The Great Troll War

We say goodbye

The conversation over breakfast was mixed in tone. The defeat of the Trolls was good news, but the Princess and her group of advisers were concerned that until Shandar was gone, caution should be the watchword. I was resigned to my future by now, but I think the Princess was annoyed and nervous in my stead, as was Tiger. After breakfast Lady Mawgon sought me out and took my hand, squeezed it and then gave me the brooch she always wore. It was of jet, with a dark sapphire in the centre the size of a pigeon’s egg.

‘Take this as a gift,’ she said, ‘to remind you of happier days at Zambini Towers. I regret not having been more pleasant to you, Jennifer, but it was my way. The Great Zambini was right: you are a very special person. The brooch is valuable. You are to carry it with you always.’

I mumbled my thanks and Lady Mawgon gave me a crusty hug that smelled of old wardrobes.

‘You will have the good grace not to mention to anyone I was kind to you?’ she asked. ‘These things can get around, and coming over as dismissive and aloof has really worked well for me down the years.’

I gave her a hug back.

‘Your secret’s safe with me.’

She smiled – the first I’d ever seen cross her grim visage – then moved quickly away. A lot of people wanted to speak to me, and their concern, although heartfelt and justified, made me feel as though I were more like a condemned convict up for a spell in the clink, rather than someone who was about to embark on a journey of unprecedented discovery until the end of time. But, weirdly, now I knew I was a countermeasure and my life had led up to this, accepting it as my destiny wasn’t really such a huge deal. This was Zambini and Mother Zenobia’s plan all along, and given that we’d avoided the destruction of the planet it was, in almost any way you looked at it, a dazzling success. Leaving everybody I’d ever known and loved, and the unanswered question about my parents, was just something I had to do.

Others had given far more.

‘Look,’ I said to the Princess after breakfast, ‘I’m not going to draw this out. It’s been a real pleasure knowing you, and I couldn’t think of anyone better to take the new, unified and pro-Europe Kingdoms into the modern world.’

The Princess didn’t reply. She just hugged me tightly. I’d been a friend and confidante and adviser to her, sure, but in the month we’d known one another, she’d become something closer to family. A sister, perhaps.

‘I’ll try and send a comet or something back with news,’ I said, knowing that this really wasn’t likely. She looked at me, her eyes brimming with tears.

‘I was an obnoxious waste of space good only for popping out royal heirs and choosing curtains until you chanced along,’ she said. ‘You made me what I am. Everything I will become I owe to you – and I’m really not sure I can do it on my own.’

I smiled.

‘Sure you can. You’re going to be a great ruler, and I can’t recommend Tiger highly enough if you ever need some straight-talking advice. Oh, and you know what? I may not have just chanced along. There was a plan here. If ever the Great Zambini returns, you can thank him for that – and once again from me.’

We hugged again and I turned away. I didn’t look back, either, just trotted out to the front of the hotel where I had parked my car. The Quarkbeast was already waiting for me, as was Tiger. His eyes were full of tears and he hugged me round the waist.

‘I have to go,’ I said.

‘I know that,’ said Tiger, ‘and have no argument with it: You’re totally doing the right thing. It’s just that … I’m going to really miss you.’

‘And I you. Mind you,’ I added, ‘I always thought I’d die young, not miss out on dying altogether. Funny how things turn out, eh?’

‘Funny how things turn out, yes. I never thought I’d be an earl and a key part of a transition government before my twelfth birthday. You know what?’ he said.

‘What?’

‘I wish I’d had you as my big sister.’

‘It would never have worked out,’ I said with a smile. ‘I’d be forever on your back to do your homework and wash behind your ears and chewing you out for messing with my stuff.’

He smiled back at me.

‘Even so.’

I opened the door of the Volkswagen and the Quarkbeast jumped inside. I climbed in, shut the door and wound down the window.

‘Look after the remaining sorcerers,’ I said. ‘Zambini Towers will need rebuilding, and Lady Mawgon, Boo, Monty and Full Price will require a lot of help to restore the mystical arts into a useful and well-regulated power only for good. We can’t risk another Shandar.’

I paused.

‘So long, Tiger. It’s been good.’

‘So long, Jenny. I won’t forget you.’

He waved at me and I drove off. I didn’t look in the rear-view mirror, and blinked away my tears. Even without my own family, I’d still had one. Sure, Zenobia and the other nuns had been harsh, but there was love there. At Zambini Towers it had always been hard work, but they looked out for me, even Lady Mawgon.

I stopped to say goodbye to Once Magnificent Boo, who was waiting on the corner.

‘Good luck,’ she said. ‘If I’d been into the whole “having a daughter” thing, I’d have hoped she’d be just like you.’

‘I’d love to have had you as a mum, Boo.’

She squeezed my arm.

‘Thank you, Jennifer. That means a lot to me. Give the centre of the galaxy my love.’

‘I will.’

I put the car in gear, meaning to be off, but Boo leaned closer.

‘It must be wonderful,’ she said in a brooding tone, staring at me with her dark eyes. ‘With eternal life must come unlimited power. Do you understand?’

‘Not really, no.’

‘You will.’

She then handed the Quarkbeast a transfer gearbox56 from a MkII Land Rover for him to chew on the journey, winked one of her dark eyes, clasped my shoulder with a rare sign of affection and stepped back.

I drove on, but soon realised I wouldn’t need to figure out the route to the Tower of Knowledge. Word had got about through the worrier network that I was leaving with Shandar, having secured the sun’s continuing ability to pour bounteous warmth and light onto the planets, and all the fencers, marksmen and other support personnel were lining the route, eager to see me on my way. As I drove through the shattered remains of the Kingdoms, I realised just how much damage had been done in such a short time by the Trolls. It was all rebuildable, but at least now with the Kingdoms united and under wiser and more considered leadership, they could come back better.

After a couple of hours, I came within sight of Shandar’s mighty tower. I took the motorway exit where it was signposted ‘Shandar Plunder Traffic Only’ and drove along the newly built access road. There were still trucks moving in and out, but the Hollow Men, far from regarding me with suspicion, simply inclined their empty hats in my direction as I passed.

I drove down a ramp to the first sub-basement and was directed to a large, roped off area in which to park. I turned off the engine and climbed out, the Quarkbeast at my heels.

‘Ah, Jenny!’ said a voice behind me. ‘Welcome to your new home.’