Sprague de Camp's New Anthology

The Space Clause

Dr. MATEO Marco Lope Aguirre Malaria, the eminent jurist, sat at a table in the bar of the Convention Quarters and wept into his rum.

These Quarters were those of the World Government Constitutional Convention, in a set of concrete chambers deep underground in the Rhone Valley. These accommodations had been hastily converted from the former Supreme Headquarters, United Civilised States, usually known as SHUCKS. The Convention was taking place in this armoured warren, first, because most of the earth's larger cities had taken hits in the war and were, therefore, short of housing—when they had any houses left at all; second, because the war was not quite over.

A journalist named Dagobert Heck sat down at the same table and asked: "Why do you weep, Dr. Aguirre?"

"My friend," said Aguirre, "I weep because we are off on the wrong track. Once again we fail to grasp opportunity by the forelock."

"Oh, I don't know," said Dagobert Heck. "Considering what the world has been through lately—most of its cities mashed flat and half a billion of its population blown to bits—I think we're doing better than we had any right to expect. We're getting a bigger improvement on the United Nations than the United Nations was on the League of Nations. The new World Government will have a directly elected legislature, the right to tax, and the world's only armed force. Ten years ago we'd have said that was Utopian moonshine. Why then so sad?"

"Because these narrow-minded so-called statesmen cannot look beyond the petty confines of their own planet!"

"Oh, you mean the Space Clause." Heck closed his eyes and recited the beginning of the controversial clause from memory: "'The Gerousia shall have the exclusive right to represent the peoples of the earth in relations with extra-terrestrial life-forms, should any such forms be discovered to exist; to limit, regulate, and forbid intercourse between the peoples of the earth and such life-forms; and to limit, regulate, and forbid movement of persons and things between the earth and other heavenly bodies ...' Oh, well, it's probably not vital. We've been to the moon and found nothing but a few viruses, and conditions don't look promising for life on the other planets, either."

"Exactly what that fool Carstairs-Brown said!" Aguirre mimicked the speech of the British delegate. " 'Really, you know, wouldn't Her Majesty's Government look a bit silly getting all set to welcome the Martians, and having it transpire there aren't any?' They forget that this is not the only sun in the universe."

Heck nodded sympathetically. Aguirre went on:

"And others, I think, hope to defeat the clause so that they can carry on nationalistic and imperialistic policies, if not on the earth, then off it somewhere."

"Look here, are you sure the fact that you're the author of this clause hasn't prejudiced you?"

"Sir, I have no prejudices!" Aguirre lowered his voice. "Save perhaps a slight one in favour of living."

"What do you mean?"

"You know my glorious chief?"

Heck nodded. Aguirre's chief was Juan Serafin de la Torre Baroja, President of the Andean Federation, a new political entity that had taken the place, amid the general uproar of World War III, of several of the nations of western South America. Not satisfied with making himself president for life of Andea, la Torre had appointed himself head of the Andean delegation to the Convention so as to have a personal finger in the new constitutional pie.

"Well," said Aguirre, "he is, as you know, a man of the utmost sense of personal, dignity. I—ah—sold him on this Space Clause, as you would express it, with the result that he has placed the Andean delegation squarely behind it and made speeches on its behalf. Now if the clause is not adopted he will feel that his honour has been insulted". And since he cannot take his feelings out on Carstairs-Brown and the other sceptics, he will vent them on me"

"What'll he do? Can you?"

"If that were all! Did you not hear how he had fourteen political opponents shot without trial before taking off for this Convention?"

"I probably did. So he's the guy who calls himself the great democratic liberator?"

"Oh, but he is! Think of all the things that he has done for the masses—free parades, extra holidays to hear his speeches, and all the rest! But these people were criticising him in public. Naturally he could not tolerate such insults to his dignity, or the people would have doubted his virility and thrown him out. After all, one must make oneself respected. But that^, alas^ will not save my neck."

"Too bad," said Dagobert Heck. "You Andeans have certainly done all you could to put the clause across. Short of having a space-ship land with a load of little green men with tentacles ... Hey!" Heck frowned into his drink. "That gives me an idea. There's an old friend of mine in India named Dick Nugent, used to work with me on the World-Telegram-Sun, but he retired a few years ago to become a yogi. Maybe ... Say, when does this clause come up for a final vote?"

"To-morrow, if the meeting goes according to schedule."

Heck consulted his watch. "Excuse me. I think I can just make it."

"Make what?" asked Aguirre. But Dagobert Heck had gone.

Myron Kalish, the American Secretary of State, took his turn as president of the Convention the following noon. His bland exterior concealed a battalion of worries that would have floored a lesser man, the chief being that after all his toil and travail the Senate of the United States would insert a long, sharp knife into his back by refusing to ratify the new Constitution. Already senators from the Middle West were talking ominously about "giving away the rights that our boys fought and died for at Valley Forge, Antietam, Chateau-Thierry, Midway and Teheran ..."

Nevertheless, Kalish prepared to call the meeting to order. With luck the Steering Committee should be able to wind up the thing in three more days. Most of the terms and clauses of the document had already been agreed upon.. There remained only the controversial questions of what power, if any, the World Government should have over tariffs and immigration, and this silly Space Clause in which Juan de la Torre seemed so inexplicably interested. Kalish thought such a provision absurb, but did not wish to offend La Torre, who, despite his domestic sins, had brought the Andean Federation into the war on the side of the United States.

Kalish was opening his mouth to speak, when the sight of a messenger-boy hurrying down an aisle stopped him. It must be pretty urgent or the guards would never have let the boy through during the actual session.

The boy walked right up to the president's desk and handed a fistful of radiogram forms to Kalish, who said "Thank- you" in an absent-minded way, and peered at the forms. The boy murmured "Bienvenu, monsieur" and walked off.

Kalish swallowed as he read. The message was one long radio running over a half-dozen sheets. At last he laid down the radiogram and spoke into the microphone:

"The meeting will please come to order. The first item on to-day's agenda is the so-called Space Clause proposed by the delegation from the Andean Federation. It was planned to conclude arguments pro and contra this clause and vote on it this afternoon. However, news has just reached me which, if authenticated, has so great a bearing on the adoption of this clause that I think I should read it to you. It is a Reuter's dispatch from Darjeeling, India, and reads as follows:

"November fifth. An object described as a spaceship of extra-terrestrial origin landed yesterday in eastern Neping, near the Tibetan border in the vicinity of Kishanganj. First reports indicate that the beings who man the ship are green bipeds nine feet tall with tentacles for arms. Their intentions are said to be friendly.

"The arrival of a visitor from outer space is confirmed by a number of witnesses in Sikkim, over which the ship slowly passed while looking for a landing-place. In view of the enormous importance of this arrival, both as proving the long-surmised existence of intelligent extra-terrestrial life and as bearing upon the political organisation of the world to deal with the problems posed by this fact, the Government of Neping has waived its usual prohibition against entry of foreigners into the country to permit qualified experts and officials of the Indian Government to investigate the visitors. As Prime Minister Rajendrachandramohananah of Neping expressed it in a telephone call to Darjeeling, ' For the sake of God, sirs, let wise men be sent forthwith to cope with this appalling manifestation. We of Neping are not qualified to do so.'

"Pending the arrival of an official mission of the Indian Government to welcome the visitors in the name of the peoples of the earth, Richard Nugent, a retired American journalist living in Darjeeling, has crossed the border into Neping and struck out into the wild region where the ship is said to have come to earth ..."

Kalish finished the radiogram, took off his glasses, and rubbed his eyes with his finger-tips. Then he said:

"In view of the importance—"

Wilhelm Feuer, of the German delegation, was waving for attention. When recognised he said:

"This is all very impressive, Mr. President, but let us not by our emotions carried away be. To me it seems that the coincindence of such a landing, just when the so-called Space Clause is under consideration, is simply too perfect to be believed. At least we should await confirmation to be sure we are not the victims of a hoax."

"As I was about to say," continued Kalish, "in view of the importance of this development, the chair will entertain a motion to defer action on this clause until this time tomorrow."

The motion was made and carried, and for the rest of that session the Convention devoted itself to a long wrangle over tariffs.

When the meeting adjourned, the members swarmed around the newstand. By that time the newspapers bore not only the Reuters dispatch that Kalish had read, but a confirmatory Associated Press dispatch giving further information.

Richard Nugent, it seemed, had radioed that he had reached the space-ship and met the aliens, who had brought an elaborate equipage of linguistic apparatus, picture-books and the like, to enable them to get into communication with the Terrans. Further information was promised soon.

Mateo Marco Lope Aguirre Malaria glanced up from his newspaper with a smile of quiet triumph. It seemed to him that the other delegates were looking at each other with a new seriousness. When he had brought up the Space Clause, some had thought it ridiculous because there were no intelligent extra-terrestrials; others preferred to leave all non-essential controversies to the future, counting on amending the Constitution when and if civilised e.-t.'s were discovered. Now that the delegates were faced with extra-terrestrial reality, the petty national disputes that had stirred up such high words and hard feelings seemed small.

Next morning the papers carried still more information. By working furiously Nugent had gotten into communication with the aliens. He announced that they were from a planet of the small star Ross 154. There was a blurry radiophotograph which Nugent had transmitted with his portable set to Darjeeling and which had been re-transmitted around the world. It showed a bald man standing between two tall things that might have been a backward child's attempt to model a man in plasticene. The Indian party had already flown to Darjeeling and would take off the following day for the space ship in a helicopter with a television camera.

At that afternoon's session, Aguirre braced himself for argument. But none came. In fact one of his bitterest critics, Jacob Atta of Nigeria, rose to say that:

"While I have been opposed to this clause in the past, the events of the last twenty-four hours have changed my mind. Even if the space-ship should turn out to be a hoax, I now think it advisable to have this clause in the Constitution, just in case."

After a minor bicker over the meaning of the word "intercourse," the Convention adopted the Space Clause and went on to the rest of its business. There was little debate; everybody's mind was far away, in the rhinocerous-haunted wilds of Neping. In fact the President (Bretkun of Lithuania) managed to get compromise proposals on tariffs and immigration adopted that afternoon, leaving nothing to do but make laudatory speeches until the Drafting Committee finished polishing and homogenizing the final draft. The Sheikh of Aden made a speech in Arabic, followed by speeches from delegates of Afghanistan, Albania, and Algeria, and then the meeting adjourned.

Aguirre was relaxing in the bar when his glorious chief stalked in and strode up to him.

"Aguirre," said la Torre, "we leave tomorrow. Art thou ready?"

"Carajo! Why, chief?"

"I have received word that my enemies conspire against me, so I must get back to Andea at once."

"But you will miss the final ratification!"

"No; I have arranged it with Kalish and Carstairs-Brown. The Drafting Committee shall work all night and present the Constitution tomorrow morning to a special session. Then I will make my speech—Andea comes alphabetically after Algeria—and we shall rush to the airport as soon as I have finished. Get packed."

"Yes, yes, chief, of course."

And so it was done.

La Torre's airplane was over Venezuela when the radio broke the news that the arrival of the extraterrestrial space-ship had been a hoax after all, perpetrated by a group of journalists including Dagobert Heck and Richard Nugent. The announcer ended with a sardonic note:

"... the delegates to the World Government Constitutional Convention are having a hearty laugh over the departing speech made this morning by Senor Juan de la Torre Baroja, in which he boasted in extravagant terms of his authorship of the Space Clause and claimed sole credit for any benefits that might accrue to the earth hereafter as a result of communication with other civilized planets. However, inquiries at the Convention indicated that there, is no present intention of repealing the Space Clause, as this would require procedural complications, and since the clause is regarded as at worst a harmless piece of whimsy ..."

Aguirre became conscious of his chief's glittering black eyes. La Torre rasped:

"So! My dignity has been insulted! And who is responsible? Who put me up to backing that accursed Space Clause, saying that it would resound to the eternal fame and credit of the Andean Federation and its President, the people's choice, Juan Serafin de la Torre Baroja? Who led me astray and exposed me naked to the pitiless laughter of the world? Fool! Poltroon! Thou shalt see!"

The President's voice rose to a scream as he added details of Aguirre's ancestry and love-life. He caught Aguirre by the lapels and shook the smaller man until the latter's teeth rattled. He slapped his face, forehand and backhand, a dozen times, then hurled the eminent jurist from him, shouting:

"Guards! Tie up this filth until I can deal with him in a more appropriate manner!"

In the prison, Aguirre stood on the trap with the rope around his neck. In one corner his wife and his mistress sobbed quietly in each other's arms. In front of him stood la Torre with fists on well-padded hips, grinning ferociously.

"Ha!" snarled the President. "So, thou thoughtst I should weaken and let thee go for old times' sake? Hast ever known me to forget an insult to my dignity?"

"No, sir," said Aguirre miserably. "If you are going to hang me, will you please get it over with?"

"I will hang thee when I am ready. I have had requests from many quarters, including the President of the United States himself, to let thee off. I threw these impertinent requests back in their faces! I told them that if I heard any more such mush, I should refuse to ratify the Constitution, and defy them! That is what I, Juan Serafin de la Torre Baroja, think of the rest of the world! Well, hangman, art thou ready?"

"Ready, chief," replied the hangman.

La Torre gave the final command. The hangman did his duty. The wife and the mistress screamed in unison with the snap of the rope, and Dr. Aguirre departed for happier climes.

While the body still swung, an officer of the Federal Police rushed in.

"Chief!" cried the newcomer. "Hold everything!"

"What?" cried la Torre. "Nonsense! As thou seest, there is nothing to hold. What is it?"

"Well, sir, you will not believe this, but—"

"But what?"

"The ambassador Mencias Mola is here with a visitor. This visitor is one of a group who arrived in Mexico a few hours ago. Senor Mencias flew this one here as fast as possible."

La Torre gaped. The Andean ambassador to Mexico appeared in the doorway and came forward, saying: "Chief, I have the honour to present a visitor. His name, as nearly as I can say it, is Vraku. Senor Vraku, I present the President de la Torre Baroja."

The visitor blinked two of its three eyes and extended a tentacle to grasp la Torre's limp hand; then pointed another tentacle towards the figure dangling from the scaffold, and raised all three eyebrows.

"The—ah—suspended one ...?" It said in weird but comprehensible Spanish.

"A martyr to his country, senor. A paragon of wisdom and loyalty. Even now I am planning a special medal for him." La Torre stepped close to the scaffold and peered up with experienced eyes. "It will, of course, be awarded posthumously," he said with marked sadness.

The End