Wastelands: Stories of the Apocalipse

KILLERS by Carol Emshwiller

Most people left because of no water. I don’t know where they found a place where things were any better. Some of us felt safer here than anywhere else. And even way before the war wound down, it was hard to pick up and go someplace. No gas for civilians. Pretty soon no gas at all.

After the bombing of our pipeline (one man with a grenade could have done that), we got together and moved the town up higher, along a stream and put in ditches so that the water came past several houses. We have to carry water into the house in buckets and we have to empty the sink by hand, back out into the yard. At least the water flows into our kitchen gardens and past our fruit trees. In warm weather, we bathe in our irrigation ditch, in colder we sponge off inside, in basins, but there’s hardly any cold weather anymore.

There wasn’t much to moving the town since most of us were gone already. All the able-bodied men, of course, so it took us women to make the move ourselves and without horses or mules. The enemy stole them or killed them or maimed them just to make things harder for us.

No electricity, though some of the women think they can hook the dam back up and get some. Nobody has bothered to try it yet. In a way none of this bothers me as much as you’d think. I always liked walking, and we have rendered fat lamps and candles that send out a soft, cozy glow.

Our house was already well above where the town used to be. Good because I didn’t want to move. I want my brother to have our old home to come back to. And besides, I couldn’t move Mother.

Beyond our back yard there used to be the Department of Water and Power, after that Forest Service land, and then the John Muir wilderness. Now the town has moved above me, and of course there’s no DWP or Forest Service anymore.

Our house has a good view. We always sat on the front steps and looked at the mountains. Now that everybody has moved up the mountain side, everybody has a good view.

The town below is empty. The Vons and K-mart are big looted barns. Up here there’s one small store where we sell each other our produce or our sewing and knitting. Especially socks. Hard to get socks these days. Before the war we were so wasteful nobody darned anymore, but now we not only darn but reinforce the heels and toes of brand new socks before we wear them.

We moved the little library up. Actually it’s got more books than before. We brought all the books we could find, ours and those from the people who left. We don’t need a librarian. Everybody brings them back honor system.

We have a little hospital but no doctors, just a couple of elderly nurses who were too old to be recruited. They’re in their seventies and still going. They’ve trained new ones. No medicines though. Only what we can get from local herbs. We went to the Paiute to find out more. There’s a couple of Paiute nurses, who come to help out every now and then, though they have their own nursing to do on the reservation. (They moved the rez up, too, and they don’t call it the reservation anymore.)

It’s a woman’s town now. Full of women’s arts and crafts…. Quilt makers, sweater knitters…. And the women do the heavy work. There’s a good roof repair group and there’s carpenters….

Lots of women went to war along with the men, but I had to look after Mother. I was taking care of her even before my brother left. She wasn’t exactly sick but she was fat and she drank. Her legs looked terrible, full of varicosities. It hurt her to walk so she didn’t. When the war came she got a little better because of the shortages, though there was still plenty of homemade beer, but she couldn’t walk. Or wouldn’t. I think her muscles had all withered away. Looking after somebody who can’t walk seems normal to me. I’ve done it since I can first remember anything.

Now that Mother’s gone I have a chance to do something useful. If I knew the war was still going on in some specific place, I’d go fight, but it seems to be over. Maybe. It didn’t stop exactly. I don’t know how it ended or even if it’s ended. We don’t have a way to find out, but there hasn’t been any action that we know of for quite some time. Overhead, nothing flies by. Not even anything old fashioned. (Not that we ever had any action to speak of way out here. Except for the bombing of our pipeline and stealing our livestock, nobody cared much about us.)

But that’s the way the war was, hardly a beginning and hardly an end. Wars aren’t like they used to be—with two clearly separated sides. The enemy was among us even before it started. They could never win a real old-fashioned war with us, they were weak and low tech, but low tech was good enough as long as there were lots of them. You never knew who to trust, and we still don’t. Our side put all we could in internment camps, practically everybody with black eyes and hair and olive skin, but you can’t get them all. And then the war went on so long we used up all our resources, but they still had theirs—sabotage doesn’t ever have to stop. They escaped from the camps. Actually they just walked away. The guards had already walked away, too.

Lots of those men brought their injuries and craziness to our mountains. Both sides came here to get away from everything. They’re hermits. They don’t trust anybody. Some of them are still fighting each other up there. It’s almost as bad as having left-over mine fields. They’re all damaged, physically or mentally. Of course most likely all of us are, too, and we probably don’t even know it.

My brother might be out there somewhere. If he’s alive he’s got to be here. He loves this place. He hunted and trapped and fished. He’d get along fine and I know he’d do anything to come back.

Most of those men don’t come down to us even if they’re starving or cold or sick. Those that do, come to steal. They take our tomatoes and corn and radishes. Other things disappear, too. Kitchen knives, spoons, fishhooks…. And of course sweaters and woolen socks…. Those crazies live up even higher than we do. It does still get cold up there.

And they are crazies. And now one of them has been killing other men and dumping them at the edge of the village. They’ve all been shot in the back by wooden crossbow darts. Beautifully carved and polished. I hope it isn’t one of our side. Though I don’t suppose sides matter anymore.

Every time this happens, before we put them into the depository, I go to check if it’s my brother. I wouldn’t want my brother in the depository. Ever. But those men are always such a mess—dirty and bearded—I wonder, would I recognize him? I keep thinking: How could I not? But I was only fifteen when he left. He was eighteen. He’d be thirty-two now. If he’s alive.

We’re all a little edgy even if it’s not us getting killed. And then last night I saw someone looking in my window. I’d been asleep but I heard a noise and woke up. I saw the silhouette of a lumpy hat and a mass of tangled hair flying out from under it, the moonlit sky glowing behind. I called out, “Clement!” I didn’t mean to. I was half asleep and in that state I knew it was my brother. Whoever it was ducked down in a hurry and I heard the crunch, crunch of somebody running away. Afterwards I got scared. I could have been shot as I slept.

The next morning I saw footprints and it looked like somebody had spent some time behind my shed.

I keep hoping it’s my brother, though I wouldn’t want him to be the one killing those poor men, but you’d think he wouldn’t be afraid of coming to his own house. Of course he doesn’t know that Mother is dead. I can understand him being afraid of her. They never got along. When she was drunk she used to throw things at him. If he got close enough, she’d grab his arm and twist. Then he got too strong for her. But he couldn’t be afraid of me. Could he? I’m the baby sister.

Mother was nicer to me. She got worried I’d stay out of reach or not help anymore. I could have just walked off and left her but until she died I didn’t think of it. I actually didn’t. I’d looked after her for so long I thought that’s just the way life is. And I might not have left, anyway. She was my mother and there was nobody else to look after her but me.

If it’s my brother been looking in the window, he must know Mother isn’t here. She never left her bed. The house is small and all on one floor so he could have looked in all the windows. We have three tiny bedrooms, and one kitchen/living room combined. Mother and her big bed took up wall to wall space in the biggest bedroom.

I posted Clement’s picture at the store and the library, but of course it was a picture from long ago. In it he has the usual army shaved head. I drew a version with wild hair. Then I drew another of him bald with wild hair around the sides. (Baldness runs in our family.) I drew a different kind of beard on each of them. I put up both versions.

Leo at the store said, “He might not want to talk to you… or anybody.”

But I know that already.

“I think he’s come looking in my window.”

“Well, there you are. He’d a come in if he’d wanted to.”

“You went to war. How come you’re okay and most all the other men have gone wild?”

“I was lucky. I never saw real horror.”

Actually he may not be so okay. Most of us never married. We never had the chance with all the men gone. He could have married one of us but he never did. He lives in a messy shed behind the store and he smells, even though the ditch passes right by his store. And he’s always grumpy. You have to get used to him.

“If my brother comes around, tell him I’m going out to look for him in all his favourite spots.”

“Even if you find him he won’t come back.”

“So then I’ll go after that crazy person who’s been killing those men.”

Truth is, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to live with just me to care about. I can go anywhere and do anything. I ought to find the man who’s the killer. I have nothing else to do. Who better to do it than I?

But I might find that man right here, hiding at the edge of the village—or most likely looking in my window. Maybe I can trap him in my house. He must have been looking in for a reason.

I pack up and pretend to leave. I stay out of sight of the village. This is wild rock land—lots of hiding places. Nobody will know I didn’t go anywhere. My backpack is mostly empty. I have pepper. Pepper is hard to get these days so I’ve saved mine for a weapon. I have a small knife in my boot and a bigger one at my belt. Streams aren’t stocked anymore but there’s still fish around, though not as many as before. I bring a line and hooks. I’ll use those today. I won’t go far.

I catch a trout. I have to make a fire the old-fashioned way. No more matches. I always carry a handful of dead sage fibres for tinder. I cook the fish and eat after dark and the half-moon comes up, I sneak back to our house as if I was one of those crazies myself.

The door is wide open. There’s sand all over the floor. Couldn’t he even shut the door? These days we have sand storms and dust devils more often than we use to. Doesn’t whoever it is know that? And that’s another reason to move higher up into the trees where it’s less deserty.

I smell him before I see him. I put my knife up my sleeve so it’ll drop down into my hand.

I can hear him breathing. Sounds like scared breathing. A man this frightened will be dangerous.

He’s huddled in Mother’s bedroom down between the bed and the bedside table. All I see is his hat, pulled low so his face is in shadow. I see his bare knees showing through his torn pants. I have a better look at them than his face.

Right away I think my brother wouldn’t be in Mother’s room, he’d be in his own room. Besides, the room still smells of death and dying. I call, “Clement?” even though I know it can’t be him. “Come on out.”

He groans.

“Are you sick?” He sounds sick. I suppose that’s why he’s here in the first place. I wish I’d lit a lamp first. I was counting on the moonlight, but there isn’t much shining in here. It still could be my brother, under all that dirt and wild hair and beard, gone crazy just like everybody else.

“Come out. Come to the main room. I’ll light a lamp. I’ll fix you food.”

“No light.”

“Why not? There’s only me. And there’s no war going on anymore. It’s most likely over.”

“I pledged to fight until I died.” (I suppose my brother did, too.)

I finger my knife. “I’m going to go light the lamp.”

I deliberately turn my back. I go to the main room, light the lamp with the sparker, keeping my back to the bedroom door. I hear him come in. I turn and get a good look.

Pieced-together hat, long scraggly hair hanging under it. I can’t tell if he’s a brown man or just weather-beaten, sunburned, and dirty. A full beard with grit in it. Eyes as black as the enemy’s always are. Eyebrows just as thick as theirs. He has a broken front tooth. Nowadays that’s not unusual. Nobody to fix them. He has a greenish look under his tan and dark circles around his eyes. If he thinks he isn’t sick he doesn’t know much.

“You are the enemy. And you’re half-dead already.”

There’s a chair right beside him, but he sinks sideways to the floor. Ends up flat on our worn linoleum. If he thinks he’s still fighting the war, I should kill him now while I have the chance. He looks such a mess and smells so bad I’m almost ready to kill him just for those reasons alone. After Mother died I thought I was finished with disagreeable messes.

“Hide me. Just for tonight. I’ll leave in the morning.”

“Are you crazy?” I kneel beside him. “You’re the one killing people. I should kill you right now.”

He’s trying to prop himself up against the wall. I don’t want to touch him but I grab his shirt front to help him and the rotten cloth rips completely out.

“You stink something awful. And why would I think you won’t kill me? You’ve been killing everybody else.”

“I don’t have a weapon.”

“Strip.”

“What?”

“Take those filthy clothes off. I’ll burn them. I’ll bring you a basin to wash in.” (And I’ll find out if he has a weapon.)

He hasn’t the energy to undress or wash. I hate to touch him but I do it. I’m used to it. Mother was a mess as she was dying. (At the end I sprinkled pine needles all over but it didn’t help much.) I thought that was the last of that sort of thing I’d ever have to do. I thought I was free. But, all right, one more thing. I wash him and dress him in my brother’s old clothes, and… what then? If I kill him, the town will be grateful.

At least his body is entirely different from Mother’s, thin and strong and hairy. It’s a nice change. If he wasn’t so smelly I’d enjoy it. Well, I do enjoy it. He’s half asleep through it all.

I burn his clothes in our little stove. After I’ve washed him, I feed him jerky broth with an egg in it, though I keep thinking: Why waste my egg on him? He falls asleep right after he’s finished the broth. Slides down the wall flat out again, in what seems more a faint than a sleep.

I decide to shave him and cut his hair. He won’t notice. If he’d been more conscious I’d have asked him if he wanted a moustache or a little goatee but I’m glad he isn’t. I have fun with different haircuts, different sideburns, smaller and smaller moustaches until there’s none. Hair, too. I take off more than I meant to, except what does it matter, he’s a dead man.

Not a very handsome man whatever way I fixed his hair and beard, though along the way there were some nicer stages—better than what I ended up with. I finish by shaving him. Also not a good job. I make nicks. Where I shaved his beard, his skin is pale. His forehead, where his hat was, is pale too. There’s only a sun-browned strip across his face just below his eyes. I like the maleness of him no matter that he’s ugly. I don’t mind his broken tooth. We’re all in the same boat as to teeth.

I fall asleep at the kitchen table, right in the middle of thinking up ways to kill him. Also thinking about how we’ve all changed—how, in the olden days, I’d not ever have been thinking things at all like that.

In the morning he seems some better—well enough for me to help him stagger, first to the outhouse, and then into my brother’s room. He keeps feeling his face and hair. I stop at the hall mirror and let him take a look. He’s shocked. He has a kind of wet cat/plucked chicken look.

I say, “Sorry.” I am sorry… sorry for anybody who gets their hair cut by me. But he should be glad I haven’t slit his throat.

He stares at himself, but then says, “Thank you.” And so sincerely that I realize I’ve made him the best disguise there is. He said, “Hide me,” and I did. Nobody will take him for one of those wild men now.

I prop him up on the pillows of my brother’s bed and bring him milk and tea. He looks so much better I wonder… If he’s not going to die on his own, I’ll have to think what to do with him.

“What’s your name?”

He doesn’t answer. He could say anything. I’d have believed him and I’d have had something to call him by.

“Tell me a name. I don’t care what.” He thinks, then says, “Jal.”

“Make it Joe.”

I don’t trust him. But if he has any sense at all he knows I’m the only one can keep him safe. Though nobody has much sense anymore.

“Everybody got tired of the war a long time ago.” I bang my cup down so hard that my tea spills. “Haven’t you noticed?”

“I swore to fight to the death.”

“I’ll bet you don’t even know which side is which anymore. If you ever did.”

“You’re the ones heated up the planet. It wasn’t us. It was you and your greed.”

I haven’t been so aggravated since my brother was around. “It heated up mostly by itself. It’s done that before, you know. Besides, all that’s over. Our part in it anyway. Killing crazies isn’t going to help. You’re crazy!” Not the best thing to say to a crazy, but I go on anyway. “All you hermits are crazy. You’re nothing but trouble.”

He’s taking it all in… Maybe he is. Maybe he just doesn’t have the energy to argue.

“I’m going out to get us a rabbit. If you want to keep on making trouble, don’t be here when I come back.”

I leave. He’ll be all alone with my butcher knife and pepper. And I suppose his crossbow isn’t far off. I might as well give him a chance to show what he is.

I make the rounds of my traps. They’re lower down. I’ve set them around the town. It’s a ghost town. I’m the only one goes down there now and then… usually only on a cool day. Which hardly ever happens. Today it must be well over 110 degrees. Now our whole valley in winter is as if Death Valley in summer.

What I trap down there are rats. We cook those up and call them rabbit, though nobody cares anymore what we call them.

I find two big black ones, big as cats. We like those better than the small brown kind, lots more meat on them. (Seems as if the rats are getting bigger all the time.) My traps broke their necks. I don’t have to worry about killing them. I tie their tails to my belt, then wander the town in hopes of finding something not already scavenged. I find a quarter. I take it though it’s worthless. Maybe a Paiute might turn it into jewellery. On purpose I don’t climb back up to my house until late afternoon and until I drink all the water I brought.

Before I go in I check around my shed and house for a crossbow and darts, and then beyond, under the bushes, but I don’t find them.

He’s still there. Asleep. And no weapons that I can see, but I check the kitchen knives. The largest one, big as a machete, is gone. And he might be pretending to be sicker than he is.

Enemy or not, I do like a man in the house. I watch him sleep. He has such long eyelashes. I like the hair on his knuckles. Just looking at his hands makes me think how there’s so few men around. Actually only four. His forearms… Ours don’t ever look like that no matter how much we saw and hammer. Even my brother’s never looked like that. I like that he already needs a shave again. I even like his bushy eyebrows.

But I have to go clean rats.

When I start rattling around the kitchen section of our main room, he gets up and staggers to the table. Stops at the hall mirror again on the way and studies himself for a long time. As if he forgot what he looked like under all that hair. He sits, then, and watches me make two-rat stew with wild onions and turnips. I thicken it with acorn flour I traded for with the Paiute.

It takes a while for the stew to finish up. I make squaw tea and sit across from him. Being so close and looking into his eyes upsets me. I have to get up and turn my back. I pretend the stew needs stirring. To hide my feelings I say, “Where’s your crossbow? And where’s my knife? I won’t let you have my stew until you tell me.” I sound more angry than I meant to. “Under the bed in the big room. Both of them.”

I go check and there they are, and several darts. I bring the bow back to the table. It’s a beautiful piece of work. Old scraps of metal and an old screw, salvaged from something, now shiny and oiled. The wood of the bow, carved as if a work of art. All kept up with care. I’ll bring it to the town meeting to show I’ve found the killer and dealt with him. But have I? And they may want a body.

“I’ll not shoot anybody. Not now.”

“Yeah. But you’re still sworn.”

“I can fight someplace else.”

“Oh yeah.”

After we eat I put what’s left over into an old bear-proof can, take it to the irrigation ditch, and sink it in wet mud to keep it cool.

I don’t know if I should go to bed without barricading my door some way. I wish I still had our dog but Mother and I ate him long ago. He’d be dead by now anyway. It would be nice to have him, though. I’d feel a lot safer. He was a good dog but getting old. We thought we’d better eat him ourselves before somebody else got to him. That was before we were eating rats.

Tired as I am, it takes a while for me to get to sleep. I keep telling myself, if he’s going to sneak into my room, I might as well find out about it. But I put the chair against the door in a way that it’ll fall. At least I’ll hear if he comes in.

Mainly I can’t sleep because, in spite of my better judgment, I’m thinking of keeping the man. Trying to. I like the idea of having him around even though it’s scary. I make plans.

It’s logical that somebody coming in to our new higher village would come to my house first. Perhaps an outsider with news from the North. And it’s logical that I’d take him to a town meeting to tell the news.

What news, though? In the morning (the chair hasn’t fallen), we make some up. Carson City is as empty and rat-infested as our town. (It’s a good bet it really is.) I remember an airplane (I think it was called the gossamer condor) that flew by the propeller being pumped by a bicycle and doesn’t need gas. It can’t go far or we’d have seen it down here. Joe can say he’s seen it.

He says, “How about an epidemic of a new disease passed on by fleas? It hasn’t reached here yet.” He says, “How about, way up in Reno, they found a cache of ammunition so they can clean up their old guns and use them again?”

I give him news about Clement to tell people. I’ll say that’s another reason Joe came to me first—to give me news of my brother. (I think I made up that news because I know my brother’s dead. Otherwise I’d not have mentioned anything about him. I’d keep on thinking he’s out in our mountains as one of the crazies, but I don’t think I ever really believed that. I just hoped.)

Once he takes my hand and squeezes it—says how grateful he is. I have to get up again, turn my back. I wash our few dishes, slowly. I’m so flustered I hardly know what his hand felt like. Strong and warm. I know that.

Lots of good things happen in those town meetings. We give each other our news. We have all kinds of helping committees. In some ways we take care of each other more than we did before the war. People used to bring in their deer and wild sheep and share the meat around, except there’s less and less wild game and more and more mountain lions. They’re eating all the game and we’re not good at killing lions. I’ll bet Joe would be, with his crossbow.

So I bring him to the meeting. Introduce him. They crowd around and ask questions about all their favourite spots, or places where they used to have relatives. He’s good at making stuff up. Makes me wonder, was he once an officer?

Or did he act?

I admire him more and more, and I can see all the women do, too. He could have any one of us. I’m worried he’ll get away from me and I’m the only one knows who he really is. Whoever gets him in the end will have to be careful.

He’s looking pretty good, too, horrible haircut and all. My brother’s blue farmer shirt sets off his brown skin. It’s too large for him, but that’s the usual.

The women have been out at the bird nets and had made a big batch of little-bird soup. I was glad they’d made that instead of the other.

There’s a Paiute woman who comes to our meetings and reports back to the reservation. She’s beautiful—more than beautiful, strange and striking. I should have known. At his first view of her you can see… both of them stare and then, quickly, stop looking at each other.

Later he sits drinking tea with several women including the Paiute. They all crowd around but I saw him push in so that he was next to her. The tables are small but now nine chairs are wedged in close around the one where he sits. I can’t see what’s going on, but I do see her shoulder is touching his. And their faces are so close I don’t see how they can see anything of each other.

I sneak away and run home. I wish I’d saved his smelly, falling-apart clothes. I wish I’d saved the dirty, tangled hair I cut off, but I burned that, too. I do find the old hat. That helps them to believe me. I bring the crossbow. It also helps that he tries to get away.

They hung Joe up in the depository. I told them not to tell me anything about it. I’d rather not know when we get around to using him.