Thieving Fear

TWENTY-SIX

Ellen felt less alone for having admitted the truth about Thurstaston until Hugh whispered 'Everyone else should stay here. I'll go.'

'Rory doesn't have much choice, Hugh,' Charlotte said.

'I know that,' Hugh muttered as if reproving her for a tasteless joke. 'That's why I'm going. I mean you two.'

'So you can't be as bad as you think you are.'

'I don't follow.'

'That's all you seem to have been doing lately.'

'Why are you being like this, Charlotte?' Ellen gripped her toadstool knees through the inadequate concealment of her trousers to keep her detestable hands from invading her vision. 'How do you think it can help?'

'I'm simply saying if Hugh's able to go all that way by himself he can't very well be as disoriented as I've been imagining he is.'

'You sound as if you want him to be.'

Charlotte hunched her shoulders as if clenching her body around her thoughts. Perhaps she was miming her awareness of Annie at her back, since she said almost inaudibly 'If we're going to argue, let's do it outside.'

'Why do we have to at all?' Hugh said as low. 'That's what he wants.'

Charlotte stared at him and opened her mouth, then twisted around on her chair. 'Annie, could you call us if there's any change? We just want to step into the corridor for a few minutes.'

'You go and have your conference. That's what families are for.' Annie patted her husband's unresponsive hand, perhaps in memory of a discussion or many of them. 'Your Rory's safe with me,' she said.

Hugh glanced nervously out of the window as he stood up once his cousins had. Ellen saw Annie watching her with a mixture of concern and encouragement that she might have directed at a patient who had risen from one of the beds. She trudged after Charlotte with Hugh at her heels, but Charlotte stopped short of the exit and swung around. 'You know what we should do while we have the chance.'

'Sounds like you're going to tell us,' Hugh said rather than invited.

Charlotte turned to the sister behind the desk. 'I wonder if there's anyone we could consult? I've developed a bad case of claustrophobia. Hugh's sense of direction has gone haywire, hasn't it, Hugh, and . . .'

Ellen heard the words flinch from describing her. If even Charlotte couldn't find any for her, Ellen's state must be worse than she knew. Sheer professionalism let the sister hide her revulsion as she gazed at Ellen while telling Charlotte 'We should have people you can see.'

'Can we now?' Hugh said.

'You'd have to make appointments, I'm afraid.'

'How soon?' As he grew red-faced with impatience or with embarrassment at sounding childish, he added 'I mean how soon will they be for?'

'I couldn't speak for our consultants, but –'

'Today?'

'No, not today. I shouldn't think this week.'

'That's no use. It's too late.'

'Well, I'm very sorry,' the sister said, perhaps unaware that he'd addressed the complaint to Charlotte.

Charlotte left it until she'd bustled him out of the ward as if dealing with an impolite child. Once the doors shut behind Ellen as well Charlotte said 'I come back to what I was saying. You can't be as bad as you've been making us worry you are if you can do without medical help.'

'If it's only a nightmare I ought to be able to live with it, shouldn't I? I'll have to for Rory's sake.'

As Ellen realised she didn't agree with him or Charlotte, Hugh managed to direct his gaze at her. 'Not just his,' he said.

'You can't use us as an excuse,' Charlotte said, 'if you won't tell us what you're proposing to do.'

'I wouldn't say he was making excuses, Charlotte.'

'All right then, reason, though I don't think that particularly fits either. Maybe I will if you tell us, Hugh.'

'We don't want you going off by yourself without a plan,' Ellen said, 'and no idea what you may be facing.'

'I'll find him and dig him out if you tell me where. He won't like that. I bet he doesn't like the light, in fact I know he won't.'

'Hugh,' Charlotte said as though she wanted to compete with Ellen at gentleness. 'A few minutes ago you were acting as if you thought someone was outside the window. I'm assuming that was supposed to be the same person.'

Hugh's gaze veered left and right along the corridor. He might have been searching for the person referred to, if not a way to escape the interrogation, as he said 'I wish we were in one of your books and things would be simpler.'

'Books aren't as simple as all that. You should try writing one sometime,' Ellen said and felt ashamed of turning on him. 'Anyway, no need to get confused. Take my word, he's in the cliff. If he seems to be anywhere else as well that'll just be part of the nightmare.'

'So at least now you're accepting things aren't real,' Charlotte said. 'You tell her, Hugh.'

'We're all living in our nightmares,' Hugh said, struggling to keep his gaze on Ellen. 'Is that what you mean?'

'I'm asking you to tell her whether she needs to starve herself.'

'Of course you don't, Ellen.' Hugh's eyes grew moist if no more stable. 'You mustn't,' he pleaded. 'Look at you.'

Ellen found her lips difficult to operate, proof that they were as thick as they felt. 'I'd rather not,' she succeeded in pronouncing.

'We are,' Charlotte assured her, 'and what do we see? Tell her, Hugh. This is a lot more important than going off.'

His eyes had lost their way again. Ellen watched him drag his gaze back to her as he said 'You're thin enough. You're too thin. Don't be any more.'

'He's right, Ellen. You must see that,' Charlotte said, but then she looked away from Ellen. 'What's the matter with her?'

Ellen thought this meant her until she realised Charlotte was peering into the ward. Annie was beckoning while she leaned sideways towards Rory's bed and turned her eyes to it. Charlotte shoved the doors apart and hurried down the room. 'What's wrong, Annie?'

'I don't know if it's wrong,' Annie said and returned her free hand to clasping her husband's. 'I thought I heard him say something.'

'Who did?' Hugh called, his breath fluttering on the nape of Ellen's neck.

'Your Rory. Who else would it have been?'

Ellen rubbed her moist neck and snatched her hand away from rediscovering how spongy her flesh was. 'What did he say?'

'He doesn't look like he said anything, does he? Maybe I dozed off for a minute and dreamed it. I truly thought I heard him, but I haven't been getting much sleep.'

Ellen sought refuge in the space between the beds. Rory appeared not to have shifted, and his hand didn't stir when she made herself reach for it. At least he didn't flinch from her touch, but she kept her gaze on Annie while Hugh insisted 'What did you think he said?'

'I thought he was asking for something,' Annie said, only to shake her head.

Charlotte was sitting sideways on her chair as if she were a mediator. With sufficient patience for all three of them she prompted 'And that would have been . . .'

'Something to write with. I thought it was because he couldn't talk.'

'It's harder to write,' Hugh objected.

'He mightn't realise, might he? I don't know what else he'd have meant by a pen.'

Ellen felt Hugh's stare fasten on her. As she met it he spoke for at least the two of them. 'What exactly do you think he said?'

'I'm not sure exactly. I don't suppose he would have been. Something about a pen, that's all I could make out.' More obstinately than Ellen thought was called for Annie added 'If I did.'

'Something pen, you're saying he said.'

'That's about it,' Annie said and then fingered her lips as if to check that they were working properly. 'Half a tick, though. Maybe it was more like pen something. It wouldn't have been pendulum, would it? That doesn't seem to make sense.'

'It doesn't,' Charlotte told her cousins in particular.

'How about demand? I suppose that would mean he was wanting it.'

'He's wanting all right,' Hugh said and stumbled to his feet. 'I've got to be going. I need to be there well before dark.'

Charlotte crouched over the end of the bed as if a weight had pressed her skull down. 'Suppose you aren't?'

'I will be. I've plenty of time still,' he said and lurched at the aisle.

Ellen imagined him losing his way, wandering desperately as the night caught up with him. She squeezed Rory's hand before levering her sluggish body, her slug of a body, off the chair. 'You're going to need me, Hugh.'

'I'll be best off by myself,' he hissed, concealing his words from Annie with his left hand. 'You don't want to see.'

'I've seen once,' Ellen murmured, only to grasp that he was referring to whatever he might have to do. 'I'll need to show you where. You'll stay here, won't you, Charlotte?'

'Someone certainly has to,' Charlotte said but seemed inclined to follow them, presumably to dissuade them. 'You're actually going to do this,' she said under her breath.

'That's right,' Hugh said and strode with a little less conviction towards the doors. He held the left one open for Ellen, so that she almost failed to notice he was uncertain which way to go. At least the corridor was empty, but she would be visible to spectators soon enough. It was just the start of the journey, and already she was dreading what she and Hugh might encounter on the way, never mind at the end. As the doors met with a discreet thump like the surreptitious fall of a lid, she heard Annie summarise the sudden exodus. 'Was it something I said?'