The Misfortune Cookie

18 Lion Dance

“I’m going to Doyers Street,” I said to Max. I tried not to think about the fact that the street was also known as the Bloody Angle. “Ted, you try calling Bill and John. See if you can warn them!”

I dashed out of the shop and started running down the street, shoving my way through the holiday crowd. As I pictured Susan pointing a gun at John, I realized this was the sort of mundane problem that the police could handle better than anyone else. So I slowed down to a trot as I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called Lopez.

“Esther?” he said when he answered. “Is that you?”

“Yes. This is an emer—”

“A smash and grab?” he said. “Are you insane?”

“What?”

“After I left last night,” he said. “You smashed in the window of my car—a police car, I might add—and stole my fortune cookie?”

“Oh! Right. That.”

“Yes, that,” he snapped.

“How did you find out?”

“They didn’t make me a detective for my pretty face, Esther,” he said tersely. “There were witnesses. I found them. Easily.”

“Oh.”

“That’s it?” he said incredulously. “‘Oh?’”

“Look, I can explain, but not right now.”

“I should have stayed away altogether. I don’t know what I was thinking, coming back for more,” he said. “Okay, I do know. Sex. Well, partly, anyhow. But this is the limit, Esther. Seriously. This is warped, even for you.”

“Even for me? What does that . . . No, never mind.” I was still barreling through the crowd and shoving my way past people. “We can’t talk about that right now.”

“I don’t think we should talk anymore at all. I must have been out of my mind to think we could—”

“This is an emergency!” I shouted at him. “Susan Yee has got a gun, and she’s planning to shoot John Chen!”

“What?”

“On Doyers Street! Right now. John’s in a red lion costume! Susan Yee has got a gun and is hunting for him! Send help!”

He could tell I was serious. “Doyers Street. Got it. I’m calling it in right now.”

He ended the call. I shoved my phone into my pocket and ran as fast as I could, heading for the Bloody Angle, not bothering to apologize as I pushed people out of my way.

To my relief, as soon as I turned into the little street, I saw an enormous, beautiful, magical-looking, bright red creature in front of the little restaurant where I and the ABC cast had eaten lunch not long ago. The lion was performing a graceful, athletic dance for the crowd gathered here. Everyone was smiling, and many people were bobbing up and down a little in time to the percussion music that accompanied the dance . . .

But one pretty, petite woman in the crowd with a chic haircut was making her way toward the lion, her face grim with purpose, her eyes burning with deadly intent.

“John! She’s got a gun! John! Susan’s got a gun!”

I was running straight at them, shouting as loudly as I could. But the music was drowning me out and the dense crowd slowed me down.

On the other side of the sharp curve that defined Doyers, I could hear police sirens.

Oh, thank God!

They were coming up from the Bowery—and they evidently drove through the traffic barrier that had been established for today, heading straight for us.

The intrusion of police cars and wailing sirens on this scene startled everyone. People were turning around to look at the flashing lights and at the cops pouring out of the cars. The musicians stopped playing, wondering what was going on.

“John!” I screamed, and I could tell by the way the lion flinched that he heard me this time. My heart pounding, I burst through the crowd and screamed, “Susan’s got a gun!”

“Esther! Get back!”

I recognized Lopez’s voice and realized he must be in one of the police cars that was disgorging cops as I dived toward the red lion, practically bodysurfing over the crowd.

“Nooooo!” It was a woman’s scream, shrill and enraged—Susan, I realized.

The red lion froze for a moment, then start undulating, as if struggling to shapeshift; apparently John and Bill were trying to get out of their costume.

I realized in the next instant that Susan was pointing her gun at me now. At point-blank range.

“Kid!” That was Lucky’s voice, somewhere off to my right.

Nelli was barking.

“Esther!” Lopez shouted. “Get down!”

“Noooo!” Susan’s eyes—insane, wild, wrathful.

I stared at the barrel of the gun.

You really should have planned this better, Esther.

I was about to be shot instead of John. Not really my intention in coming here.

“Esther!” Lopez shouted. “Esther!”

An enormous jet of flame shot from the mouth of the red lion toward Susan. It was like a horizontal waterfall of fire, pouring straight at her.

She screamed in startled fear, staggered backward, and dropped the gun. Although not in danger from the flame, which was nowhere near me, I staggered sideways to get further away from it.

As soon as Susan leaped out of the path of the fire, a man with curly blond hair and a big beard launched himself at her, taking her down in a flying tackle while bellowing loudly. Then Nelli was right behind him, barking ferociously.

Sobbing and shrieking, Susan struggled and tried to reach for the gun she had dropped, which lay nearby.

The bearded blond man kicked it away. “Don’t even think about it, sister!”

Nelli was still barking.

“Lucky?” I said to the blond man.

“You all right, kid?” he called.

“Esther!” Lopez was there, his hands on my shoulders. “Are you all right? Are you okay?”

“Oh. Um . . .” Safe now, I felt slightly dazed. “I’m fine.”

He shook me. “What were you thinking? Never step in front of a gun! Never!” Then he hugged me fiercely.

Uniformed cops were pulling Lucky off of Susan Yee. Not exactly the most balanced of women, she struggled like a wild thing, ranting and raving, shrieking and howling. When she flung out an arm, her fist connected with Lucky’s face. He cried out and staggered backward.

“Oh, no!” I cried, pulling myself out of Lopez’s bruising embrace. “Are you all right?”

“Fine. Ow. Fine.” Lucky pulled off his fake beard and tenderly felt his jaw. “That girl coulda been a boxer.”

“Officer Novak!” I said in surprise, recognizing one of the cops who were trying to get the frightened crowd under control.

“Miss Diamond.” He nodded to me and grinned. “You movie people lead such exciting lives!”

“I think my heart stopped,” Lopez said irritably. “And when did they start putting flamethrowers in the lions around here?”

“Esther! Are you all right?” asked the lion, its mouth now darkly singed from its fiery attack on Susan.

“I’m fine, John. A little shaken up, but fine.”

“Uncle Lucky!” The lion trotted across the street.

“You got here fast,” I said to Lopez.

“I was just around the corner.” He grabbed me again for another fierce hug and said against my hair, “What were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t thinking,” I admitted. “I just didn’t want John to get shot. It really didn’t occur to me until she pointed the gun at me that she might shoot anyone else. After all, she was obsessed with the idea of killing John.”

“Why? I mean, who is John? Why does Ted’s sister want to kill him?”

“It’s such a long story.” I shook my head. “Maybe later.”

I realized that after weeks of being cold, I was sweating now. I unbuttoned my coat as I went over to Lucky and John.

John had removed his lion head, and he and Bill were looking at the enormous thing in perplexity.

“What the hell happened with that thing?” Lucky asked as he removed his wig. I saw that he was sweating, too.

“I don’t know,” said John, frowning as he stuck his head inside the lion’s mouth, apparently looking for whatever had caused that burst of fire. “Weird.”

Lopez joined him. “You mean that wasn’t on purpose?”

John shook his head. “I don’t even know what ‘that’ was.”

Lucky said, “It saved Esther’s life, though.”

I looked at Lopez and remembered what Max had said.

Extreme stress triggers these interesting events. His emotions and his focus become powerful enough for him to affect matter and energy, though it’s not conscious and he doesn’t realize it’s happening.

He’d obviously been pretty damn stressed by seeing Susan about to shoot me. I’d been pretty stressed by it, too.

So I thought I knew why a lifesaving burst of fire had poured from the creature’s mouth, aimed straight for Susan. Even though everyone else, including Lopez, was mystified by the event as they poked and prodded John’s singed lion costume.

Lucky said to me, “Is my face swelling?”

“Huh? Oh.” I looked at his jaw. “Maybe a little. We should get some ice.”

Lopez looked away from the lion to glance at us. He registered Lucky’s presence with surprise. “Hello, Lucky.”

We froze.

Shit.

Lopez looked at the hairy disguise that was now in Lucky’s hand. “Do I even want to know why you were wearing a wig?”

Nelli, who recognized Lopez, greeted him with friendly good cheer.

“Oh, good,” he said. “It’s Max’s neurotic dog. Where’s Max?”

“Busy,” I said. “Not here.”

Lucky sighed in defeat. “You’d better take Nelli, kid.” He gave me her leash, then turned to Lopez. “It don’t seem fair that this happened when I only came out here to save my nephew’s life.”

“And he saved me, too,” I added, hoping this would help.

“Uncle Lucky?” John said, looking worried.

“But whaddya gonna do? You got me, detective.” He stretched out his wrists toward Lopez to be cuffed. “And I ain’t saying a thing until I see my lawyer.”

Lopez looked down at Lucky’s outstretched arms, then back at his face. “I must have missed a chapter. What are we doing?”

John and I looked at him.

He looked at us.

I finally said, “You’re not going to arrest him?”

Lopez asked Lucky, “Did you do something illegal here today that I didn’t see?”

Lucky lowered his hands. “You’re not bringin’ me in?”

“For what?”

Looking a little annoyed now, Lucky said, “You’ve arrested half the family!”

“Yeah, and I’m hoping to arrest a few more,” Lopez said. “But I don’t have a warrant for you.”

“What?” John blurted.

“What?” I said.

“Either you’re smarter than you look,” Lopez said to the old mobster, “or you’re as lucky as they say. Because we can’t get anything on you. You’re free to go.”

“I’m what?”

“Of course, if you want to confess some crimes, I’d be happy to take you in,” Lopez offered.

“No, no. That’s fine. I’m happy to be a free man, detective.”

Lopez shrugged and then turned away from us to speak to Officer Novak.

John started laughing. “Oh, my God.”

“Shut up,” Lucky said darkly to him.

I was laughing, too.

“Three weeks trapped in a Chinese funeral home,” I murmured to Lucky. “And the cops weren’t even looking for you.”

“If the two of you ever tell anyone . . .” he muttered.

John and I just kept laughing.

“Hmph.” Lucky took Nelli’s leash from me and stomped away, the picture of offended dignity.

As the milling crowd began to thin out a bit, I saw Detective Quinn over by the police cars. He was talking on his phone.

“Esther, I don’t even know what to say.” John turned to me. “I think you saved my life today.”

“Does that make you indebted to me for a thousand years?” I asked with a smile. “Or do you have to save my life now?”

Lopez finished speaking with Officer Novak and caught my eye. He made a gesture indicating he wanted me to join him.

Here we go, I thought. I’d have to explain about last night’s smash and grab.

“I was thinking more along the lines of inviting you to dinner,” John said. “You know, to thank you. And to . . . well, maybe just to have dinner together?”

Lopez raised his brows at me, impatient to talk.

“I mean, can I call you?” John asked.

“Huh? Oh, sure,” I said. “Will you excuse me, John?”

I wasn’t looking forward to this, but I’d better get it over with.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Lopez asked in a low voice when I reached his side. “You scared me to death today.”

“I’m fine.” This had happened before. At Fenster’s, in fact. So I said, “It turns out that the second time a deranged killer points a gun at you, you get over it faster than the first time. I’m already feeling more like my usual self. Weird, huh?”

“Everything about this was weird,” he said, looking again at the singed red lion head. “But none of it as weird—”

“Here we go.”

“—as you breaking into my car last night to steal a cookie. What the hell was that about?”

“I was hungry,” I tried.

“Esther.”

“Where did you get that cookie?” I asked.

“Someone sent it to me at work.”

“Who?”

“Not sure. The card got lost.”

“I see.”

I was very glad Susan was going to prison. (Well, I assumed she was. Apart from pointing a loaded gun at me and John today, she was also still screaming and fighting, over by the squad cars, as the police were trying to book her. I didn’t think she was going to turn out to be a very convincing defendant.

“Earth to Esther,” Lopez said impatiently.

“What? Oh.” I said, “I’m really sorry about the car.”

“It can be repaired. I’m not sure this can.”

“This?”

“Us. Esther . . . what were you doing?”

I decided just to tell him. “I was saving your life. The cookie contained a mystical death curse.”

After a few seconds of silence, he said, “That’s it? That’s your story?”

“Yes.”

“Well, doesn’t that just figure?” he said in disgust. “I have no idea what to do with you.”

“Maybe there are some things we should try to talk—”

Nelli burst into a hysterical torrent of barking—a furious, frightening, menacing sound. I turned to look at her, startled by the racket—and saw Lucky restraining her while she bared her fangs at Detective Quinn, who was simply passing by. He gave her a wide berth, looking as startled as anyone would look in those circumstances.

Although Lucky had a firm hand on her collar, he wasn’t reprimanding Nelli. He was looking down at her with a puzzled frown. She was growling and barking, her eyes fixed fiercely on Quinn, her fangs dripping, her hair standing on end. Even after the detective was well past her, her gaze remained glued to him, fierce, menacing, warning him to watch out. Her whole body was puffed up, aggressive, and ready for action.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Esther,” Lopez said. “You cannot have a dog that size who behaves that way. Especially not in the city! Max needs to get rid of her. I mean it.”

I was still looking at Nelli. Then my gaze shifted to Lucky. He looked up and met my eyes. He jerked his chin, indicating we should leave.

“We’ll get her out of here,” I said absently to Lopez. “Sorry.”

“Esther, I’m serious. That dog is dangerous. And you and I aren’t done talking about what you did last night, either. Esther! Are you listening to me?”

“Bye,” I said. “I’ve gotta go.”

When I reached Lucky’s side, I asked, “What the hell happened? What set her off?”

“I don’t know,” Lucky said in a low voice. “All that guy did was walk past us. Didn’t even look this way. But she went berserk as soon as she sensed him. And look her even now. She can’t take her eyes off him.”

I looked at Quinn, who was at least fifty yards away now, talking with a cop at the other end of the street. He looked completely normal—as he had looked each time I’d encountered him.

“Nelli?” I said, bemused by the familiar’s behavior. “Nelli?”

But she ignored me, her gaze fixed on Quinn, her posture menacing, a faint growl rumbling in her throat each time he moved.

“Max says she can sense demonic entities and mystical beings,” Lucky pointed out. “And we seen her react to dangerous things before.”

“But Quinn just seems like a normal guy,” I protested.

“To you, maybe. But not to our favorite familiar—a mystical being herself, who entered this dimension to fight Evil.” Lucky asked, “Who is that guy, anyway?”

“Lopez’s new partner,” I said with a dawning feeling of dread.

“In that case,” Lucky said, “I think we’d better go talk to Max.”

I watched Lopez walk over to Quinn, who grinned at him and said something. Lopez shook his head, and the two of them stood talking.

Nelli growled again, clearly upset to see someone she liked standing that close to Quinn.

“Yeah,” I said, wondering what Nelli sensed about Lopez’s new partner that alarmed her so. “We do need to go find Max.”