The Shadow Men

Us of Lesser Gods

Jim Banks had never seen this view of the Boston skyline, because it did not exist. Hundreds of low-rise buildings stood silhouetted against the starry sky, some of them softly lit by sweeping chains of lamps lining the haphazardly arranged streets, and more than a dozen tall church spires spiked at the night. He opened his eyes and the dreamscape remained, painted onto his bedroom ceiling by a memory that was already fogging the view. The sense of dislocation remained.

He could switch on his bedside lamp-Jenny hated when he did that, but she never complained-and sketch the basics of that view. But he knew that even if he managed to re-create the shapes and silhouettes, the many church spires and unevenly pitched roofs, the feeling would fade away. Wakefulness was already stealing those disturbing dream visions, swallowing them down into his subconscious. There was only one way that he could retain the flavor and tone, the strange light and shape of that fleeting vision of a Boston he had never known: he would have to paint.

Jim sat up and slid his feet into his slippers. Goosebumps formed on his arms. Damn, it’s cold. Winter’s on its way. Jenny mumbled something and turned over, sighing gently. Jim stood and stared at her vague shadow for a few seconds, making sure he hadn’t woken her and enjoying this private moment. He relished watching his wife sleep. It was a precious time, and as an artist, he could not help wondering what secret things she dreamed. He always looked for a reaction when she viewed one of his new skyline paintings-images that unsettled him so-but her attitude toward them was ambivalent at best.

He walked to the bathroom, closing the door and leaving the light off. Light would wash away more of his dream. Every second that passed diluted it, and he was keen to get up to his attic studio and start painting as soon as possible. But first he needed to use the toilet, and if he didn’t slip on his bathrobe, he’d freeze to death up there.

Up there on those low roofs, he thought, trapped in a roof valley when the first snows come, listening to the hourly chimes from so many church bells-because they all ring on the hour, though there’s no way I can know that. Watching the pigeons flit from roof to roof, listening to the sounds from the street below, the people passing by and the cars, and the lilt to their voices that I can’t quite place because…

“Because I’ve never really heard it,” he muttered, and the memory of his dream faded a little more.

He hurried across the landing, glancing in at Holly as he passed her bedroom. She was snoring softly beneath an avalanche of cuddly toys, surrounded by the trappings of a little girl’s life-pink walls that he’d decorated with Disney characters, books about fairies and imaginary lands, posters of puppies and horses and a landscape from Oz. He smiled, heart aching with love for his daughter. Then he went up the narrow staircase to his studio, closing the door behind him. Jim always painted to music, and he knew how annoyed Jenny would be if he woke them up.

It was three a.m. He’d get no more sleep tonight.

He switched on the lights, and the studio was reflected back down at him from the wide roof windows. He loved this space. During the day the east- and west-facing windows let in the best of the light, and the south-facing balcony at the gable end was often where he took his lunch and coffee breaks. Sometimes Jenny came up to eat with him, on those rare days when she wasn’t teaching, and they’d chat quietly as they watched the world go by below. There were at least half a dozen people he waved to regularly-he didn’t know their names, but routine gave them the opportunity to acknowledge each other. He didn’t want to know their names. Unusually for an artistic type, routine was important to Jim, and to discover their names and perhaps become friends would be to move on to something new.

But now all the light was contained-an even white illumination from the expensive system he’d had installed a few years before. His midnight painting sprees were not that common, but he often found them the most rewarding.

He turned on the music system and ran his finger along the three full shelves of CDs. Chance usually dictated what he listened to while he worked, and sometimes a subconscious decision based on what might influence a current painting. His forefinger slipped across a case. He saw his daughter’s name -No, it says Flogging Molly-and he slipped the CD into the player. As the first strains of mandolin and fiddle slipped from the speakers, he stood before his working plinth. The current canvas was an advertising design for a new chain of pubs in Boston, part of their forthcoming Christmas campaign. He took it down carefully, set it to one side, and mounted a blank canvas. The dreaded blank canvas. He was confident in his abilities but also acknowledged that every new project began with fear.

Jim closed his eyes, trying not to think too much, music passing through him, breathing deeply and trying to hang on to the last vestiges of sleep. Later he’d have coffee, perhaps even sitting out on the balcony if he wrapped up warmly, but that would be when he was properly awake. Now he had to begin. He breathed slowly, deeply, letting that mysterious skyline swallow him, and when he opened his eyes again the canvas was no longer blank.

He picked up a brush and began to transform his dream into reality.

“What time did you get up?” Jenny asked. Jim had heard her moving around half an hour ago, and when her feet trod gently up toward his studio he was already sitting in one of two comfortable chairs, ankles crossed and relaxing as he stared at what he had done.

“Hey, babe,” he said. “About three.”

Jenny smiled and shook her head. Her gorgeous auburn hair hung free, obscuring one eye and swinging across her face in a way he found unbelievably alluring. She wore her long bathrobe and fluffy pig-faced slippers and carried a tray bearing two steaming coffee mugs and a large plate of pancakes and crispy bacon. Her eyes were still swollen from sleep and her hair a mess, and Jim loved her dearly. Eight years of marriage and no sign of an itch yet.

“Slave to your muse, as ever.” She set the tray on the small table between chairs and slumped into the one beside him, reaching out to squeeze his hand.

“Yeah, but I’ll ride that bitch till she obeys my every command.”

Jenny raised an eyebrow and one corner of her mouth, playfully stern. “I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.”

“You look good enough to eat,” he said, glancing down pointedly at her long legs.

“Bacon and pancakes,” she said, yawning.

“I was thinking you might rather have sausage.”

“Jesus, it’s obvious you had a little too much wine last night.”

Jim smiled and shrugged, picking up a coffee mug and inhaling the warm aroma. He always seemed to be horny the morning after a night of drink. Sipping coffee, he looked back to the canvas he’d been working on for almost four hours, and any other thoughts faded away.

I have no idea where this comes from, he thought, but it was not the dreamy origins of these scenes that worried him. There were at least a dozen such canvases in his storage room at the other end of the studio-of this strange Boston, and another that had also never existed-and three more hanging in Boston’s Rose Gallery, part of a permanent display from local artists. The thing that disturbed him was that he didn’t know why they disturbed him. If it was only him that they affected that way, perhaps he could have attributed it to some feeling from those dreams that lingered in his painted representations-a subconscious fear that was given life in his strokes, blocking, and shading. But Holly didn’t like these skylines, either.

To Jenny, they were simply strange. “This one’s a bit different,” she said.

“Well… they all are.” He glanced sidelong at his wife, watched her regarding his night’s work over the rim of her coffee mug. She seemed to be hiding behind the steam, as if that would protect her from something.

“No,” she said, and then fell silent again. She was examining this painting more closely than usual, her slight frown remaining in place even as she put the mug down and picked up a pancake. She took a bite and chewed, never taking her eyes from the painting.

It’s not finished, he wanted to say. It’s just blocked out, really. There’s shading to do and the sky’s wrong. It’s dark enough, but not heavy enough; there’s no depth. But he held back, because he always found himself striving to defend his work. He had a strange relationship with his art: he was utterly confident in his abilities and talent, yet never content with a finished piece.

“I know what it is,” she said through a mouthful of pancake. “It’s more detailed. Closer.”

“Closer.” For a moment he wasn’t sure what she meant. It was still an unknown skyline-although it was Boston, he’d insist to anyone who doubted him, always Boston-this painting was more real, more there than any he had ever done. “Yeah…,” he said, then the studio door opened.

“Can I have ice cream for breakfast?” Holly asked.

“Morning, sweetie!” Jenny said, standing and sweeping their daughter into a hug.

Holly squeezed her mother tightly and smiled over her shoulder at Jim. Jim smiled back, then made a face, sticking out his tongue and waving his hands beside his head. Holly did the same back at him.

“Hey, what’re you up to?” Jenny asked, leaning back to look at her daughter. Holly giggled, and the sound warmed Jim inside. He and Holly often indulged in secretive stuff-silly faces, name calling, silent singing-and she called it their special time. Jenny knew what was going on, of course, but that didn’t matter.

“Nothing, Mom,” Holly said, giggling some more. Then she saw the remnants of breakfast and her eyes went wide. “Yay, pancakes!”

Jim snatched up the last pancake, folded it around a piece of bacon, and stuffed it into his mouth.

“Not fair!” Holly wailed.

“Jim,” Jenny said, smiling and shaking her head.

“Ony hut ons for oo,” he mumbled, and a blizzard of crumbs settled on his chest. Holly squealed with delight, and as Jim chewed the huge mouthful and raised his eyebrows at Jenny’s mock sternness, he reveled in the moment.

Jim had just hit forty. And realizing how far through life he was, he’d started to concentrate more than ever on the here and now. He’d always been an ambitious person, rushing around to make sure tomorrow brought what he most desired… and the todays were often lost with him barely noticing. In his darker moments, he would berate himself for the way he sometimes treated Jenny. She never complained, and he loved her for that, but she had always been the contented one of the partnership, able to cruise through life and appreciate the moment rather than constantly looking ahead. Jim always seemed to be somewhere else.

And then one day, one moment, walking in the woods in Breakheart Reservation up in Saugus with Jenny and seeing Holly leaping from a fallen tree into a muddy puddle, he’d had an epiphany: he was luckier than most. Beautiful wife, gorgeous child, good friends, a nice home, and a job he loved. He’d done his best to hold on to that truth ever since.

Living for the moment had become his new, unspoken motto, and he’d done his best. If Jenny had noticed a change, she hadn’t mentioned it, but for the past few months he had felt a calmness to their relationship that he hadn’t noticed before. They had never had any doubt about their love, but sometimes there was a distance around Jim that love strained to cross.

“What are you trying to say, Daddy?” Holly said through her giggles.

Jim swallowed and picked up the empty plate. “I said, only hot ones for you. Come on, honey, help me make some more pancake mix. And I see blueberries in our future.”

“Cool,” Holly said, but she had become distracted. “Where’s that?” she asked, looking at the new painting.

“Just somewhere from my dreams.”

“What’s wrong with it? It’s one of those wrong places again.”

“What do you mean, honey?”

“I don’t like it.”

“Daddy hasn’t finished it…,” Jenny began, but the girl seemed to cling tighter around her mother’s neck.

“Well, at least we don’t really have to go there.”

“No, we don’t,” Jim said. “The only place we’re headed is the kitchen. Pancakes. Blueberries.” Holly’s smile returned the instant she looked away from the painting.

“Yay!” she squealed, and it was as if the smile had never slipped.

What’s wrong with it? she’d asked.

It’s closer, he thought.

Jenny gave him a quizzical look, though she couldn’t hide her pleasure. “Hey, I don’t mind if you need to stay up here for a while,” she said.

He stood, leaned in close, and kissed Holly, still clinging around Jenny’s neck. “Nah,” he said, and he gave his wife’s behind a squeeze. “I’m done here.”

“Well then, maybe Holly can watch some TV after breakfast,” she said, turning and giving him a glance over her shoulder that made his knees weak.

Jim whistled as he gathered up the coffee mugs and plate. At the studio door he looked back at the canvas. Viewed from this angle, with morning sunlight slanting across it from the sloping skylight, the painting retained its potency. Closer, Jenny had said.

“Maybe tonight I’ll dream of somewhere else,” he said aloud. The echo of his voice was the only reply.

Holly helped him mix more pancake batter, spilling half of it across the counter and the stove, and by the time they’d cooked and eaten several blueberry pancakes each it was almost nine o’clock. It was a Saturday, and Jim’s agent, Jonathan Morris, was due around ten for coffee and a chat. Jonathan had been his agent for longer than Jim and Jenny had known each other, and he was one of their best friends. When it came to the business, he was beyond compare, and much of what Jim had achieved was due to Jonathan’s expertise when it came to corporate negotiation and contracts. But for the last year, Jonathan’s private life had been a mess, and the Saturday visits had become a regular occurrence. They were never really about business.

They cleaned up in the kitchen, then Holly cuddled on the sofa with Marv the Moose, her favorite stuffed toy, and Jenny led Jim upstairs to their master bath. They showered together, making love against the cool tiled wall. Afterward, they soaped each other down. Jim watched the soap swirl from their bodies and spiral down the drain, and he could not avoid seeing patterns and textures in the spinning bubbles. His artist’s eye rarely rested.

“Wow,” Jenny said. “You were horny.”

“Can you blame me?” he asked, rubbing soap across her breasts. Before he met Jenny he’d been an ass man, but the first time she took her bra off for him, he was converted.

“What, these old things?” she said, looking down.

“Jonathan’s going to be here soon,” Jim said.

“I feel so sorry for him, but I’m starting to think some people just aren’t meant to spend their life with one person.”

“I thought he and Philip had it made. Such a sweet guy.”

Jenny shampooed her hair and Jim massaged it in, working with his fingertips. She sighed in contentment, then opened one eye. “Did you know Philip has a huge dick?”

“Eh? No. How would I? Who told you?”

“Jonathan, of course! Not something he’d tell you, I guess.”

“Guess not.” Jim laughed as he adjusted the shower-head, then started rinsing Jenny’s hair, watching the bubbled shampoo spill across her neck and shoulders. In his art, he liked to catch movement-the flow of water, the drift of clouds, the smear of light on a darkened landscape-and his observation of movement was often different from most people’s.

“Nine inches.”

“Okay, I don’t think I need any more information,” he said, and he moved his hands down from her hair to her breasts.

“Wow,” Jenny said, eyes closed again.

“Good?” he asked, because it certainly felt good to him.

“… nine inches…,” she purred.

“It’s not the tools, but the craftsman,” Jim said, drawing her close.

Jenny ran her hand across his stomach and found him again, eyes opening in surprise. “Oh!”

“Yeah.” Jim leaned in and kissed her, and they embraced, relishing each other’s familiar nakedness. Their lovemaking was always passionate, familiarity only adding to the excitement they still felt for each other. “I figure we’ve got ten minutes.”

Jenny turned around. “Better get busy, then,” she said.

“Hi, sweetie!” Jonathan said as Holly opened the front door for him. He bent down to give her a hug and handed her a candy bar, making a great play of saying it was their secret. Holly looked back at Jim and Jenny, giggling and slipping the bar into her pajama pocket.

“What?” Jim said. “I saw nothing.” Holly ran into their living room, and cartoon voices shared her secret.

“Hi, guys,” Jonathan said, smiling. “I brought Dunkin’ Donuts to go with our coffee.” He brandished a large, flat box.

“Then, young Jonathan, you may enter,” Jim said, sweeping his arm toward the kitchen. Jonathan was ten years his senior but had always looked younger than Jim.

Jenny and Jonathan sat at the breakfast bar while Jim ground coffee beans and loaded the machine, making small talk. Jim could hear the hurt in his friend’s voice, a shadow of sadness that made him sound more tired than usual. But for now none of them mentioned what had happened so recently-Philip’s final departure, after so many stormy months. Maybe now you can move on, Jim thought, but he knew how insensitive that would sound if he actually said it aloud. Jonathan was heartbroken, and moving on was the last thing someone with a broken heart wished for. All he wanted to do was move backward to when it had all been good.

“I wanted to take you and Holly out today,” Jonathan said to Jenny. “Lunch in town, then maybe we can look around for something I can buy Holly for Christmas.”

“That’s two months away!” Jim said.

“I like to be organized,” Jonathan said. “How do you think you get all those fine deals I make for you?”

“Sounds good to me,” Jenny said. “We don’t really have any plans for today, do we, Jim?”

Jim shrugged. No plans, though he had been thinking about just hanging around the house as a family, watching a movie, maybe getting takeout later. Jonathan smiled at him, and the sadness had infected his eyes as well. Jim realized that he just wanted to be out doing something, in company he felt comfortable with, and he really couldn’t blame his friend for that. If he ever lost Jenny…

“Jim’s been up all night painting, anyway,” Jenny said.

“Really?” Jonathan said. “Not working on the pub thing, though…”

“One of my cityscapes,” Jim said. The rich aroma from the coffee machine was filling the kitchen now, and combined with the smell of donuts, it was almost heavenly.

“Is it…?” Jonathan began. He’d never liked those paintings. He said they weren’t salable, and it was one of the few times he and Jim had disagreed about his work. It’s not all about the money, Jim had said, and Jonathan had thrown a fit, offended that Jim even had to say that. I’ve always supported your art, he’d said, and that was the truth.

“It’s different,” Jenny said.

“Still needs work. Needs finishing. I’ll do it today while you’re out.”

Jonathan nodded, then flipped open the box’s lid. “Anyone mind if I have first dibs?”

“Help yourself,” Jim said, pouring the coffee. So, that was today laid out before them. Usually the idea of spending a few hours on his own, working in the studio with music blasting and lunch on the balcony luring him on, would have filled him with delight, but now he felt painted out. Four intense hours had done that to him, and the revelation of his faded dream on canvas had left him with a familiar sense of dislocation. Maybe all dreams born were meant to die, but he’d had the same feeling after painting each of those unknown cityscapes-the one today, with low roofs, and the other unknown Boston, with high buildings and a never-seen silhouette. If he was left alone at home, he’d more than likely end up puttering in his studio for an hour or two, then coming down to the living room and falling asleep in front of the TV.

“So, how are you?” Jenny asked.

“I’m okay,” Jonathan replied.

Jim placed their coffees in front of them and took a seat. Jonathan was smiling sadly and looking down at the table. He picked up a crushed blueberry that they’d missed and examined it on the end of his finger, then raised an eyebrow and tasted it. “You had pancakes and didn’t leave any for me?”

Jim looked at the box of a dozen donuts and burst out laughing.

“Hey, comfort food!” Jonathan said. “I’ve just suffered a very traumatic separation, and considering I haven’t had a drink or a smoke in years, what do I have left?”

“Hard drugs,” Jim said, still chuckling.

“They don’t agree with me,” Jonathan said, arching an eyebrow.

“So, donuts it is.”

Jonathan bit into his donut, sugar speckling the stubble across his top lip.

Jim could see already that Jonathan’s spirits had lifted in the few minutes he’d been here. Jenny had always had that effect on him. She was one of life’s calm ones, and she seemed to be able to pass her gift on to anyone who needed it, whatever the circumstances. They chatted some more, shooting the breeze, and Jim refilled their coffee mugs. Jonathan laughed a lot, and mostly Jim could tell that it was genuine, though sometimes it was not. It would take him a long time to get over Philip, tempestuous though their relationship had been. Once when Jim had asked about it, his friend had replied, I just love loving someone who’s so fucking alive!

Jenny finished a donut and went to take Holly upstairs to wash and dress. The two men waited in companionable silence for a couple of minutes-the sort of unpressured quiet that only good friends or lovers could ever maintain. Jonathan rested his elbows on the counter and kept his mug pressed to his lips, looking into the middle distance.

“Dude, nine inches?” Jim said. “Dude” was a word he only ever used when the subject was a little uncomfortable; it softened the blow.

Jonathan looked at him, mug still in front of his mouth. He raised an eyebrow. “Better believe it, dude.”

The two men laughed again, and when Jonathan left with Jenny and Holly, everyone seemed happy, looking forward to the day. Even Jim. He’d resolved to stay out of his studio, spending the time instead catching up on some reading, and if he drifted off to sleep, well… he’d welcome it.

He kissed his wife good-bye at the door while Jonathan strapped Holly into his BMW.

“Have fun,” Jim said as they hugged.

“Will do,” she said. They both squeezed a little bit harder.

“Love you.”

“Love you more,” Jim said. He watched her walking down their front path to the car, then closed the door, breathing in the silence.

When he awoke, the house felt empty. Not just silent or still, but empty. He sat up quickly, gasping as if startled awake by the phone or doorbell. But there were no echoes, and his phone was on the carpet beside the sofa. Christ, me and these fucking dreams!

Jim rubbed his eyes and looked around. The large living room seemed different, and he couldn’t quite place why. Something appeared to be missing, but recognizing things that had gone was not as easy as seeing things that shouldn’t be there. He frowned and shook his head, resting it in his hands for a few moments while he gathered his thoughts. He glanced at his watch-almost five p.m. Jenny and Holly had left with Jonathan over six hours ago; he’d had no idea that they would be gone so long.

Picking up the phone, he expected to see a text, but there was none. That was weird. Jenny usually kept in touch when she was out, especially when she was going to be home later than expected. They’d never lived in each other’s pockets. They both had space to spread out-he with his art, she with her teaching and wide circle of friends-but they both understood the limits of their relationship. If Jim expected her and Holly home at a certain time and they were going to be late…

He opened a new text and keyed in, Hi sexy, got an ETA? Then he scrolled down his contacts list, missing Jenny’s name, pressing the red button by mistake, and having to enter the list again. Damn it, he needed to get up, stir himself, have a strong coffee and a shower.

He smiled at the memory of that morning’s shower. Her deep sigh as she came, her leg hooked around his. The warmth as he soaped her down. Her look of surprise when she’d found him hard again so soon…

Her name wasn’t in his contacts list. That was weird. And then he frowned, because he couldn’t remember her mobile number. He’d never had to; whenever he called or texted her, the number was already entered in his phone.

“Fuck it.” He stood and stretched, and all the while his eyes were darting left and right and something felt wrong.

“Hello?” he called, because the silence was becoming oppressive. But no one replied. He hadn’t expected them to, because if they had come home earlier and found him asleep, Holly would have leapt on him, bouncing on his chest until he woke so that she could tell him about her day, the shops they’d visited, what she’d had for lunch, and the jokes Uncle Jonathan had told.

He began to stride from the room, blinked, then froze.

There was a picture missing from the wall beside the flat-screen TV. His and Jenny’s wedding photograph-unobtrusive, yet one of his favorite images of them together. They’d spent almost a thousand dollars on an official wedding photographer, but this snap had come from Jonathan’s camera, capturing more of their love and happiness than any amount of posing could ever find.

And now it was gone.

“Okay,” Jim said. “Okay.” He glanced around the room. The TV looked different-same size, same sleek black shape, but…

It was a different make.

“That’s just-”

Just before he’d fallen asleep, he’d noticed Marv the Moose sitting on the floor in front of the TV. Night, Marv, he’d said, smiling because it made him think of how Holly cuddled the thing the same way every single night, snug under her left arm with its face pointing up at hers. But now Marv had vanished as well.

“Okay,” he said again, then snapped his phone open again and scanned down for Jonathan’s number. He called, and as the ringing tone whispered in his ear he shoved aside his unsettling thoughts. He was still tired and confused from his afternoon sleep, his legs hadn’t woken properly yet, and maybe he’d dreamed something weird again-something that still impressed upon him without him being able to remember anything.

“Hey,” Jonathan said when he answered. “How’s it hangin’?”

“Less than nine inches,” Jim said.

“What?”

“Nothing. Are Jenny and Holly still with you?”

“Who?”

“Jenny. Holly. They must be still with you, because they didn’t take our car. I was just wondering when they’d be home.”

Jonathan was silent for a few seconds. Jim heard his agent breathing softly, and he listened for Holly’s conspiratorial giggle as she watched her uncle Jonathan playing a joke on Daddy.

“Say that again. What are you talking about?” Jonathan asked.

“Jenny and Holly. Where are they?”

“Who the hell are Jenny and Holly?”

“Jonathan, stop screwing around. I was going to get takeout tonight, and I need to know when they’re coming home so that-”

“Have you been drinking?” Jonathan asked.

“No.” Jim frowned, looking around for an empty glass or bottle. Have I? No, that was last night, because I always get horny the morning after a drink and… He remembered sex in the shower, and the taste of Jenny on his tongue.

“So who are Jenny and Holly? Did you have one of your weird dreams again?”

“Okay, that’s enough. I’m tired and cranky and-”

“ You’re cranky? The love of my life has left me, my liver’s about to call it quits, and you’re cranky?”

“Jonathan?”

“Yes, dude?”

“What are you doing?”

“Jim… this is just weird. I mean… you know what I’m going through here.” He fell silent again for another few seconds, his breathing not as light as before. “Jim, you’re not on drugs, are you?”

“No! You know I’ve never…” Jim closed his eyes and trailed off, rubbing at his head and trying to contain his anger. Then he opened his eyes again, looking at where their wedding photo had once hung.

“What’s happening?” Jim asked. “Where are they? Help me here, Jonathan.”

“Jim, I have no idea who you’re talking about. Jenny? olly?”

“ Holly! My daughter, Holly. And Jenny, my wife.”

“Riiight…,” Jonathan drawled. “Okay. Well, considering you’ve never been married-”

Jim snapped the cell phone shut. He’d seen something that thumped at his chest, something not there that he’d only just noticed, because things not there were so much harder to see. He closed his eyes and thought back. The photograph had been there forever. Mummy and Daddy got mallied, Holly would shout, and Jonathan never failed to comment on his superior photography, and how his talent was wasted as Boston’s most successful artistic agent.

He opened his eyes again and walked across the room to where the picture had been removed. There was no square mark where the paint on the wall behind it had faded over the years, no hook, no nail.

No hole.

It was as if the picture of him and his wife had never hung there at all.