Unravel

14—TRANSCEND

I stop talking.

The memory becomes distant. I’m standing still, but it’s moving away slowly. Further, further, further. It becomes a small speck in my mind before it disappears altogether.

A shaky breath escapes me and I meet Dr. Rutledge’s gaze. Every time I tell her more of my story, I’m sucked back to those moments. It’s painful to come back to reality. I want to stay in my past where Max was waiting, where I still had Lana with me.

Dr. Rutledge looks at me with understanding before she looks down at her watch. “It’s already 5 p.m. We’ll resume tomorrow.”

God, yes. I can’t take much more. I need to get out of her office and make sure all my memories of Lachlan, Max and Lana stay here. I picture myself locking the door and tossing the key behind me and running far away.

I stand and walk to the door.

“Naomi?”

I wince and turn. Don’t tell me there is more.

“You did well today,” Dr. Rutledge says gently, with a hint of pride.

I shouldn’t bask in her words, but I do. She’s listening to me. She’s giving me a chance, and that shows me that maybe not every doctor in Fairfax is a total dumb ass.

Mary is waiting for me in the hallway. We walk toward the dining room for dinner. Neither of us says a word. I’m trying to leave behind Max and Lana in Dr. Rutledge’s office, but it’s impossible. They follow me everywhere.

I can’t escape them.

We stop outside of the dining room. “I’ll pick you back up in forty-five minutes,” Mary says before she walks away.

I’m twenty going on six. Hell, everyone here is. Everything I do here requires supervision. It was annoying the first time, but now I’m used to it.

The irony of this room is the layout. It looks like a classy restaurant. White pillars, a fireplace is between two sets of French doors. Dark blue carpet. Pale yellow walls, and of course, two large paintings of flowers hanging on the wall. I make sure to look at them once during every meal. I consider it my art therapy for the day.

I grab my food that consists of runny mac and cheese, a generous scoop of green beans and one slice of dry, chocolate cake. Plastic utensils and water.

There are tables scattered throughout the room. Some people sit together and talk. Some don’t. Some are like me and sit with no one. My only habit is sitting close to Pretend Mommy. She’s at her usual table, with her baby cradled in her arms.

I chew my food slowly and people watch. Sitting at a table behind Pretend Mommy is Amber. She picks at her macaroni, sifting through the noodles until she finds one that meets her standards. She finally chooses one, sucks the cheese. She goes to discreetly wipe her face, but I watch as she spits the noodle into the napkin.

She repeats this routine. A nurse sees the same thing I do. She walks over to Amber and talks quietly in her ear.

Amber grinds her teeth and holds another noodle to her mouth and stares for a few seconds. And then she snaps.

“I want to go back to my fucking room!” She picks up her tray and throws it at the wall.

Havoc breaks out everywhere. Patients start to shriek. A few giggle. One cries and hides under the table. Pretend Mommy cradles her baby to her chest and sings a nursery rhyme.

There’s a guy sitting at a table next to me. He is unfazed. He leans back in his chair and grins. Maybe he’s a lifer. That could explain his joy over all this chaos.

All I can do is stare. There are just some things I will never get used to.

I abandon my food and walk over to a nurse talking to Amber. “Can I go outside?” I ask above the noise.

She gives me an impatient look. I can already tell that she’s going to say no.

“I’m not going to escape or go all crazy,” I say quickly. “I just want a few minutes of peace.”

She looks me up and down. I must pass her inspection. Or maybe she’s tired of the chaos going on and she couldn’t care less what I do. Either way, she briskly says yes and turns back to Amber.

I shove open the door. The cold air slams into me so painfully I almost wheeze. But the door shuts behind me, and as the noises from inside fade, I realize I would take this freezing air any day over sitting in that dining room.

I walk across the snow and make my way to the railing. In front of me is a stretch of land with grass covered by snowflakes and naked trees standing brave in the freezing temperatures. You know, if I want, I can make a run for it. I’ll have thirty minutes, an hour at the most, where no one will even notice I’m gone. As tempting as the thought is, I’m terrified. I keep looking over my shoulder, afraid someone is watching me from the inside and can read my thoughts.

I shove my hands into the sleeves of my hoodie and walk over to the flight of steps. I sit on the top step. This is as close as I’ll get to freedom.

The balcony doors creak open behind me. I keep my face forward as the doors clicks shut.

“Naomi.”

Goose bumps spread across my skin just by the sound of his voice. Lachlan.

He sits down next to me and takes a deep breath. It forms into the air like a mist of smoke. I try to grab it before it disappears but I’m too late.

“I’ve been looking for you,” he says.

I stare straight ahead. “Who told you where I was?”

His shoulder touches mine and he makes no effort to move away. I close my eyes and just take this in. His warmth, the feel of him. My hands curve around the underside of my thighs. I continue to stare out into the trees.

“No one,” he says. “When I walked into the dining room you were walking outside and… here you are.”

“Here I am,” I say, testing his words, trying to make sense of them.

Am I really here? Sure, in the physical sense I am, but that means nothing. It’s my soul, the very core of me that feels split up. And Max, Lachlan, and Lana hold those pieces.

Finally, I look over at Lachlan. I want to reach into him and grab the part of myself that he stole.

My heart is stuck in my throat, as I look him over. I love him so much. I love him too much to be considered healthy. I know that. And yet, I love Max with almost the same intensity. Does that make me a terrible person? Loving two men at the same time? I suppose. But I crave the both of them more than air.

If I had to choose between the two of them right here, right now, I couldn’t. I don’t know how to live without either one.

Lachlan has slightly changed. I know that’s impossible. It hasn’t been that long since I’ve seen him. His hair looks longer. Usually, he’s always clean-shaven, but there’s stubble on his face. His eyes look weary and so sad. I want to ask what’s keeping him up at night, but I’m pretty sure I already know.

“You told me you weren’t coming back.” I feel too much right now. So my eyes start to well up with tears. The emotions have to get out somehow. “You can’t just keep coming in and out of my life. It will kill me,” I say brokenly.

He drags his fingers through his thick hair. “I don’t know if I should even be here right now,” he admits. “I just miss you so fucking much.”

I let his words sink in and instantly feel a surge of energy that I haven’t felt since the last time I saw him.

“I miss you too,” I whisper.

Lachlan’s sharp hazel eyes focus on me with determination. “They allow you out of here on passes or something like that. You know that, right?”

I didn’t. “How do you know?”

“I asked. If you can get away from here for the weekend… you want me to take you away?”

I want it more than my next breath. I find my voice and whisper. “I’d love that.”

“Good. It will happen,” he says with confidence.

Lachlan has enough optimism for the both of us. I really don’t believe that they’ll ever give me a weekend pass. I’m starting to believe that I’ll never get out of here.

I look away. “Have I always been crazy?” I ask absently.

“Don’t say that about yourself.”

I nudge my head toward the building. “They think I’m crazy. Keep trying to diagnose me.” I toy with the material of my sweat pants. “Even my new doctor… she can’t seem to figure me out.”

“Do you like her?”

“Better than my old doctor. For some reason, I trust her.” I shrug awkwardly.

“That’s good though,” Lachlan says.

I glance at him. “I saw you a few nights ago.”

Lachlan frowns.

“You laid with me,” I continue. He sucks in a sharp breath and links his hands behind his neck. His eyes slam shut, like he’s in pain. “Crazy, right? You weren’t there, but you were. I swear you were. You talked to me. You told me a story to help me fall asleep. Even now, I can’t tell if you’re sitting next to me, or if I’m imagining this.”

Abruptly, he stands up and kneels on the step below me. His knees are buried in the cold snow, but he doesn’t seem to care.

“I’m here right now.”

Both of his hands wrap around my knees. His fingers rub my skin softly. I stay perfectly still and watch his hand travel from my knees, up the sides of my thighs, and to my waist. He grips me tightly, as if I will flee in any second.

“Someday, you’re gonna get out of here.” He utters the last of his words slowly. “And everything’s going to be okay.”

I believe his words only because they’re all I have left. Bending close, I wrap myself around him and tuck my face into his neck. I breathe him in like it’s the last thing I’ll ever be able to do.

“Tell me what you’re fighting and I’ll fight with you,” he whispers into my hair.

My hand curls around his neck, holding him place. A painful moan tears from my mouth. If I could reach inside myself to find the words, I’d tell Lachlan I miss him every day. That every day apart makes me feel like I’m slowly being drained of life. But I don’t have to speak. Lachlan hears the truth without a sound escaping my mouth.

“I know,” he whispers. He pushes himself closer and our faces are inches apart, our breath mingling together. “I’m going to get you out of here.”

Hope has all but disappeared from my spirit. But I feel it now. I hold on tight to it. Who knows how long this feeling will last.

He pulls away reluctantly. His fingers brush against my cheeks, making slow circles. “I have to leave.”

“No,” I protest. My hands tighten around his neck. “Stay.”

“I didn’t sign in at the front desk. Mary will find me and you know she’s not afraid to kick me out of here.”

“Stay,” I whisper against his lips.

“I… ” He starts to say something, but it fades into the air.

His lips move against mine. Slowly at first. But then the kiss picks up speed and the two of us almost become desperate. My fingers curl into his hair. He breathes through his nose. His body leans into mine and the feel of his weight makes warmth spread throughout me.

Then Lachlan rips himself away. The two of us are breathing heavily. His hands grip the railing. “I have to go.” I don’t know whether he’s saying that for himself or me. “But I’m not going to stay away, okay? I love you,” he says fiercely.

“I love you too.”

He stands and walks up the stairs. I hear snow crunching underneath his feet.

I drop my face into my hands. I reach into my memory and go through the years until I find one that makes the blow of Lachlan leaving soften.

I find a memory that makes my lips softly curl into a smile. I find a memory that makes me numb to the cold, and to the feeling of loneliness.