The Shadow Roads

Five

She felt as though she were being torn in two.

“I’m as divided as my appearance,” Llyn whispered.

The night air required a light shawl, and she drew thisclose around her where she sat, hunched as she would never normally be. Her thoughtsjumped between two men-both of whom were gone-missing. Yet they were everpresent in her thoughts.

If only one were to return, she could stop feeling sodivided. At this thought, which had appeared not for the first time, she shookher head.

This was all ridiculous. Toren did not feel toward her theyway she did toward him. He did not have the feelings for her that Car-ral did.How foolish she was being!

Her head knew this. But feelings were not wise. That was thesad truth of them. Feelings made fools of the wisest, even the eldest. They didnot care if you were noble or if you were an uneducated costermonger. All weretreated the same-fools in their turn.

And yet her feelings for Carral were not feigned. They, too,were strong. And he felt the same, and even more so-she could sense it.

Unlike Toren, he would never see her face, never look uponher with horror, as did all who saw her. No, all of her thoughts and feelingsfor Toren were foolish, utterly misplaced. She had no doubt of this.

Then why could she not put Toren out of her mind? Out of herheart?

“You sit up late, my lady,” a familiar voice said.

Her breath caught. “Have you not injured me enough, Alaan?”

“More than I ever meant to. No apology will suffice for whatI have done.” He was in the dark, some dozen feet away. She, too, was in theshadow of a tree, hidden even from starlight.

“Then why are you here?”

“To offer my humble apologies, even though they will meannothing.”

“I do not accept them,” she said firmly. “Begone.”

But he did not go. She could sense him there, lurking in thedarkness.

“What is it you want of me, rogue?”

He shifted from foot to foot. “There is a man here in CastleRenne-he is called Kai-”

“Yes, the man in the barrow. I have heard all about him.”

“You can’t begin to know Kai’s story. His life has beenlonger than any mortal man’s. Had you heard that?”

“I had not … How would you know this?”

“Because my memories, Lady Llyn, stretch back to times forgotten.To times when the Kingdom of Ayr was a wildland, a vast forest we called TolYosel-the River Lands. The forbears of the Renne and the Wills were hunters, orfishers of the great river-later called the Wyrr, after my father.”

She tugged her shawl closer, as a chill seemed to washthrough her heart. “You frighten me, rogue,” she said. “Tell me no more. I donot wish to know why you have come. Leave me in peace.”

“Peace is no more. We are at war.” He took a few stepsacross the walkway, gravel scuffing beneath his feet. His voice seemed to haveaged; though melodious yet, it was heavy and world-weary. “You know that Hafyddis a sorcerer.”

“I know that you are a sorcerer!” she said angrily.

He did not respond right away, and when he did his voice wasquiet, conciliatory. “Kai cannot fall into the hands of our enemies. Hafyddcannot find him. It is of the utmost importance.”

“Why?”

“You would not believe me if I told you.”

“You do not think me intelligent enough to understand?”

“I think you too intelligent, Lady Llyn. That is why youwouldn’t believe me.”

“You are a flatterer and a rogue. Where is it you go now?”Llyn asked, not sure why.

“I have a task to complete, and then I go to war, I think.”

He stood still a moment, as though expecting her to speak.

“Luck to you then, Alaan,” she said, feeling confused andweak, unable to maintain even feelings of anger.

“Luck to us all, Lady Llyn.” But he did not go. She couldhear him breathing, almost, she imagined, hear the beating of his heart. “May Ioffer an observation?”

“Of what?” she asked apprehensively. He had never asked forpermission to speak his mind before.

“Of Lady Llyn.”

“You may not!”

She imagined the shadow gave a slight bow and turned awayagain, taking a few purposeful strides.

“What is it?” she called out. “What is it you would say?”

He stopped, farther off, now. For a maddening moment he saidnothing. Llyn felt herself lean forward, holding her breath, her heart racing.

“You shall regret this choice you’ve made, Lady Llyn. I willtell you this-when you stand before Death’s gate you will wish you had lived,for it is a place of regrets.” He hesitated, then said very quietly, “You willwish you had lived.”

And he was gone.

For a moment she sat utterly still, unable to rise, asthough the wind had been knocked from her. And then she was striding toward thestairs. She snatched up a lantern that stood there and went quickly down thepath Alaan had taken. He was not to be found. But then she stopped. There,beyond the doveplum tree was a narrow cleft in the in the shrubbery that sheknew had never been there before. She stared into this dark void, the lightdancing as her hand trembled. There was a path into her garden! She almost feltan urge to walk down it, to see where it led. But she only stood and stared,her arm quickly tiring as she held the lantern aloft.

In a moment she turned and hurried away, breaking into arun. She dashed up the stairs and slammed the door behind her, almost droppingthe lantern to the door.

“Your grace?” came the voice of her maid of the bedchamber. “Issomething wrong? Your grace is as pale as a cloud.”

“Call a guard. Quickly!”

Two guards came, at the run, and Llyn’s servant led themdown into the garden.

“It is just here,” Llyn called from a shadow, as the guardsapproached the place where the path had opened. The two guards stumbled intothe bushes, breaking branches and trampling the flowers. Llyn drew nearer andwatched them go, their lantern growing smaller and dimmer, as though theywalked off into a wood. And then it disappeared altogether, though there was awall not three yards away.

It was some hours later when the two guards returned,looking flustered and out of sorts. They had followed the path into the woodfor some distance, but when they tried to retrace their steps they could not.Instead, they found themselves several furlongs away, near the river-and theyhad not walked a tenth that distance they were certain.

In the garden the path could no longer be found.

Llyn shut herself up in her room and bolted the doors,looking around as though the walls might open up, or a man appear out of thinair. That night she did not go to bed but sat up, awake, feeling as though shewere being torn apart, like everyone in Castle Renne could walk unannouncedinto her little kingdom.

For many hours she paced, forth and back, like an animal ina cage. Finally, she stopped before the window where her reflection floated,faint and ghostly, against the night. She turned her face so that only the goodside could be seen, peering out of the corner of her eye.

Half a beauty, she thought.

Very slowly she turned her head, seeing the teeth clench andthe lips turn down, bracing herself. The ruined landscape of her face appeared;the eye with its lid greatly burned away, the bubbled skin across her cheek,red and coarse. Even her lips were reduced to thin red lines, as though someonehad made her mouth with the haphazard slash of a dull knife.

She realized the thing floating in the dark glass lookedlike a creature out of nightmare. “You will have no pity from me,” shewhispered to the creature and a tear rolled down its ruined cheek.