Book of Shadows

CHAPTER 21 The Thin Line

Early the next morning the phone rang. It was Robbie.

"What's going on?" he asked. "Last night Bree said you weren't going to come to circles anymore."

Bree's assumption that I would give in to her so easily filled me with fury. I swallowed it and said, "That isn't true. That's what she wants. It isn't what I want. Samhain is next Saturday, and I'll be there."

Robbie paused for a few seconds. "What's going on between you two? You're best friends."

"You don't want to know," I said tersely.

"You're right," he said. "I probably don't want to know. Anyway, we're meeting in the cornfields to the north of town, on the other side of the road from where Mabon was. We're going to meet at eleven-thirty, and if we decide we want to be initiated as students into a new coven, that will happen at midnight."

"Wow, okay. Are you… are you going to do it?"

"We're not really supposed to talk about it or decide yet," Robbie explained. "Cal said to just think about it in a completely personal way. Oh, and everyone has to bring stuff. I volunteered you for flowers and apples."

"Thanks, Robbie," I said sincerely. "Do we have to wear anything special?"

"Black or orange," he said. "See you tomorrow."

"Okay, thanks."

Church that day was much as usual. Father Hotchkiss noted that it was best to have a defensive line without gaps so that evil would have no place to gain access to your soul.

I leaned across my mom to Mary K. "Note to self," I whispered. "No gaps for evil."

She hid her grin behind her program.

That day I felt hyper-tuned in to the service, despite Father Hotchkiss. I wondered if following Wicca meant I really, truly couldn't ever come to church again. I decided it wouldn't. I knew that I would miss church if I stopped coming, and I also knew that my parents would kill me. Later on in my life, if I had to choose between one or the other, I could do it then. I thought about what Paula Steen had said, about it's what you brought to something that mattered.

Today I listened to the hymns and to the massive European organ played by Mrs. Lavender, as it had been since my mom was a child. I loved the candles and the incense and the formal procession of gold-robed priests and white-clothed altar boys and girls. I had been an altar girl for a couple of years, and so had Mary K. It was all so comforting, so familiar.

After church and brunch at the Widow's Diner, I went to the grocery store with that week's shopping list. On my way, I hopped up to Red Kill, to Practical Magick. I didn't plan to buy anything and didn't see anyone I knew, but I stood in the book section, reading up about Samhain for a while. I decided to bring a black candle next Saturday since black is the color that helps ward off negativity. Meanly I was tempted to buy Bree a roomful of black candles.

My anger at her was still white-hot. I couldn't believe her incredibly arrogant notion that she could kick me out of the circle. It only highlighted the harsh fact that in our relationship, she had always been the leader. I had always been the follower. I saw that now, and it made me angry with myself, too.

I dreaded going to school the next day.

"May I help you?" A pleasant-faced older woman, inches shorter than me, stood smiling at me as I looked at candles.

I decided to jump in headfirst. "Urn, yes. I need a black candle for Samhain," I said.

"Certainly." She nodded and reached for the black candle section. "You're lucky we still have some left. People have been snapping these up all week." She held up two different black candles: one a thick pillar about a foot tall, the other a long, slim taper about fourteen inches tall.

"Both of these would be appropriate," she said. "The pillar lasts longer, but the taper is very elegant, too."

The pillar was much more expensive.

"Um, I guess I'll take the… pillar," I said. I had meant to say taper, but it hadn't come out that way. The woman nodded knowingly.

"I think the pillar wants to go home with you," she said, as if it was normal for a candle to choose its owner. "Will this be all for you?"

"Yes." I followed her to the checkout, thinking how un-creepy she was and how much more I liked her than the other clerk.

"If I brought flowers on Samhain, what kind should I bring?" I asked her a little self-consciously.

She smiled as she rang up my purchase."Whichever ones want you to buy them," she said cheerfully. Then she looked closely into my eyes, as if searching for something.

"Are you-" she began. "You must be the girl David was telling me about," she said thoughtfully.

"Who's David?"

"The other clerk here," she explained. "He said a young witch comes in here who pretends not to be a witch. It's you, isn't it? You're a friend of Cal's."

I was stunned. "Um…"

She smiled broadly. "Yep, it's you, all right. How nice to meet you. My name's Alyce. If you ever need anything, you just let me know. You're going to walk a difficult road for a while."

"How do you know that?" I blurted out.

She looked surprised as she put my candle into a bag. "I just do," she said. "The way you know things. You understand what I'm talking about."

I didn't say anything. I took my bag and practically flew from the store, equally fascinated and unnerved.

On Monday morning I went defiantly to the benches where the Wicca group gathered and sat down, dropping my backpack at my feet. Beyond looking surprised to see me, Bree ignored me.

"We missed you Saturday night," Jenna said.

"Bree said you weren't coming anymore," Ethan put in.

There. It was right out in the open. I felt Cat's eyes on me.

"No, I am coming. I want to be a witch," I said clearly. "I think I'm supposed to be."

Jenna giggled nervously. Cal smiled, and I smiled back at him, aware of how Bree's jaw tightened.

"That's cool," Ethan said. "Here, push over," he said to Sharon, nudging her thigh with his knee.

With a put-upon sigh Sharon made room, and Ethan grinned. I watched them, suddenly recognizing a certain awareness between them. It blew my mind: Sharon and Ethan? Could they be interested in each other?

"Uh-oh, an outlander," Matt muttered jokingly, and Raven smirked.

Tamara walked up.

"Hi," I said, genuinely pleased to see her.

"Hi," Tamara said, looking around at the group. "Hey, Morgan, did you do all the functions homework last weekend? I really got stuck on number three."

I thought back. "Yeah, I did it. You want to go over it?"

"That'd be great," she said.

I grabbed my backpack. "No problem. See you all later?" I said to the group, and followed Tamara inside to the school library. For the next ten minutes we worked on the problem, me and Tamara, and it was so nice. I felt almost normal.

"I'm glad you're coming to Samhain," Cal said.

I looked back to see him following me out of calculus class. My locker was outside the lunchroom, and I had to switch books before Wednesday's chem lab.

I nodded and spun my locker combination. "I've been reading up on it. I'm looking forward to it."

"You think you want to be initiated as a student," he stated. "You need to think about whether you want to be part of this new coven." Tiny lines crinkled around his eyes as he smiled and leaned against the locker next to mine. "I know it's complicated for you at home."

I let myself look deeply into his eyes. There was a tide there, and it was pulling me strongly.

"Yes, I want to be a student," I said. "Even if you aren't a high priest. And yes, I want to be in your new coven. I've agonized over this. My parents are terrified of Wicca. They don't want me to do it, but I can't let them make this decision for me any longer. I'm feeling more certain every day."

"Give yourself a chance to think about it," he advised.

"I hardly think about anything else," I admitted.

He held my eyes and nodded. "See you in physics." He pushed off and left me there with a tingly, fluttery feeling in my stomach.

Bree wasn't my friend anymore, and that gave me the space to ask a simple question I'd been terrified to ask myself. Could Cal love me the way I loved him? Could we be together?

"Quick! Quick! Give me the tape!" Mary K. said, waving her hands. She was up on a ladder in our dining room. My mom was due home soon, and we were decorating for her birthday.

"Hang on," I said, twisting the two streamers together. "Here."

"Dad's picking up Thai food?" Mary K. asked, taping the streamers in place.

"Yep. And Aunt Eileen is picking up the ice-cream cake."

"Yum."

I stood back. The dining room looked pretty festive.

"What's all this?" my mom asked, standing in the doorway. Mary K. and I both screamed.

"What are you doing home?" I cried. "We're not ready yet!"

Mary K. waved her hands. "Shoo! Go upstairs! Change! We need ten more minutes!"

My mom looked around and laughed."You two," she said, then she went to go change.

Mom's birthday was fun, and nothing went wrong. She opened her presents, exclaiming over the Celtic-knot pin I gave her, the CD from Mary K., the earrings from my dad, and two books from Eileen. She wasn't recognizable as the person who had screamed at me just a few weeks ago. I smiled as she cut her cake, feeling a sense of doom about what was coming up on Saturday. But tonight we were all happy.

On Thursday, I was slumped in a chair in the school library during study hall, reading the Samhain chapter in one of my books. Tamara came up and tipped the book back to see its title.

"Are you still doing this stuff?" she asked softly, friendly interest in her face.

I nodded. "It's really cool," I said, the words lame and inadequate. "We've been holding circles every week, although I haven't been able to get to many."

"What's it all about?" she asked. "What is Cal trying to do?"

I hesitated. "He's trying to find people who are interested in creating a new coven," I said.

Tamara's brown eyes grew wide. "Coven sounds pretty scary."

"Kind of," I admitted. "But that's just because of… bad publicity," I guessed. "It's not scary at all. His coven will be more like a… study group."

Tamara nodded, not seeming to know what to say.

"Want to go to a movie tomorrow night?" I asked suddenly.

Her face broke into a wide smile. "That would be great. Can I ask Janice, too?"

"Yeah. Let's see what's playing at the Meadowlark," I suggested.

"Cool," said Tamara. "See you later. Happy reading."

I grinned, feeling lighthearted as she sat down across the room.

A moment later, with no warning, Bree dropped into the chair next to me. I tensed. "Relax," she said. "I just wanted to tell you that phase one of Bree and Cal is complete. I need a little more time, and then you can come to circles all you want."

I stared at her. "What are you talking about?"

"He's given in," she said happily. "He's mine. Give me a few more weeks to solidify it, and this will all be behind us."

"You've got to be kidding," I said, sitting up straighten. "This will never be behind us. Don't you get it? You chose a guy over our friendship. I don't even know why you're talking to me now." I looked into her beautiful face, once as familiar as my own.

"I'm talking to you to tell you to quit overreacting." She stuck out her booted foot and tapped my knee gently. "We both said things we didn't mean, but we'll get over it. We always do. All I need is a little more time with Cal."

I shook my head. I just wanted her to leave.

"You know what I'm talking about," she said softly, watching my face. "Cal and I finally went to bed. So we're going out. In a few weeks we'll be a solid couple. Then you can come back to circles."

A piercing pain in my chest startled me, and I swallowed and rubbed my shirt between my nearly nonexistent breasts. Twenty lightning-flash images of Cal and Bree intertwined on his bed, lit candles surrounding them, zipped through my brain, leaving it feeling raw and wounded. Oh God.

"How nice for you," I managed, pleased with the steadiness of my voice. "But I don't care if you're screwing everyone in the circle. You can't tell me what to do. I will be at Samhain." Anger fueled the words spooling out of my mouth. "You see, Bree, the difference between us is that I really am interested in becoming a witch. Not just pretending to be so I can seduce a good-looking guy."

"When did you become such a bitch?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Maybe I hung out with you too long."

She unfolded herself from the chair and moved off with such feminine grace that I felt like a rock sitting there.

It's true what they say. There's a thin line between love and hate.