Time Enough For Love

VARIATIONS ON A THEME-XVI

Eros

Minerva said, "Lazarus, will you walk with me? Outside?"

"I will if you'll smile."

She smiled briefly. "None of us feels much like smiling today. But I'll try."

"Confound it, dear, you know I won't be gone any time to speak of, by this framework. Just like the calibrating hop the twins and I made."

"Yes, dear. Shall we go?"

He patted her little skirt. "Thought so. Where's your gun?"

"Must I wear it? When you are with me? I will wear it without fail...while you are gone."

"Well- Bad precedent. All right." They paused in the foyer. Minerva said, "Athene dear, please tell Tamara I'll be back in time to help with dinner."

"Sure thing, Sis. Hold it- Tammy girl says she doesn't need help, so don't hurry."

"Thanks, Sister. And thank Tammy for me." They left the house, started up a gentle bill. Presently she said, "Tomorrow.

"'Tomorrow,'" Lazarus repeated, "but don't make it sound like a dirge. I've told you all that, while this trip will be ten T-years elapsed time for me, it will be at most a few weeks for you at home-and even less for the twins. What is there to get solemn over?"

Instead of answering, she said, "How long will I live?"

"Eh? Minerva, what sort of question is that? Not too long if you neglect ordinary precautions such as going armed and staying alert. If you mean your life expectancy-well, if the geneticists know what they are talking about, you have exactly the expectancy I was born with and it doesn't matter that I'm a freak; I pass it on to you. But even if they are mistaken about that gene complex in the twelfth chromosome pair, there is no possible doubt that you are a Howard in every gene. So you're good for a couple of centuries without trying. But with a willingness to undergo rejuve every time you reach menopause, I couldn't guess how long you will last-they learn more about it every year. As long as you want to live, probably. How long is that?"

"I don't know, Lazarus."

"Then what's eating you, dear? Sorry you gave up being a computer for vulnerable flesh-and-blood?"

"Oh, no!"

Then she added, "But sometimes it hurts."

"Yes. Sometimes it does."

"Lazarus...if you are certain you are coming back why did you reorient Dora so that her affection is fixed on Lori and Lazi rather than on you?"

"Is that all that's troubling you? A routine precaution, that's all. Why did Ira make a new will when we set up our family? Why do we all have wills emplaced in Teena? My sisters will own the 'Dora' presently no matter what; they already run it. If anything did happen to me- Do you remember something you said years ago? You told Ira that you would self-destroy rather than serve another master."

"Is it likely that I would fail to carry over such a memory? That day led to this, by inevitable concatenation. Lazarus, I left behind much of my memories...but I traced and retraced in this Minerva every conversation that Minerva ever shared with you. Every word."

"Then you know why I won't risk hurting a computer who thinks she's little girl...and why I don't dare risk an emotional malfunction in a piloting computer somewhere out between the stars-when my sisters' lives depend on that computer. Minerva, I would have bonded Dora to Lori and Lazi just on Dora's account; she needs to love and be loved. But if I had neglected to do it as a safety precaution for the twins-well, a man who refuses to take his own death into account in making plans is a fool. A self-centered fool who does not love anyone."

"You are not that, Lazarus, you have never been that."

"Oh, yes, I have! It took me endless years to learn."

Again she let time pass before she spoke. "Lazarus...I have often wondered about Llita."

"'About Lilta'? Huh?"

"And about her, even more than about Llita. Do I really look like her?"

He stopped and stared at her. They were near the top of the hill now, out of sight of the house. "I don't know. How can I know? A thousand years- Memories fade and blend. I think you look like her. Yes, you do."

"Is that why you can't love me? Did I make a terrible mistake in wanting to look like her?"

"But darling...I do love you."

"You do? Lazarus, you have never shared this boon with me." Suddenly she unwrapped the little skirt, dropped it on the grass. "Look at me, Lazarus. I am not she. For your sake I wish I could be she. But I am not...and I made- I- I was a computer then and didn't know any better. I did not mean to hurt you, I did not mean to raise ghosts in your mind! Can you forgive me this?"

"Minerva! Stop, darling! There is nothing to forgive."

"Time is short, you are leaving. Can you truly forgive me? Will you put your child into me before you go?" Her eyes were welling tears, but she stared at him steadily. "I want your child, Lazarus. I will not ask twice...but I could not let you leave without asking. In my ignorance I made myself look like her-because you loved her-but you could close your eyes!"

"Beloved-"

"Yes, Lazarus?"

"Does Ira close his eyes? Refuse to see you?"

"No."

"Does Justin? Or Galahad? If you can stand my homely face, I surely can stand your lovely one-and, with any luck, she'll look more like you than me. Let's go back to the house."

Her face lit up. "What's wrong with this little stand of trees?"

"Mmm. Yes. Now."