The Ninth circle

16th October

From the snatches of conversation I have had with Casey over the past week, I’ve learned that she moved to Hungary from America when she was twelve. She claims that she and her brother stayed behind when her parents moved back to America, but I’m not sure that I believe this. What parents would emigrate leaving their children behind? I suspect her parents disowned her when they found out she was pregnant, and perhaps she ran away, taking the brother with her. It’s clear that she dotes on him.

From what I’ve gathered, she has several different jobs, both at night and during the day. I said one day that if she ever needed something to tide her over she could come to me, but she didn’t look very happy so I quickly backed off. Did she think… did she actually think that I was suggesting something improper? I was only trying to be kind, but we have to be suspicious of kindness now, don’t we?

Sex complicates everything. I can’t help thinking that there must be an easier way for the human race to continue, generation by generation. Children can be friends with other children of the opposite gender without it mattering at all. Perhaps, to put Casey at ease, I should lie and tell her I’m a eunuch. But I don’t think that would be a very easy thing to slip into a casual conversation. It’s not the kind of thing that normal people just come out and say, is it? Oh, by the way, have I mentioned before that I’m a eunuch? Because I am, you know…

I’ve seen Stephomi a couple of times this week, but I didn’t enjoy meeting him as much as usual. It was my fault, for I persisted in asking him questions and didn’t much like the answers he gave. This battle… this War, or whatever it is, troubles me greatly; yet Stephomi seems to be almost indifferent to it. Another habit of his which upsets me is his tendency to refer to angels and demons alike as angels, maintaining that demons are simply fallen angels who have lost favour with God. But there should be rules, there should be boundaries. There should be distinct, separate groups. Otherwise the labels become meaningless… angel, demon, human… different words for the exact same thing…

‘I don’t know why you get so upset about it, Gabriel. Why does it matter if we’re all the same? What’s so awful about the idea that demons can sometimes do the right thing and angels can be narrow-minded selfish little shits?’

‘Shut up!’ I said sharply, unable to stop myself from flinching at his words. ‘For God’s sake, listen to yourself! Do you know what goes on in Hell? Do you know what the demons do to people down there?’

I decided it was my duty to enlighten him so I proceeded to explain the tortures of each Circle one by one; but when I got to the Seventh Circle and the centaurs that guarded the rim of the lake of hot blood, shooting any souls who attempted to rise, Stephomi appalled me by throwing back his head and laughing at what I’d said. Really laughing! I stared at him, speechless.

‘I’m sorry, Gabriel…’ he said, trying and failing to stifle his laughter. ‘It just sounds like such fun.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Do you think the centaurs keep track of their scores? You know, like target practice. Perhaps on a really good day they even hold tournaments?’

I’d heard enough by this point so I threw up my hands and stood up, intending to leave. But Stephomi caught my arm as I walked by, and when I glared down at him, he was looking at me in an odd way, this strange smile twisting his lips. ‘Do you know what I think would do you good, Gabriel?’ he asked. ‘I think you should reacquaint yourself with Lilith’s story. Look me in the eye and tell me that angels are perfect beings and devils are nothing but monsters after that.’

‘Lilith?’ I repeated with a frown.

‘Adam’s first wife.’

‘There’s no truth to that legend,’ I said dismissively.

‘What makes you say so?’

‘There is no mention of her in Genesis.’

‘Ah. Perhaps, after all, there are some elements of our history that God would rather not have recorded?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ I snapped.

Stephomi sighed as he released my arm. ‘Lately I seem to offend you whenever we see each other, Gabriel. I’m sorry about that. But take my word for it — Adam did have another wife before Eve. She does exist. And her name is Lilith.’

I felt a little guilty after that, for I realised I’d been blaming Stephomi for a situation that was not his doing. He’s just a messenger in all this… I have decided that Stephomi’s occasional outbursts — like this issue over the Seventh Circle — are nothing but a defence mechanism. He is scared too, but he does not wish to show his fear to me. So he covers it with highly inappropriate jokes. But I forgive him, for he cannot help it. I did some reading on the theories of Freud and Jung and I realise now that his behaviour is not his fault. He is a textbook example of a man who cannot cope with his fear; cannot meet it head on, as I can.

At Stephomi’s suggestion, I returned home and read of Lilith’s story. I think I might have been vaguely familiar with the myth before I lost my memory, but I’m sure that I didn’t know the story in detail. Maybe I never bothered to look into it in any great depth because the Bible certainly doesn’t acknowledge that Adam ever had a wife before Eve, and Genesis makes it quite clear that Adam and Eve were the first humans to be created.

Lilith’s story is a dark, twisted, vulgar tale. I find the whole thing most distasteful and don’t wish to believe in its authenticity. The Bible should be the last word on all such things. But Stephomi’s words have been ringing in my ears… She does exist. And her name is Lilith. And after all, he should know, shouldn’t he? He who openly admits to having assisted demons when they’ve asked him to. For the legend goes that Lilith became a demon after rejecting Adam and leaving the Garden of Eden — an idea that clearly parallels Lucifer’s rejection of God and flight from Heaven.

In the beginning, Adam was the only human within the Garden of Eden. After some time he tired of coupling with animals and asked God if he might have a female companion of his own. And God sent Lilith, and she and Adam were married that very day. How very nice. But then Lilith refused to take up the subservient position for Adam at his demand during sexual intercourse… Yes, how very awful of her. So, naturally, Adam responded by trying to rape his wife.

But Lilith managed to throw her husband off and ran from Paradise, making her home instead in a cave by the Red Sea where she entertained hordes of demons, finding them kinder and gentler lovers than her estranged husband. She proceeded to bear hundreds of demon babies that went on to plague mankind for centuries before Satan’s fall from grace. The story reminds me of the tale of the angelic Watchers, procreating with mortal women who gave birth to a race of giants, thereby bringing a terrible Apocalypse upon the world.

God was incensed by the First Woman’s behaviour. How dare she be such a disobedient wife and refuse to submit to rape? The horror of it! Three angels named Sanvi, Sansanvi and Semangelaf were sent to order her back to Adam. Lilith refused, preferring the company of the demons to her human husband. As a result, God sent angels to murder many of her demonic children, causing Lilith great grief and pain, but still she would not return to the Garden.

God created a new woman for Adam, this time fashioning her from Adam’s rib to ensure that she would be a passive and subservient wife. And for some time, they did indeed live together in peace and happiness within the paradise God had created for them. And Lilith sat alone in her sea-washed cave, surrounded by the twisted corpses of her hideous demon-babies, grieving and weeping for them. And in her forsaken isolation and misery, she swore vengeance on all the helpless newborn children to be born to mankind in the years to come.

The vile wickedness of her vow transformed her into a powerful demoness, flying through the winds of the world for all eternity, looking for innocent, defenceless babies to devour and consume. Jewish folklore maintains that the only way to protect babies from Lilith is to hang amulets in the four corners of the baby’s room, each inscribed with the names of the three angels who first confronted Lilith in her cave beside the sea.

An extension of the myth is that Lilith is also a powerful Temptress, tempting mortal men to father demons upon her. Or, alternatively, seducing them in their sleep — the unacknowledged cause of embarrassing nocturnal emissions. She was said to take particularly malicious delight in having her way with pious, celibate Christian monks and virgins during their sleep. It became such a problem that, in the end, the unfortunate monks were forced to take crucifixes to bed, covering their groins with them, so that Lilith wouldn’t dare approach while they slept. I think it would be unwise to repeat this grand solution to Stephomi, for I know that he would laugh, and it’s really not funny at all.

Anyway, I can’t believe Lilith’s story is true. I’m sure God would never have allowed it. I mean, God would never condone a crime as disgusting as rape, would He? He would have punished Adam for what he’d tried to do, if the story really were true. It’s just an unfounded and unsubstantiated myth, that’s all. Adam was not a rapist and he did not have sex with animals… And yet this story troubles me, picking at my mind and tugging at my faith in a most unpleasant way. Unable to get the story out of my head, I telephoned Stephomi to ask him about Adam’s abandoned wife. ‘Have you ever seen her?’ I asked.

Why did I care so much about the answer? What did I want from Stephomi? Reassurance. I wanted him to tell me that Lilith somehow managed to put the misery of the past behind her. That she somehow managed to forgive men and angels for the great wrong they had done her.

Stephomi hesitated a moment before answering me, ‘Yes, I’ve seen her.’

‘Where?’

‘By the sea. She haunts sea-caves. Beaches are places of the In Between — where land meets ocean. When God sent angels to destroy her children… she wasn’t able to save them all. There were too many defenceless babies and too many self-righteous, avenging angels with large swords. She’s still haunted by that.’

‘What does she look like?’

‘Why the sudden interest, Gabriel? Yesterday you were quite adamant that she didn’t exist at all, that she was a myth. Because angels do not slaughter children, do they?’

I fell silent, not quite sure myself what it was about Lilith’s story that had so affected me. ‘Is she really a lascivious Temptress who comes in under the cover of night to seduce holy men in their sleep?’

‘Ah, now, Gabriel, you’re asking me questions that I can’t answer. Although, just a passing thought… If Lilith did entertain fierce, passionate demonic lovers for so many years in her cave by the sea, don’t you think there’s a very slight possibility that slumbering, elderly monks would be a bit of a disappointment to her? For such an accomplished seductress, it seems doubtful to me that pious priests would be able to satisfy her apparently voracious appetite. In fact, it strikes me that the holy hypocrites were probably just looking for a justification, an explanation, a rather pathetic excuse. After all, if Lilith is to be blamed for every child’s death, why not blame her for some old monk’s wet dream as well, eh? Assuming that’s what it was — monks are a horny bunch, you know.’

The bitterness in his voice surprised me. ‘You’re being vulgar,’ I said shortly.

To my surprise, Stephomi laughed. ‘Pardon me, Gabriel, but you asked a vulgar question, even if it was politely phrased. What is Lilith’s sex life to you anyway?’

‘Nothing!’ I said, suddenly feeling flustered. ‘I mean I… it’s none of my business anyway and I… look I just wanted to learn more about her, that’s all!’

To my horror, I have started to dream about Lilith. It’s become so bad that I find myself fearing to go to sleep at all. Perhaps the Lilith of my dreams is real. Perhaps she isn’t. How can I know for sure? But real or not, she is so incredibly beautiful. Actually, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s not natural for a woman to be that supernaturally stunning. She has black hair, reaching down to the small of her back. Hair that runs through my fingers like freshly-woven silk. And her white skin is marble perfect

… cool to the touch. But there is this sadness in her always, in her blue eyes and in the tears that fall silently from them… salty tears that drop onto my skin…

I forget, when I see her, that she is a demoness, for she looks like nothing if not a goddess. Beauty and eroticism and desire personified. She wears long black gowns that cling to her body, contrasting starkly with the whiteness of her skin. And she brings with her a velvety, soft heaviness that presses in all around with sweet, erotic promises that she refuses to fulfil.

I want to talk to her when I see her. I want to apologise for what Adam tried to do, for the threats the angels made and for the appalling way in which God punished her for not submitting to her selfish, disgusting husband. But her presence always pushes all nobler thoughts from my mind. And all I can think about then is how much I want her… how much I want to touch her, to kiss her, to make love to her all night. I resent her for having that power over me. What worth is there in lust? I am sure she does it on purpose. She teases; she loves that she can arouse me just by being there, in the same room. She revels in it. But she never delivers, oh no, though she may push it to the brink when she chooses. Always at that crucial moment her eyes will turn cold, her lips will tighten, and she will hiss spitefully in my ear that no mortal man ever again will take satisfaction in her body, for she belongs to the demons now.

I wish to God that Stephomi had never brought her up, for she now haunts and torments my dreams, real or not. In the end, I had to buy some medicine from a pharmacy to aid undisturbed rest; and, to my relief, it seems that Lilith is unable to invade drug-induced sleep.