowly, she felt it begin. Her shoulders began to itch, then she heard the bones crack and the tearing. Heat seared both of her shoulder blades, and Alex’s eyes widened, and his jaw slacked.

And she could feel them. Her wings spread out behind her, and when she moved them, she felt the air moving through her feathers.

“That is amazing.” Alex was in awe as he stared up at her wings, glistening like copper in the light through the garage window.

She smiled at him. “I did it.”

“You did. I knew you could.”

He grinned and walked over to her. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he leaned in for a kiss, but just before their lips met, he stopped. He pulled his hand back, and his fingertips were red.

“You’re bleeding,” Alex said, and looked down at her with concern.

“Yeah, the wings bleed. And hurt.” She grimaced even though the pain had stopped. “I don’t know why because the rest of the transformation doesn’t.”

He wiped the blood off on his jeans and tentatively reached up to touch one of her wings. When he ran his fingers over the silky feathers, Gemma felt a shiver of pleasure run through her.

“Maybe Demeter thought the wings were too much of a blessing, so she added a little pain so you’d know they were really a curse,” Alex said as he admired her wings.

“Maybe.”

“So…” His arm was still around her waist, and he smiled down at her. “Do you wanna take these wings out for a spin?”

“I can’t exactly fly out from the garage.” Gemma put her arms around his neck and leaned against him. “Thea and Penn sometimes fly around town, but they’re better at entrancing people, so they forget they saw them. I’d rather not risk having to hypnotize any birdwatchers and sightseers, especially since Capri is overrun with tourists this week.”

“Okay,” Alex said with some reluctance. “But you owe me one flight, okay?”

“You really want me to take you out?” Gemma asked.

“Yeah. Not every part of this damned siren thing is terrible, so we might as well enjoy the good parts while we can.”

He put his other arm around her, pressing her to him. Her halter top had ridden up when she put her arms around his neck, and his hands felt warm and strong on the exposed flesh between her top and shorts.

Finally, Alex leaned down and kissed her. She stood on her tiptoes, trying to kiss him more deeply, but the wings put her off balance. Gemma started to fall forward, pushing Alex back, and instinctively, her wings began to flap, trying to steady her.

The garage was really too small for a wingspan of her length to be able to flap, and she only succeeded in knocking tools off the wall and tipping over a sawhorse. She moved, trying to get away from the more dangerous tools, and she only succeeded in tumbling forward. Alex landed on his back, and she fell on top of him.

“I never realized how hard it must be for Big Bird to make out,” Alex said, and Gemma began to laugh.

The garage door leading inside the house suddenly opened, and Brian leaned in, probably summoned by the noise from her knocking things down.

“What’s going on?” Brian demanded.

Gemma had been lying on top of Alex, so she scrambled to get up before her dad decided to go retrieve his shotgun again. Alex hurried to do the same, smoothing out his shirt as Brian glared down at them.

“I was just trying out my wings, and I fell,” Gemma said sheepishly.

Brian looked at her wings, but he kept his expression hard, then glared back at Alex. “You may think that because my daughter has wings and all kinds of strange powers that I won’t kick your ass if you hurt her. But you’d be wrong.”

“Dad!” Gemma said, but she wasn’t really mad. She knew that a lot of things were out of his control now that Gemma was exposed to dangers he couldn’t fight. All he could really do was try to protect her from the things he still could, like teenage boys.

“I understand, Mr. Fisher,” Alex said respectfully.

“Good.” Brian nodded, and when he looked at Gemma’s wings again, he was a little awed. “Those are amazing. Good work.” He started to head back into the house, then he stopped. “Leave this door open. Okay?”