Walking Dead

CHAPTER 18

The boy Rider lent me his mare again. I put my palm under her nose, an apology for not having apples or carrots. She huffed over it before dipping her head in agreement to let me ride her. I hadn’t asked the first two times, and didn’t know why it seemed important now. Maybe because three was a magic number. Once astride, I looked back to the graveyard and to Suzanne standing alone with the young Rider, and at Matilda staring them both down. “Are they going to be all right?”

I’d asked Cernunnos, but it was the boy who gave me another of his father’s feral smiles. “I invite it to test me.”

Maybe on a rational level, that wasn’t the answer I should’ve been looking for, but on a purely emotional one, it was perfect. I guessed that, like Cernunnos, he was coming in to the height of his power. If Matilda wanted to tangle with him, I was pretty sure she’d be digging her own grave. She might not stay in it, but I had very little doubt the green-eyed boy would put her there, and hard.

In fact, I kinda wanted to stay and watch. Cernunnos swung up on his silver stallion, though, and the Hunt fell into place, hounds slinking under horse bellies and gray-beaked rooks winging overhead. “Where are we going?”

He lifted his hands, reins held loose in them, and made fists that wove and touched together and bumped apart again. “Your world,” he said of one, and then of the other, “and mine.”

The Hunt leaped forward, and left my world behind.

There were ways upon ways to travel between the worlds, and I was beginning to think the differences in scenery were at least partly imposed by my subconscious. Starscapes littered my idea of the space between Tir na nOg and the Middle World, which normal people would call “the earth.” Those same diamond-cut lights had winked in the void between my world and Babylon, because if I was moving between worlds, there ought to by God be stars. I suspected, though, that I was traveling the Dead Zone when I crossed to different worlds, and that the differences I saw were merely cosmetic.

In either case, this place was as cold as the Dead Zone, too cold to feel heat from the infinite stars streaking by. I buried my fingers in the mare’s mane and hunched against her neck as much for warmth as to simply hang on. Time, space, speed, all apparently meant very little to the Hunt, and I wasn’t sure what would happen to me if I fell off out here in the far reaches of forever. I’d ridden this road before, but never in body.

My heart went into triple time when that thought came home. I’d actually physically gotten on an animal that could break through the barrier between one world and another, and had left my own world behind, all on the offer of a god who’d more than once tried to steal or seduce my soul.

I was a nice girl. Not too bright, but a nice girl.

Cernunnos, under the rush of hooves, murmured, “Home.”

A recognizable longing sprang up in me. It came through the mare, or through the Hunt; came, anyway, from somewhere that lay deeper across time than I did. It clawed at my belly, sinking hooks into me, and drew an image that became more and more real as we rode toward it. A misty world of silver-barked trees with deep green leaves came into focus, and then the scent of good rich earth and clean sea air. Crystalline laughter broke on whispering wind, then died in surprise as the Hunt broke through and trotted into a courtyard shaped from living oak.

So far as I could tell, it had been the trees themselves sharing laughter. Stillness rippled out around us, quiet and comforting until I realized how complete it was. There were no birds twittering, no hum of insects, no crack of sticks or hiss of grass as animals passed through. There was only the mist, peaceful and silent, barely disturbed by the Hunt dismounting. Even the rooks went quiet, settling in trees, some to tuck beak under wing and nap, others to stare with black-eyed interest at the gathered group of demi-humans, gods and mortals. The hounds lay down, stretched out long over dew-ridden grass, and one by one the Riders faded away until I was alone in the courtyard with Cernunnos. “What happened here?”

Tragedy marred the silver god’s face. “Mortals seek eternity. Immortals seek rest. It is the irony of our lives.” He dismounted, the last to do so, save myself, and the stallion melted into the forest as had everyone and everything else. I stayed where I was, swaying in my saddle as he walked to a bower where twined oak reshaped itself to make a leafy seat. He loosed his sword from his hip, then sprawled in the seat, all silver and inhuman, with the sheathed blade across his thighs. “Come, let her go. We cannot do this with her here.”

I put my hand on the mare’s shoulder and asked what seemed like both an obvious and an idiotic question: “Who is she?”

A hint of cruel amusement curved his mouth. “Don’t you know?”

All of a sudden, I did. I blanched and the mare danced, discomfited at my sudden tension. I slid off her back, trying to cobble calm back together, but she pranced away, then galloped into the forest while I stared after her. “Does he know?”

“The boy? He did once. Now?” Cernunnos shrugged, a ripple of quicksilver. “He may have bound me to time and taken my immortality for himself, but his mind is partly human. He forgets things, and in doing so saves his sanity.”

“But she doesn’t.” I swallowed against a tight throat, glancing after the mare again. “That’s why she lets me ride her. She remembers what it was to be human.”

“More,” Cernunnos said softly, “she remembers what it is to become entangled with one such as me. She might have taken your life that night we raced down your highway.”

I looked back at him, strength and low certainty coming into my voice. “Not if she wanted me to rescue her son.”

Cernunnos tilted his head in acknowledgment. I straightened my shoulders, trying to put the mare out of my thoughts. “Okay. So here we are. How do I take Matilda on?”

“Ah.” The god slipped his sword from its sheath, dropping the latter to the side and rebalancing the short blade across his thighs, fingertips light against its broad side. “Tir na nOg is a dying world, little shaman. A dead world, perhaps, but I am its king. What magic left here is mine to command.”

At least half of me listened, I swear it, but my mind hitched on the sword he’d laid across his lap. It had no crossguard worth mentioning, and the hilt was wrapped with silver wire that turned into a heavy pommel. Tir na nOg’s magic being his to command was obviously important. I could see how that might affect both Matilda and myself in a battle of wits, or what have you. Instead of following that opening, though, I said, “That’s a different sword.”

Cernunnos turned a dry green gaze on me. For a moment I forgot about the sword, too, and just had a dizzying moment of breathlessness. He was a god and a monster who had changed his son’s mother into a horse, trapping her as part of his Hunt for eternity, and yet my brain still short-circuited when he wanted it to. I needed therapy. In a voice as dry as his gaze, he said, “You stole mine, little shaman.”

“Stole? You stuck it in me, not—” That wasn’t actually true. I’d impaled myself, if you wanted to get technical about it. I bit my tongue to keep from getting technical, and tried another tack. “You had a broadsword at the Seattle Center in January. I thought you’d have that, or another rapier. That one’s…” I had no intention of using the word that came to mind, for fear the Horned God would disapprove.

“Primitive?” he asked flatly, and since that was the word I hadn’t been going to use, I gave a jerky nod. “I could not return to Tir na nOg to fetch this when you stole mine, and was obliged to use the broadsword as the only blade available to me in your world. As for this, Nuada of the Silver Hand is disinclined to present the careless with new gifts, and so this is the first sword he made for me, so long ago to name the number of years would be meaningless. The rapier was the second, fashioned at my plea for a weapon of more…”

“Elegance,” I whispered. The rapier was elegant, and suited Cernunnos’s clean, almost alien lines beautifully. So did the brutal short sword, but it made him a different manner of creature entirely. With the rapier and his silver horse, he was dangerous seduction; with the short sword, he was just dangerous, a wild god barely constrained by the shape of his calling.

I met his eyes again, found green fire burning there, and felt color suffuse my face. A smile curved his beautifully shaped mouth, and I knew all over again that it would be too easy to forget the world and join the Hunt forever. I could live in that fiery gaze, and never care that I’d have to die to do so. Seduction didn’t have to be elegant to be effective.

Cernunnos lifted his fingertips from the blade and turned them up in a smooth, inviting curl. Another of Suzanne’s futures flashed through my thoughts, a future where, reckless creature that I was, I stepped forward and put my hand in the god’s. My power in that future rivaled his, taking me beyond humanity and the constraints put on me by my Makers. I was bound to my world just as Cernunnos was bound to Tir na nOg. Partnered together, we rode from his world to mine at will, sowing dissent like the agents of chaos we were. The Hunt rode with us, collecting the souls of those who followed old faith and older magic, and in time the child we made together battered down the walls between all the worlds. Then we were free indeed, riding to the end of the universe, hounds and rooks crying at our sides. It was beautiful, that future: beautiful and free and cold.

“Familiar temptation, my lord master of the Hunt.” I took a step back, not without regret. “I’m sorry, but no.”

He kept his hand extended, green fire in his eyes ablaze with undeterred hope. “A shaman is a trickster, Siobhán Walkingstick. Tricksters are things of chaos, as am I. Your path lies close to mine. Walk it with me.”

“Order and learning and lessons come from trickster stories, Horned God.” I wished I knew his real name, less to pull rank as to even the playing field. Honorifics were fine and well meant, but he had no compunction against pulling out Siobhán when there were no ears to overhear us. It only seemed fair that I should be able to return the favor.

Life, as it turned out, wasn’t fair. “You ride and collect the souls of the dead. It’s my job to make sure there are a few every year you don’t get to take home just yet. It turned out differently in some other future, some other past. That’s going to have to be your consolation prize. Now.” I wet my lips. “I’m sure it’s arrogant to make demands of a god, but can we stop dancing around and get to the main event?”

“So far from home, and still so bold.” Cernunnos rose from his oaken throne and walked a lazy circle around me, taking in the necklace and bracelet and shield I wore. The latter had retreated to its natural form sometime during the wild ride to Tir na nOg, and was simply a purple heart medal pinned to my sweater. The rapier was on my hip, worn like it belonged there, and the god’s gaze lingered on it. “I’ll have that back from thee, shaman, should you lose this battle.”

“If I lose I’ll have bigger problems than you wanting your pointy stick back.”

He quirked an ashy eyebrow and shrugged agreement. “Put these things aside, Siobhán. Here, in my home, in my court, you’re far removed from the magic of your world, and the threads that bind you to your lifeless doll are thin. They must be severed, and that I cannot do when you carry tokens of battle.”

My hand fell to the rapier’s hilt and tightened there. “What exactly are you going to do?” That would’ve been a good question to ask before I joined the Hunt. Someday I’d learn to do these things in the right order. Today, however, was not that day.

Cernunnos made a broad circle with his sword, encompassing himself but clearly meaning me. “Cut a hole in this dying earth, and tear what little power it holds away. It will become a null place, a void, with you at its heart.”

“That sounds…” My skin turned to ice and the cold sank inward, strangling my words. It took a couple of tries to manage, “That sounds incredibly dangerous.”

Cernunnos smiled. His canines had been curved the first time I saw him, mark of the beast within. They weren’t now, no more than subtle bone horn marred his temples. I wondered if this flawless figure was how he always appeared in Tir na nOg, or if having torn him out of time and place left its mark on his form even at the seat of his power. He leaned in, a silver creature of promise and threat, and breathed, “Not for me,” by my ear. Then he straightened, more serious, and added, “It will be, but I know no other way to sever links between the undead and the living. Thou’rt a dead thing in thy world, gwyld, should you let these bonds remain.”

“Why do you do that? Use thee and thou, I mean.” I used the flippant question to hide my nerves as I palmed the bracelet, preparing to set it aside. Cernunnos opened his hand, and I fought the urge to refuse him and put my belongings in a tidy pile beside me. I was on his territory. It was a bad time to stop trusting him, if that’s what I was doing.

He turned the bracelet in his hand, examining the ring of stylized animals that chased each other around it. “A gift from a man, but not a lover. Your father? Mortals.” The last word turned sibilant, breathed out over a long while. “You put such stock and such strength into your blood ties, and are still so easily wounded by them.”

“You should talk.” I unclipped my necklace and handed it over with less reluctance. “Any esoteric commentary about this one?”

I wasn’t even Looking at him, so to speak. The Sight had lain quiet since we’d left my world, and yet when he took the necklace, power and astonishment flared through him brightly enough to leave afterimages dancing through my vision. I rubbed one eye and blinked the other as Cernunnos gaped at the silver choker dangling from his fingers.

To the best of my ability to tell, it hadn’t changed any. Tubes of silver slid over a short chain, held apart from one another by delicate triskelions. The pendant, a simple circle quartered by a cross, rocked between his fingers, like he’d let go for fear it would burn him. “It’s just silver,” I said in bewilderment. “It shouldn’t hurt you.”

“Just silver.” Cernunnos lifted vivid green eyes to me, and that time I thought I saw a hint of curving canine in his smile. “It is ‘just silver’ no more than that rapier you carry is, no more than my own blade might be.”

“Cernunnos, my mother gave it to m-m-muh. Me. Uh. Rapier?” My fingers drifted to the sword again. “You mean my mother gave me a necklace made by an elf king? How the hell did she get—”

“A question I, too, would like to learn the answer to.” Cernunnos curved his fingers around the necklace like he’d been given something precious. I had an unholy urge to snatch it back, and, trying to quell the urge, handed over the rapier with a bit more ferocity than necessary.

“And the shield.” Cernunnos extended his hand a last time, and I unpinned Gary’s medal reluctantly. Of everything in my arsenal, it was the closest to my heart, both physically and emotionally. Cernunnos’s fingers danced above it, then closed without touching it. “Iron. Thou has brought iron here, into my realm. Iron given to thee by one who should have died under my sword, almost a year since. Dost thou seek to outrage me, little shaman, or—”

“Oh, for pity’s sake. Yes, that’s exactly it, Cernunnos. Ooh, I thought, I know! I’ll ride across a void between worlds, put myself entirely into the power of a god whose edges are made up of the beginnings of the universe, and then I’ll piss him off. That was exactly my plan. I’m amazed it took you this long to figure it out.” Somewhere in there I’d begun waving my arms with exasperation, and now I shook the medal under his nose. “Where the hell do you need me to put this thing? Is it going to burn the earth where it lies? Because if it is I’ll, I’ll” Struck by inspiration, I pulled my sweater off, planted the medal on top of nice soft wool, and dropped the whole bundle at Cernunnos’s feet. “Here, already. For crying out loud.”

Tir na nOg, it turned out, was kind of chilly. I was wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt under the sweater, but without the thick warm wool, I might as well have stripped to the skin. Cold and grumpy, I folded my arms under my breasts and glared at the god.

Who said, mildly, “I use thee and thou, little shaman, because thy scattered human mind thinks it intimate, and there is a certain delicious delight in conveying intimacies to thee.”

Then he drew his sword and cut a swath of darkness around me.

Alone in the dark wasn’t an entirely unfamiliar feeling. It was the stuff of nightmares, for one, and the stuff of too many clumsy spirit journeys and esoteric battles for two. That said, none of those encounters had been quite like this. Cernunnos’s teasing still rang in my mind, but when it faded, not even my breath disturbed the black.

I had an uncontrollable urge to fire a magic missile at the dark, which only went to prove I spent way, way too many hours on the Internet. Lucky for me, or maybe not so lucky, magic missile wasn’t in my repertoire, and besides, when I reached for my magic, it was gone.

Panic isn’t pretty, not even when you can’t actually see it taking place. I’d whined, bitched and complained about the gifts I’d been saddled with, but I was also kind of accustomed to them now, and finding a void inside me as black as the one surrounding me did nothing at all for my peace of mind. I bit back a scream, not wanting to feel it in my throat but be unable to hear it, and spun around in the darkness, trying to find any source of light or life.

And from a very far distance, something came. It was weak: fragile, even, crawling inch by inch toward me. I knew what it was long before it reached me, but misery and guilt and the human ability to look away kept me from going to it. I didn’t look away; that much I could give myself credit for, but I didn’t move, and wasn’t sure if it was weakness or strength that kept me from doing so.

Matilda Whitehead’s scrawny thought-form clawed its way through the dark, finally resting at my feet and twisting its neck to look up at me. It said, I’m dying, in words that only echoed in my ears, and I said, “I know,” out loud, not knowing if either of us would hear it.

Help me.

“I can’t.” Can’t, won’t, what’s the difference? The words tasted like ash in my mouth either way. “You’re feeding off my energy. We can’t both do that, and you’re already dead. How did you get here? I thought Cernunnos cut me off from everything.”

I’m part of you.

Presumably that was supposed to make sense. I looked down at the ghost-given-body, seeing her—its—scalp through too-thin hair. I was as exhausted standing over her as I’d been fighting her, but it was she who seemed to become smaller and more miserable as the minutes went on. After a while, that made sense. I closed my hands in loose fists, wishing I could undo all the things in the past few days that’d brought me to where I was right now. “So I’m basically burning up all my energy trying to stay alive in a place that doesn’t allow life. And you’re the most external part of my energy, so you’re burning first. I’m sorry. All I’m trying to do is survive.”

As am I!

God. I crouched, hands knotted more tightly. “You died a hundred years ago. I’m sorry, but you lost your chance. It’s way past time to stop fighting.” I didn’t even know how the thing could be fighting. It was worse than cadaverous now. It was shrunken, all eyes and knobby joints and ill-fitting skin. “Even if you could come back, everything you know is long gone. You gave us everything you could to help solve your murder. It’s time to let go, Matilda. It’s time to rest.”

No! The silent word bordered on a sob. I could be a hard case, but I wasn’t anything like that hard. Consequences be damned, I reached for the pathetic little thing and pulled it into my arms. “Yes. Time to rest, sweetheart. Time to let go.”

It—she—kicked and flailed and screamed, a thin sound with almost no strength to it. I felt every punch and twist in my gut, part of me sharing her fight more literally than I liked. She got smaller, energy fading, and I curled her against my chest, mouth lowered against her head while I murmured apologies for refusing to save a life that wasn’t meant to be. I wasn’t even sure the magic would let me if I could reach it; it hadn’t let me heal Colin Johannsen, or even fix the thin cut on my cheek. Some things weren’t meant to be made better. Weary tears slid down my cheeks as Matilda shrank away. She hadn’t deserved to die a hundred years ago, and now she didn’t deserve to live. Somebody was going to pay, even if I had to walk into that damn cauldron myself, and smash it from within.

I whispered, “I’m sorry,” again at the last. Matilda winked out, and I was once more alone in the dark.

Only then did I wonder how Cernunnos would know it was time to free me.