The Science of Discworld I

23. NO POSSIBILITY OF LIFE

IT WAS DIFFICULT EATING SANDWICHES that you couldn't see. Rincewind was aware that back in the real world the Librarian was handing them to him, and he had to take it on trust that they were going to be cheese and chutney. As it turned out, he detected a hint of banana, too.

The wizards were shocked. It's terrible to find that you can't do what you like with your own universe.

'So we can't just magic life into the Project?' said the Dean.

Tin afraid not, sir,' said Ponder. 'We have quite a lot of control over things, but only in a very subtle way. I have gone into this'

'I don't call moving huge worlds very subtle,' said the Dean.

'In Project terms, even moving the moon into place took a hun­dred thousand years,' said Ponder. 'Time prefers to move faster in there. It's amazing what you can move if you give it a little push for that long.'

'But we've done so many things...'

'Just moved things around, sir.'

'Seems a shame to have made a world and there's no one to live on it,' said the Senior Wrangler.

'When I was small, I had a model farmyard,' said the Bursar, looking up from his reading.

'Thank you, Bursar. Very interesting,' said the Archchancellor. 'All right, let's play by the rules. What do you have to move around to get people?'

'Well ... bits of other people, my father told me,' said the Dean.

'Bad taste there, Dean.'

'Many religions start with dust,' said the Senior Wrangler. 'And then you bring it alive in some way.'

'That's pretty hard even with magic,' said the Archchancellor. 'And we can't use magic.'

'Up in Nothingfjord they believe that all life was created when the god Noddi cut off his ... unmentionables and hurled them at the sun, who was his father,' said the Senior Wrangler.

'What, you mean his ... underwear?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, who could be a bit slow.

'First of all we can't physically exist inside the Project, secondly that sort of thing is unhygienic, and thirdly I doubt very much if you'll find a volunteer,' said the Archchancellor sharply. 'Anyway, we're men of magic. That is superstition.'

'Can we make weather, then?' said the Dean.

'I think HEX can let us do that,' said Ponder. 'Weather is only pushing stuff around.'

'So we can aim lightning at anyone we don't like?'

'But there isn't anyone on the world, whether we like them or not,' said Ponder wearily. 'That's the point.'

'And while the Dean can make enemies anywhere, I think that, ah, Roundworldwould test even his powers,' said Ridcully.

'Thank you, Archchancellor'

'Happy to oblige, Dean.'

HEX's keyboard clattered. The quill pen began to write.

It began:

+++ I Don't Think You Are Going To Believe This +++

Thunderstorms tore the air apart, far out to sea.

The air blinked. The storm was gone. The shoreline looked dif­ferent.

'Hey, what happened?' said Rincewind.

'Everything all right?' said Ponder Stibbons in his ear.

'What happened just then?'

'We've moved you forward in time a little,' said Ponder The tone of his voice suggested that he dreaded being asked why.

'Why?' said Rincewind.

'You'll laugh when I tell you this ...'

'Oh, good. I like a laugh.'

'HEX says he's detecting life all round you. Can you see any­thing?'

Rincewind looked around warily. The sea was sucking at the shore, which had a bit of sand on it now. Scum rolled in the waves.

'No,' he said.

'Good. You see, there can't be any life where you are,' Ponder went on.

'Where am I exactly?'

'Er ... a sort of magical world with no one in it but yourself'

'Oh, you mean the sort everyone lives in,' said Rincewind bit­terly. He glanced at the sea again, just in case.

'But if you wouldn't mind having a look ...' Ponder went on.

'For this life that can't possibly exist?'

'Well, you are the Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography.'

'It's the cruel and unusual geography that's bothering me,' said Rincewind. 'Incidentally, have you looked at the sea lately? It's blue.'

'Well? The sea is blue.'

'Really?'

The omniscope was once again the centre of attention.

'Everyone knows the sea is blue,' said the Dean. 'Ask anyone.'

'That's right,' said Ridcully. 'However, while everyone knows the sea is blue, what everyone usually sees is a sea that's grey or dark green. Not this colour. This is virulent!'

'I'd say turquoise,' said the Senior Wrangler.

'I used to have a shirt that colour,' said the Bursar.

'I thought it might be copper salts in the water,' said Ponder Stibbons. 'But it isn't.'

The Archchancellor picked up HEX's latest write-out. It read:

+++ Out Of Cheese Error +++

'Not helpful,' he muttered.

'Thank goodness he's still operating the Project,' said Ponder, joining him. 'I think he's got confused.'

'It's not his job to be confused,' said Ridcully. 'We don't need a machine for being confused. We're entirely capable of confusin'

ourselves. It is a human achievement, confusion, and right at this minute I feel I am winning a prize. You, Mister Stibbons, said there was no possibility of life turnin' up inside the Project.'

Ponder waved his hands frantically. 'There's no way that it can! Life isn't like rocks and water. Life is special!'

The breath of gods, that sort of thing?' said Ridcully.

'Not gods as such, obviously, but...'

'I suppose from the point of view of rocks, rocks are special,' said Ridcully, still reading HEX's output.

'No, sir. Rocks don't have a point of view.'

Rincewind lifted up a shard of rock, very carefully, ready to drop it immediately at the merest suggestion of tooth or claw.

'This is silly,' he said. 'There's nothing here.'

'Nothing?' said Ponder, inside the helmet.

'Some of the rocks have got all kind of yuk on them, if that's your idea of a good time.'

'Yuk?'

'You know ... gunge.'

'HEX seems to be suggesting now that whatever is showing up is, and is not, life,' said Ponder, a man whose interest in slime was lim­ited.

'That's very cheering.'

'There seems to be a particular concentration not far from you ... we're just going to move you so that you can have a look at it...'

Rincewind's head swam. A moment later, the rest of his body wanted to join it. He was underwater.

'Don't worry,' said Ponder, 'because although you're at a very great depth, the pressure can't possibly hurt you.'

'Good.'

'And the boiling water should feel merely tepid.'

'Fine.'

'And the terrible upflow of poisonous minerals can't harm you because of course you're not really there.'

'So, all in all, I'm laughing,' said Rincewind gloomily, peering at the dim glow ahead of him.

'It's gods, definitely,' said the Archchancellor. 'Gods have turned up while our back was turned. There can be no other explanation.'

'Then they seem rather unambitious,' sniffed the Senior Wrangler. 'I mean, you'd expect humans, wouldn't you? Not ... blobs you can't see. They're not going to bow down and worship anyone, are they?'

'Not where they are,' said Ridcully. 'The planet's full of cracks! You shouldn't get fire under water. That's against nature!'

'Everywhere you look, little blobs,' said the Senior Wrangler. 'Everywhere.'

'Blobs,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'Can they pray? Can they build temples? Can they wage holy war on less enlightened blobs?'

Ponder shook his head sadly. hex's results were quite clear. Nothing solid could cross the barrier into Roundworld. It was pos­sible, with enough thaumic effort, to exert tiny pressures, but that was all. Of course, you could speculate that thought might get in there, but if that was the case the wizards were thinking some very dull thoughts indeed. 'Blobs' wasn't really a good word for what were currently floating in the warm seas and dribbling over the rocks. It had far too many overtones of feverish gaiety and excite­ment.

'They're not even moving,' said Ridcully. 'Just bobbing about.'

'Blobbing about, haha,' said the Senior Wrangler.

'Could we ... help them in some way?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'You know ... to become better blobs? I fear we have some responsibility.'

'They may be as good as blobs get,' said Ridcully. 'What's up with that Rincewind fellow?'

They turned. In its circle of smoke, the suited figure was mak­ing frantic running motions.

'Do you think, on reflection, that it might not have good idea to miniaturize his image in Roundworld?' said Ridcully.

'It was the only way we could get him into that little rock pool HEX wanted us to look at, sir,' said Ponder. 'He doesn't have to be any particular size. Size is relative.'

'Is that why he keeps calling out for his mother?'

Ponder went over to the circle and rubbed out a few important runes. Rincewind collapsed on the floor.

'What idiot put me in there? he said. 'Ye gods, it's awful! The size of some of those things!'

'They're actually tiny,' said Ponder, helping him up.

'Not when you are smaller than them!'

'My dear chap, they can't possibly hurt you. You have nothing to fear but fear itself'

'Oh, is that so? What help is that? You think that makes it better? Well, let me tell you, some of that fear can be pretty big and nasty...'

'Calm down, calm down?'

'Next time I want to be big, understand?'

'Did they try to communicate with you in any way?'

'They just flailed away with great big whiskers! It was worse than watching wizards arguing!'

'Yes, I doubt if they are very intelligent.'

'Well, nor are the rock pool creatures.'

Tin just wondering,' said Ponder, wishing he had a beard to stroke thoughtfully, 'if perhaps they might ... improve with keep­ing ...'