Vampires Need Not...Apply

Chapter Quince

He called you a demon from hell! From hell! “And nice job, Ixtab,” she scolded herself. “You lost him! Dr. Van Brainy Vampire is somewhere on the loose in the world. Gone.” Yes, she’d managed to “misplace” the only being on earth who could help unlock the portal.

Reason number eight—or is that number seven? Dammit. I’m losing count. Reason number whatever: they are so damned fast! It’s completely annoying.

After he’d gone running off into the night, she’d circled every back alley and every park she could think of, sniffing for death. Aside from the usual—a few poor lost souls whose time had come naturally—there were no signs of rampant death or a wild, hungry vampire on the loose.

Almost dawn now, Ixtab returned to the penthouse to face the ridicule of Viktor. At least her sister Fate wasn’t there to rub her nose in this fiasco.

She pushed open the front door. Kinich and Penelope sat in a love seat near the window making out like two horny teenagers, and Viktor and Julie stood next to the bar sipping red wine, laughing.

Ixtab sighed. Here goes. “I lost the physicist.”

Viktor smiled. “You lost who?”

Ixtab set down her enormous handbag on the floor and sank on the couch. “I know. I’m a complete loser. I can’t do anything right.”

“Honey,” Julie said. “What are you talking about?”

“Antonio. He got away. I looked everywhere for him, but—”

“Ixtab, he’s out on the balcony with Fate,” said Julie.

“He’s here?”

Viktor smiled, then nodded. “Yes. And aside from not being hungry—pretty damned strange for a new vampire—he’s fine. We’ve spent the night getting him up to speed on our world.”

Ixtab pointed toward the open French double doors that led outside. “You mean—he’s there? Now? With my sister Fate?”

Again they nodded and exchanged glances. “She came to check up on you and the tablet.”

“Oh.” Well, that was just peachy. Yeaaah. Fate was probably digging her perfect paws into Antonio, no doubt wiggling her sweet, little tanned behind at him and showing him her bows and arrows, too.

Not that I care.

Right on cue, one of Fate’s infamous giggles seeped into the room from the outside terrace.

Ixtab dug her pink nails into her palms. That was Fate’s seduction giggle. No, she’d never taken a lover, but she collected admirers like insomniacs collected tchotchkes from the Home Shopping Network. She had over a million likes on Facebook and double that amount of followers on Twitter.

Bitch.

Julie stepped toward Ixtab only to be jerked back by Viktor.

Julie sighed impatiently. “Honey, she’s not a rabid dog. She’s one of His divine creations.” Julie looked at Ixtab. “One of His beautiful creations.”

Ixtab shrugged. “Only on the outside.”

“Someone’s got the pouties today, huh?” Julie said.

“Maybe.”

“Oh, honey, I’ve seen your face and looked into your eyes. You’re about as beautiful as they come. Don’t ever doubt that.”

Darn angels. Always so nice and uplifting. Phooey. “I’m going to get some rest.”

“Antonio says you are to meet him at eight a.m. sharp in his lab,” added Julie. “He needs an assistant that can work around the clock and won’t die if he makes a mistake.”

“I’m sure Fate will happily volunteer for the job.”

Julie made a little wiggle with her brows. “No. His explicit instructions were to have you help him.”

He wanted her help? Why? He’d called her a demon. He’d blamed her for turning him into a vampire, and then ran away, all of which left her feeling absurdly wounded.

“Should I tell him you’ll be there?” Julie asked.

“Yes. I’ll be there.” Because the truth was, she wouldn’t be able to stay away even if she wanted to.

January 17. Time: 8:00 a.m.

After a very long, hot shower and three failed meditation attempts, Ixtab had finally given up any notions of this meeting with Antonio going smoothly. Simply thinking of being in the same room turned her into a nervous Nellie. Or was that giddy goddess?

Sigh. Why would a vampire have such an impact on her? She had no clue, but one thing she knew for certain was that she couldn’t wait to see him again.

Ixtab raised her hand and knocked lightly.

“Come in.” Antonio’s voice filtered through the thick wooden door.

Ixtab peered inside his small but bright and clean lab with two small mad-scientist workstations—beakers, rats, terrarium, some computer equipment—in each corner, and a large stainless steel table in the center of the room.

“The front door was open,” she said.

She spotted Antonio sitting on a stool at the corner of the table wearing only a plain white tee and faded jeans. With his short, dark, skillfully mussed hair and five o’clock shadow, he was, he was… Sigh.

When human, he looked like perfection, but now he looked like a refined, heavenly treat, like he’d been worked over with supernatural man enhancers that took his already too perfect body—broad chest and strong, lean everything—and filled him out in all the right places. His spine now held a perfect posture that would never, ever, ever deteriorate with time and made him appear taller, more imposing. Yes, before he’d been the most exquisite mortal she had ever laid eyes on. But now? Now he was the most exquisite male—mortal or otherwise—to exist.

Reason number whatever… Ugh! Not fair. Stupid, gorgeous, icky vampire!

“Come in and close the door.” His angry eyes flashed her way, then back to his notebook, and for that instant, Ixtab felt like a pathetic, needy creature craving his attention.

She carefully shut the door.

“First,” he said, looking at the scribbles on his pages, “what the diablo is the story with the Morticia getup? Get rid of it—it’s a distraction. Second, no more secrets and lies. I know what and who you are; your sister told me everything.”

If he knew who she was, then why did he speak to her like that? Perhaps ass kickings were his thing. And how had he adjusted so quickly to his new state? Most mortals took years to accept what they’d become and to reach their full a-hole vampire potential. Not this guy. He looked like he’d settled right the hell in.

“Anything else?” She parked her fist on her hip.

He looked up from the notebook, and though he could not see her eyes, she felt as if he were looking right through her.

“Yes,” he replied. “If you ever cross me, I’ll quit. I don’t like you. I don’t care if I save the world. I’m not a deity, and I hope to fuck I never become one. You will do what I say, when I say, and you’ll like it. You’ll sleep—if your kind ever fucking sleeps—and eat—if your kind ever fucking eats—when I say. Then, when this is all over, you will give me the gift of never letting me lay eyes on your disgusting, veiled face again.”

Ixtab felt like she’d been pummeled by a torpedo. “Whoa there, Sparky. First, what’s with you and the swearing? And second, what did I ever do to you?”

“Didn’t you hear a word I said on the street?” he asked.

He’d said a lot of things. Most of them not very nice, which meant she’d already compartmentalized them in that vacuous place inside her brain where she put everything she would prefer to forget. “Not really.”

Her reply visibly sent him over the edge.

“I’m a vampire because of you.” He jumped from his seat and punched the wall, sending half of it crumbling into the other room. Uh-oh. Helena would be pissed. More repairs. “You! God fucking dammit. You have no idea what you’ve done.”

She’d kept him alive. End of story. “I don’t understand,” she said.

“Like I give a shit if you do. Let’s get one thing straight: you promised to never leave me.”

Where the hell was he going with this? He couldn’t possibly hold her to that deathbed promise.

“And?” she asked.

“And as long as I live, you belong to me—a lowly, disgusting, pathetic vampire.”

Was that what this was all about? He wanted to punish her by making her his little Igor punching bag. At that comment… jeez. Sounded like someone had a bruised ego.

“This has nothing to do with me calling you ‘disgusting’ the morning Kinich attacked you, does it?” She hadn’t meant it; she’d simply wanted him to stay away from her.

“I’m angry because you had me turned. You have no idea what you’ve done.”

Ixtab’s rage finally bubbled over. “Oh, but I do! I saved you. And if you want to be angry with someone, why aren’t you angry with Kinich? He’s the one who attacked you.” Actually, that wasn’t right, either. Kinich only attacked him because he’d been whammied by Zac.

“Hate him?” Antonio seethed. “For being a vampire, a slave to his bloodlust? He had no choice. But you…”

Oh, good. At least he wasn’t holding a grudge against Kinich. That was something. As for her turning him into a vampire, there was no other choice. Why couldn’t he get that through his thick, backward man skull? And where did he get off treating her like an old, chewed-up shoe? Him. An icky, yicky vampire. Well, he had another fang coming!

“What I do not understand is why you would do so when you think so little of us?” he said with a hint of regret.

“Huh?” Ixtab’s rage sputtered out. Was that hurt in his beautiful green eyes? It was hard to tell with him up there and her down there. She’d need to start wearing heels.

“Your sister Fate told me how you loathe my kind,” he said calmly. “You think we are an abomination to this world.”

True. But damned that Fate! Why would she tell him? Stupid cow.

“I can’t help how I feel. Vampires are bottom-feeders.” With exception to Kinich, Julie, Viktor, and Helena, of course.

Before she blinked, his large hands clamped her shoulders and a spark of dark energy released from her body.

“No! You can’t do…” A split second passed but nothing happened. Once again, he didn’t show the faintest sign of yearning for death, and once again, she found herself frozen, mesmerized by him.

“How? How can you stand to touch me?” she croaked.

His olive-green eyes drilled into her. “Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck cares?”

I do. Oh my gods, I do!

His eyes went wide, and he looked at his hands and then released her like yesterday’s garbage.

“I-I…” Ixtab turned to leave before she had a complete meltdown right in front of him. Or hugged him. Or cried from confusion. Or kicked his man truffles—Are they milk chocolaty brown like the rest of him? Or something very, very bizarre in between. The Universe had to be playing a cruel, cruel joke on her. Her entire existence she’d longed to simply touch another being. Not kill. Not save. Simply… touch. For no other reason than because she wanted to feel connected to the world. Her entire existence, she’d watched mortals go throughout their day, unaware of how lucky they were—an embrace, a pat on the back, shaking hands… a kiss. Such simple gestures. Imagine a life without these things. Imagine how lonely and disconnected from the world one might feel.

So after eons of near isolation, the Universe finally decided to listen and granted her wish? Like this? In the form of an icky vampire who hates her guts? And who reminded her of the single most painful moment of her life?

Well, thank you, Universe! Getting your own standup comedy show next? A special on HBO perhaps? ’Cause… har-fucking-har, lady! Ixtab’s anger took the steering wheel. Unfortunately, she couldn’t take it out on the Universe, so that left her with…

“Find another pooch. I am the Goddess of Suicide. I answer only to Death, and guess what? He doesn’t want you. You’re not good enough.”

Antonio’s beautiful green eyes flickered to black. “Muy bien. You want to play hardball? Then kiss your world good-bye, Ixtab. I know I’m the only one who can crack the tablet’s code. Without me, humanity perishes. How do you like those manzanas?”

He knows I’m compelled to put humans first?

Dang it! Checkmate.

“Fate told you, didn’t she?” Going. To. Kill. Her.

His wicked smile produced a little dimple on each side of his mouth.

“Oh, you can guess again, mister, if you think flashing those adorable little dimples will bend me to your will. I don’t care if you are the hottest card-carrying member of the penis club—I’ve gone seventy millennia without a man. I’m immune to your drop-dead gorgeousness!”

He looked at her with a blank stare. “Seventy thousand years without getting laid?”

Oh, pita chips! Ixtab cupped her veiled mouth. “Well… uh, I meant…” Shit, shit, shit. “… Without a boyfriend. Of course I’ve had a man.” To dinner. Once. Change subjects! Anything to escape this conversation. “Fine. I’ll help you! What would you like me to do, Dr. Dracula?”

His smile faded away. “Don’t call me that.”

Hit a nerve did I? “Sorry. I meant”—she made her hands into claws—“maaasssster,” she slurred, doing her best impression of Igor.

A twitch of a smile flickered across his lips, but his frown quickly rebounded. “You are completely childish, you know that?”

And just like that, the anger between them dissipated like a wisp of steam. Hands down, this was the oddest situation ever. Odder than the time Cimil started a pumpkin rodeo—she’d claimed that the squash weren’t getting their fair share of fun—and odder than the fact that random good-looking men always seemed to bump into her (and then meet their demise).

But this one… this one is still alive. And she couldn’t deny she wanted him to touch her again. And again. However, that didn’t mean she wasn’t pissed and wouldn’t have to teach him a lesson or two on how to behave with a goddess.

Sounds exciting.

“Childish, huh? Since I’m a deity, you think I’m supposed to act like a crusty, old know-it-all? Where’s the fun in that? Don’t let my immaturity fool you; I’m ancient. I’m deadly. And if you cross me again, I’ll…” Oh, drat. What would I do? “I’ll do something baaad.”

He tilted his head to one side. “Are you done?”

“Uh… yeah. I think so,” she replied.

“Good.” He placed his hand on her back and moved her toward the table. “Because we have a portal to open.”

Ixtab’s eyes went wide beneath her veil as his touch sent waves of intoxicating bliss through her body. Oh, gods. What was happening? And what was she getting herself into?

She hadn’t a clue, but there was no doubt in her mind she was already knee-deep.