The Frederik Pohl Omnibus

THE SNOWMEN

TANDY said, “Not tonight, Howard. Why, I’m practically in bed already, see?” And she flipped the vision switch just for a second; long enough so I could get a glimpse of a sheer negligee and feathered slippers and, well, naturally, I couldn’t quite believe that she really wanted me to stay away. Nobody made her flip that switch.

I said, “Just for a minute, Tandy. One drink. A little music, perhaps a dance-”

“Howard, you’re terrible.”

“No, dearest,” I said, fast and soft and close to the phone, “I’m not terrible, I’m only very much in love. Don’t say no. Don’t say a word. Just close your eyes and in ten minutes I’ll be there, and-”

And then, confound them, they had to start that yapping. Bleepbleep on the phone, and then: “Attention all citizens! Stand by for orders! Your world federal government has proclaimed a state of unlimited emergency. All heatpump power generators in excess of eight horsepower per-”

I slammed down the phone in disgust. Leave it to them! Yack-yack on the phone lines at all hours of the day and night, no consideration for anybody. I was disgusted, and then, when I got to thinking, not so disgusted. Why not go right over? She hadn’t said no; she hadn’t had a chance.

So I got the Bug out, locked the doors and set the thermostats, and I set out.

It isn’t two miles to Tandy’s place. Five years ago, even I could make it in three or four minutes: now it takes ten. I call it a damned shame, though no one else seems to care. But I’ve always been more adventurous than most, and more social-minded. Jeffrey Otis wouldn’t care about things like that. Ittel du Bois wouldn’t even know-his idea is to bury his nose in a drama-tape when he goes out of the house, and let the Bug drive itself. But not me. I like to drive, even if you can’t see anything and the autopilot is perfectly reliable. Life is for living, I say. Live it.

I don’t pretend to understand this scientific stuff either-leave science to the people who like it, is another thing I say. But you know how when you’re in your Bug and you’ve set the direction-finder for somebody’s place, there’s this beepbeepbeepbeep when you’re going right and a beepsQuAwK or a SQUAWKbeep when you go off the track? It has something to do with radio, only not radio-that’s out of the question now, they say-but with sort of telephoned messages through the magma of the Earth’s core. Well, that’s what it says in the manual, and I know because one day I glanced through it. Anyway. Excuse me for getting technical. But I was going along toward Tandy’s place, my mind full of warm pleasures and anticipating, and suddenly the beepbeepbeep stopped, and there was a sort of crystal chime and then a voice: “Attention! Operation of private vehicles is forbidden! Return to your home and listen to telephoned orders every hour on the hour!” And then the beepbeepbeep again. Why, they’d even learned how to jam the direction-finder with their confounded yapping! It was very annoying, and angrily I snapped the DF off. Daring? Yes, but I have to say that I’m an excellent driver, wonderful sense of direction, hardly need the direction-finder in the first place. And anyway we were close; the thermal pointers in the nose had already picked up Tandy’s temperature gradient.

Tandy opened the locks herself. “Howard,” she said in soft surprise, clutching the black film of negligee. “You really came. Oh, naughty Howard!”

“My darling!” I breathed, reaching out for her. But she dodged.

“No, Howard,” she said severely, “you mustn’t do that. Sit down for a moment. Have one little drink. And then I’m going to have to be terribly stubborn and send you right home, dear.”

“Of course,” I said, because that was, after all, the rules of the game. “Just one drink, certainly.” But, damn it, she seemed to mean it! She wasn’t a bit hospitable-I mean, not really hospitable. She seemed friendly enough and she talked sweetly enough, but... Well, for example, she sat in the positively-not chair. I can tell you a lot about the way Tandy furnished her place. There’s the wing chair by the fire, and that’s a bad sign because the arms are slippery and there’s only room for one actually sitting in it. There’s the love seat- speaks for itself, doesn’t it? And there’s the big sofa and, best of all, the bearskin rug. But way at the other end of the scale is this perfectly straight, armless cane-bottomed thing, with a Ming vase on one side of it and a shrub of some kind or other rooted in a bowl on the other, and that’s where she sat.

I grumbled, “I shouldn’t have come at all.”

“What, Howard?”

“I said, uh, I couldn’t come any, uh, faster. I mean, I came as fast as I could.”

“I know you did, you brute,” she said roguishly, and stopped the Martini-mixer. It poured us each a drink. “Now don’t dawdle,” she said primly. “I’ve got to get some sleep.”

“To love,” I said, and sipped the top off the Martini.

“Don’t do that,” she warned. I got up from the floor at her feet and went back to another chair. “You,” she said, “are a hard man to handle, Howard, dear.” But she giggled.

Well, you can’t win them all. I finished my drink and, I don’t know, I think I would have hung around about five minutes just to show who was boss and then got back in the Bug and gone home. Frankly, I was a little sleepy. It had been a wearing day, hours and hours with the orchids and then listening to all nine Beethoven symphonies in a row while I played solitaire.

But I heard the annunciator bell tinkle.

I stared at Tandy.

“My,” she said prettily, “I wonder who that can be?”

“Tandy!”

“Probably someone dull,” she shrugged. “I won’t answer. Now, do be a good boy and-”

“Tandy! How could you?” My mind raced; there was only one conclusion. “Tandy, do you have Ittel du Bois coming here tonight? Don’t lie to me!”

“Howard, what a terrible thing to say. Ittel was last year.”

“Tell me the truth!”

“I do not!” And she was angry. I’d hurt her, no doubt of it.

“Then it must be Jeffrey. I won’t stand for it. I won the toss fair and square. Why can’t we wait until next year? It isn’t decent. I-”

She stood up, her blue eyes smoldering. “Howard McGuiness, you’d better go before you say something I won’t be able to forgive.”

I stood my ground. “Then who is it?”

“Oh, darn it,” she said, and kicked viciously at the shrub by her left foot, “see for yourself. Answer the door.”

So I did.

Now, I know Ittel du Bois’s Bug-it’s a Buick-and I know Jeff Otis’s. It wasn’t either one of them. The vehicle outside Tandy’s door parked next to mine was a very strange looking Bug indeed. For one thing, it was only about eight feet long.

A bank of infrared lamps glowed on, bathing it in heat; the caked ice that forms in the dead spots along the hull, behind the treads and so on, melted, plopped off, turned into water and ran into the drain grille. You know how a Bug will crack and twang when it’s being warmed up? They all do.

This one didn’t.

It didn’t make a sound. It was so silent that I could hear the snipsnip of Tandy’s automatic load adjuster, throwing another heatpump into circuit to meet the drain of the infrared lamps. But no sound from the Bug outside. Also it didn’t have caterpillar treads. Also it had-well, you can believe this or not-it had windows.

“You see?” said Tandy, in a voice colder than the four miles of ice overhead. “Now would you like to apologize to me?”

“I apologize,” I said in a voice that hardly got past my lips. “I-” I stopped and swallowed. I begged, “Please, Tandy, what is it?”

She lit a cigarette unsteadily. “Well, I don’t rightly know. I’m kind of glad you’re here, Howard,” she confessed. “Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to get rid of you.”

“Tell me!”

She glanced at the Bug. “All right. I’ll make it fast. I got a call from this, uh, fellow. I couldn’t understand him very well. But. . . .”

She looked at me sidewise.

“I understand,” I said. “You thought he might be a mark.”

She nodded.

“And you wouldn’t cut me in!” I cried angrily. “Tandy, that’s mean! When I found old Buchmayr dead, didn’t I cut you in on looting his place? Didn’t I give you first pick of everything you wanted-except heatpumps and machine patterns, of course.”

“I know, dear,” she said miserably, “but-hush! He’s coming out.”

She was looking out the window. I looked too.

And then we looked at each other. That fellow out of the strange Bug, he was as strange as his vehicle. He might be a mark or he might not; but of one thing I was pretty sure, and that was that he wasn’t human.

No. Not with huge white eyes and a serpentine frill of orange tendrils instead of hair.

At once all my lethargy and weariness vanished.

“Tandy,” I cried, “he isn’t human!”

“I know,” she whispered.

“But don’t you know what this means? He’s an alien! He must come from another planet-perhaps from another star. Tandy, this is the most important thing that ever happened to us.” I thought fast. “Tell you what,” I said, “you let him in while I get around the side shaft-it’s defrosted, isn’t it? Good.” I hurried. At the side door I stopped and looked at her affectionately. “Dear Tandy,” I said. “And you thought this was just an ordinary mark. You see? You need me.” And I was off, leaving her that thought to chew on as she welcomed her visitor.

I took a good long time in the stranger’s Bug. Human or monster, I could rely on Tandy to keep him occupied, so I was very thorough and didn’t rush, and came out with a splendid supply of what seemed to be storage batteries. I couldn’t quite make them out, but I was sure that power was in them somehow or other; and if there was power, the heatpump would find a way to suck it out. Those I took the opportunity of tucking away in my own Bug before I went back in Tandy’s place. No use bothering her about them.

She was sitting in the wing chair, and the stranger was nowhere in sight. I raised my brows. She nodded. “Well,” I said, “he was your guest. I won’t interfere.”

Tandy was looking quiet, relaxed and happy. “What about the Bug?”

“Oh, lots of things,” I said. “Plenty of metal! And food-a lot of food, Tandy. Of course, we’ll have to go easy on it, till we find out if we can digest it, but it smells delicious. And-”

“Pumps?” she demanded.

“Funny,” I said. “They don’t seem to use them.” She scowled. “Honestly, dearest! You can see for yourself-everything I found is piled right outside the door.”

“What isn’t in your Bug, you mean.”

“Tandy!”

She glowered a moment longer, then smiled like the sun bursting through clouds on an old video tape. “No matter, Howard,” she said tenderly, “we’ve got plenty. Let’s have another Martini, shall we?”

“Of course.” I waited and took the glass. “To love,” I toasted. “And to crime. By the way, did you talk to him first?”

“Oh, for hours,” she said crossly. “Yap, yap. He’s as bad as the feds.”

I got up and idly walked across the room to the light switch. “Did he say anything interesting?”

“Not very. He spoke a very poor grade of English, to begin with. Said he learned it off old radio broadcasts, of all things. They float around forever out in space, it seems.”

I switched off the lights. “That better?”

She nodded drowsily, got up to refill her glass, and sat down again in the love seat. “He was awfully interested in the heatpumps,” she said drowsily.

I put a tape on the player-Tchaikovsky. Tandy is a fool for violins. “He liked them?”

“Oh, in a way. He thought they were clever. But dangerous, he said.”

“Him and the feds,” I murmured, sitting down next to her. Clickclick, and our individual body armor went on stand-by alert. At the first hostile move it would block us off, set up a force field-well, I think it’s called a force field. “The feds are always yapping about the pumps too. Did I tell you? They’re even cutting in on the RDF channels now.”

“Oh, Howard! That’s too much.” She sat up and got another drink-and sat, this time, on the wide, low sofa. She giggled.

“What’s the matter, dear?” I asked, coming over beside her.

“He was so funny. Ya-ta-ta-ta, ya-ta-ta-ta, all about how the heatpumps were ruining the world.”

“Just like the feds.” Click-click some more, as I put my arm around her shoulders.

“Just like,” she agreed. “He said it was evidently extremely high technology that produced a device that took heat out of its surrounding ambient environment, but had we ever thought of what would happen when all the heat was gone?”

“Crazy,” I murmured into the base of her throat.

“Absolutely. As though all the heat could ever be gone! Absolute zero, he called it; said we’re only eight or ten degrees from it now. That’s why the snow, he said.” I made a sound of polite disgust. “Yes, that’s what he said. He said it wasn’t just snow, it was frozen air- oxygen and nitrogen and all those things. We’ve frozen the Earth solid, he says, and now it’s so shiny that its libido is nearly perfect.”

I sat up sharply, then relaxed. “Oh. Not libido, dear. Albedo. That means it’s shiny.”

“That’s what he said. He said the feds were right. . . . Howard. Howard, dear. Listen to me.”

“Ssh,” I murmured. “Did he say anything else?”

“But Howard! Please. You’re-”

She relaxed, and then in a moment giggled again. “Howard, wait. I forgot to tell you the funniest part.”

It was irritating, but I could afford to be patient. “What was that, dearest?”

“He didn’t have any personal armor!”

I sat up. I couldn’t help it. “What?”

“None at all! Naked as a baby. So that proves he isn’t human, doesn’t it? I mean, if he can’t take the simplest care of himself, he’s only a kind of animal, right?”

I thought. “Well, I suppose so,” I said. Really, the concept was hard to swallow.

“Good,” she said, “because he’s, well, in the freezer. I didn’t want to waste him, Howard. And it isn’t as if he was human.”

I thought for a second. Well, why not? You get tired of rabbits and mice, and since there hasn’t been any open sky for pasturing for nearly fifty years, that’s about all there is. Now that I thought back on it, he was kind of plump and appetizing at that.

And, in any case, that was a problem for later on. I reached out idly and touched the button that controlled the last light in the room, the electric fireplace itself. “Oh,” I said, pausing. “Where did he come from?”

“Sorry,” her muffled voice came. “I forgot to ask.”

I reached out thoughtfully and found my glass. There was a little bit left; I drained it off. Funny that the creature should bother to come down. In the old days, yes; back when Earth was open to the sky, you might expect aliens to come skyrocketing down from the stars and all that. But he’d come all the way from-well, from wherever-and for what? Just to make a little soup for the pot, to donate a little metal and power. It was funny, in a way. I couldn’t help thinking that the feds would have liked to have met him. Not only because he agreed with them about the pumps and so on, but because they’re interested in things like that. They’re very earnest types, that’s why they’re always issuing warnings and so on. Of course, nobody pays any attention.

Still. . .

Well, there was no sense bothering my small brain about that sort of stuff, was there? If the heatpumps were dangerous, nobody would have bothered to invent them, would they?

I set down my glass and switched off the fireplace. Tandy was still and warm beside me; motionless but, believe me, by no means asleep.