The Toyminator

28

And Tinto served drinks on the house.

Jack toasted Eddie.

And Eddie, Jack.

And Bellis toasted himself.

“You did brilliantly, Jack,” said Eddie Bear, balancing upon his head on the barstool in order that he might really benefit from the beer. “You are as brilliant as.”

“We both did okay,” said Jack. “We’re a team, you and me. We’re the business.”

“And we should be back in business now.” Eddie struggled to pour further beer down his inverted throat. Jack gave him a little helping out. “We can open for business big time now.”

“You think we’ve seen the last of the chickens?”

“I reckon so. The portal between the worlds is destroyed.” Eddie hiccuped. “And from what we both know about the chicken matriarchy, the new Queen will reverse the policies of the old. Pretty daft system, I grant you, but they are chickens. And so I suppose that means that not only is our world saved, but the world of men also.”

“I didn’t take much to that world,” said Jack, draining his glass and ordering several more. “Things are problematic here, but out there … That place is mad.”

“I thought it held some appeal for you.” Eddie tried to remain on his head and did so with some style. “What with that Dorothy. Where is she, by the way?”

“She’s gone,” said Jack. “She left.”

“Left?” said Eddie. “Left for where and why?”

“She returned to the soil,” said Jack. “I dug her in.”

“You did what?” And Eddie fell from the barstool.

Jack helped Eddie to his feet. “She wasn’t human,” he said. “She was something else entirely. The last of her kind. She was, well, is a vegetable.”

“And you’re kidding me, right?”

“No,” said Jack. “I’m not. The chickens conquered her world a couple of years back. She escaped through another Big O, this one in a big sign that spelt out ‘SPROUTLAND’. She escaped to Hollywood. She was waiting there for someone like me – well, someones like us, as it happens – to help her take her revenge against the chickens for wiping out her kind.”

“And you ‘dug her in’?”

“Into Tinto’s garden. She’ll take root. She’ll bloom here. She’s, er been fertilised.”

“Excruciating,” said Tinto.

“That almost makes me want to cry,” said Eddie. “But I’ll fight the sensation and drink more beer instead.”

“I really liked her, you know,” said Jack, making a wistful face.

“A bit more than liked, I suspect,” said Eddie, climbing back onto his stool.

“Nothing of the sort,” said Jack. “I’m as hard as nails, me. Women are just women.”

“Leave it out, Jack, you’re as romantic as.”

“Yeah,” said Jack. “I suppose I am. Now where is Amelie?”

“She went to the toilet,” said Eddie. “To throw up, I suspect. Ah, here she comes now, wobbling somewhat. And, oh look, there’s the Phantom of the Opera.”

Eddie waved towards the Phantom and the Phantom waved back.

And there indeed came Amelie. And she was wobbling somewhat. And she swayed up to Jack and gazed into his eyes.

And then she flung her arms about him.

And gave that Jack a snog.

And Jack for his part snogged her in return.

And Jack, as he would soon find out, was really, truly in love.

“And so all’s well that ends well,” said Eddie, resuming his inverted position on the barstool and enjoying the sensation of all that alcohol draining back into his head.

“All’s well indeed,” said Wellington Bellis, looking with distaste towards the snogging Jack and then with even greater distaste towards Eddie. “And now I feel it is time to bring matters to a satisfactory conclusion. And make my arrest.”

“Your arrest?” asked Eddie.

“Bring the malcontent to justice,” said Bellis. “To whit, arrest you, Eddie Bear, cat’s-paw of the evil criminal mastermind, Tinto –”

“What?” went Tinto.

“Eddie Bear, mass-murderer, and clearly commander of the alien strikeforce, I arrest you in the name of the law. You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say will be twisted around and used against you as damning evidence. In order to condemn you to prison, or worse; and I can think up far worse.”

Eddie Bear said, “Hold on there.”

And Bellis said, “You’re nicked.”

“No, hold on,” said Eddie, tumbling from his stool. “It’s not the way you think – I’m the good guy. I sent this telepathic message to the spaceman to warn you what was going to happen. You see, there were these chickens. You don’t understand …”

Wellington Bellis laughed and laughed. “Had you going there,” he said to Eddie. “You’re not really nicked, I was only joking.”

Eddie Bear looked up and huffed and puffed.

“Do you know what?” said Bellis. “I feel you deserve some special reward for your services to Toy City. In fact I feel that you deserve some special position, or rank. I have the necessary clout to pull a few strings around here. How would you fancy taking on the job of Mayor?”

“Well …” said Eddie Bear.