The Serpent's Shadow

11. Don’t Worry, Be Hapi

TYPICAL.

Sadie and Walt go off looking for a friendly shadow, while Zia and I escort a psychotic murderous ghost to his heavily trapped stash of forbidden magic. Gee, who got the better end of that deal?

The Egyptian Queen burst out of the Underworld and into the Nile like a breaching whale. Its paddle wheel churned through the blue water. Its smokestacks billowed golden smoke into the desert air. After the gloom of the Duat, the sunlight was blinding. Once my eyes adjusted, I saw we were chugging downriver, heading north, so we must have surfaced somewhere to the south of Memphis.

On either side, marshy green riverbanks columned with palm trees stretched into the humid haze. A few houses dotted the landscape. A battered pickup truck rumbled down the riverfront road. A sailboat glided by on our port side. No one paid us any attention.

I wasn’t sure exactly where we were. It could’ve been anywhere along the Nile. But judging from the position of the sun, it was already late morning. We’d eaten and slept in my father’s realm, figuring we wouldn’t be able to close our eyes once we had custody of Setne. It hadn’t felt like much of a rest, but obviously we’d spent more time down under than I realized. The day was slipping by. Tomorrow at dawn, the rebels would attack the First Nome, and Apophis would rise.

Zia stood next to me at the bow. She’d showered and changed into a spare set of combat clothes—a camo tank top, olive cargo pants tucked into her boots. Maybe that doesn’t sound glamorous, but in the morning sunlight she was beautiful. Best of all, she was here in person—not a reflection in the scrying bowl, not a shabti. When the wind changed directions I caught the scent of her lemon shampoo. Our forearms touched as we leaned against the rail, but she didn’t seem to mind. Her skin was feverishly warm.

“What are you thinking?” I asked.

She had trouble focusing on me. Up close, the flecks of green and black in her amber eyes were sort of hypnotizing. “I was thinking about Ra,” she said. “Wondering who’s taking care of him today.”

“I’m sure he’s fine.”

But I felt a little disappointed. Personally, I was thinking about the moment when Zia had taken my hand in the dining room last night: Sometimes you have to follow your heart. This might be our last day on earth. If it was, I should really tell Zia how I felt about her. I mean, I thought she knew, but I didn’t know that she knew, so…Oh, man. Headache.

I started to say, “Zia—”

Setne materialized next to us. “All better!”

In the daylight, he looked almost like flesh-and-blood, but when he turned in a circle, showing off his new clothes, his face and hands flickered holographically. I’d given him permission to put on something besides the loincloth. In fact, I’d insisted. But I hadn’t expected an outfit so mind-boggling.

Maybe he was trying to live up to Sadie’s nickname for him: Uncle Vinnie. He wore a black suit jacket with padded shoulders, a red T-shirt, a crisp pair of jeans, and blindingly white running shoes. Around his neck was a heavy gold chain of interlocking ankhs. On each pinky he wore a ring the size of a jawbreaker, with the symbol of power—was—set in diamonds. His hair was combed back with even more grease. His eyes were lined with kohl. He looked like the Ancient Egyptian Mafia.

Then I noticed something missing from his ensemble. He didn’t seem to be wearing the Ribbons of Hathor.

I’ll admit: I panicked. I yelled the command word Zia had taught me: “Tas!”

The symbol for Bind flared in Setne’s face:

The Ribbons of Hathor reappeared around his neck, wrists, ankles, chest, and waist. They expanded aggressively, cocooning Setne in a pink tornado until he was wrapped tight as a mummy, with nothing showing but his eyes.

“Mm!” he protested.

I took a deep breath. Then I snapped my fingers. The bindings shrank back to their normal size.

“What was that for?” Setne demanded.

“I didn’t see the ribbons.”

“You didn’t…” Setne laughed. “Carter, Carter, Carter. Come on, pal. That’s just an illusion—a cosmetic change. I can’t really get out of these things.”

He held out his wrists. The ribbons vanished, then reappeared. “See? I’m just concealing them, ’cause pink doesn’t go with my outfit.”

Zia snorted. “Nothing goes with that outfit.”

Setne shot her an irritated look. “No need to get personal, doll. Just relax, okay? You saw what happens—one word from you, and I’m tied up good. No problems.”

His tone sounded so reasonable. Setne was no problem. Setne would cooperate. I could just relax.

In the back of my mind, the voice of Horus said, Careful.

I raised my mental guard. Suddenly I was aware of hieroglyphs floating in the air around me—half-visible wisps of smoke. I willed them to disappear, and they fizzled like gnats in a bug zapper. “Stop it with the magic words, Setne. I’ll relax when our business is done and you’re back in my dad’s custody. Now, where are we going?”

A moment of surprise passed over Setne’s face. He hid it with a smile. “Sure, no problem. Glad to see that path of the gods magic is working out for you. How you doing in there, Horus?”

Zia snarled impatiently. “Just answer the question, you maggot, before I burn that smile off your face.”

She thrust out her hand. Flames wreathed her fingers.

“Zia, whoa,” I said.

I’d seen her get angry before, but the burn-your-smile-off tactic seemed a little harsh even for her.

Setne didn’t seem concerned. From his jacket, he pulled a strange white comb—were those human finger bones?—and brushed his greasy hair.

“Poor Zia,” he said. “The old man is getting to you, isn’t he? Having any trouble with, ah, temperature control yet? I’ve seen a few people in your situation spontaneously combust. Not pretty.”

His words obviously rattled Zia. Her eyes seethed with loathing, but she closed her fist and extinguished the flames. “You vile, despicable—”

“Take it easy, doll,” Setne said. “I’m just expressing concern. As for where we’re going—south of Cairo, the ruins of Memphis.”

I wondered what he’d meant about Zia. I decided this wasn’t the time to ask. I didn’t want Zia’s flaming fingers in my face.

I tried to recall what I knew about Memphis. I remembered it was one of the old capitals of Egypt, but it had been destroyed centuries ago. Most of the ruins were buried under modern Cairo. Some were scattered in the desert to the south. My dad had probably taken me to excavation sites in that area once or twice, but I didn’t have any clear recollection. After a few years, all the dig sites sort of blended together.

“Where exactly?” I demanded. “Memphis was a big place.”

Setne wiggled his eyebrows. “You got that right. Man, the times I used to have in Gamblers’ Alley…but never mind. The less you know, pal, the better. We don’t want our snaky Chaos friend gleaning information from your mind, do we? Speaking of which, it’s a miracle he hasn’t already seen your plans and sent some nasty monster to stop you. You seriously need to work on your mental defenses. Reading your mind is way too easy. As for your girlfriend here…”

He leaned toward me with a grin. “Would you like to know what she’s thinking?”

Zia understood the Ribbons of Hathor better than I did. Instantly, the band around Setne’s neck tightened and became a lovely pink collar with a leash. Setne gagged and clawed at his throat. Zia grabbed the other end of the lead.

“Setne, you are I are going to the wheelhouse,” she announced. “You will give the captain exact information about where we’re going, or you’ll never breathe again. Understood?”

She didn’t wait for a response. He couldn’t have given one anyway. She dragged him across the deck and up the stairs like a very bad dog.

As soon as they’d disappeared into the pilot’s house, someone next to me chuckled. “Remind me not to get on her bad side.”

Horus’s instincts kicked in. Before I knew what was happening, I’d summoned my khopesh from the Duat and was resting the curved edge against my visitor’s throat.

“Really?” said the god of Chaos. “This is how you greet an old friend?”

Set leaned casually against the rail in a black three-piece suit and a matching porkpie hat. The outfit was striking against his bloodred skin. The last time I’d seen him, he’d been bald. Now he had braided cornrows decorated with rubies. His black eyes glittered behind small round glasses. With a chill, I realized he was impersonating Amos.

“Stop that.” I pressed my blade against his throat. “Stop mocking my uncle!”

Set looked offended. “Mocking? My dear boy, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery! Now, please, can we talk like civilized semi-divine beings?”

With one finger he pushed the khopesh away from his neck. I lowered my blade. Now that I was over my initial shock, I had to admit I was curious about what he wanted.

“Why are you here?” I demanded.

“Oh, pick a reason. The world ends tomorrow. Perhaps I wanted to say good-bye.” He grinned and waved. “Bye! Or perhaps I wanted to explain. Or give you a warning.”

I glanced toward the wheelhouse. I couldn’t see Zia. No alarm bells were ringing. No one else seemed to have noticed that the god of evil had just materialized on our boat.

Set followed my gaze. “How about that Setne, huh? I love that guy.”

“You would,” I muttered. “Was he named after you?”

“Nah. Setne is just his nickname. His real name is Khaemwaset, so you can see why he likes Setne better. I hope he doesn’t kill you right away. He’s a lot of fun…until he kills you.”

“Is that what you wanted to explain?”

Set adjusted his glasses. “No, no. It’s the thing with Amos. You’ve got the wrong idea.”

“You mean that you possessed him and tried to destroy him?” I asked. “That you almost shattered his mind? And that now you want to do it again?”

“The first two—true. The last one—no. Amos called me, kid. You gotta understand, I could never have invaded his mind in the first place if he didn’t share some of my qualities. He understands me.”

I clenched my sword. “I understand you, too. You’re evil.”

Set laughed. “You figure that out all by yourself? The god of evil is evil? Sure I am, but not pure evil. Not pure Chaos, either. After I spent some time in Amos’s head, he understood. I’m like that improvisational jazz he loves—chaos within order. That’s our connection. And I’m still a god, Carter. I’m…what do you call it? The loyal opposition.”

“Loyal. Yeah, right.”

Set gave me a sly smile. “Okay, I want to rule the world. Destroy anyone who gets in my way? Of course. But that snake Apophis—he takes things too far. He wants to pull the whole of creation down into a big soupy primordial mess. Where’s the fun in that? If it comes down to Ra or Apophis, I fight on Ra’s side. That’s why Amos and I have a deal. He’s learning the path of Set. I’m going to help him.”

My arms trembled. I wanted to cut Set’s head off, but I wasn’t sure I had the strength. I also wasn’t sure it would hurt him. I knew from Horus that gods tended to laugh off simple injuries like decapitation.

“You expect me to believe you’ll cooperate with Amos?” I asked. “Without trying to overpower him?”

“Sure, I’ll try. But you should have more faith in your uncle. He’s stronger than you think. Who do you think sent me here to explain?”

An electric charge went through my body. I wanted to believe Amos had everything under control, but this was Set talking. He did remind me a lot of the ghost magician Setne—and that wasn’t a good thing.

“You’ve done your explaining,” I said. “Now you can leave.”

Set shrugged. “Okay, but it does seem like there was one more thing…” He tapped his chin. “Oh, right. The warning.”

“The warning?” I repeated.

“Because usually when Horus and I fight, it would be me who was responsible for what’s about to kill you. But this time, it’s not. I thought you should know. Apophis is so copying my moves, but like I said…” He took off his porkpie hat and bowed, the rubies glittering in his cornrows. “Imitation is flattery.”

“What are you—?”

The riverboat lurched and groaned as if we’d hit a sandbar. Up in the wheelhouse, the alarm bell dinged. The glowing crew orbs zipped around the deck in a panic.

“What’s happening?” I grabbed the rail.

“Oh, that’d be the giant hippo,” Set said casually. “Good luck!”

He disappeared in a cloud of red smoke as a monstrous shape rose from the Nile.

You might not think a hippo could inspire terror. Screaming “Hippo!” doesn’t have the same impact as screaming “Shark!” But I’m telling you—as the Egyptian Queen careened to one side, its paddle wheel lifting completely out of the water, and I saw that monster emerge from the deep, I nearly discovered the hieroglyphs for accident in my pants.

The creature was easily as big as our riverboat. Its skin glistened purple and gray. As it rose near the bow, it fixed its eyes on me with unmistakable malice and opened a maw the size of an airplane hangar. Its bottom peglike teeth were taller than me. Looking down the creature’s throat, I felt like I was seeing a bright pink tunnel straight to the Underworld. The monster could have eaten me right there, along with the front half of the boat. I would have been too paralyzed to react.

Instead, the hippo bellowed. Imagine someone revving a dirt bike, then blowing a trumpet. Now imagine those sounds amplified twenty times, coming at you in a blast of breath that smells of rotten fish and pond scum. That’s what a giant hippo’s war cry is like.

Somewhere behind me, Zia yelled, “Hippo!” Which I thought was a little late.

She stumbled toward me over the rocking deck, the tip of her staff on fire. Our ghostly pal Setne floated behind her, grinning with delight.

“There it is!” Setne shook his diamond pinky rings. “Told ya Apophis would send a monster to kill you.”

“You’re so smart!” I shouted. “Now, how do we stop it?”

“BRRRAAHHHHH!” The hippo shoved its face against the Egyptian Queen. I tumbled backward and slammed against the deckhouse.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Zia blast a column of fire at the creature’s face. The flames went straight up its left nostril, which just made the hippo mad. It snorted smoke and bashed the ship harder, catapulting Zia into the river.

“No!” I staggered to my feet. I tried to summon the avatar of Horus, but my head was throbbing. My focus was shot.

“Want some advice?” Setne wafted next to me, unaffected by the rocking of the ship. “I could give you a spell to use.”

His evil smile didn’t exactly fill me with confidence.

“Just stay put!” I pointed at his hands and yelled, “Tas!”

The Ribbons of Hathor tied his wrists together.

“Oh, come on!” he complained. “How am I supposed to comb my hair like this?”

The hippo peered at me over the rail—its eye like a greasy black dinner plate. Up in the wheelhouse, Bloodstained Blade rang the alarm bell and shouted at the crew, “Hard to port! Hard to port!”

Somewhere over the side, I heard Zia choking and splashing, which at least meant she was alive, but I had to keep the hippo away from her and give the Egyptian Queen time to disengage. I grabbed my sword, charged up the tilting deck, and leaped straight onto the monster’s head.

My first discovery: hippos are slippery. I scrambled for a handhold—not easy while wielding a sword—and almost slid off the other side of the hippo’s head before I hooked my free arm around its ear.

The hippo roared and shook me like a dangle earring. I caught a glimpse of a fishing boat sailing calmly by as if nothing were wrong. The crew orbs of the Egyptian Queen zipped around a large crack in the stern. Just for a moment, I saw Zia floundering in the water, about twenty yards downstream. Then her head went under. I summoned all my strength and drove my sword into the hippo’s ear.

“BRRRAAHHHHH!” The monster thrashed its head. I lost my grip and went sailing across the river like a three-point shot.

I would’ve hit the water hard, but at the last second I changed into a falcon.

I know…that sounds crazy. Oh, by the way, I just happened to change into a falcon. But it was fairly easy magic for me, since the falcon was Horus’s sacred animal. Suddenly, instead of falling, I was soaring over the Nile. My vision was so sharp I could see field mice in the marshes. I could see Zia struggling in the water, as well as every bristle on the hippo’s massive snout.

I dove at the monster’s eye, raking it with my claws. Unfortunately it was heavily lidded and covered with some kind of membrane. The hippo blinked and bellowed in annoyance, but I could tell that I hadn’t done any real damage.

The monster snapped at me. I was much too fast. I flew to the ship and perched on the wheelhouse roof, trying to catch my breath. The Egyptian Queen had managed to turn. It was slowly putting distance between itself and the monster, but the hull had taken serious damage. Smoke billowed from the cracks in the stern. We were listing to starboard, and Bloodstained Blade kept ringing his alarm bell, which was really annoying.

Zia was working to stay afloat, but she’d drifted farther downstream from the hippo and didn’t seem to be in immediate danger. She tried to summon fire—which isn’t easy to do when you’re floundering in a river.

The hippo lumbered back and forth, apparently looking for the pesky bird that had poked it in the eye. The monster’s ear was still bleeding, though my sword was no longer there—maybe at the bottom of the river somewhere. Finally the hippo turned its attention to the ship.

Setne materialized next to me. His arms were still tied, but he looked like he was enjoying himself. “You ready for that advice now, pal? I can’t cast the spell myself ’cause I’m dead and all, but I can tell you what to say.”

The hippo charged. It was less than fifty yards away, closing fast. If it hit the ship at that speed, the Egyptian Queen would break into kindling.

Time seemed to slow down. I tried to gather my focus. Emotions are bad for magic, and I was completely panicked; but I knew I’d only get one shot at this. I spread my wings and flew straight at the hippo. Halfway there, I transformed back into a human, dropped like a stone, and summoned the avatar of Horus.

If it hadn’t worked, I would’ve ended my life as an insignificant grease spot on the chest of a charging hippo.

Thankfully, the blue aura flickered around me. I landed in the river encased in the glowing body of a twenty-foot-tall hawk-headed warrior. Compared to the hippo, I was still tiny, but I got its attention when I drove my fist into its snout.

That worked really well for about two seconds. The monster forgot all about the ship. I sidestepped and made it turn toward me, but I was way too slow. Wading through the river in avatar form was about as easy as running through a room full of bouncy balls.

The monster lunged. It twisted its head and clamped its mouth around my waist. I staggered, trying to break free, but its jaws were like a vise grip. Its teeth sank into the magical shielding. I didn’t have my sword. All I could do was pummel its head with my glowing blue fists, but my power was fading rapidly.

“Carter!” Zia screamed.

I had maybe ten seconds to live. Then the avatar would collapse, and I’d be swallowed or bitten in half.

“Setne!” I yelled. “What’s that spell?”

“Oh, now you want the spell,” Setne called from the ship. “Repeat after me: Hapi, u-ha ey pwah.”

I didn’t know what that meant. Setne might’ve been tricking me into self-destructing or transforming into a chunk of Swiss cheese. But I was out of options. I shouted: “Hapi, u-ha ey pwah!”

Blue hieroglyphs—brighter than I’d ever summoned—blazed above the hippo’s head:

Seeing them written out, I suddenly understood their meaning: Hapi, arise and attack. But what did that mean?

At least they distracted the hippo. It let go of me and snapped at the hieroglyphs. My avatar failed. I plunged into the water, my magic exhausted, my defenses gone—just tiny little Carter Kane in the shadow of a sixteen-ton hippo.

The monster swallowed the hieroglyphs and snorted. It shook its head as if it had just gulped down a chili pepper.

Great, I thought. Setne’s awesome magic summoned an appetizer for the devil hippo.

Then, from the boat, Setne yelled, “Wait for it! Three, two, one…”

The Nile boiled around me. A huge mass of brown seaweed erupted beneath me and lifted me skyward. Instinctively I held on, slowly realizing that the seaweed wasn’t seaweed. It was hair on top of a colossal head. The giant man rose from the Nile, higher and higher, until the hippo looked almost cute in comparison. I couldn’t tell much about the giant from the top of his head, but his skin was darker blue than my father’s. He had shaggy brown hair full of river muck. His belly was hugely swollen, and he seemed to be wearing nothing but a loincloth made of fish scales.

“BRRRAAHHHHH!” The hippo lunged, but the blue giant grabbed its bottom teeth and stopped it cold. The force of the impact nearly shook me off his head.

“Yay!” the blue giant bellowed. “Hippo toss! I love this game!” He swung his arms in a golf swing motion and launched the monster out of the water.

Few things are stranger than watching a giant hippo fly. It careened wildly, kicking its stubby legs as it sailed over the marshlands. Finally it crashed into a limestone cliff in the distance, causing a minor avalanche. Boulders collapsed on top of the hippo. When the dust settled, there was no sign of the monster. Cars kept driving down the river road. Fishing boats went about their business, as if blue giants fighting hippos was nothing remarkable on this stretch of the Nile.

“Fun!” the blue giant cheered. “Now, who summoned me?”

“Up here!” I yelled.

The giant froze. He carefully patted his scalp until he found me. Then he picked me up with two fingers, waded over to the riverbank, and gently set me down.

He pointed to Zia, who was struggling to reach the shore, and the Egyptian Queen, which was drifting downstream, listing and smoking from the stern. “Are those friends of yours?”

“Yes,” I said. “Could you help them?”

The giant grinned. “Be right back!”

A few minutes later the Egyptian Queen was safely moored. Zia sat next to me on the shore, wringing Nile water out of her hair.

Setne hovered next to us, looking quite smug, even though his arms were still tied. “So maybe next time you’ll trust me, Carter Kane!” He nodded at the giant, who loomed over us, still grinning like he was really excited to be here. “May I present my old friend Hapi!”

The blue giant waved at us. “Hi!”

His eyes were completely dilated. His teeth were brilliant white. A mass of stringy brown hair fell around his shoulders, and his skin rippled in different shades of watery blue. His belly was much too big for his body. It sagged over his fish-scale skirt like he was either pregnant or had swallowed a blimp. He was, without a doubt, the tallest, fattest, bluest, most cheerful hippie giant I had ever met.

I tried to place his name, but I couldn’t.

“Hapi?” I asked.

“Why, yes, I am happy!” Hapi beamed. “I’m always happy because I’m Hapi! Are you happy?”

I glanced at Setne, who seemed to find this terribly amusing.

“Hapi is the god of the Nile,” the ghost explained. “Along with his other duties, Hapi is the provider of bountiful harvests and all good things, and so he is always—”

“Happy,” I guessed.

Zia frowned up at the giant. “Does he have to be so big?”

The god laughed. Immediately he shrank down to human size, though the crazy cheerful look on his face was still pretty unnerving.

“So!” Hapi rubbed his hands with anticipation. “Anything else I can do for you kids? It’s been centuries since anybody summoned me. Since they built that stupid Aswan Dam, the Nile doesn’t flood every year like it used to. Nobody depends on me anymore. I could kill those mortals!”

He said this with a smile, as if he’d suggested bringing the mortals some home-baked cookies.

I did some quick thinking. It’s not often a god offers to do you favors—even if that god is psychotically over-caffeinated. “Actually, yes,” I said. “See, Setne suggested I summon you to deal with the hippo, but—”

“Oh, Setne!” Hapi chuckled and pushed the ghost playfully. “I hate this guy. Absolutely despise him! He’s the only magician who ever learned my secret name. Ha!”

Setne shrugged. “It was nothing, really. And I gotta say, you came in handy many times back in the old days.”

“Ha, ha!” Hapi’s smile became painfully wide. “I’d love to rip off your arms and legs, Setne. That would be amazing!”

Setne’s expression remained calm, but he drifted a little farther away from the smiling god.

“Um, anyway,” I said. “We’re on a quest. We need to find this magic book to defeat Apophis. Setne was leading us to the ruins of Memphis, but now our boat is busted. Do you think—?”

“Oh!” Hapi clapped excitedly. “The world is going to end tomorrow. I forgot!”

Zia and I exchanged looks.

“Right…” I said. “So, if Setne told you exactly where we were going, could you take us there? And, um, if he won’t tell you, then you could rip his limbs off. That would be fine.”

“Yay!” Hapi cried.

Setne gave me a murderous look. “Yeah, sure. We’re going to the serapeum—the temple of the Apis Bull.”

Hapi smacked his knee. “I should have figured! Brilliant place to hide something. That’s pretty far inland, but sure, I can send you there if you want. And just so you know, Apophis has demons scouring the riverbanks. You’d never get to Memphis without my help. You’d get torn into a million pieces!”

He seemed genuinely pleased to share that news.

Zia cleared her throat. “Okay, then. We’d love your help.”

I turned toward the Egyptian Queen, where Bloodstained Blade stood at the railing, awaiting further orders. “Captain,” I called, “wait here and continue repairing the ship. We’ll—”

“Oh, the ship can go too!” Hapi interrupted. “That’s no problem.”

I frowned. I wasn’t sure how the river god was going to move the ship, especially since he’d told us Memphis was inland, but I decided not to ask.

“Belay that order,” I called to the captain. “The ship is coming with us. Once we reach Memphis, you’ll continue repairs and await further orders.”

The captain hesitated. Then he bowed his ax-blade head. “I obey, my lord.”

“Great!” Hapi said.

He held out his palm, which contained two slimy black orbs like fish eggs. “Swallow these. One each.”

Zia wrinkled her nose. “What are they?”

“They’ll take you where you want to go!” the god promised. “They’re Hapi pills.”

I blinked. “What now?”

The ghost Setne cleared his throat. He looked like he was trying not to laugh. “Yeah, you know. Hapi invented them. So that’s what they’re called.”

“Just eat them!” Hapi said. “You’ll see.”

Reluctantly, Zia and I took the pills. They tasted even worse than they looked. Instantly, I felt dizzy. The world shimmered like water.

“It was nice to meet you!” Hapi cried, his voice turning murky and distant. “You do realize you’re walking into a trap, don’t you? Okay! Good luck!”

With that, my vision went blue, and my body melted into liquid.