Viator

Three

Wilander’s days lapsed into a pleasant routine. In the mornings he would sit on deck beneath the linden tree, encaged by boughs that overhung the rail, leaves trailing across his neck and shoulders, bathed in greeny light, hidden from all but the most penetrating eyes, and he would write in his journal and doze and dream, often of Arlene, with whom he spent his nights, walking into Kaliaska in late afternoon, and helping out with the stock until closing and then retiring to her upstairs apartment, which proved to be a place of rustic and eclectic disorder such as he had imagined the trading post might be, the rooms carpeted with Turkish kilims and throw rugs from Samarkand and prayer rugs from Isfahan, one overlying the other, and the furniture—secondhand sofas and chairs—draped with silk prints and faded tapestries, and on the walls were oil paintings in antique gilt or brass frames, the images gone so dark with age, they seemed paintings of chaos, of imperiled golden-white glows, gods reduced to formlessness, foundering in black fires deep beneath the foundations of the world, and only by peering at them from inches away could one determine that they were stormy seascapes and pastoral landscapes and portraits of aristocratic men and women in comic opera uniforms and gowns, all wearing the constipated expression that during the nineteenth century served as standard dress for the ruling class, and upon the end tables and dressers and nightstands were innumerable lamps, lamps of every description, bases of cut glass, ceramic, brass, malacca, polished teak, and onyx matched to shades of parchment, eggshell-thin jade, carved ivory, lace-edged silk, blown glass, and tin, yet no more than a few were ever lit at one time, and thus the apartment was usually engulfed in a mysterious gloom from which glints and colors and lusters of these objects (all gotten at barter from sailors, travelers, adventurers) would emerge, creating a perfect setting for Arlene, the rich clutter of a pirate’s trove wherein she looked to be the most significant prize. These dreams were sometimes prurient, sometimes funny, sometimes sweet, and this heartened Wilander—the fact that his subconscious displayed a range of feeling toward her nourished his hope that the relationship would grow and become more than two lonely people having sex.

Shortly after he began spending his nights with Arlene, one morning as he lay on the deck of Viator, Wilander was visited by a dream that was to return to him again and again in variant forms. He had no presence in the dream, no sense of intimate involvement, being merely an observer without attitude or disposition, bodiless in a black place. Superimposed on the blackness was a tan circle, like the view through a telescope of a pale brown sky and what appeared to be five dark birds (always five) flying at so great a distance, they manifested as simple shapes, shapes such as a child might render when asked to draw a bird, two identical curved lines set side by side and meeting at the point between them. Something about the dream, which lasted only for a few seconds prior to waking and seemed less a dream than an optical incident that may have been provoked by the sun penetrating his lids, unsettled Wilander, yet he failed to identify the unsettling element until the third recurrence of the dream, when he recognized that the winglike lines comprising the individual birds were not beating, but rippling, causing them to resemble flagella wriggling in a drop of water under the lens of a microscope. The bird things flew ever closer to the viewing plane and he came to suspect that their bodies might not conform to avian anatomy at all, but they were still so far away, they remained rudimentary figures without the slightest visible detail.

None of these dreams were of considerable duration, and though they disturbed Wilander, the disturbance was not so onerous as to distract him overmuch—far more disturbing was the demeanor of the men aboard Viator now that he had hooked up with (this being Halmus’ appreciation of the relationship) the Queen of Kaliaska. Had it been asserted that he could be more isolated than he already was, that his shipmates might treat him with greater indifference, he would have pronounced the statement laughable and replied that the increment of indifference involved would be infinitesimal; yet he discovered that the atmosphere aboard ship underwent a marked chill, that Nygaard averted his eyes whenever Wilander came near, and Halmus no longer extended even a cursory greeting, and Mortensen ignored him completely, and Arnsparger’s smiles were reduced to formalities, his chatter to ten-second assessments of the weather. Wilander classified their shunning of him as adolescent, the kind of wounded reaction that eventuates when a woman begins to dominate a young man’s time and thus earns the resentment of his friends, of a group whose center he has been; but since the men of Viator were not young, not friends, acquaintances only in the strictest sense of the word, Wilander could not fathom the reason for their hostile reaction, nor could he understand the depth of his reaction to their coolness.

—To hell with them, he told Arlene. They act like I’ve betrayed them. Like we’re fraternity brothers and I’ve broken the sacred bond. It’s ridiculous.

Yet once back onboard the ship, he felt injured by their treatment and, while he had no intention of apologizing or placating them in any way, he sought them out, hoping that a meeting in a passageway or the hold or the galley would provide an opportunity for them to vent their displeasure and permit them to work past this problem and reinstitute the old, slightly less indifferent order. He made no discernible progress toward a rapprochement, but he came to anticipate the time he spent searching through the ship, because on each and every occasion he would stumble upon some fascinating object—for instance, a pale green section of the passageway wall outside the officer’s mess where the paint had flaked away in hundreds of spots, small and large, creating of the surface a mineral abstract like those found on picture stone, from which (if one studied the wall, letting one’s eyes build an image from the paintless spots, from scratches, dents and scuffs) there emerged an intricate landscape, an aerial view of forested hills—firs for the most part—declining toward water, and a large modern city beneath the hills that encircled a lagoon and spread along the coast, with iron-colored islands in the offing; or he might achieve a fresh perspective on some portion of the ship, much as happened when, standing in the engine room one night, he glanced at the relics of the engine and the many-leveled stairway ascending through the tiers and realized that this towering space and its contents had the appearance of a mechanistic church that had been violated and abandoned, its altar wrecked, its symbol of spiritual ascendancy rusted, littered with twenty-year-old trash: oil-stained cloths, bolts, shattered bottle glass, some of the railings loose, some fallen—and as a result of these dalliances, he found himself growing more intrigued by the ship, not curious as to its history, but fixated upon the beauty of its decay, the monument to dissolution it was in process of becoming.

Three weeks after he and Arlene had initiated their affair, while sleeping on Viator s deck beneath the low-hanging linden boughs, Wilander experienced a recurrence of the dream that was unlike any of its previous visitations. At the outset, all was as usual. He lay disembodied, in blackness, staring at the pale brown circle wherein the four birdlike creatures flew, still mysterious with distance, when one separated from the rest and approached with apparent purposefulness, as if it had noticed something of interest and were coming for a better look. It must have begun its approach from a good ways off—for what seemed two or three minutes, he could detect no change in its aspect, except that it proved to be a dark earthy brown in color, not black as it had appeared at a greater remove, and then suddenly it rushed upon him, or upon whatever dream-object it had noticed, and that simple shape of two identical curved lines resolved into two glistening, ropy segments of flesh, united by a ridged structure…and yet it swooped past so swiftly, he could not be certain he had seen anything of the sort, he might have supplied the details from his imagination to give form to what had been, essentially, a blur. Nor was he certain of its size, though he had an apprehension of enormity and tremendous power. Viewed at a distance, the bird things posed a far more unnerving image than had this fleeting close-up—their rippling stasis conveyed an air of horrid patience, the patience of carrion birds waiting for something to finish with death—but when he woke with his heart racing, he knew with a paranoid certainty that their waiting was done and that the creature had flown out of the dream and into the sky overhead and was wheeling about, preparing to make a second pass.

He heaved to his feet and stood with his head and torso pushing up among the boughs of the linden tree, feeling more secure surrounded by greenery; but as he steadied his breath and tried to put the dream and his relation to it into a reasonable frame, through an aperture in the leaves, roughly oval, a lovely Edenesque frame itself, he saw a gaunt, bearded face like those portrayed by the ikons in his late Aunt Rigmor’s collection, enshrined in a china closet at her home in Portland, a stately old house that he had hated as a child for its apparent fragility (he had been forbidden to touch anything), yet now recalled with inexplicable nostalgia—inexplicable, unless it were the ikons themselves that inspired nostalgia, for he had been quite taken with them and, curious as to their worth, their meaning, he had often stood on tiptoes and peered at them, as now he peered at the elongated, hollow-cheeked face of a suffering Swedish saint shrouded by matted shoulder-length gray hair, the waxy skin webbed with broken capillaries, and having a bladed nose and brown eyes as beautiful and profoundly sad as the eyes of a young woman disappointed in love, eyes that had registered everything essential about the world of men and had forgiven them their lustful natures, and a mouth all but obscured by a ragged beard that still showed here and there a few blond hairs: Mortensen. The shock of seeing him close at hand was nearly as disabling as the shock Wilander had absorbed from the dream, and he could think of nothing to say.

—Good morning, Mortensen said. Or is it afternoon? I often lose track. His voice was unexpectedly high-pitched and adenoidal, ill-matched to his appearance; its resonance made him sound a little like a boy trying to force his pitch lower in imitation of a man.

—Morning, I think. Wilander glanced up into the crown of the tree, trying to find the sun. Yes, it’s getting near noon.

—Ah! I should have thought to look at the sky. I’ve been inside so long, my instincts have eroded.

Wilander became aware that Mortensen must be seeing him the same way he saw Mortensen, in a leafy frame, and the image this conjured, two men communicating by means of a weird organic technology, magical forest mirrors, made him chuckle.

—I’m not a social man, Mortensen said sternly. We won’t have very many opportunities to talk. Perhaps we should make the most of this one and try to be serious.

—You have something to say to me? Say it.

—Only that we need you to be responsible.

—And what would you have me be responsible for?

—You spend most of the afternoons and all of your evenings with that woman. You sleep the mornings away and then you’re gone again. How is that responsible?

—What should I be doing? Collecting scrap metal like Nygaard and Arnsparger? Pondering over broken mirrors like Halmus? Or would you have me haunt the ship like you?

—You’re quartered in the captain’s cabin. Surely that’s an indicator of what you should be doing?

—So I’m the captain? Captain of a ship that will never travel another inch? I suppose I should be studying charts, plotting a course.

Mortensen made a diffident gesture. You’re the one in charge, aren’t you? You can hardly do other than determine our course. And then you have your reports to make. How can you make them when you know nothing of what’s going on?

—I make the reports in a timely fashion.

—But what do you say?

—I tell Lunde the work goes well. Occasionally I throw a few numbers at him.

—In other words, you lie to him.

—It’s what Arnsparger told me to do.

—Arnsparger! When Arnsparger made the reports, there was nothing to report. It’s your job now and you need to redefine it. It’s you who were meant to have the job when things reached this stage. To do the job correctly, you must observe what’s going on.

—You’re suggesting that I tell Lunde what we’re doing? He’ll fire us. If I tell him Halmus stands around examining bits of glass like a jeweler inspecting diamonds, or that Arnsparger and Nygaard cut little holes in the hull, in pots, in bulkhead doors…he’ll have them committed.

—Those are the very things he wants to hear.

—How the hell would you know?

Mortensen’s eyelids drooped and he seemed to be gathering strength through prayer. I was the first to come, he said. Therefore I’m the first to know things.

An image from Wilander’s dream, the pale brown circle and the birdlike creatures rippling in the distance, floated up before his mind’s eye. Unnerved by this, he was impatient to have done with Mortensen. It was early to be thinking of heading for Kaliaska, but he intended to do exactly that.

—If you know things before I do, Wilander said, why don’t you tell me some of these things only you know?

Once again Mortensen paused before responding. You’ll learn them soon enough.

—But I’m not ready for such knowledge now? It’s too volatile, too alarming. I wouldn’t be able to understand?

—Ridiculing me will benefit no one.

Wilander might have argued the point. Should I report that to Lunde? he asked. That you have secret knowledge of the future?

—I see no reason why you should not.

—I’ve got a better idea. Since you’ve been here longest and know more than any of us, why don’t you make the reports?

—I have my own responsibilities, Mortensen said. They require all my energy.

—Yes, I can imagine.

—Your duties are not so challenging as mine, but nonetheless they’re crucial and you can’t perform them in Kaliaska.

Angry now, Wilander said, These responsibilities that require all your energy, that are so challenging—perhaps you could explain them to me.

—There’s a passage in the Bible that states one must be born again…

—I’ve had to pay for my dinner far too often by listening to that religious crap. I don’t have to listen to it here.

—It states that one must be born again to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, Mortensen said patiently. I believe that’s true of every significant passage.

—What are you talking about?

Mortensen shook his head ruefully. Perhaps we’ll speak later. I have things to do.

—What things? That’s all I’m asking you! What could be so pressing you can’t take a few seconds to tell me about it?

—It would take much longer than a few seconds, Mortensen said. And it would serve no purpose…not so long as you maintain your current attitude.

—Then convince me to change my attitude, Wilander said, but without another word, Mortensen stepped from view and did not answer when Wilander called to him.

A bird chittered somewhere above, a patterned call that had the sound of a warning. Wilander glanced up through the leaves, trying to locate it, and was captivated first by the architecture of the tree, the axle of the trunk and the irregular spokes of the limbs, making it seem as if the linden were a spindle designed to interact in some fashion with the ship, and then by the uppermost leaves, almost invisible against the glare of the sun, and those just below showing as half-sketched outlines and a hint of green, giving the impression that the tree had not sprouted from the soil but was materializing from the top down, spun into being from a formless golden-white dimension whose borders interpenetrated with the world of men.

Walking toward Kaliaska, Wilander’s frustration with Mortensen abated and he chided himself for having confronted the old fool. With every step, his mood was buoyed further by the prospect that in less than an hour he would be with Arlene, and by the beauty of the luxuriant growth, the sunlight filtering through the canopy to gild trembling leaves and nodding ferns, a feeling that peaked when, looking back, he saw Viator’s prow, black and made mysterious by ground fog, thrusting between two hills; but once he passed beyond sight of the ship, he was possessed by the feeling that the dream place into which he had gazed earlier that morning had a physical presence, a geography, and the ground whereon he walked was part of it, the firs, the mossy logs, and the carpeting of salvia and ferns, all of them were elements of an illusion that had taken root in the pale brown medium that enclosed the ship, growing there like fungus on a stump. The notion was, of course, irrational. He rejected it, he went at a measured pace, he fixed his thoughts on Arlene. But each step now seemed attached to mortal risk—at any second his foot might breach the apparent solidity of the trail and he would plunge into the pale brown void beneath and fall prey to the menacing undulant shapes that inhabited it. The certainty grew in him that a fatal step was imminent, that some dread trap he could neither anticipate nor characterize was about to be sprung. Before long, his uneasiness matured into panic, and, unable to restrain the impulse, he fled through the forest, soon forgetting what had so frightened him, afraid of everything now, of shadows and glints of light, of stillness and a surreptitious rustling among the bushes, stumbling, tripping over roots, scraping his hand on a stone, thorns pricking his arms, falling, scrambling up again, until he reached the rise overlooking Kaliaska and collapsed atop it.

He had intended to catch his breath, then proceed to the trading post, but the town looked vulgar and forbidding in its plainness, the color of the dirt on which it stood virtually the same as that of the sky in his dream, the movement of dogs and people and vehicles conveying an aimless, annoying rhythm. Under the strong sun, Inupiat men and women trudged along the streets, some stopping to exchange a few words; a red pickup pulled up next to the trading post; three children played clumsily on the shingle, while their fathers patched a net. Wilander felt defeated by circumstance, stranded between two inimical poles, and wished he were back in the comfort of his cabin. He sat on a flat rock, flanked on one side by a bush with dry yellow-green leaves and on the other by the remnants of a fire and some charred fish heads upon which flies were crawling, and watched the sluggish creep of commerce with an utter lack of interest. Something was wrong with him, he decided. The past few years must have cracked him in some central place. His behavior was becoming as eccentric as that of the men aboard Viator. Not as eccentric as Mortensen’s, but given what had just transpired, he doubted it would be long before he began collecting paint flakes or pressing linden leaves between the pages of his books. It seemed he had posed this—to his mind—overly dramatic self-diagnosis in order to provoke a denial, to energize himself, but it had entirely the opposite effect, weighing on him as would a criminal judgment; and, oppressed by the idea that he might be slipping, he sank into a fugue, staring at the town, seeing in its plodding regulation and drabness an articulation of his decline.

In the mid-afternoon, Arlene, wearing baggy chinos and a green T-shirt, stepped from the door of the trading post, shielded her eyes against the lowering sun, and peered at the rise. She spoke to someone inside and then walked toward Wilander at an unhurried pace, hands in her pockets. She stopped on the incline a few feet below his rock and said, Terry says you’ve been sitting here a couple hours. You okay? It was in Wilander’s mind to assure her of his well-being, because she was intolerant of weak men, a by-product, he assumed, of a previous relationship; and yet she was also, if her depictions of former lovers were accurate, attracted to weak men—he did not want to think of himself as weak, nor did he want to play on her weakness for the weak or engage her intolerance by planting the idea that he might be on the verge of another collapse; but the way she looked, sensual and motherly at once, her breasts enticingly defined by the green cotton, a hint of sternness in her face, roused in him a childlike need for consolation. He caught her hand and pulled her down beside him.

—What is it? she asked, slipping an arm about his waist.

—I’ve just had a hell of a day.

She leaned into him, her breast flattening against his arm, and that yielding pressure was enough to break the last of his resolve, turning him toward confession.

—I’ve been having this dream, he said. It’s an awful dream, terrible, not like a dream at all, really. It’s more like a place I’ve been given to see. Hardly anything happens. But it keeps coming back and…I’m not sure what to make of it.

He described the dreams, focusing on the one he had dreamt that morning, and when he had done, she said, You need to get off that ship.

—I don’t think it’s the ship, he said, feeling an odd flutter of alarm.

—I wasn’t talking about the ship itself. I’m talking about the isolation, and those crazy bastards you’re isolated with.

—I suppose you’re right. But, uh…that’s where I’m stuck.

—You could move in with me. On a temporary basis. Until we can find you your own place. That is, if you’re planning to stay in Kaliaska.

Surprised, he said, That’s very generous…and flattering. But Lunde wouldn’t approve.

—Lunde! The way you talk about him, it’s like he’s your lord and master. Your Moses.

—He’s been generous to me, but he’s not my master. Just an old man who runs a temp agency.

—But what do you know about him? This is such a weird thing, this job! He may be using you for something illegal. A swindle, maybe. Maybe he’s using your residency to establish a claim or…I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right.

—Whatever his motives, I need the job. And he specified that we had to live on the ship.

Arlene roughed up the ground with the toe of one sneaker and stared down at the furrow she had dug. What I’m saying, why don’t you tell Lunde you quit? I can use you fulltime at the store.

—I can’t do that! He said this more vehemently than intended and tried to compensate for his bluntness by saying, I’d feel I was shirking my responsibilities.

—You’re starting to sound like the people you’re complaining about.

—I don’t mean my responsibilities to the job. If that were all it was, I’d move in tonight. You know that, don’t you?

She sat with her folded arms resting on her drawn-up knees; a breeze moved some strands of hair that had been tucked behind her ear down to feather her cheek, and he gently brushed them back. She gave no sign that she noticed his show of affection, her eyes pinned to the trading post, where a group of teenagers on their way home from school, identifiable by their energy and the pink and red and turquoise packs on their backs, were jostling one another.

—The other men seem to be deteriorating, Wilander said. I’m worried what might happen if I leave.

—Are they having bad dreams as well? Arlene asked coolly. Is that a symptom of their deterioration?

—I haven’t asked…but I get your point.

—Do you?

He slipped his left arm about her waist, the knuckle of his thumb grazing the underside of her breast. We’re still trying to see whether we fit together, he said. You agree?

A pause, and then she nodded.

—I’ve wanted to say certain things, he said, but it was too early to say them. I’m not sure I have grounds to say them, given where I’ve been the past few years.

—You know that doesn’t matter!

—But now, I think we’ve reached a point where somebody has to say something. You know, make a declaration. Would you agree with that?

—Yes…maybe.

—Well, I’m going to take a stab at it, okay?

As he talked, Wilander believed he was speaking from the heart, but at the same time he had the suspicion that everything he might say would become true and by giving voice to only a handful of potential truths, he was being effectively dishonest and thus, perhaps, obscuring the thing he wanted to express—this supposition was informed by the last occasion upon which he had spoken at length, when, coerced by the dictatorial priest who managed the North Star Men’s Christian Refuge into offering public testimony regarding his devotion (completely specious) to Jesus Christ, he had experienced a similarly confusing interrelation between intent and performance, having brought a number of lost souls forward into the Lord’s embrace, despite entertaining substantial misgivings about the benefits of Christianity to the disenfranchised. Yet as he talked that afternoon, telling Arlene that he wasn’t arrogant enough to predict where the relationship would lead, though he hoped it would lead to deeper intimacy, to an unfailing union, his emotions fell in line with his words, or at least he no longer perceived so wide a distinction between them as he had during his impromptu sermon at the mission, and his tone grew impassioned, and he accompanied his message with caresses that, while intended to comfort and persuade, served also to inflame him. It was as if by admitting to love—to the desire for love, at any rate, since he did not mention the emotion directly—he surrendered to a thirst that had been half-wakened in him and now, thanks to his admission, was fully alive, fervently demanding. He wanted to be inside her, not later, but at that precise moment; he wanted to shuck off her chinos and sit her down on his lap and bury himself in the heat and juice of her, to touch her between the legs as they made love in view of the teenagers crowding together in front of the trading post, and was almost at the point of exploring her opinion on the subject—no one, he thought, would be able to see what they were doing at the distance—when Arlene lifted her hand, hesitantly, and touched his cheek. He kissed her fingertips, her wrist. It’s not you making me reticent, he said. It’s me, my lack of confidence.

—I know. It’s just…I know.

—There’s another thing I’d better tell you. It’s really the most important thing.

She waited.

—I think you’re hot.

She made a sputtering noise, an unsuccessfully stifled laugh, and shook her head vigorously, saying, I must be crazy! God!

—No, I’m serious. He grinned. You’re very hot.

—Thank you. She composed herself and said, I haven’t heard you talk that way before.

—Which way is that?

—Saying I was hot.

—It’s Terry’s influence. He’s mentioned a couple of times he thinks you’re pretty hot for an old babe.

—He said that? I’ll have to give him a raise. She toed the trench she had dug in the earth. I guess you want to take things more slowly.

—I worry I’m going to have problems if I go too fast. I don’t feel solid yet.

—Problems? Like…?

—The kind of problems that started me drinking. I don’t want to fail with you. You don’t deserve to have another wreck on your hands.

—Aren’t you’re running a bigger risk of becoming a wreck by staying where you are? Arlene rested her chin on her knees. Living on a wreck. Among wrecks. It’s clearly affecting you.

—It’s a challenge. But that may be what I need. And I don’t have to worry about ruining things with you.

She was a quiet for a while and the shouts of the teenagers, as rancorous as the cries of gulls, filled in the gap. I have a challenge for you, she said.

—Oh, yeah?

—It’s an urgent challenge. One that requires your immediate attention.

Puzzled, he said, Okay? What is it?

She gave him a soft rap on the forehead. You’re a little thick today, aren’t you? I was attempting courtly speech.

—I’m not familiar with it.

—I thought you were such a big reader! It’s how knights and ladies flirted back in the Middle Ages. You know, the lady would say something like, Careful, sir, or you will prick me with your sword, and the knight would go, Could I but find the proper sheath, milady, it would do you no injury. And then she’d go, As it happens, sir, I have in my possession the finest and softest of sheaths, one that will never dull your blade. And then if he was having a bad brain day, like you, he’d say, You talking about sex?

—See, I heard no mention of swords and sheaths. That’s what perplexed me.

—You’re not perplexed anymore?

—Try me. Engage me in courtly speech.

—All right. Arlene appeared to deliberate. Why don’t we go up to the apartment?

—Sounds good, Wilander said. I could stand a little sheath.