Brain World

Chapter Five

They had a several-day wait before getting a spacecraft going through to Einstein, and spent it getting their stories straight. They were both to be from the Commissariat of Interplanetary Affairs, but not from the Bureau of Investigation and certainly not from Section G. Irene Kasansky had new papers done up for them. Metaza had the Director of the Commissariat write letters of introduction. Dorn Horsten’s wardrobe was already properly conservative for a plenipotentiary but Ronny Bronston ordered a complete new outfit.

They were even interviewed by a newsman.

Sid Jakes made arrangements for them to be assigned an office in the main section of the Commissariat so that the reporter wouldn’t smell a rat. There must be no indication that Section G was in any manner connected with the mission.

Properly seated and with a drink on the small table next to his chair, the reporter said, “I’m Nick Pond. Now, let’s see. You’re Doctor Dorn M. Horsten, eminent biologist, originally from the member planet Brobdingnag.”

“That is correct,” Dorn nodded politely.

The reporter turned to Ronny. “And you are Citizen Ronald Bronston, born here on Earth, and formerly employed by Population Statistics in New Copenhagen, but now a diplomat for the Commissariat of Interplanetary Affairs.”

Ronny pursed his lips judiously. “Diplomat is possibily not quite the word, Citizen Pond. Doctor Horsten and I are merely an advance party going to Einstein to make the preliminary arrangements for that world to join the United Planets.”

“What preliminary arrangements? I’ve never heard of such a mission before.”

Ronny nodded agreement. “You are quite correct. This is the first time it has ever been done. You see, although Einstein was one of the very early planets to be colonized by mankind, we know very little about it. We are to report upon their institutions such as their government, their socio-economic system, their… ”

“Just a minute,” Nick Pond said. “Wouldn’t that be interfering with their internal affairs, as prohibited by Articles One and Two of the United Planets Charter?”

“Of course not,” Ronny said. “The Charter applies only to members of the United Planets. Einstein is not as yet a member.”

The reporter scowled but looked at Dorn Horsten and said, “I looked up your career in our news morgue as an algae research specialist. Why would a biologist be sent on an expedition such as this?”

The doctor pushed his pince-nez glasses back further on the bridge of his nose and beamed at him. He said, “Einstein is known to be one of the most scientifically oriented worlds in the known galaxy. Surely, it is appropriate that a scientist be sent in to the preliminary negotiations. I look forward to making new friends, finding new colleagues.”

Nick Pond frowned and looked off into unseen distances. He muttered, “Something doesn’t ring true about this. It’s never been done before.”

Ronny stiffened. All this damned newshawk had to do was broadcast his suspicions and just as sure as the Holy Ultimate made little green apples it would get back to Einstein, and they’d be on their guard.

He said, “Citizen Pond, could I make some off the record comments?”

The other eyed him. “Wizard.”

“All right. It’s true that this is a new departure. And it’s time for it, too. There are now 2436 worlds that belong to our confederation. When United Planets was first conceived of and organized, it was even looser than it is now. We let in anybody without the slightest investigation whatsoever. And some of them were truly far-out. However, once in, there was no provision in the United Planets Charter for expelling a world that was a member, unless it violated Article Two. As a result, we allowed to join such planets as Stalin, whose socio-economic system was an early and vicious form of communism. On the other extreme was Phrygia, governed by an ambitious dictator and militarist. And New Delos, a theocracy, ruled by a supposed immortal God-King, who ground down the people unmercifully. Happily, the government was overthrown on Stalin and New Delos too, for that matter, after the God-King was assassinated by his subjects. And Phrygia was destroyed in a catastrophe still unexplained.”

The reporter said, “Your point being that United Planets wishes to be more selective in the future?”

“Yes. At the time she was destroyed, Phrygia, which was militarily far advanced, was making plans to dominate first her closer neighbors, then all of United Planets. We want no more such members in our ranks.”

“I see. But why Einstein? I understand, though we have practically nothing on her in our data banks, she’s composed of a citizenry of, ah, stutes, ah, eggheads they called them in the old days.”

“No particular reason for Einstein. You have to start somewhere. As you say, we know very little about her. That is why Doctor Hofsten and I are going to make a preliminary investigation.”

Ronny smiled wryly. “For all we know, perhaps all of these brains have gone to their head.”

The reporter laughed dutifully and came to his feet. “Well, thanks, gentlemen. And have a good trip. I’ll mention it in passing on my program but won’t play it up.”

They stood, too, and went through the standard amenities.

Pond smiled and said, “I won’t mention the fact that you’re really a couple of snoops for United Planets.” The following day they took the shuttle from Greater Washington to Neuve Albuquerque and booked passage on the passenger-freighter SF Sheppard.

It was a strictly routine interplanetary journey and both Ronny and Dorn Horsten had been on a dozen or more spacecraft similar to the Sheppard. Routine was the only word. Somehow, the faster man travels, the less interesting the trip becomes. If one walks, one experiences much, sees a good deal. There is less if one rides a horse, or bicycles. There is still less if one speeds along a road in an automobile, and still less when the road becomes a super-highway and speed can be doubled. Still less does one experience in an airliner; aside from take-off and landing, there is precious little to do or see. But space travel, especially in underspace? Pure boredom.

All passengers—there were only three besides Dorn Horsten and Ronny—ate at the captain’s table.

At the first dinner in space, the skipper fixed his eyes on the two Section G agents. He was a grumpy old spacehound and should have been beyond retirement age. However, some of the planets specializing in interplanetary commerce, and often using over-aged space freighters, sometimes hired these old timers, since they could get them more cheaply. The aged spacehounds, after a lifetime going about the galaxy, found it impossible to adjust to surface life, and hung onto any job they could get that would keep them in interplanetary travel.

He said, “So you’re going to Einstein?”

Ronny sensed an opportunity to learn something additional about their destination. He said, “Why, yes. You’ve been there before?”

“Often,” the captain growled, breaking a roll in disgust. “It’s part of our regular run. Worst liberty set-down in the system. The crew hate it. I don’t blame them. Seldom leave my ship, myself, but spacemen need relaxation between jumps.”

Dorn and Ronny both looked at him questioningly.

The doctor said casually, in his mild voice, “What’s wrong with Einstein?”

“Nothing.”

They still looked at him.

He buttered his roll. The other passengers, three men, all of whom were obviously in interplanetary commerce, didn’t bother to listen. The ennui of space had already set in.

He said, “And nothing right, either, from a spaceman’s viewpoint. There’s nothing to do.”

Ronny said, “How do you mean?”

“There’s not even a bar at the spaceport. You can’t understand theTri-Di. Even if you could, the kind of shows they run you can’t… ”

Ronny said, “What do you mean, you can’t understand the Tri-Di?”

“They don’t speak Basic, or even Amer-English.”

“Oh. You mean on none of the programs? I’ve been on planets, such as Paris, where they continue to speak an old Earth language called French, or that damned Neu Reich, where they speak German, but everybody spoke Basic as well, and a good many of the theatres and Tri-Di and TV shows were in it, usually entertainment they’d imported from other planets.”

“On none of the programs,” the captain growled. “The cloddies never import entertainment from other planets. They make it clear they think it’s too juvenile.”

Ronny took a sip of wine before saying, still in puzzlement, “But there must be other types of entertainment in the cities besides those dependent on language—nightclubs, bars… ”

“There are no cities. Even if there were, there wouldn’t be any nightclubs or bars. From what I hear, they don’t drink alcohol, or anything else that’s supposedly bad for your health, for that matter. Not even coffee.”

Dorn Horsten said, “No cities?”

“They don’t like them.”

Ronny said in protest, “But you’ve got to have cities.”

“Evidently, they don’t think so,” the captain said. “I was talking to one of their customs officials, if that’s what you could call him, once, and he explained it to me. He said that, by the time the colonists arrived on Einstein from Earth, cities were already what he called an anachronism. The original reasons for being no longer applied. Originally, they were centers for defense, centers for trade, centers for manufacture, education, religion. Obviously, the defense reason is out now. In modern warfare, where you still find it at all, a city is just a sitting duck. And with modern methods of transportation, computers and automation, you can put your manufacturing plants and distribution centers anywhere. You don’t need a city for them. And with modern communications and planet-wide data banks, you don’t need cities for educational centers. As far as religion is concerned, damn few people are religious any more, especially on Einstein, but you can always tune in Tri-Di if you want to hear a sermon.”

“Well, this is a new one for me,” Ronny said. “I’ve never been on a planet that didn’t have at least small cities. Don’t they even have towns?”

“No. They like privacy and they don’t like congestion, pollution and the other alleged shortcomings of cities and towns.”

One of the other passengers, a red-faced type, yawned and said, “Have you all heard the one about the lovelorn gorilla? It’s the funniest dirty joke I ever heard.”