Why You Were Taken

Journal entry 29 March 1988

Westville

In the news: –- Something about an ANC rep being assassinated in Paris. Not sure, just heard something about it on the radio.

After staying in bed for three (?) days, P showered me (washed my hair, tenderly), dressed me, and hauled me off to a shrink. After an hour or so of talking she explained to P & I that it looks like I have something called Post Partum Depression - PPD. I knew about Baby Blues – most women feel some kind of down after giving birth (hormone crash, exhaustion, disillusionment, etc.) but this is different.

Just admitting the terrible thoughts I have been having (only when P was out of the room) helped me. Judy (the shrink) asked me lots of questions and we went through a checklist of symptoms. Just knowing the symptoms exist on a piece of paper made me feel slightly better – definitely less guilty. Other mothers also feel this way? It was like a huge raven that had been sitting on my shoulder shook his feathers and flew away.

She gave me some pills and I need to go back to see her a few times a week until I’m better. Before the session I had so little energy that I felt like I didn’t even care about getting better anymore. Now I feel like I would do anything to feel better. P kept glancing over at me on the way home, not sure if it was because he was worried or relieved.