The Year's Best Science Fiction 11

MARS IS OURS! ART BUCHWALD

When it was discovered by American and Russian space probes that there was indeed life on Mars, an immediate foreign ministers’ conference in Geneva was called to decide what to do about it.

The United States, through its Secretary of State, announced that America had no territorial designs on the planet and the U.S. position was that the Martians should be free to choose their own government, providing of course that it was not Communist-dominated or leftist-inspired.

The Soviet minister said that if the Martians wanted to overthrow the reactionary rulers who were probably exploiting the Martian masses, his country would have no choice but to come to their aid. He said that if the Martians requested it, the Soviet Union would supply them with planes, rockets, and up-to-date radar.

The United States said that if the Soviet Union interfered, it would have no choice but to send Marines to Mars to protect the lives of free Martians as well as American tourists who would soon be visiting there.

The real problem was that nobody knew what kind of government the Martians had.

All the photographs showed that there was life on Mars, but unfortunately there were no flags in the pictures to indicate where the Martians stood.

Both the Soviet Union and the United States were at a stalemate until someone came up with a brilliant solution.

Mars would be divided in half. The northern part would be known as North Viet-Mars and the south would be known as South Viet-Mars.

The Soviets would be in charge of the North, the U.S. in charge of the South, and free elections would be promised within two years of partition.

The United States immediately set up a Mars aid program to give the Martians economic and financial assistance when the time came. It also trained military-assistance teams which would land with the aid people and train the Martians in defense against the North.

The Soviets divided North Viet-Mars into communes and trained political commissars and technicians to go into the country and communize it.

In the meantime, Communist China, which had not been asked to the conference, started making its own plans for Mars. It announced an Afro-Asian-Mars Conference to take place in Peking, where both the Western “bandits” and the Soviet “deviationists” would be attacked. China said, as soon as it had enough spaceships, it would send one million Chinese volunteers to Mars to save the planet from American and Soviet imperialism.

Although the French had nothing to do with the space explorations, they insisted Mars should become part of a Third Force under the direction of General de Gaulle.

Unbeknownst to the great powers on Earth, the Martians were holding a summit meeting of their own on the Mars Bar Canal.

“Then it is agreed upon,” the Grand Clyde of Mare Cimmerium said. “We shall set up an East Earth and a West Earth. We shall have the East, and Trivium Charontis will have the West.”

The Trivium Charontis Super Zilch said, “We shall hold elections within two years and let the Earth people decide for themselves what form of government they want.”

“I cannot state strongly enough,” said the Grand Clyde of Mare Cimmerium, “that if Trivium Charontis does anything to violate the treaty we will be forced to use all the weapons at our disposal.”

“And I can assure you, Grand Clyde, Trivium Charontis will not stand by and see West Earthlings swallowed up by Mare Cimmerium. If need be, we shall use the clong.”

The Grand Clyde said, “We shall see which system prevails.”