The Harlequin

chapter fourteen

THE IMPACT NEVER came. The tiger hit my skin, my body, and kept going. I didn't give my beast to Soledad; it just washed out of me and into her. It didn't hurt me; it was as if all that went down my hand to hers was power. It just happened to look like a tiger. I wasn't sure that was it at all because Soledad didn't change shape. She half-collapsed around me, catching herself with her free hand so she didn't fall on top of me. Her breath came in sharp pants, as if something hurt, but I wasn't feeling it. I was just holding her hand and watching her face.

She managed to whisper, «You don't hold tiger inside you.»

«I think you're right,» I said. My voice still sounded hoarse from all the screaming, but at least I could talk above a whisper.

«What's wrong?» Claudia asked from behind us.

«I think Marmee Noir couldn't turn me into a tiger,» I said. I kept looking at Soledad's face, though. She still looked hurt. I asked, «Are you all right?»

She nodded, but her lips were pressed in a tight, thin line. I think she was lying to me about being all right.

«I think she's hurt,» I said.

Claudia knelt beside us. «Soledad, are you hurt?»

She shook her head.

«Tell me you aren't hurt,» Claudia said.

Soledad just kept shaking her head. Claudia helped the other woman to her feet, and Soledad's knees wouldn't hold her. Claudia had to catch her, or she'd have fallen to the floor. Remus came on the other side of her and helped ease her to the edge of the bed. He asked, «What's wrong with her?»

«I'm not sure,» Claudia said.

Soledad found her voice. «That was not a weretiger.»

I tried to sit up, and Micah had to help me. Richard moved in on the other side to help me sit between them. «It was Marmee Noir,» I said.

«Who?» Soledad asked.

«The Mother of All Darkness, the queen of the vampires.»

«It smelled like tiger, not vampire,» she said.

«Tigers are one of her animals to call,» I said.

Soledad shook her head and leaned against Claudia for a moment. «All right, I admit it, I don't feel so good.»

«Why didn't she bring her beast?» Nathaniel asked.

«Anita isn't a weretiger, so the tiger couldn't be as real as the rest of the beasts,» Micah said.

«What do you mean?» Richard asked.

«We'd been wondering if Anita is picking up beasts because she survived attacks, or if it's vampire powers, and she'll collect animals to call as if they are types of lycanthropy. I think this answers the question. She's never been attacked by a weretiger, and Chimera didn't hold tiger as one of his shapes.»

«So why try to call tiger?» Richard said. «Why not call one of the cats Anita already has?»

«I don't know,» Micah said.

I had a thought. «She's been inside my head deep enough to know that I didn't think we had a tiger nearby. She said she wanted to make me hers, but if she couldn't have me, then…»

«She meant for the tiger to tear you apart,» Richard said, softly.

«Or she was trying to make you a tiger from a distance,» Soledad said. «I don't think she knew what would happen. I don't think she cared what would happen. The power that brushed me didn't think like a tiger.»

«What did it think like?» I asked.

«A serial killer, a butcher. Tigers only hunt when they're hungry. This thing hunts because it's bored.»

«Yeah,» I said, «that sounds like Mommie Dark. Sorry you got a taste of her, Soledad.»

She gave a weak smile. «My job to take the hits for you, right?» But she was pale, and looked as close to fainting as I thought I'd ever see one of the guards.

«Chimera might not have been a tiger,» Remus said, «but he did hold hyena, snake, and bear, at least those three more. Why doesn't Anita react to them, too?»

Micah shrugged. «She's never been attacked by them. She seems to need to be bled by an animal first.» He stroked his hand down my bare back. It reminded me that we were nude, but strangely because everyone else treated it like it was nothing, so could I.

Richard settled in closer to my other side, as if that one touch of Micah's made him have to touch me, too. Or maybe he was just nervous and letting himself take comfort. I looked for bad motives for Richard. I didn't mean to do it, but he'd hurt me so badly and so often that I finally realized I looked for the negative in him, not the positive. I took a deep breath in and let it out slow.

«You all right?» Remus asked, but his eyes did a slide to each side of me, as if he knew what was wrong.

I nodded, and the movement was too fast. I ached, but it was sharper than that. The pain would fade, but damn, I didn't know how the real wereanimals did it. Changing completely had to hurt worse than this in-between stuff.

Remus asked, «Do you know why you don't react to all of Chimera's animal forms?»

«Jean-Claude thinks maybe I need a vamp with that animal to call to mess with me before the beast rises.»

«So a combination of the attacks you've survived and vamp powers,» he said.

«Something like that,» I said.

Richard moved his hand across my shoulders, drawing me in against his body, and away from Micah. I tried not to tense up, but failed. He stopped in midmotion and just kept his hand on me. The movement that had been so natural was suddenly awkward. Awkward moments when I'm naked make me want clothes.

«Then you should react to us, the hyenas, because we're Asher's animal to call and he has messed with you, Anita. Messed with you so much he almost killed you.»

I tried not to think about Asher, tried not to dwell on what we had done together the last time we'd been allowed alone together. His bite was orgasmic; combine that with actual sex and it was an experience you'd give your life for, and I'd almost done just that.

Micah touched my shoulder. «Anita, don't.»

I jumped and looked at him, startled. He was right, I'd almost thought too hard about Asher. Just the memory could come back and duplicate the pleasure, at the most inopportune moments, or the most embarrassing. I shoved thoughts of Asher and his hair like spun gold as far away as I was able. But he never seemed to be too far from my thoughts lately, not since the night that we'd both gotten so caught up in his ability to bring pleasure…

Micah grabbed me, hard, and turned me to look at him. «Anita, think about something else.»

I nodded. «You're right, you are right.»

«You're still having flashbacks to that night?» Richard made it a question.

I nodded.

He touched my back again, tentatively, gently. Not trying to move me away from Micah, but just touching me. That I could deal with. «Hard to compete with someone who can make you orgasm just from remembering.»

I turned and looked at him. He looked away, as if he wasn't certain I'd like what I saw on his face. I already knew he was jealous of the other men. I couldn't even blame him, I guess. He let all that heavy hair fall forward, to help hide his face. It wasn't as long as Asher's hair, but the gesture was similar. Asher used his hair to hide the scars that the old Inquisition had given him centuries ago when they'd tried to burn the devil out of him with holy water. Was Richard mimicking that hiding gesture on purpose, or by accident?

Travis, the lion, gave a gasping breath. It turned my attention to him and away from Richard. Micah let go of me so I could run my hand down the soft furred side of the lion. Travis's lion was a pale straw gold. He rolled over on his stomach and looked at me with a perfect lion face, but the look out of that face wasn't lion. The look said, clearly, that there was still a person in there. Lions just didn't give you that disgusted look.

«I'm sorry it hurt,» I said.

He shook his head hard enough to fluff his mane. It was dry. I never understood that, but though changing shape was wet work, the product at each end was always mostly dry. The floor or bed would be wet, people around them could be wet, but they were dry. I'd asked all the lycanthropes in my life how that worked, and they didn't know either.

«I'll take Travis to find food,» Nathaniel said. He stood there, still nude, still covered in some of the gunk that had managed to miss the lion.

«You'll need to shower,» Micah said.

«I'll catch one in the group showers.»

Nathaniel was quietly counting himself out for the morning feed—morning sex. It occurred to me then that I hadn't fed last night before bed. The ardeur hadn't risen, and we hadn't woken it on purpose.

I looked toward Damian's coffin, but the bed blocked my view. «Shit,» I said, softly.

«Jean-Claude says that you can practice going longer between feedings,» Nathaniel said.

«But I have to feed now.» I sounded disappointed and couldn't help it. Having sex when you wanted to was one thing; being forced to have sex because you might die was different. I didn't like to be forced to do anything, even things I enjoyed.

«I'll take Travis to the food area, and I'll clean up.» He looked at the two men still beside me. I caught a quick flash of feeling. He was out of here. He could stand his ground when he needed to, but Nathaniel didn't really like to play the king-of-the-hill games, especially when I was the hill. He knew it pissed me off, so he opted out most of the time. Micah, too, sometimes. They lived with me, which meant they had to understand me better than some of the other men in my life. Okay, better than Richard. There, I'd said it, at least in my head. He usually turned everything into a pissing contest. Trouble was, I felt like I was the one getting pissed on.

«Who did you feed on last?» Richard asked.

«Me,» Micah said, and looked at the other man.

They had a moment where they just looked at each other, and like last night in the bed, I felt superfluous. «I don't know how to do this,» Richard said.

«Just say it,» Micah said.

«I don't want to have to ask your permission to have sex with Anita.»

Micah laughed then, a sharp, surprised burst of sound. «I can't believe you said that.»

«Well, I don't,» Richard said.

«It's not my permission you need, Richard,» Micah said.

Then Richard seemed to get it, because he looked at me. He actually had the grace to look embarrassed. «I didn't mean it that way.»

«How did you mean it?» I asked, and tried to keep the words as neutral as I could.

«I'm trying to get along with the other men in your life. I don't know how to do that, Anita. I want to ask you to feed on me, but I feel like I have to ask for everyone's okay, not just yours; am I wrong?»

I felt my face soften. He was trying so hard. I touched his hair. There was an edge of drying goop in it. I guess I was a bigger mess since Travis had been practically on top of me when he shifted. Violent shifting is always messier. «We need to get cleaned up,» I said.

He gave me uncertain eyes.

«I'll go with Nathaniel to the showers,» Micah said, standing up. He petted Travis's back. «Come on, ol' lion, we'll get you fed.»

Micah bent over and gave me a quick kiss and a reassuring smile. He did his best to let me know it was all right with him. One of my favorite things about Micah was that he usually made things better, easier, not worse.

He walked out with the huge, slinking form of the lion on one side and Nathaniel on the other. Nathaniel blew me a kiss from the door, but didn't try for a kiss on the lips. I wasn't sure why, but I'd have liked the kiss.

Richard touched my arm, gently. It made me look at him. Whatever he saw on my face didn't make him happy. His eyes showed it. Since I didn't know what was in my eyes, I couldn't change it. Whatever he saw on my face was what was there to see.

He gave a smile that left his eyes sad. «Let's use the bathtub and clean up.» He looked down, his hair sliding around his face. He took a breath deep enough that it moved his shoulders up and down. «If that's all right with you.»

I touched his arm. «A nice hot bath would help with the aches. Does it hurt this much to shift completely?»

Richard frowned, thinking, then shook his head. «No, I mean it hurts while you're doing it sometimes, but with practice, no. You seem to be stuck at the early stages when it hurts the most.»

«Great,» I said.

I heard water running in the bathroom. Remus or Claudia had sent someone in to start the bath. The tub was big; it took a while to fill.

Richard stood up and offered me a hand. He'd moved so that I had his body in profile—the smooth, strong line of his hip to stare at instead of other things. I appreciated the modesty. Sometimes when he wasn't modest, I just didn't think very clearly. Of course, it wasn't just his manhood that made me go wow. I stared up the line of his body, from feet, to the muscled swell of calf, thigh, the tight curve of his ass, the waist that led up to the swell of that chest, those shoulders. He held one muscled arm down at me, and I followed that arm to the face. That face. It wasn't just that he was handsome, or that his newly long hair framed it all, but the eyes. Pure brown, deep, rich, and full of a weight that was just Richard. A weight of personality and strength that once I'd thought would be enough to sustain me. I saw all of it in seconds, so that I was able to not just give him my hand in his, but wrap my other hand around his wrist. A wrist thick enough that I couldn't hold it between thumb and forefinger. He was just too big. He pulled me gently to my feet.

It hurt to stand, and I swayed, clutching at him. He put his other hand at my back to steady me. «Let me pick you up, Anita, please.» He knew I didn't like to be carried. It made me feel weak, but tonight I hurt, and I knew that it would mean something to him to do it.

I whispered, «Yes.»

He smiled, that smile that brightened his whole face. He picked me up in his arms, and I cuddled in against the strength of him. Just holding me in his arms, I could feel the potential in his body, so strong.

I let my head rest in the curve of his shoulder and didn't fight the fact that I was small in his arms. Once it had bothered me, but some part of me had grown up, or accepted it. Maybe I just didn't need to be the biggest, baddest ass in the room anymore. Maybe I was finally old enough to let someone else be the one in charge. Maybe.

I draped an arm around his neck and breathed in the scent of him. It loosened something tight and frightened in the center of my being. It felt a little like the rabbit was cuddling with the wolf, but if a lion can lie down with a lamb, why not?