The Claw

Forty-three

The fog closed in overnight. It was at the open window when Anna woke next morning, and in her mouth, a horrible taste like being very ill. It made the sheets feel as if she'd wet the bed. She struggled out of them and ran to the bathroom, away from mummy, who was at the dressing-table and watching her in the mirror, watching her as if the mirror was a glassed-in cage. 'Don't close the door,' mummy said, in a voice so cold that it made Anna shiver.

Anna washed hastily and put on the clothes she'd worn yesterday, the only clothes she had at the hotel. They made her feel grubby, but she dared not say anything to mummy. She was hurrying so that they could go down to breakfast, so that she wouldn't be alone with mummy. She was frightened to be alone with her. She wished someone would take her away until mummy was better, until she turned back into mummy again. She wished as she'd never wished anything else that there was someone she could ask -someone she could tell about mummy. Whatever had happened to daddy was happening to mummy too.

It wasn't just that she'd dragged Anna out of bed in the middle of the night and into the dark. It wasn't that she'd looked ready to kill her when she'd worn her new friend's swimsuit, so much so that Anna had jumped in the pool to escape. It wasn't even that since then mummy had seemed ready to attack her at any moment, for any reason. These things were only tiny parts of what was happening. Mummy was nobody she knew, that was the horrible truth – she was a stranger who'd taken her place and who hated Anna for no reason. She was worse than daddy had been just before he'd gone away. Anna couldn't help remembering that now. If he really was coining home, that frightened her too.

Mummy unlocked the door of the room as soon as Anna came out of the bathroom. She didn't say a word, but her look was enough: her eyes said that she'd know everything Anna did, know if Anna said anything to anyone. Had she heard Anna's thoughts? Sometimes in the past, when mummy had been mummy, they'd been able to know what each other was thinking, and perhaps this stranger who looked like mummy could. She'd seemed to know yesterday, when Anna had been struggling to tell Jimmy a little of all that was wrong. All the way downstairs to breakfast Anna felt mummy's gaze on the back of her head, glaring at her thoughts.

The dining-room was full of children and their parents, having breakfast. Grown-ups said 'Good morning' to mummy as she passed, and all of them watched her. Some were frowning. The waitress looked surprised when she came to their table, but before she could speak, mummy said sharply, 'Mrs Marshall knows we're here.' The kitchen door swung open and shut, open and shut, and Anna saw the waitresses chattering beyond it, gazing towards their table. Mummy saw them too, and Anna felt her growing more tense. They were making her even more dangerous.

The parents had turned away now. Couldn't they see how frightened Anna was? But no – they were parents; they'd think mummy was right whatever she did – grownups always stuck together like that where children were concerned. Anna stared out of the window; she couldn't bear to look at mummy, but because of the fog there was nothing else to look at. The grass looked like an old worn carpet, faded and ragged; the horizon was pressing against the cliff. The fog made her feel trapped, especially when she heard grown-ups saying that these Norfolk fogs could last for days.

She didn't feel like eating breakfast. Her hands flinched from the hot plate as she cut her bacon into pieces, smaller and smaller. Eventually she put a piece into her mouth, but it wouldn't go down. When mummy reached over to push the plate closer to her, Anna was afraid she meant to burn her with it. 'Eat up, Anna. You want more than that,' the stranger who was pretending to be mummy said. All the grown-ups must believe she was who she sounded like. They'd trapped Anna even more than the fog had.

Eventually the waitress cleared away Anna's plateful of cold bacon. The grown-ups were already packing their cars in the hope of driving beyond the fog. The hotel would be empty, and Anna wouldn't even be able to go outside, away from mummy. All at once the hotel seemed very small – another small dark grubby place that was locking her in.

She brushed her teeth in the bathroom. She would have to play in the hotel. Suddenly she realized what that could mean. Jimmy the barman would play with her, she could talk to him while mummy wasn't there – mummy wouldn't want to watch her play. It made her miserable to think of telling on mummy, but now, seeing her watching her in the mirror, she was too frightened to stay silent. 'Can I go to the games room?' she said.

'Please may I go to the games room?' Mummy was pretending that she was still mummy, except that correcting her seemed to make her hate Anna even more. As she did her hair she was getting more and more angry with its tangles. Please let her take a few minutes, please let her say that Anna could go down! 'Go on then,' mummy said at last, as if she were glad to get rid of her, 'but don't you dare go out of the hotel.'

As soon as Anna was out of the room, she began to run. Mummy might hurry after her to keep an eye on her before she had a chance to talk to Jimmy. She ran down two floors and through the foyer, past the goldfish that were swimming round and round as if they couldn't stop. Gail was at the desk, and said, 'Hello, Anna' as though she wanted to talk to her. Should she tell Gail? But Gail was mummy's friend; she couldn't. Even telling Jimmy would be hard enough. She gasped 'Hello' and ran on, to the bar. It was empty.

For a moment she didn't know what to do. He was the barman – she'd been sure he would be in the bar. She could ask Gail where he was, but now she was frightened to go back into the foyer in case she met mummy coming downstairs, so frightened that cramps started in her stomach. While she still could, she dashed across the foyer into the corridor opposite without speaking to Gail – if she asked her where Jimmy was, Gail would be able to tell mummy that Anna was with him.

He was in the lounge opposite the games room. She had almost run past the doorway before she saw him in a chair by the window, peering at a newspaper by the foggy light that hung above the shrinking lawn. He didn't look as if he was actually reading. Perhaps he just wanted to be by himself, for his smile at her was quick and dismissive. 'Going out?' he said.

'Mummy says I have to stay in.'

'I expect she knows best.' He lowered his head to the newspaper until she couldn't see his face. 'Well, I'll see you around,' he said.

He didn't understand, he hadn't seen how desperate she was. She was shifting from one foot to the other; she felt as if she was going to wet her pants. She couldn't think what to say about mummy, she couldn't bring herself to say anything – and mummy might come downstairs at any minute. If she got him out of the chair and away from the newspaper, she might be able to tell him. 'Will you play table tennis with me?' she blurted.

'All right, I'll give you a game later.' He turned a page, but she was sure now he wasn't reading. 'Before I open up.'

She was going to wet herself from fear. She pressed her legs together, bit her lip viciously. 'Will you now?' she pleaded.

He let the newspaper droop away from him and gazed at her. 'All right,' he said at last, 'if you're that desperate. It isn't as though I've anything better to do.'

All the same, he peered at the newspaper for a while before he stood up. He must have been trying to read after all. He strolled across to the games room, while she pleaded silently with him to hurry up before mummy found her. She couldn't say anything until they started playing – she didn't know why.

He took the bats and ball from their cupboard by the snooker table. 'Come on, then,' he said, seeing her hesitating in the doorway.

In fact she was desperately trying to think what to say. She wished she hadn't asked him to play table tennis now. It had been the first thing she'd thought of to get him out from behind the newspaper, but she was no good at the game. She was struggling to hit the ball when she ought to be telling him about mummy. He was sending her easy ones to hit, he was letting her return ones that didn't bounce on his side of the table, but all she wanted was to get rid of the ball and give herself a chance to talk. She slashed wildly at the ball with the edge of the bat, and the ball bounced under the snooker table.

She was crawling to retrieve it when she realized this was her chance. She'd start telling him as soon as she stood up; she wouldn't play any more. She scrambled to her feet with the ball in her hand, and then she realized something that made her stomach feel like a stone: she couldn't say anything about mummy. She couldn't even open her mouth.

'Your serve,' Jimmy said, but all she could do was bounce the ball and try to hit it over the net. It took her three tries before it went over. She couldn't tell anyone about mummy, it was too horrible a thing to say, so much so that it paralyzed her mouth. The more she tried to say it, the less able she was. She tried to hit the ball and felt as if she'd turned into a machine. She was trapped inside herself.

Someone was coming along the corridor from the foyer.

It sounded like Gail; she must want Jimmy for something. Suddenly Anna was praying that she'd take him away for just a little while, just long enough for her to get ready to tell him about mummy. She had to tell him, however much it hurt, because the thought of being alone with mummy for another night was even worse. She turned as Gail reached the doorway. Perhaps she could tell both of them. But it wasn't Gail in the corridor, it was mummy.

Anna turned away at once, terrified that mummy would see in her face what she'd been about to do. Perhaps mummy already had, for she went to sit in the lounge where she could watch them. 'Just keeping her out of mischief,' Jimmy called to her. Anna knew that mummy didn't want to watch the game, she was making sure that Anna couldn't tell.

The next time Anna had to scramble after the ball, she risked a glance at mummy. Mummy was watching her as if she was an insect that had got into the hotel, and mummy was just waiting for her to come close enough to squash. Anna hit the ball blindly, missed the return. How could she make mummy go away so that she could tell? Maybe she could say that she wanted a drink or that Gail had been looking for mummy – but they were desperate ideas, not even worth trying. She hacked at the ball, which bounced along the snooker table and rolled into a pocket. By now she was playing because she was afraid to stop.

While Jimmy was finding another ball she heard footsteps in the corridor. Could it be someone for mummy? Would whoever it was come and take her away? The slow footsteps halted between the doorways, and a man looked both ways as if it were a crossroads. He was Joseph's father, Mr Mullen, the gardener. He stared at mummy and then at Jimmy, and seemed not to like either of them. After a while he tramped away down the corridor, and Anna turned away, frightened by mummy's eyes.

She missed the next ball, which rolled toward the lounge. She managed to grab it before it went in. As she stood up, Mr Mullen came back, wearing gloves now and carrying a pair of shears. He was going to do some work on the gardens while the fog kept people out of his way. He halted between the doorways and stared at her. His eyes were shiny and blank, and she could smell something funny on his breath. After a while he said, 'You want to stay away from him.'

His fierceness made her unable to move, though she wanted to flee into the games room. 'Why?' she blurted out.

'You ask him. Ask him what happens to his girlfriends.'

He wasn't really talking to her, he was talking to Jimmy. Realizing that, she backed away into the games room and threw the ball to Jimmy before it could crack in her fist. He bounced it on the table, kept bouncing it, for Mr Mullen hadn't gone away. 'Go on, you ask him about his girlfriends,' Mr Mullen said. 'God help them.'

Jimmy slapped the ball down viciously with his bat. He was trying to ignore Mr Mullen, but failing. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

'What’s that supposed to mean?' Mr Mullen was putting on an idiot's voice. 'We all know about your girlfriend,' he said in his usual voice. 'Dope's the word, isn't it? The word for her and what she uses. I suppose you use it as well.'

Jimmy threw the bat on the table; the crack made Anna jump. 'Yes I do, as a matter of fact. It does nobody any harm.'

'A pair of damned fools. I'll bet you live together as well. What are you going to do if you get her pregnant, son? Get rid of it? It'd be better off dead than living with you two.' He was spitting with sudden fury. 'By God, my boy Joseph's supposed to be an idiot, but he's – he's a genius compared with you and your girlfriend. And they're going to let you teach youngsters, are they? My God, what are you going to do to them?'

'Undo the harm their parents have done to some of them, I hope. The absolute authority of parents is fascism in the home. Hardly anyone cares, even when they know what's going on.'

Their fury terrified Anna. She wished she could run to mummy, but mummy was the last person she could turn to. All she'd wanted was to talk to Jimmy, but he no longer seemed to realize she was there. Could she plead with mummy to get Gail? Might mummy even take Mr Mullen away?

Mr Mullen was jeering at Jimmy, who lost his temper completely. 'You didn't seem to do your own son much good,' he said.

Mr Mullen's face seemed to darken and swell, and Anna retreated behind Jimmy. Why was mummy still sitting and watching? Why didn't she stop them? 'Look, I'm sorry I said that,' Jimmy said, sounding ashamed. 'Let's both forget everything we said, all right?'

'Yes, you'd like to forget what I said, wouldn't you? I haven't said the half of it.' He waved the shears as he tried to think what else he had to say. 'Not much chance of you two having children, anyway. I don't suppose you even have your girlfriend in the normal way.'

Jimmy sounded bored and disgusted. 'Oh, go away.'

'Don't you tell me to go away. Don't you tell me what to do. I've been here since before you were born. I'll teach you to tell me to go away." Waving the shears more dangerously, he lurched into the room. As Jimmy stepped in front of Anna, Mr Mullen kept coming, brandishing the shears. 'Go away – don't be bloody stupid,' Jimmy said, with an edge to his voice. He stepped back toward Anna, then he halted, blocking Mr Mullen's way. As Mr Mullen raised the shears above his head, Jimmy punched him in the face.

Just as Mr Mullen fell on his back, blood pouring from his nose, Gail appeared in the doorway. She must have come to see what the shouting was. She gave the situation one glance and turned on Jimmy. 'That's it. You've caused enough trouble. Go and pack your things right now.'

Mummy jumped up. 'Gail, listen to me. It wasn't

Jimmy's fault. He's the one who's been causing trouble.' She pointed at Mr Mullen, who was struggling theatrically to his feet, a reddening handkerchief clasped to his nose. 'Do you know what he said to me yesterday? He came up to me for no reason at all and said he was watching me.'

'Don't interfere.' Gail wasn't even looking at her. 'You wouldn't be staying either, if it wasn't for Anna's sake.'

'What do you mean?' Mummy's voice was suddenly squeaky as chalk on a blackboard. 'What do you mean, for Anna's sake?'

Gail looked sadly into her eyes. 'Just don't ask, Liz.'

Jimmy was striding away down the corridor, his shoulders hunched up. Even if Anna ran after him, he wouldn't help her now. She'd lost her chance. But there was something worse: Gail knew how mummy had changed, and yet she wasn't going to help Anna. Anna's legs were shuddering, once more she felt as if she was about to wet herself. Gail had made mummy angrier, but she wouldn't save Anna. Nobody would.